Discipline for poor behavior in school

[howeryall]

Hi friends. My son is currently living with my parents. It’s a long story but I visit every weekend or he comes to my place every weekend. I call him every night and talk to him. I try to be as involved as possible with the current situation. I love 2 hrs away.
I understand that he has a lot of big feelings rn and it’s difficult for him, as a 6 year old, to make sense of them or manage them appropriately.
My parents have never been very emotionally supportive and they’re really big on discipline but I try to reason with them and advocate for my son. Personally, growing up under their roof, the constant discipline I.e. grounding, taking things away, taking everything out of my room including ym door and making me earn them back, taking away events…it stressed me out too much and my behavior didn’t get better it made me less likely to do what they asked of me. Granted, I got in trouble for the littlest things. I really was not a bad kid but they thought I was.
They do they same thing to my son and I try to explain to them that that doesn’t help. He struggles with his behavior in school like not paying attention or being goofy in class. So for example, he had 2 “bad” days in a row this week. Monday and Tuesday. He got home yesterday and had to go to bed early…6pm. AND they tried to take away gymnastics on Thursday. I spoke to my dad over the phone with my so listening because I need him to know someone is on his side and he’s not alone in this. I explained to my dad that I’m paying $80 a month for gymnastics and it’s not only meant for fun. It helps teach discipline, listening skills, and social skills as well as getting his wiggles out. My dad insisted he doesn’t go and I continued to argue back reiterating my point. Eventually he said they’ll “try it”. I need help finding constructive ways to “discipline” him without killing his motivation to do better that will also work with my parents’ viewpoint. I know that punishment should be directly correlated to the behavior and immediate like in the same day. Taking away something that’s meant for days later doesn’t help. It makes him less motivated to do better because he’s already lost it.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this??

 

[howeryall]

Thank you so much for this response. That sounds EXACTLY like my son. And I feel so bad for him because his self confidence is awful because he’s always in trouble for something at school or at my parents’ house. He rarely gets in trouble with me because I’m more understanding and able to help him through a situation rather than yelling at him and punishing him like my parents do. But I will definitely contact his school and get that started. Thank you thank you thank you. I’m so excited to get him help and see how he progresses. He’s so freaking smart. Like so smart. The other day we were picking numbers he said 119 I said 65 or something and he randomly after we picked the number says “you’re closer to 90 than I am” and I was like what? Nuh uh. So I did the math which took me a while to do in my head so then I pulled out my calculator and was like wtf?! You’re right! Dude is 6. Last year we were driving and he randomly started adding and subtracting negatives I was like huh??! Did they teach you that in school?? He said no and a few years back, we were in the car with my aunt she asked him to spell his name. So he spelled it but it sounded all jumbled up I was like huh??! You know how to spell your name. And then I realized he just randomly spelled it backwards dude amazes me with his intelligence.

 

[christianqa]

@howeryall You should post less about the 1975 and focus on getting your kids back. Honestly gross on your part. If my child had to live with my parents because of poor decisions I made, the last thing I would be doing is obsessively posting about a band from England. Fix your priorities, or do your son a favor and stay out of his life so he can learn proper values.

 

[howeryall]

@christianqa Lmaoooo what on earth?!
Just because I’m on Reddit and like to browse and interact with a subreddit does not mean I’m not doing everything in my power to get my son back with me…? Weird conclusion to draw tbh.
I definitely shouldn’t need to explain myself. I’m genuinely concerned about the direction of your anger. Maybe you’ve got something going on that you need to be abrasive to others. Idk. But I hope you get well soon

 

[howeryall]

@christianqa You’re a Swiftie huh?

 

[christianqa]

@howeryall I pity your child if that’s where your brain goes.

 

[howeryall]

@christianqa ok buddy

 

[harko]

@howeryall So, just to rule this out, has your son ever been evaluated for ADHD? If so, it’s really unproductive for punishing him for hyperactive and unfocused behavior that he really can’t help. It’s the equivalent to punishing a child with epilepsy for having a seizure. Also, for kids with behavior issues, there is much more success with kids earning privileges based on behavior than taking them away. For example: if he had a great day in school then he earns access to options in 1 category (coolest options like some TV or video games) and if he didn’t have a great day in school, then he earns options from a different category (still productive but not as cool like reading, drawing, playing outside). Also, I can’t stress how important sports or something like gymnastics would be for a kid who is hyperactive and needs to get his energy out in a healthy, structured way.

