Dating as a Single Dad is Frustrating

[len866]

@rosine Joined this sub for general advice today and this was the first post that came up and I feel it.

My first attempt at dating made me realize that between working multiple jobs and parenting left me with very little time for dating.

Tail end of last year I decided to give it a go and got the same reaction. Meeting people without kids was easy, and I was 'such a good dad' until they realised I wasn't going to shift my priorities to them. One of them even asked if there was ever a chance a new partner would become "my first priority" and the last I heard from them was when I said "yeah, when my kid is 18".

I expected more understanding from single mums. Maybe I was unlucky, but the two I talked to had - and I'm quoting one of them - "no intention of raising another woman's kids". She wanted an attachment-free man to slot into her life.

This was the last convo I had on dating apps. I deleted them all in January.

My intention was to meet people in real life instead, but it turns out that my parenting schedule and work leave me no time to actually meet anyone. If I want a home and food for me and my son, it feels like I've no option but to do it alone, and it's frustrating.

I wish there were more single dad clubs I could go to. I've deleted the rest of my rant.

 

[boipelo]

@rosine I’ve been having the exact same issues.. people run and avoid me like a plague when they find out that I’m mother… they will respect me and be all in until I mention that.. then it’s, “ohh so you’re looking for a hookup”. That’s what most people have equated parents to, or so it seems… I’ve also heard that it depends on where you live. I’m an average lady, who doesn’t cake my face with makeup, and I happen to be a mother so all odds are against me living out in California. There’s really pretty women out here, so I wouldn’t ever try and compete with that.. lol

It will get better, you’ll find the one!! Just don’t look on dating apps.. let her find you.

 

[caitybug]

@rosine It could be their past experiences with single dads. I tried dating two guys with kids and it was horrible. Everything was always about their kids. They rarely had time to hang out which I understood in fairness to the kids, but it wasn’t fair to me. It’s like signing up to be second place for the rest of your life. Never a priority.

It’s sad because they were great guys and even better fathers.

 

[naz9820]

@caitybug Having dated a single dad a few years back (we had been acquainted for a year or so beforehand, his GF had baby trapped him years prior and here he was stuck with a 7 year old) I agree with you. It's all about the kid(s), which i understand it should be, but that feeling you'll always be second place is a hard one to cope with. I stuck it out with the dad for about a year, finally had to level with the fact I didn't want to raise a kid (I'm childfree), and the ex baby momma would always be in his life.

 

[jamesidayi]

@rosine You sound like an amazing father. To be honest, kids come first.

 

[metraclarke]

@rosine Majority of girls I’ve matched with on apps or talked irl have been turned away as soon as they realize I’m a dad. It’s mentioned in my bios, but most don’t read it. Some have even told me if I wasn’t so involved in my daughter’s life, they’d want to form a more serious relationship with me. I’d rather be single forever than be with someone who disrespects my daughter like that.

^^Unfortunately, when you are an involved Father, this is how this goes. It takes a little longer to find someone. Those that admire you for being a great Father also are usually the ones who need things to be about them.

Especially if they are single mothers themselves. You are their 'escape'. They can't share. They don't know how to yet. Those that are childless DEFINITELY aren't going to share because they may feel that they don't have to. (It's their right and I get it.)

I should have given the disclaimer that I'm a widowed Dad for context. Widowed fairly young all things considered and I had to go through what you are going through now. Even the 'good women' who date Fathers in the age bracket I was in when I first became widowed only date 'weekend'/check Fathers. That's what I found out. Any involved Father is going to have a hard road dating for a bit. It takes a minute to KEEP their attention. You can get it because 'Oh.. he's a Father and seemingly a good one too." but once they find out how involved you are, it get a little dark.

The good news? The older you get, the easier this might become. Eventually.

The ladies in your demo come to realize that dating a wonderful Father such as yourself is what they need because THEY are involved even more with their kids if they are mothers. They too are busy and dropping Little Timmy and Sarah off in the nap room no longer cuts it. As you know, kids are a full time job. They learn to compromise a bit more. Finding a single mother who is CLOSE to your child rearing experience is key too. Being in different stages of child rearing is a gift and a curse. It's a process for sure.

I don't want to assume you don't date childless folks though so I will say even those folks tend to have a much better understanding as they get older for Fathers who are involved in their kid's lives. They've seen good men get passed by or maybe passed a few by themselves when they were still in a phases where they wanted other things. They've come around to 'settling down' a bit more. Your Life will change as this goes on too so maybe the timing will be better.

Either way, as you get further into the process and older, those women appreciate that you aren't stuck up their behinds because you have things to attend to. They value quality over quantity of time better. All that good stuff.

They tend to TRULY appreciate that you have the capacity to commit to your kids, you may indeed possess the capacity to commit them. They also realize that you can love them AND YOUR KIDS too. Something that in the age range you are in now, most don't think is possible or want to find out if it is.

