Could someone decide for me 🙃

[clare5890]

Please help. I’m 33, almost 34. I have a 19 month old beautiful daughter. My husband wants a second child but I think I’m OAD for the following reasons:

1. My pregnancy was awful - vomiting 5-6 times a day for first 6 months, then an undiscovered blood clot in my lung that was misdiagnosed, could barely breathe for second half of my pregnancy before vomiting blood at 37 weeks
2. Have had two children born in my family die within 10 days of birth in the last three years, for completely unrelated reasons…not exactly making the idea of a second one relaxing. Also terrified of having a baby with a disability or high needs because I don’t know how I’d cope (and feel so guilty for saying that by the way)
3. I have suffered with OCD and poor mental health most of my adult life, and I had PND. Feeling better now after therapy but still on a high dose of Prozac.
4. I had PND EVEN THOUGH my daughter was pretty much a dream baby. Yes she cried a lot but she always slept well, ate well, had no reflux, etc etc, I found breastfeeding hard but she’s always been a good baby. And I still found it hard. There’s a good chance the next one wouldn’t be as easy as she is.
5. I had PND EVEN THOUGH my husband/family are amazing and very helpful and I have a strong support system and am financially okay
6. I’m doing the best I’ve ever done in my career and I don’t know how we’d afford for me to take another 6-12 months off and keep the lifestyle I want
7. I don’t know how I’d cope with a second, with my mental or physical health, it terrifies me
8. I’m big into travelling, I’m writing a book, there’s other things I want to do other than have a second child.

And yet….I see her playing with other children and feel so guilty I won’t give her a sibling. I feel so guilty I won’t give my husband what I know deep down he wants (he says he will support what ever I decide). We both come from large Irish families and being OAD is alien to them. I think about it every day, constantly (OCD doesn’t help) and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine having another one any time soon, but also don’t want to be 40 when I’m done having kids.

I need reassurance that I won’t fuck up my kid by not giving her a sibling. I need reassurance that I won’t wake up at 45 and realise I made the absolutely wrong decicision. I’m finding this so hard.

Sorry for the essay, I think I just needed to shout it into the void. Thanks if you got this far

 

[muya]

@clare5890 You’re like exactly me. I’m on the fence, some awful trauma. Husband definitely wants another. Pretty comparable situation.

The only advice I can try to give is try as hard as you can to visualize getting a positive pregnancy test. What is your gut reaction- excitement, or dread?

 

[clare5890]

@muya Solidarity! It seems to change day to day…I think mostly gut dread. My brother had a baby recently and I thought she’d make me broody but all it did was make me terrified of having another, to the point where I felt like I couldn’t even bond with my niece. I logically know what the right decision is but I can’t make peace with it, and I’m scared I’m going to betray myself and just get pregnant again in a moment of weakness. It’s hard! Thanks for responding

 

[muya]

@clare5890 Yeah, I can completely empathize with being the anxious type who tends to ruminate on decisions!

I actually convinced myself to try for 4 months this summer/fall until I realized my period was coming early and ended up getting diagnosed with a thyroid condition called Graves’ disease. If I were going to try I have to wait 6 months until my thyroid hormones stabilize. At this point I’m not even sure I want to. Every time my 4yo is throwing a fit or my husband gets angry about something, I think that if I had a baby right now I’d want to die. Then when things are fine and 4yo is being cute and saying “I love you”, or I look at baby pictures of him, I think about it all over again

 

[blackbird72]

@clare5890 I'm 38 with a 2.75 yr old. Six months back I couldn't imagine going through everything again, now I'm leaning into it more comfortably and starting to plan a second ..

Four years back, when I was planning my first, I told my 41 yr old friend "I don't want to be pregnant at 40" her response, (announcing her then pregnancy)was "Like me". Fast forward to today and it sounds like that's going to be me

My point is do you feel you can permit yourself some time to come back to making a decision, if you think that might help. Even a few months?

 

[fortruth73]

@clare5890 Omg seriously you sounds EXACTLY like me- I suffer with OCD and have a 2.5 year old. Pretty sure I’m OAD but I just obsess about what the right answer is. It’s so hard! Everytime someone talks to me about juggling two kids schedules and tempers I’m just like no that sounds really difficult. I’m finally feeling some “balance” but it’s still hard.

 

[christianseamstress]

@clare5890 You aren't damaging your child by not giving her a sibling. I have friends with no siblings and they're just as happy as people with siblings because they've never known any different.

Your reasons are all valid reasons and it sounds like your partner is on board. My husband and I decided that if we ever want a third kid, we're gonna get a dog instead (assuming the youngest is at least 6 lol). Our reasons for stopping at 2 will still be good and valid reasons in 6 years.

And just one more thing - please don't feel like you shouldn't have had PND because you have an angel baby and tons of support. Not saying you deserve it, just that depression doesn't give a shit how happy you are or how "easy" it is.

It sounds like you've made up your mind. Your daughter will have her whole life to make friends. She won't be alone.

 

[toomanythoughts]

@clare5890 All your reasons speak to staying OAD, the only reason to have another child is guilt. Guilt isn't a good enough reason to bring another person into this world. You don't have to say no forever, but you can tell your husband "right now, this terrifies me and I believe children deserve excitement and love, not fear and guilt. We can revisit this in a year, but right now my answer is no".