 

[howeryall]

@harko I completely agree which is why I pushed back so much. The only problem with adhd for him at such a young age is that they’d probably put him on medication right? And I just don’t think I’m comfortable with that.
I actually created a rewards chart for him last school year and it seemed to really work. His teacher would mark smiley faces in his planner or frowny faces if he had a good day. A smiley face equals one ticket, a big smiley equals 2. And a frowny face is none. So he would earn tickets and once he saved up enough, he’d get to choose a reward from a category depending on how many tickets he had saved up and wants to use.
I guess my parents quit implementing that so I’ll have to get on that.
I’ll see if I can find him somewhere that he can get evaluated for adhd. Because he definitely has the wiggles and I feel so bad for him that he’s under my parents roof who know nothing besides punishment.
I mean the other day, he had a “Green Day” and he told my dad and my dad said, “you sure?” And then when he asked him to look, he didn’t respond so I told him to ask again and finally my dad looked and said something like “that’s how it should be” so I texted my dad later and told him he needs to celebrate. It’s super disappointing for a kid to be faced with blasé responses when they’re excited about something. I feel like it killed his spirit. So I made a point to tell him how proud I am of him. It’s hard. I do my best from 2 hours away, see him every weekend and call him every night. And I’m sure the separation does not help at all.

 

[harko]

@howeryall You can actually get the process for ADHD evaluation going with the school. (I am a medical assistant and worked at an ADHD clinic and have 2 children with ADHD myself). Contact the school counselor, tell them what you suspect and ask if she has a “Connor’s ADHD evaluation form” and see if she can send one to you and have his teacher(s) fill them out also. (You can also have the doctor write a letter called a “504 letter” stating the ADHD diagnosis that will allow special accommodations to help your child in school. The letter is given the the school with a request for a “504 meeting”.) You will then get the results to take to a Pediatrician (most will treat ADHD) . Most don’t start on a stimulant, just a non stimulant called Guanfacine (also helps them sleep when taken at night - extended release has better results). Imagine how much pride your son will have if he is better able to control his impulses?? He will be so proud of himself! A low dose stimulant helps these kiddos so much that their achievement level usually goes through the roof afterwards as they are usually very intelligent and are bored in school and easily distracted and impulsive. If he does have ADHD, a lose dose stimulant can change your child’s entire outlook on life. It was so dramatic of a change for my daughter that her teacher called me the next week crying bc she couldn’t believe how well behaved she was and focused and my daughter’s self esteem just soared. These kids going to long without help usually leads to anxiety and depression (also highly co-morbid with ADHD anyway) bc no matter what they do they always get in trouble and then they start thinking that they are just “bad” not matter what they do. You can see how damaging this can be long term. Just a few things to think about.

 

[howeryall]

@harko Thank you so much for this response. That sounds EXACTLY like my son. And I feel so bad for him because his self confidence is awful because he’s always in trouble for something at school or at my parents’ house. He rarely gets in trouble with me because I’m more understanding and able to help him through a situation rather than yelling at him and punishing him like my parents do. But I will definitely contact his school and get that started. Thank you thank you thank you. I’m so excited to get him help and see how he progresses. He’s so freaking smart. Like so smart. The other day we were picking numbers he said 119 I said 65 or something and he randomly after we picked the number says “you’re closer to 90 than I am” and I was like what? Nuh uh. So I did the math which took me a while to do in my head so then I pulled out my calculator and was like wtf?! You’re right! Dude is 6. Last year we were driving and he randomly started adding and subtracting negatives I was like huh??! Did they teach you that in school?? He said no and a few years back, we were in the car with my aunt she asked him to spell his name. So he spelled it but it sounded all jumbled up I was like huh??! You know how to spell your name. And then I realized he just randomly spelled it backwards dude amazes me with his intelligence.

 

[harko]

@howeryall Good luck!! I’ve seen some amazing things when everyone gets on the same page to advocate for a smart motivated kiddo who just wants to please. I actually came across this the other day and thought I would share it with you. Not saying you will go the medication route but it was an adult talking about being diagnosed with ADHD finally as an adult and what medication helps him with. Really helpful!