@summit1983 I just tried so hard to find this for you, but I read this today and I think you would like it, too.
“Are you considering therapy for parental regret/struggles? Here's what you should know.
Hi, I’m a therapist, a mother of 3 daughters in their 20s, and have worked extensively with parents and children with family issues for over 30 years. I wanted to post this as a response to a post shared yesterday, but it is not here now. But I think this could be helpful, so I’m making this post.
Firstly, IT IS OK TO NEED HELP. There is absolutely no shame in needing help. However, for therapy to work, you need to WANT to help yourself.
Don’t listen to anyone who says unhelpful bullshit like “your needs, wishes and happiness ceased to matter the moment you brought a child into the world”. One of the first things I tell my clients is that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. There is a reason flight safety instructions tell you to put on your own mask before assisting anyone else - because you are best equipped to help others when you have taken care of yourself and your needs first. You are best equipped to be a good parent when you are taking care of your mental health. Fill your cup.
You are not the only person who has experienced feelings of regret. I talk to people like you every day. You are also not a bad person because you regret having your child. Any decision can be regretted. I also talk to people who regret their career, their marriage or divorce, bad financial choices. Not every decision turns out how you planned, and that’s normal.
Don’t listen to anyone who tries to suggest you don’t love your child. You can absolutely love your child and dislike the duties associated with childcare. Saying “I would make a different choice if I knew then what I knew now” or "if I woke up X years ago and was told this was all a dream of what being a parent is like, I wouldn’t do it” doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. People often come to the realisation they'd have made a different decision about something if they had more information at the time, or a better understanding of what the decision entailed. People often think something is right for them, only to realise it is not. Why do you think so many people change careers? Change jobs? Get divorced? It is a thing that happens. But not enjoying the lifestyle of a parent doesn't mean you don't love your child.
You are not stupid or a bad or selfish person if you find parenting harder than you expected, less fulfilling than you expected, or find yourself missing your old life. There is a lot of romanticisation of parenthood in society and it sets people up for false expectations that are often not met, and can cause guilt when you feel disappointed by parenthood.
When you have a baby, it can be Post Partum Depression. Both mothers and fathers can get Post Partum Depression. People will always jump to that. Sometimes, it is post partum depression. I can help with that. But sometimes, it is not Post Partum Depression. Sometimes people regret their decision to become parents. I can help with that too. I won’t rattle off a list of them, but there are so many reasons parents can regret their decision, ranging all the way from "I just find it boring" to "I had a child because my spouse desperately wanted them, they were killed in an accident a couple of years later, leaving me alone with this child I never wanted in the first place". Whatever your reasons are, they are valid, and expressing them to me helps me figure out how to best help you.
A lot of people think talking with me a couple of times will magically make them love the life they either chose or have found themselves living but don’t enjoy (not all pregnancies are intentional, and fathers don’t get a say, which I agree with because of bodily autonomy, but it can be difficult to find yourself living a life you didn’t choose)
It doesn’t really work that way, unfortunately. I can’t wave a wand and make you love parenting. What I can do is be a safe space where you can let your feelings out without judgement, help you come to a place of acceptance of your decisions, help you with coping mechanisms and strategies to make it easier to deal with your life and your feelings and to minimise the depression you feel.
Regretting your child doesn't preclude you from being a good and loving parent. You can still be a good parent. You just have to be willing to commit to being the best parent you can be, showing up every day for your child, and showering your child with love be even if you don't enjoy the parenting lifestyle.
Some people criticised another poster because therapy didn’t teach her to love parenting and were like “wow, so nice of you to just suck it up when it comes to raising this child you are supposed to enjoy”.
"Sucking it up" can be a good outcome. "Sucking it up" can mean getting someone to a place where they can own a wrong decision and move forward doing the best they can, and that is actually a very good outcome from therapy. "Sucking it up" can be an act of love - it can be a parent saying "I hate this job and I wish I never signed up for it, but I care enough about my child to do it to the best of my ability anyway".
I have had clients who were consumed with parental regret to the point it was overtaking their life and they were unable to get out of the cycle of thinking “I should have never have done this, why did I do this?”. If I can get them to a place where they can say “this is not what I expected and if I had my time over, I wouldn’t make the same decision. But I did make this choice, and I need to take responsibility for it and do the best job I can for my child/ren even if I don’t love it or find it enjoyable” and they are able to be less consumed with regret and parent their children better, I feel I’ve done well. I can’t magically make someone love something they do not love. For some people, “fake it until you make it” works. But it won’t work for everyone.
I can't make you love parenting if it truly was the wrong decision for you. There is no pill I can give you that will make your regret completely go away. But I can help you process your regret, move forward, and feel less miserable.
Please be easier on yourself because lockdown and Covid HAS made it a lot more difficult. Parents were never supposed to do it all on their own, but Covid has forced people into that situation. That is difficult because many people had kids with a plan to continue working, a plan where they would have support from extended family and then it all blew up. It is OK to not like pandemic parenting. My kids are adults in their 20s, and I am very glad that this didn’t happen when they were children. I’d have struggled too. Humans are not made to be locked up in their houses 24/7 for weeks on end, especially humans struggling with depression.
I can’t make you enjoy hard lockdown with kids, it is a very difficult thing to enjoy especially for parents who also have to WFH during this time, but I
can help you reframe it and to help you find positives you can use to make it easier to cope. For example, a lot of parents who have told me they hate being “stuck” in lockdown with their kids. A lot of them have felt better about it when we reframed it as not being “stuck” with the kids, but rather “keeping them safe from a virus they are too young to be vaccinated from, and protecting your elderly parents from getting it when they are more vulnerable”. No, it doesn’t make them suddenly happier, but it makes it more bearable.
If you are struggling with parental regret or even just having a very hard time with parenting during the lockdown and Covid, please reach out for help. That is what we are here for.”
NOT