Your views might change, my fear, dread and anxiety about a second child became a deep longing to add another person into our family around the 2 year mark. I genuinely want to meet this new person, not simply a sibling for my first. But it's also totally fine to not change your mind and stay OAD. You're not ruining your first born. In fact, it's probably a lot healthier family dynamic to be a loving family of 3 rather than a family of 4 out of guilt and pressure.

 

[frknfly]

@clare5890 Based on #1 alone, I wouldn’t do it. But my position is that I’m about 99% OAD and feel really content with my son. After having him, I’ve just gone through this huge growth experience regarding prioritizing myself and my health and happiness. I feel like I’m sort of choosing me over choosing a second child. If I had been as sick as you were during pregnancy, I don’t think I would be able to do it again due to how god-awful that sounds. I hope you’re able to choose the best option for you. I know how hard it is.

 

[gordon63]

@frknfly You hit the nail on the head. "Choosing me over a choosing a second child." My husband and I are warming to the idea of being OAD (or more or less accepting that this is where we're at not necessarily by choice) by realizing how much our health and happiness will be torn to shreds if we had a second child right now.

 

[jenny404]

@clare5890 Hi, reading this I literally thought to myself - is this me? I too suffer from OCD and the condition as wreaked havoc on my mental health in the past. It’s something I literally have to work at every single day. I’m in such a good place and thankfully side stepped PPA/PPD because my doctor kept me on my medications during pregnancy and I stayed in routine therapy. I have a 13 month old daughter who I absolutely adore.. however, motherhood has been very humbling for me. She wasn’t an easy baby to say the least.. there are weeks I feel like there is absolutely no way in hell I could do this again.. and other weeks when we aren’t dealing with illness/teething/sleep regression/etc. and she is being a delight I envision myself having another. But no part of me wants to actually raise another human.. that’s what I keep going back to.. I know I will be the best mom I can be to her if she’s my only.. I don’t know that I would be able to be the mom I want to be to multiple children. It also doesn’t help that my sister in law is due with her second soon.. and another one of my good friends is also pregnant with her second. It’s all just really hard and I obsess over it like you.. I’m a planner and I have OCD so it’s hard not to! Sending solidarity!

 

[dinny]

@jenny404 Hello fellow OCD'er.

 

[montanarxz]

@clare5890 Coming from someone who does want another - I have so many wonderful only children friends. Some insisted on having multiples because they were lonely growing up. The only child who felt comfortable OAD herself is the one who grew up with family around. Sounds like you have that, and you shouldn’t feel compelled to give your kid a sibling,

 

[tiredofbeingtiredmom]

@clare5890 If I had to decide for you I would say ‘don’t. I think you know that one is best for you but worry about your daughter and husband. Your husband has said he’s supportive and your daughter doesn’t need a sibling.

Honestly, siblings are a wildcard. You don’t know that your child will get something out of a sibling but you do know that your daughter will be better off with a stable and happy mother!

 

[gordon63]

@clare5890 This could be me, except I'm 43 with a 16-month-old and my situation was either to have a second one ASAP (like two pregnancies unhealthily close together) or risk being OAD and not by choice.

For a long time, I was adamantly, violently against being OAD. I was terrified my son would be perpetually lonely and learn to hate himself. Or that he would become a sociopath or sociopath-adjacent because he didn't develop proper empathy during childhood due to a lack of sibling interaction. Or that he'd just end up being weird or socially maladjusted in some way.

Then I spoke to a few people in my social circle - all social, well-adjusted, more or less normal - who "came out" as only children so I'm a lot less sketched out about the idea now. Emotionally, it's still hard to stop fearing that my son will end up the next Eric Harris if we don't give him a sibling, though.

I love travel, love running road races (which is impossible for me now because of lack of early weekend morning childcare), and we hate mess / chaos. Money is not unlimited. Plus, my mental health is in the absolute shitter, and I think my husband's is too.

We have no village. I haven't put on a "nice" outfit since the weekend before I (surprise early) was rushed to the hospital to deliver my son. He really wants / wanted a large family, but having a toddler is kicking our asses.

If I was 10 years younger, we'd be more than happy to wait several years before trying again.

I got off birth control for 6 months and we tried to get pregnant and it didn't work. Maybe one kid is our mental max and we're adjusting to the positives of the idea. I still fear for my son's ability to develop empathy but maybe talking to more only children will help me get over that.

 

[chosenremnant]

@clare5890 Just going by No. 3, I wouldn't do it. It's great that you're recovering, but PND can take years to fully return to full health. And it can absolutely take over your life completely, to the detriment of everyone and everything else.

 

[hilltop]

@clare5890 Hi op! I’m soo sorry you’re going thru this agonizing decision like a lot of us here

I’m currently in therapy for this very thing too.. my daughter was opposite of yours. She had colic and acid reflux and did t start sleeping thru the night until she was six years old… it was traumatic to say the least

I was one and done for a very long while.. and suddenly this year I started to waiver .. am I making the right decision? Will my daughter be happy? Will she be okay?!

All these thoughts.. and what I realized I was doing was fear basing the decision to have another.. going into it because I was scared for my daughters future

But I’m realizing with time is that this decision needs to made from love, yes you can still be scared but it should mostly be excitement and love that you want to raise and bring another child into this world

For me, until I feel this I will remain oad.. it’s a huge decision and you’re an amazing parent for thinking so much about it.. if you decide to be oad your only will be just fine

 

[clare5890]

@hilltop Thank you so much

 

[clare5890]

Thank you every one, I have tears in my eyes reading this, I really appreciate all your comments