Can’t have a third kid :( please remind me why it’s ok?

[ztalbott]

After many miscarriages, I just learned today I can’t have a third child. I’m distraught, I wanted a larger family - I have a son 5 and daughter 2 who are my world but i just always imagined more. I also thought it’s good for them, I feel like people I know in families of three or more are really close to their siblings and parents too, whereas 2 kids drift away and apart…
Please remind me of all the reasons why 2 is a happy good number… because right now 2 seems like a small number, and I’m going to be missing out on a lot of joy in life I know this is my tunnel vision right now, so please help me out of this

 

[heyimeugene]

@ztalbott Most people I know where there are 2 siblings are still super close. I, however am one of 3 and always felt so left out because my brothers were close. I was the odd one out. We are not close at all.

 

[katrina2017]

@heyimeugene Yup my sister and I are super close. Only two of us. 2 years apart. Peas in a pod in our 30s even.

 

[arrows]

@heyimeugene I was literally thinking about this last night. My younger brother and I are super close, even living 2000 miles apart. But my husband isn’t close at all with his two younger siblings. Those siblings are pretty close but my husband is often left out of their circle, to the point it is glaringly obvious they excluded him.

Families are weird and the number of children is zero guarantee of closeness later in life. I do understand grieving the life you wanted to have but once you’ve processed it, you will see that 2 is a great number! So much easier to wrangle for vacations. You can even bring along one friend for each when they are older and not have to worry about getting a bigger vehicle. No one gets left out on theme park rides. It’s so much easier to schedule extracurriculars for two children than for three…etc!

 

[zakkai29]

@arrows Adding to the list: getting a table for four

 

[samalematina]

@heyimeugene Same. My friends and others I know who have one sibling are still close to them as adults now. The ones who have 2 or more siblings aren’t close with them at all.

My husband is the youngest and he has such an odd and distant relationship with his brothers. They barely speak barely see each other. One of my friends has 2 siblings as well, same with her. She’s closer with her friends than siblings.

 

[kmar123]

@ztalbott It is ok to mourn the loss of the vision you had for your family! Please don't feel like this means you are ungrateful for the kids you do have or that you need to simply get over this feeling. It sucks when we have a plan for our lives and it doesn't work out!

This episode of the podcast Good Inside with Dr Becky centers on an interview with a woman who wasn't able to have as large of a family as she planned. Maybe it might be helpful to you?

Also r/twoandthrough is full of people who are happy with their twosome!

Things I can think of off the top of my head: when they're young, there's always man-on-man defense haha.

When they're grown, you'll actually be able to spend time with them at family gatherings. My husband is one of 4, all married, new babies popping out each year. At family dinners, it's INSANE! You never really get to talk to anyone or build relationships with any particular kid. Everybody's yelling. Most of the kids aren't even at the table yet. No clue how we'll fit everyone when they are. We talk often about how much it kinda stinks (including my MIL in that "we" as well. She's frequently overwhelmed with all the grandkids wanting attention and feeling like she never has enough for each of them.)

 

[arrows]

@kmar123 Don’t know if this will work for your family but my dad was one of four as well and we grandkids got our own table in the kids play room (obviously once we were old enough to sit on our own and not throw food). Then we would also hang out with individual cousin families fairly often so we still got to develop relationships with our aunts and uncles in those smaller group settings. All this allowed our parents to chit chat without us butting in all the time. It still seems like the kids in your family are pretty young so I would think you guys will find your groove again as they get a little older and more self sufficient!

 

[kmar123]

@arrows Oh yeah, we'll definitely have a kids table eventually! Right now there are 7 grandbabies aged 5 and under haha (4 of them are under 2). And more are planned so we're a looonnngg way off from those years haha

 

[skylynne]

@ztalbott The world now is built for 4. Traveling in hotels for 5 is so much more complicated because occupancy tends to be for just 4 typically. Board games tend to be for 4 players and same with tables at restaurants. Rides at carnivals tend to be for 2 riders. Houses are mostly have 3 bedrooms so no one will need to share. You won't need a van. Costs are so expensive with a whole other person (restaurants, movies, air plane tickets, sports, activities, day camps, etc). One on one time is so much easier with 2 kids. With 3 my kids rarely get it.

 

[light3]

@skylynne Damn, as someone who wants 3, this gave me something to think about. I knew it would be a logistical challenge but you made me realize how much. Thanks.

 

[lockermcdonald]

@light3 Same. I want 3 and will still likely try to have a third but this stuff gives me slight apprehension and wanting to stick with just my 2 girls.

 

[anniebee4688]

@lockermcdonald Please just dont be like my parents and wait til the oldest is in college to start traveling since its so much more affordable.