 

[roy234]

@rosine I am also a single mom and I have her all the time, her dad is visiting her when he’s bored or single So dating is a complete disaster along with having to go to work and taking care of a child and house things and all that. I call it being a mom and a dad at the same time, working house wife Especially when the job is not paid enough so you can’t get a babysitter to go out on dates actually
Everyone I meet is just not ok with me not having proper time for dating and getting to know the person. i feel like dating as a single parent have to be fast and you have to be serious from the beginning because we don’t have time for going to movies, walks, dinners for like 27491694 times a week and at any time of the day plus not to mention weekends together or staying out late hahaha that’s a fairly tale for single parents but normal things for people who are not single parents also the worst thing is that if after some time of dating I don’t have a babysitter The person will eventually have to hang out with me and my child which is my worst nightmare, I don’t want to traumatize my child with changing partnets What a luxury to be a single parent. I honestly didn’t have a problem with people being frustrated that I prioritize my child but I see they would want to have me more as a young care free girl they’re dating instead of a tired busy single mom they get

 

[soddygurl]

@rosine Ever since I got out of the marines and divorced n a full time daddy And I take care of my mother and father. It seems like no females. Want to deal with my bag is here and I’m such a hopeless, romantic

 

[funker]

@rosine The dating pool is much harder but look at it as a way to filter out the ones who won’t work for your family. I have a son with special needs. He’s a teenager and his SN doesn’t stop him from doing what he wants, but a teenager nonetheless lol IYKYK. If someone doesn’t want to be with you due to her SN, that’s totally fine because there are ppl who have awesome character befitting to be in her life. Some people don’t have a big enough heart to deal and that’s fine. Try joining a support group online or in person for other parents like you. With regard to your ex, everyone has their own timeline for moving on. It sucks and a reminder that something didn’t work and you have a physical reminder everyday that it didn’t work. You time will come on its own time. Envision the life you want for you and your daughter and you’ll see how your life will change and cross paths with those who make positive meaning.

 

[moonlight557]

@rosine Where do you live? Shall we organise a play date?

 

[katrina2017]

@rosine My baby dad was terrible.. useless and terrible and now a deadbeat… I’ve been trying so many years to have a husband to love and care for me also.. and not hate my kid. And now my baby dad is remarried and have a new kid of his own and I’m over here wondering if IM really The Problem. been raising my kid on my own with no help. Yet he managed to get a woman, plus marry her plus have a whole new kid.. I don’t think god is punishing me, I think it’s just not my time, or it’s just not in my cards… where are all the good single dads even at? None of the single dads I’ve met through dating apps want anything serious. Maybe I’m ugly or too poor for them.. I work and raise my kid on my own but I guess I’m just a burden to their eyes

 

[isthisamansworld]

@rosine There is nothing wrong with you being single - some folks can barely keep themselves afloat and have never considered a life with a child. They may be intimidated or nervous with the whole idea of dating a man who coparents and shares custody. Some even lack the maturity needed to even be around a child.

I am not defending it, I am just stating that is a reality for some. (I have casually dated for 7 years and not one potential partner has met my son because it wasnt stable enough to do so)

What I have been trying, is taking my kid to various free events, sports, classes and trying my best to be as present in anything school related - trying to expose myself to other parents who are kid centered and focused - dating apps are hard for single parents.

 

[gregdel]

@rosine I understand about having a special needs child. I’ve dealt with potential partners that didn’t want to “deal” with that, even though I never asked them to…
Just create a life that makes you happy and doing worry about a partner. Whatever will be, will be.

 

[mtrenkner49]

@rosine I am 42F and have given up on the idea of ever being in a relationship again.

I have 2 boys (well, one is 20 years old, so no longer a boy) with autism who will never be able to live independently and there are simply no men out there who are interested in a life like mine.

Most men my age on dating apps don't have the same responsibilities and are looking for women in the same boat to "experience new things with" or "a travel buddy to see the world with".

 

[ghost77]

@rosine Single mom 42 here and it is really hard to find a good healthy relationship these days. But I stay hopeful as should all u single dads out there.

 

[paperlemon]

@rosine I view it as
being a single parent….a thing in life.

Dating…another, separate thing in life.

I try not to let being a single parent become my entire identity. It’s actually not, I’ve learned. Although the majority of my week is spent being a full time single dad, it doesn’t need to be more than an opening topic on a date night. It’s hard to be a single parent AND an interesting parson on a date but that’s what we got ourselves into.
A kid free weekend at 39 years old is best spent being drunk and lazy but occasionally my hangover is spent trying new things for myself.
Surfing. Painting. Shooting. Skydiving. Not good at any of them but I’m learning and I feel like I have a little more to offer on a date because of it.

 

[matte102]

@rosine It really is difficult! I made the mistake of trying to reconcile with my ex. My kids are 7 & 3 their mom hasn’t been around much. She only wanted every other weekend. That went on for about 10 months. But that look on my 7 year olds face when her mom got on to our 3 yo for trying to play with her while we were watching a movie sealed the deal. It was a look of “get her out of our house and no gets to be mean to my brother ” My kids come first over everything else.

My friends all say there are a ton of single moms out there who would be amazing. But who has the time?!

 

[katrina2017]

@rosine This is hilarious. My son’s dad has suckered woman after woman into being with him when it’s well-known in mutual friend circles that he does not help with his child at all. So women are willingly being associated with a known deadbeat. I’m an amazing woman and mother and every man runs after finding out I have a kid. Dating sucks.

 

[madeline023]

@rosine My suggestion as we’re around the same age with similar aged daughters; keep the fact that you have a child on the DL. What you’re experiencing is surface level rejection bc you have a kid. Respectfully ofc, women think you won’t have the time, or won’t prioritize them due to us being present fathers. I’ve had success dating when there’s time between them getting to know me before learning about my child. And truthfully, it’s no date’s business that I have a daughter until it’s relevant for a long term relationship. At that point you’ll see just how into you they actually are. Hope this helps man! Don’t give up either.

 

[revdennis]

@madeline023 So your answer is to start a relationship out with dishonesty.