@heatherolivia I agree with everything here… thank you
Can’t have a third kid :( please remind me why it’s ok?
- Thread starter ztalbott
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@ztalbott I have three kids, and of course I love them all. The third was planned and dreamed about for a long time and very wanted. But sometimes I miss having just two. It was just a more simple and intimate dynamic as a family of four.
And I feel like my older two are now missing out on a lot of experiences because life revolves around the babies sleep schedule right now. Of course as he gets older I might feel differently.
And I feel like my older two are now missing out on a lot of experiences because life revolves around the babies sleep schedule right now. Of course as he gets older I might feel differently.
@ztalbott I'm obsessed with my brother (I'm 2 years older than him) and we live 15 minutes apart and I just went on a week vacation with him and his family. We have kids the same age.
My husband is also OBSESSED with his older brother who is 5 years older than him and even though they live in different countries they talk every week on the phone and we go to visit them twice a year. I don't see how a third kid would have improved any of these situations even though obviously kids are a blessing.
I've only got two and I stop there because I just had my second at 42. I'm unconcerned.
My husband is also OBSESSED with his older brother who is 5 years older than him and even though they live in different countries they talk every week on the phone and we go to visit them twice a year. I don't see how a third kid would have improved any of these situations even though obviously kids are a blessing.
I've only got two and I stop there because I just had my second at 42. I'm unconcerned.
dawgone421
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seabiscuit
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@ztalbott We always wanted 2, but here's some positives about just having two/cons of having 3!
- More resources to give to each of your children. This is actually our big reason we're not having 3. With 2, we can put them in extracurriculars and travel more frequently. If we had a 3rd, we would no longer be able to afford to travel or do extracurriculars that our kids love and are very good for them! We'd rather give the two children we have the best than to give them less so we could have a 3rd child.
- The ability to parent one on one. With 2 kids and two parents, on weekends (when my husband isn't working), we can each just take a kid. Little sister has swimming lessons on Saturday morning? Great! One parent takes her and big kid can go off somewhere else with the other parent instead of having to wait around. Big sister was invited to a birthday party? Great! She gets to go while little sister gets to go somewhere else. When we travel, we each take a kid on the plane. Much much easier than having 1 parent entertaining two cranky kids by themself (especially the time our older child puked all over herself).
- Again, one-on-one time with the younger kid. When my first was born, it was just me and her. She got so much individualized attention and bonding time! My second child will get that this fall when my oldest starts preschool! If we had a 3rd, the middle child wouldn't get that one-on-one time that she deserves.
- "Three is the loneliest number". More frequently than not, I've actually found that with 3, one kid is almost always left out. Growing up, our close family had 3. The oldest (the boy) was ALWAYS left out. He was farther apart in age from his younger sisters and since he was the only boy, he was frequently just an afterthought, both in activities with his sisters and by his parents (yes, he holds a lot of resentment about it even as an adult).
@ztalbott My brother is 10 years older than me. We had a period of years where we were apart including across the country from each other multiple times.
I moved to the south with my mother when I was in my early twenties and then moved to the west coast and came back. My brother stayed up north but he moved south a week after my husband and I got married. Even though we have a big age gap we started off with stepkids in the same age range and now we have toddlers in the same age range.
We have been living in the same geographical area and spending time together for 6 years now.
It’s not how many kids you have, it’s what type of people you are.
I moved to the south with my mother when I was in my early twenties and then moved to the west coast and came back. My brother stayed up north but he moved south a week after my husband and I got married. Even though we have a big age gap we started off with stepkids in the same age range and now we have toddlers in the same age range.
We have been living in the same geographical area and spending time together for 6 years now.
It’s not how many kids you have, it’s what type of people you are.
@ztalbott
It really depends on the person. I also know two child families that are super close. In my extended family there’s a three child family. The oldest doesn’t talk to the middle, and moved away to country A. and the middle and youngest do talk, but they have a huge age gap so the middle is moving away to country B. The youngest is going with his parents to country C. And they are not on the same continent. Nothing is automatic just based on the number of people in a family. We’re just all people in the end and some people stuck together and others don’t.
It really depends on the person. I also know two child families that are super close. In my extended family there’s a three child family. The oldest doesn’t talk to the middle, and moved away to country A. and the middle and youngest do talk, but they have a huge age gap so the middle is moving away to country B. The youngest is going with his parents to country C. And they are not on the same continent. Nothing is automatic just based on the number of people in a family. We’re just all people in the end and some people stuck together and others don’t.
daniellebouchie
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anchoreddown1010
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@ztalbott Thank you for posting this. I needed to read through these comments as well. I always wanted at least 3 kids, if not 4. I have 2 boys, and my husband and I have all but slammed the door shut to the idea of a 3rd. We still have it cracked open the tiniest bit...but the likelihood of us actually having another is slim to none.
Our boys (I always wanted to be a boy mom!) are 17 months apart. They are 2yo and 8m right now. I'm 31 and my husband is 39. Sometimes we both already feel we can't keep up with them! My pregnancy and in through my first sons first year was all so easy, I thought I'd be able to pop them out one after the other! But my second pregnancy was so hard, I had gestational diabetes, was constantly exhausted with a one year old and had a very hard pregnancy. Then my second son had horrible reflux issues, and I feel like I've just been trying to survive and hardly been able to enjoy my second being a baby at all. Life with the two of them is finally, after 8 months, starting to become a little less of a shitshow and a little more of what you'd think normal chaos for what was just 2 under 2 would be.
