Christmas gifts for coparent that you don’t actually like

@sabrinawellard My daughter picks something out and also makes a little craft for her Dad. This year it was a guitar shapped bottle opener and a bag of local salt water taffy (both relevant gifts to her dad's likes.) But I always add lottery scratch tickets as a low key reminder of the time he forgot my birthday, ran out to the gas station and bought me some scratch tickets as my gift. It's petty, but hey, he could actually win and then wouldn't I feel stupid 😅
 
@sabrinawellard This has already been said, but I wanted to weigh in as a new co-parent to an ex who treated me very badly: my kid needs to be able to give her mother a gift, and that means I need to pay for it. It doesn't have to be expensive. But this isn't about me, this is about my child. It is in everyone's best interest our daughter has a strong relationship with both of us, and I would be a negligent father for doing anything other than helping facilitate that. Now, this is assuming there isn't some extenuating circumstance, like abuse or whatnot.

I know it's hard, because I myself and struggling with the thought of forking out my already thinly-stretched funds to pay for something for a woman who blew up my whole life. But really, that's not what's happening: I'm helping my daughter maintain a relationship with her mother. That's all that matters.
 
@sabrinawellard I don't buy gifts for my ex. And I totally understand the surface level amicability. There is too much trauma from that relationship for me to truly be ok with him. But for my kids, I do what I have to do, I tolerate him at my family's holidays, I provide the proper co-parenting support despite my disdain for how he parents and what it does to our kids. I simply try to quietly combat the issues because you can't talk to someone who refuses to acknowledge they have a problem. Anywho... Rant over.

If your kids want to get Christmas gifts and aren't old enough to learn to earn the money themselves in creative ways, then you get those. Otherwise, don't force yourself to be nicer than you have to be. And don't compare to all these public co-parenting relationships. Some are very real and awe-inspiring examples of great co-parenting. Others are utter bs. Every co-parenting relationship is different. Everyone split for different reasons. Everyone has different experiences, personalities, trauma, history, parenting styles, capabilities, etc. So don't beat yourself over the head with the idea you have to be a tik tok-worthy coparent. No, that's bs. You need to be the parent your kids need and you need to stay civil with their other parent so long as it is in your kids' best interests. That's it. They will not be traumatized. If anything, you can be a great example of healthy boundaries, proper self-care, and awareness of personal mental health while still getting the job done because you are a strong, loving, confident, capable mama.
 
@sabrinawellard Our situation is that we are divorcing and still have to live together. He loves chocolate, so I got the Pound Plus chocolate from Trader Joe's (his fav), and the Jingle Jangle chocolate mix. Last year there were different hot chocolates. If he were to have a significant other, I would probably go with a bottle of wine or movie tickets. Something simple, thoughtful, yet not too emotionally invested. I actually do not like him very much, but I feel like it is the right thing to do for the sake of our kid. He isn't the type of person to appreciate me going out of my way to continue to be kind (some people don't realize their luck until it is gone), but this way our child feels like they contributed. I also have our kid hand make a card to their father, but that is because it is something I would want for myself. I 100% know what you are feeling though. As I made my under $20 purchase I grumbled to myself like Scrooge, but felt a minuscule satisfaction that I am doing right by the child.

Other gift ideas that are small for people you may not like include: re-gifted wrapped candy/cookies, re-gifted poinsettia plants, gift cards from their hobby store, discounted clothing merch from the store or show they like. I look at thrift stores before gift giving holidays, and sometimes find new books (just look and make sure they aren't already inscribed by someone else). I like this because new thrifted books are a few dollars, looks like I made an effort, and also gives me an excuse to shop at one of my favorite places. I just make sure to wrap it nice (even if it is a reused paper bag with twine and a sprig of pine to make it look fancy, but not waste money on a twat who doesn't deserve it).
 
@jerrybrown Thank you. This is my thought process too. He actually started the tradition- not me. But I see how it makes my kids proud to shop for their dad, so I play along. No I don’t drop a lot of money. I do buy for the SO because I am trying to teach my kids to be thoughtful and inclusive. The girl that’s around this year seems to be the root of him being a less involved dad, and I think that’s where a lot of my resentment is coming from.
 
@sabrinawellard She sounds awful! You can't trust someone who manipulates a person away from their kids. If it were me I wouldn't get her anything at all. Maybe if you made Christmas cookies with the kids, you can give her a ziploc of all the duds and ugly ones...lol.
 
@sabrinawellard Enough people commented about the gifts, I just want to touch on the tik tok/Facebook coparents. I’m a step and came from 2 very blended families since I’m the oldest and both parents remarried. I stay here for perspective and because there’s a lot more actually “how to make this work well” mentality than on the step sub.

That being said… I think the whole influencer “we’re all perfect friends/family” thing is way overblown. Just thinking about the people who WANT to post about their coparent. Their ex. Their very personal parenting dynamics… that’s not most people. And the people who do want to shine a light on all of that for the public to see usually are going to be the ones who want to brag. Whether or not that’s reality. Some might genuinely be proud of the situation. Others may WANT to be proud and spin their situation to appear perfect.

