Dating a mother of 2 daughters. Looking for insight and experiences

[hmongpaster1989]

I am dating a mother of 2 daughters, aged 9 and 13. The relationship is going better than well and I am excited about the potential to be a part of her, and their lives.

I am looking for advice, insight, and some first hand experiences from the parents and from the kids that have been through this. What were some great experiences that you appreciated? What were some bad ones that you would warn against?

Some background…

She is good friends with my brother and sister in law.

Her 13yo is good friends with, and in the same class at school, as my niece.

The girls know me as Uncle X and we have met on multiple occasions at my brother’s
I am a widower and never had kids.
Her Ex had an affair and the 13yo found the evidence and brought it to mom.
She has been separated for 2 years, divorced for 1, and we have been dating 9 months.

I have been reading articles about introducing a new partner to your kids and am finding some helpful stuff. There are books but I am hoping for some recommendations before I start throwing money and hours on less than germane works.

Looking for Reddit insight and experience, both the good and the bad. We have already hit a couple of nerves by mistake and I want to be mindful, which means I need more knowledge. Thank you for sharing!

 

[newenglandpeter]

@hmongpaster1989 Well when my mother started dating my step father I was 7 or 8. I didn’t care for him in the beginning because he was taking my mothers attention but what got me to open up to him was when he bought my mother flowers or something for the holiday (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, etc) he bought me something. Nothing big (except Valentine’s Day I got a huge teddy bear) but a small plush animal or a new coloring book. It made me feel important to him that he bought me something I was interested in. What I didn’t like was when he tried to discipline me over my mother or felt like his negative opinion mattered more than my mothers. I love him but if my mother said something was okay and he felt it wasn’t he would instantly tell me I couldn’t do it or couldn’t go there. He also had no patience with me especially when I needed help with homework that my mother couldn’t. He’d start yelling if I got the answer wrong twice in a row. I also didn’t like that I felt he kept my mother out a lot in the beginning. I would’ve preferred them home with me maybe having a movie night or a game night so I didn’t feel tossed aside. If they already like you you’re halfway there!!! They won’t always like you (sometimes my kids don’t like me) but that’s part of being a parent.

 

[cheta]

@newenglandpeter on top of "holding back on back on the third parent", remember that your partner has faults too. my wife is can definitely be overbearing at times so i will later have a private talk with my step daughter. i let her talk, let her vent, let her know she isnt alone. If kiddo did screw up, instead of bitching "you need to-" i will gently RECOMMEND "well, you can try -". last night she was getting loud playing an online game and instead of having the wife yell to turn it down, i went out instead to inform her i was going to sleep while making a downyard hand gesture to "tone it down". ultimately its the same order, but without the additional anger/frustration of being rudely instructed to do something.

the gift part of the story goes a long ways too. any time we all drive together somewhere, i give her the audio cable to her phone so that she decides what music we listen too. i may absolutely, completely HAAAAATE rap music, but its little things like that which makes her feel included.

but definitely have a hobby to share with them. whether its playing a video game, or watching a tv series. but at least once a week do spend some time with them.

at this point i can confidently & accurately declare that if my step daughter has an issue, she goes straight to me to volunteer it. my biggest advice is to ADVISE them what to do, dont TELL them, dont control them. make them feel like youre giving them the reigns over the hourse and only pointing to a direction you THINK they should go. if they want more, they will ask for more.

 

[sigolene]

@hmongpaster1989 Whatever you do, dont try to parent the kids. Bite your tongue, let her deal with it and talk about it later behind closed doors. Be their friend and build trust and a decent rapport. It's hard to not speak out but it's not your place and will build resentment quickly. I am divorced with a 13 and 15 year old. They have grown to respect and enjoy my partner over the past 9 months. He never offers discipline but he always has my back in private. My kids were worried this new guy would parent them and were leery at the beginning but he has never crossed that boundary. I love him immensely for that and look forward to a great solid lifelong relationship. We are all off to a great start. Good luck!

 

[biblelinguist]

@hmongpaster1989 I’m actually a stepchild, not a parent, but here’s my two cents if you want it.

My mother met my stepdad when I was four and was married when I was five. I never wanted them married, and I remember specifically voicing this, but of course it was overlooked. I just enjoyed it being my mother and I. I didn’t want someone else getting in the way. Eventually I did get over it, but what really helped was him trying to find something to do with me to bond. It doesn’t have to be expensive or even going anywhere. Some of my favorite memories from when I was a kid are of me and him doing the most simple things together. We played sword games with the styrofoam on the fridge handles that kept fingerprints off. My favorite was jumping on the bed and then laying on it and using the popcorn ceiling to make shapes, similar to how you would look for shapes in stars.