There are so many reasons we don't want a third. Our age, hard pregnancy, the fact that I'd likely have GD again alongside a geriatric pregnancy by the time we were ready, money, our house having not enough rooms to add another and keep everyone in their own room, etc. but my heart still constantly is the only thing that keeps me wanting another. It's so hard. It's hard to accept you're done.
Reading these helps me. Thank you all.
Our boys (I always wanted to be a boy mom!) are 17 months apart. They are 2yo and 8m right now. I'm 31 and my husband is 39. Sometimes we both already feel we can't keep up with them! My pregnancy and in through my first sons first year was all so easy, I thought I'd be able to pop them out one after the other! But my second pregnancy was so hard, I had gestational diabetes, was constantly exhausted with a one year old and had a very hard pregnancy. Then my second son had horrible reflux issues, and I feel like I've just been trying to survive and hardly been able to enjoy my second being a baby at all. Life with the two of them is finally, after 8 months, starting to become a little less of a shitshow and a little more of what you'd think normal chaos for what was just 2 under 2 would be.
There are so many reasons we don't want a third. Our age, hard pregnancy, the fact that I'd likely have GD again alongside a geriatric pregnancy by the time we were ready, money, our house having not enough rooms to add another and keep everyone in their own room, etc. but my heart still constantly is the only thing that keeps me wanting another. It's so hard. It's hard to accept you're done.
Reading these helps me. Thank you all.
@ztalbott I always thought I’d have 3 or 4 as both my husband and I come from 4. We have to and I’m trying to come to terms with us being done. One more is tempting. One thing I try to remind myself of is I didn’t get much one on one time with my parents. With two I can really focus on creating healthy relationships with them. And hopefully their cousins will be like extended siblings.
albertdavid
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@ztalbott Honestly this happened to me when I was going through my second pregnancy. I always wanted at least 3 kids and a large family. But now that my kids are growing and developing I’ve realized how nice it is to just have 2 to focus on and that the world is easier for a family of 4. For example we recently bought a new car and I was able to get a sedan still knowing it’ll last. Each kid has their own room. There’s lots of benefits but take time to mourn the plan you had.
kwethington1
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@ztalbott I’m from a family of 5 kids. I can go months without talking to my siblings unless they call. Our family dynamic is pretty bad from a number of issues caused by how our parents raised us.
My husband is the youngest of 2 kids. We talk with his parents all the time and have a very tight relationship. He talks with his sister at least once a week. Their relationship is rocky due to a litany of things, but none of that comes out of the size of their family.
I grew up around families of all sizes. The determining factor in how well the familial relationships have continued is all about family dynamics. Show your kids you love them, hold them both accountable when necessary, make sure their needs and reasonable wants are met, listen to them when they come to you, and you’ll have a great chance of continuing a solid relationship for the rest of your life.
That said, give yourself time and space to mourn not being able to have any more kids. I want a third, and I know I would be distraught if I could not have them. That is absolutely valid, and you should make sure you have time to process this. Make sure you tell your kiddos how much you love them and how you wouldn’t trade them for anything. During this process, you need to make sure they don’t feel like they are not enough.
Good luck, and I hope that you are able to find peace, even without the larger family you wanted. May your kids be calling you in 50 years to wish you happy birthday.
My husband is the youngest of 2 kids. We talk with his parents all the time and have a very tight relationship. He talks with his sister at least once a week. Their relationship is rocky due to a litany of things, but none of that comes out of the size of their family.
I grew up around families of all sizes. The determining factor in how well the familial relationships have continued is all about family dynamics. Show your kids you love them, hold them both accountable when necessary, make sure their needs and reasonable wants are met, listen to them when they come to you, and you’ll have a great chance of continuing a solid relationship for the rest of your life.
That said, give yourself time and space to mourn not being able to have any more kids. I want a third, and I know I would be distraught if I could not have them. That is absolutely valid, and you should make sure you have time to process this. Make sure you tell your kiddos how much you love them and how you wouldn’t trade them for anything. During this process, you need to make sure they don’t feel like they are not enough.
Good luck, and I hope that you are able to find peace, even without the larger family you wanted. May your kids be calling you in 50 years to wish you happy birthday.
teampureboston
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ajewelinhiscrown
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servantofchrist27
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idromos247
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@ztalbott I'm so sorry for your losses, I had two miscarriages and oh man, I can remember that awful sense of loss and intense grief. To me it feels like the world is built for 2 children families- most of the families in our school and neighborhood have 1 or 2. Two seems like the ideal to many people.
@ztalbott I have two other siblings and none of us hangout together and we are all now heading into our 40’s. We get along just fine but have always had separate interest, hobbies, and friends.
All the families I know that have only two kids are super close. Plus they get a lot of one on one time with mom &/or dad versus the parents being pulled in to all different directions and getting overwhelmed and not being able to pay attention to each one as much as they’d like
All the families I know that have only two kids are super close. Plus they get a lot of one on one time with mom &/or dad versus the parents being pulled in to all different directions and getting overwhelmed and not being able to pay attention to each one as much as they’d like