I’ve been a part of a lot of coparenting dynamics throughout my life. As a kid and now as a very involved step to my own family. The only players I can identify in my family who would put on that “perfect” family show are the ones who are hyper-insecure about how messy their lives are.

The stepkid’s bio mom used to post pictures of me without my consent on her Facebook. She asked us to do a group photo shoot. She tells her family that we’re this crazy idealistic power parenting team. She loudly asks us out for ice cream with the kids in front of other parents. It’s an act. She literally knows nothing about us beyond parenting decisions and need to know things. The only events we DO see each other for all year are birthdays and kid events. Every single step of the way has been a challenge. She was a serial cheater. She physically and financially abused my SO. There’s a court hearing pending because she repeatedly claimed she was a single mother with 0 help on assistance applications while SO has always had the kids more than 50% of the time. We’re on total opposite ends of the parenting spectrum - we’re very authoritative. Limit screen time to 2 hours, family dinner nightly, reading daily, routine and responsibility is very necessary. She lets them skip school and pretty much free range.

If you saw her Facebook, you would seriously think we were like sisters. That her and my SO were bffs who realized they just wanted to raise kids together and not be partners. That we all did Christmas together and would plan a vacation. It’s not real. She’s guilty that their kids have to deal with 2 households and wildly overcompensates.

There is NOTHING wrong with being neutral and civil and nothing more. I’m really proud of the fact that in 5 years I have never once said a negative word about the kid’s mom. We might not be that Christmas together family(s). But we’ll NEVER ever ever be that Christmas feels like a war for the children family. We don’t do home pickups and drop offs when we can avoid it, and they’re no nonsense when they do happen. But we’re never going to have an argument in front of the kids with pick ups or drop offs. We’re not going to go on vacation together, ever. But we are going to accommodate each other’s trips and keep the kids out of that process. To me neutrality is WAY better than forcing it out of guilt/how it “should” be.
 
@sabrinawellard If it weren’t for the sake of my son, I wouldn’t even say “merry Christmas”…to hell with gift giving. I get where your heart is, and it’s a very nice thing to do to show your child/children the right way to do Christmas…but man, I just couldn’t fathom buying anything for my ex from me, especially with the amount of child support she gets. Xmas gift every damn month for her.

I bring my son to get her something small every year and that’s the extent of my giving heart, and that’s done specifically for him, not her.
 
@sabrinawellard I’ve worked through my feelings for my ex in three years of therapy. What I’ve concluded is that at the end of the day I need to feel good about myself and my actions particularly when it comes to interacting with him.

My ex has no other family outside of the kids. I’m not sure if it’s on him or them (my ex MIL/FIL/SIL are not the greatest people and I stopped talking to them and engaging with them a long time ago) so no bday or Christmas gifts. As much of a shitty person as he is I feel sad for him and think every one should get at least one gift. His bday is this week and I went to dollar general and got him a flash light, socks and gloves. Nothing I put any thought into and cost maybe $30 but each of the kids will be able to hand him a present.
 
@sabrinawellard No way to a gift for the latest partner. Gift for parent only and if you can find a craft that’s cheap, even better.

If kid asked about the partner and partner’s kid, I’d say it’s dad’s job to take him shopping for them.
 
@sabrinawellard Every Christmas I buy my ex-husband and his wife a gift from my kids and myself. I even buy her kids Christmas gifts. Just a small gift.. It’s a good example to show to your kids that you can all get along and be civil. Are we all best friends? Absolutely not… but for the sake of my kids I’m always trying to work on that relationship because I’m gonna have to deal with them for a long time. Might as well make it as pleasant as possible is my outlook. The highroad isn’t always the most fun, but I believe it’s the right thing to do in my situation and a healthy example for my kids.
 
@sabrinawellard I have my kid make something. Costs almost nothing but the kid gets the sentimental value of giving dad something they made. This year I bought a "make your own magnets" kit for my kid. Literally spent $1. Last year I had a mug sitting around that I had painted for someone else... technically $0 because I was going to donate it until I realized it could have another use.

My mom tried to get me to gift his new gf something this year...F that. I'm not gifting my replacement.

Now I do send real gifts that cost actual money to my former stepkids. They didn't do anything wrong.
 
@sabrinawellard We usually ask the kids what they think their mom would want. Take them out and generally let them pick it out with a bit of guidance.

Homemade gifts that are functional, or something considered sentimental is always an easy go to as well. We’ve had them help make the rice handwarmers and sent pics of them doing it with the gift. They made hand print stones and got to decorate them with glass stones and things. We framed a piece of one of the girls art work in a shadow box (dad really wanted it but she really wanted mom to have it so he helped make it nice).

We have an AWFUL co parenting relationship.

She’s even complained about a few of the gifts (some of them home made by her own kids) but they’ve learned to listen for things she says she wants and lately they have an idea of something whenever we ask.
 
@sabrinawellard If it’s from the kids, could a grandparent take them out to shop for it? So at least you get to avoid the ick factor. That’s my plan for this year- if the kids want to shop for something for either of us, they can ask the respective grandparent to assist. Granted, I’m in a situation where both sets of grandparents live nearby and my kids are tweens and teens. But otherwise, no, I do not plan to get or give him a gift.
 
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