@veronicajohn Every single time my two teens have been snarky, uninterested, rude, or bored about our activities, we try to demonstrate some compassionate curiosity. We ask them how they’re doing, and what could be weighing on them. It takes a ton of emotional fortitude and self-regulation to ask these questions and wade through the responses, and I do not recommend it if you don’t think you’re capable of managing your own anxiety or anger, because it will just make the environment more hostile.
Whenever we do this, our kids unload a ton of personal stresses, from minor or environmental (like issues with their cycle or sleep) to social or academic (scared about an upcoming AP test, a friend moving away, or essays for college apps). In the VERY rare circumstances where they can’t identify a root to their mood in the moment they have an answer within two business days. The more we practiced this introspection work the better they became at coming to us before meltdowns or blow-ups.
Growing up is hard AF. IDK if you’re a gen X or millenial, but perhaps you relate to some of the below: If you were raised in an environment where the typical chaotic emotions of development were not allowed, I’m sure it may feel very unsafe to see your own child demonstrating them. It feels like they’re breaking a rule, a rule you inherited from parents that didn’t have capacity to be there in ways you may have needed. But it’s not your rule. And it’s not helpful. And you don’t have to enforce it.
Practicing compassionate curiosity (and a shitton of patience) has helped us have a close relationship with our daughters while they navigate this difficult stage. And it’s also helped them find a way to take responsibility for their moods and behavior while improving introspection.
I realize you didn’t ask for advice and how absolutely exasperating it feels at this stage! Hope some of what I wrote gave you something to latch onto that helps soften things going forward.