5 v 4 is a major difference in large travel situations, especially when they’re all teens and can’t squish in like they were as kids. You always wait longer for the big table at restaurants, who sits where on the plane is always a bit of drama in the 2 seat rows smaller planes vs 2/3 splits. Someone usually ends up feeling a little left out, too. The world really is built for four. It felt a lot more like we swapped out being a family of 2 and 3 vs a cohesive unit of 4. Mom and Dad had to split us up. The oldest gets the shaft a lot. I hated coaster parks, planes, and similar paired seating situations cuz, I always had to sit by the stranger since I was the oldest.

Thankfully we are all still close as adults. But I had to swallow my entitlement and bitterness when my parents and siblings started traveling constantly and took overseas trips without me because my spring break didn’t align with theirs. I’ve been out of the states once. My siblings have been all over. My parents are good people and I’m not entitled to their money or vacations, but I’d be lying if I say it doesn’t bother me at least a little, even now.

There were pros, but I’m so glad we stopped at two due to outside forces. I wanted more. But it also wasn’t meant for us. Now mine are 8 and 5 and I’m already seeing reasons to be glad we stopped where we did. If I did have more, it’d have to be two more. No odd kid out scenario.

 

[lockermcdonald]

@anniebee4688 Definitely appreciate you sharing your experience! The starting to travel late would upset me too! My parents very rarely travel with us younger, and now haha. They’re not travelers. I wish they were though! I will definitely make sure to always have occasional good family trips no matter how many kids we have.

It’s interesting to hear your perspective because both my husband and I grew up with only one other sibling and we both wish we had more! I have a lot of cousins, and so does he, and I’m sad our kids won’t have even a quarter as many. And most of my aunts and uncles had 3 kids. So that just always seemed like a good number to me. Bigger but not too big of a family. There is also a small chance we could go on to have 4 kids but I think 3 is most likely.

I’ll be sure to keep all these issues top of mind though!

 

[godlover12345132]

@ztalbott My mom always wanted six and stopped at three. Now she says that we are older she has six cause we are all coupled off. It may take longer, but you may end up with four grown kids anyway. my husband is the youngest of two and is still close with his brother, but I actually talk to him more as we have a lot of common interests.

 

[tyke29]

@godlover12345132 That’s such a sweet way of looking at it - significant others become your kids too!

 

[rorypond]

@ztalbott When needing to run from the zombie apocalypse you have one arm for each when you have 2.

Also I would just like to add that I always wanted more but after how hard my pregnancies and deliveries are I can’t have any more. It makes me sad but also I can give more of my time to my two. Just wanted to share some love and let you know you aren’t alone.

 

[outlawingrace]

@ztalbott I am one of two and my brother and I are really close, even if we live across the country from each other.

We are stopping at 2 - we can provide more for them than we could provide for 3+ kids in terms of financial things. They could do more extracurriculars since each parent can drive one. Just need 1 hotel room. Easy to get a table at a restaurant. Easier to fit into a car. It seems like a lot of stuff was made for a group of 4.

As my mom told me "only have as many kids as you have hands to hold them." (ie two)

It's okay to want more and okay to grieve the future you envisioned.

 

[samuelh24]

@ztalbott My third turned my house upside down. Relationship with my other children went down, expenses skyrocketed, physically hard on my body and he has health problems that cause great anxiety and stress. My kids are close but I’m the one of 4 and none of use are close-as children or adults. Siblings are literally roommates, they didn’t chose. Sometimes it a natural bond and sometimes they can’t wait to be apart.

 

[katrina2017]

@ztalbott I feel this. I always thought I’d have more than 2 kids. But between finances, and the fact that I almost died with my second, and the complications that this brought, I just don’t see it for us.
Whether your kids will be close to each other has nothing to do with the number. I come from a family of 4 kids, and sadly, I’m just close to one.
The way I see it is that love is infinite, but mental & physical health, finances, time, & energy do have a limit.
With two I feel stretched out. Gone are the days in which a single earner family could live very comfortably, and gone are the days in which families had a village.
Due to finances our parents are still working, and haven’t been able to retire. Everyone is just so busy that we truly don’t have much help at all.
We haven’t had a date night in several months.
Even though my youngest is 13 months I still don’t sleep through the night.
I’m potty training my oldest and I have cleaned more poop than I wish to disclose.
And the tantrums!! I always say it’s not about the work involved, but the abuse we endure as parents lol. Everything is a fight. Diaper changes, meal time, sleep time, bath time….
I know myself and I won’t be the mom I want to be if I add a third to the mix. That’s for sure.
We are fine as a family of 4. Live in the present, and enjoy what you do have.
I went through the same as you. I was mourning the fact that it would likely be dangerous to have a third child. I didn’t like that decision being stolen from me. But I caught myself spending too much time overthinking this, and I decided to just be present with my kids. Soon after, as my baby grew, things started to get hard, and I completely forgot about wanting a third, lol.