Since these kids are older, they are obviously going to want to bond over something more complex. Maybe sports or games. You have to accept that what they enjoy might not be what you enjoy (my stepdad has a hatred for video games, yet he plays them too, but I’m never allowed to play them too often without being judged for it) Dont judge them for their interest!!! Try to find a middle ground on what to do together so everyone is happy.

I think a big thing would be to be there to listen if they have a problem. Make them feel like they can talk to you about anything and everything. Be firm about decisions, but not overbearing. If they come to you with a problem, don’t judge them for whatever the situation is. Judging them will make them not want to come to you for anything, and that’ll push them away from you. Don’t yell at them when you’re frustrated and in an argument. Talk things out rationally, and try to compromise if it’s over something like wanting to go to a friends house and trying to decide a time to be back by.

 

[disciple701]

@hmongpaster1989 My mom and stepdad got married when I was 13. There were so many terrible things that should’ve been avoided but for the most part they were very situational, but some relatively common. My stepdad bribed my brother and I a lot but we were old enough not to buy it. He’d get us dinner and even went as far to take my brother to New York the weekend before he asked us permission marry my mom (in our favorite restaurant, again on the bribery).

He also pretty much immediately tried to be our dad. He and my mom fought with us because we wouldn’t call him dad (we were 13 and 15 and didn’t have the relationship with him anyway, + the trauma from our own father so it wasn’t happening). He also tried to adopt us and, naturally, was extremely dramatic when we were not comfortable with it.

He didn’t respect privacy much (again, forcing his fatherhood onto us) and took away my door because of a bad grade. He favored (still does) his own children over us drastically by letting them bend the rules, get away with completely unnecessary things, and overall babying them to the point where one still can’t figure out how to take out the trash, amongst other things.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. My advice would be to treat all the children in the picture equally. Don’t overdo it with some kids in an attempt to gain some approval. Be a parental figure but don’t overstep the boundaries, at least not at first because it can quickly ruin any relationship later on. Be respectful, caring, patient, and loving, and it will all come naturally.

 

[errorizer]

@hmongpaster1989 Two stories, a good and a bad.

My cousin's husband has a daughter, and in his first relationship, after his first marriage ended, his daughter was very close to his girlfriend. When they eventually broke up, the girlfriend and her family cut all ties immediately and severely and it really hurt the daughter. To the point that she was never willing to trust or bond with my cousin. When build bonds with the kids, those bonds are important outside of the relationship with their mother. If ya'll do break up, of course you wouldn't be as close to the kids, but they would deserve some meaningful energy put into winding down that bond.

Another cousin lost her husband to hard drugs. Her second husband was very patient and willing to accept the slow process of building trust. He actually put off marrying their mom for almost two years so the kids could get comfortable with the idea, and accepted being called 'stad' - for step-dad - for many years before he was fully accepted as 'dad'.

This can be completely successful, but the relationship with the kids requires as much work and respect as the relationship with their mother.

 

[iustusetpeccator]

@hmongpaster1989 I am both a stepchild and a stepparent. I learned a lot about what I didn't want to do as a stepparent, being a stepchild, and had great success in my relationship with my stepson. I came into his life when he was 5 yo, he is now 18 and we continue to have a good relationship.

My biggest piece of advice is do not go into it being the kid's friend and end up as their parent. I never overstepped boundaries on discipline, but I always expected respect, so when his dad and I did marry it wasn't a difficult transition. I'm not saying don't be fun, but if they do something that requires parental/adult attention then don't hesitate to respectfully be that adult.

It was awful when my stepdad suddenly decided, after he married my mom, that he was the new king of the house and everything was his way or the highway. I was almost 11 y.o. having lived with my single mom my whole life. He should have respected the household we had built instead of trying to turn ours into his, or at a minimum compromised. My mom can now admit she should have been firmer with him in those times.

Ultimately you need to show these kids you care about them too, not just as the baggage their mother came with. Part of that is being an adult for them and her when needed.

 

[katrina2017]

@hmongpaster1989 The one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that no matter what questions you may have, love is the answer.

Sounds like you have a real opportunity here. Hope it doesn’t all crash and burn, like Tommy Boy and his precious “sale”.

 

[standev]

@hmongpaster1989 Don't try to build a new relationship with them but elaborate and build onto the uncle relationship they already have with you. Chances are they are already well aware that you're dating mom. Oldest was 11 when she told her mother about the cheating dad. Both are probably also glad that you have made their mom happy these past 9 months and have been able to help her get through the cheating husband problems. Just don't try to change the family routines that they have. If you take your girlfriend out now, say, every Saturday for dinner, spend one or two of those Saturday dinners asking if the girls would like to join. Never make them. At 13, girls are moody, and she may have plans or just not want to. And that's ok. If they liked you before as uncle, you'll do just fine as mom's boyfriend and maybe even stepdad. Simply based on your question and concern for them.....you are doing great!!