Accidental third and torn

[randomuser1]

@davidlionheart My fourth wasn’t planned. Termination was never something I considered, but it took me and my husband a while to get used to the idea and be ok with it. I was just starting to feel better about it when I miscarried at 11/12 weeks. That was awful.

We ended up having another. He wasn’t planned but he wasn’t not planned either if that makes sense. He’s amazing.

It’s still hard, because if I hadn’t miscarried Jesse we wouldn’t have him, but I really didn’t want Jesse until maybe a week or so before he was gone. The feelings are complex.

The thing I come back to is my husband and I’d relationship. He was ready to be done having kids but I wasn’t. After we lost Jesse, he was still ready to be done having kids but he understood how much I did still want another and made his peace with one more.

From what you’ve written, I do think you’ll regret terminating. I think your husband will probably be very not actually ok with it and it’ll be hard on your relationship.

You mentioned not having any help. Maybe part of the conversation needs to be figuring out how to get you some help now. Maybe it’s a mother’s helper who comes for a few hours once or twice a week so you can keep doing some stuff for you? Or a child share, where you send your kids to play with another mom and her kids for a morning or an afternoon once a week and you take her kids for the same amount of time another day (it sounds counterintuitive, but two three year olds and two five year olds is actually easier to manage than one of each because they pair off and entertain each other.) Outsourcing chores — I do the day to day tidying and cooking etc, but we pay for a cleaner to come do the bathrooms and actual scrubbing of stuff. My house is a still a disaster half the time, but it takes a lot of pressure off knowing that it has been cleaned properly every other week.

I think it might take a few weeks or months to get used to the idea of a third, but it’ll be ok. Something that helped a lot when I was pregnant with Jesse was a friend who told me it was ok to not be immediately excited, and to be scared and overwhelmed and all the rest. It didn’t make me a bad mom. It just meant that was how I was feeling then. The nice thing about feelings is that given time, they change.

 

[theycallmejt]

@davidlionheart We were done after 4. Then found out I was pregnant again. Cried. So. Hard. I was totally panicked. How in the WORLD was I going to take care of 5 KIDS?! What would that even look like in the day to day?? Our minivan would be maxed out. Etc, etc.

Man, she is the greatest kid. The sweetest. So smart. So funny. She has been the best possible close to that phase of life (thank you, tubal). Shes 7 now.

They’re all school-aged and life is SO VASTLY DIFFERENT out of the baby years. But I remember when that was unfathomable. I could not see past the crying and diapering and holding someone with my body 24 hours per day. But it is just a phase of life.

 

[marisasa]

@davidlionheart Going from 1 to 2 kids about killed me. I believe I had (undiagnosed) post partum depression and it was awful. I felt like a shell of an human for the first year. Adding baby #3 was so easy compared to adding #2. Also think of what in the baby years was stressful and see if you can eliminate that factor. Example: if you breastfed and it was a stuggling, consider formula this time around. If sleep was an issue, pay for night nurse or sleep consultant.

 

[sheshe11]

@marisasa This is good advice. We have four and I originally wanted to nurse every baby exclusively for the first six months, but I found that I was much happier combo feeding. I started adding formula when my youngest was 3 months, and it helped a lot preventing overwhelm. I didn’t have to disrobe in public, which was huge for me. We bought the Snoo, too, and that helped make sure we had enough sleep. The formula and the Snoo were/are both expensive, but it has been worth every penny. We have a sweet baby AND our sanity.

 

[lichti]

@davidlionheart We have three and I’m currently pregnant with a surprise fourth. We’d been on the fence about one more before closing up shop with permanent measures, so we got excited pretty quickly. But the initial shock was definitely different than with our older three who were planned. Your feelings are valid and only you can make the right choice for your mental health and your family. And it’s okay if that choice is not the same one that other people on this board would choose.

I will say that 2-3 has been our easiest transition by far up to this point. He just fit right in. I think it helped that our oldest started kindergarten a couple of weeks after baby was born, so she had that new and exciting thing for herself and her world, and I (and my husband while he was on parental leave) got more time with just my middle and my little during the day. It was really nice. With the age gaps you’d have, it may be similar, which can definitely help ease the transition that comes with adding a new person to the family.

You mentioned being worried about whether or not you can handle another, and I’m guessing part of that worry may come from having a relatively small age gap between your first two. We went in the opposite direction in terms of age gaps (3.5 years between 1 and 2, 2.25 years between 2 and 3, and will have 2.5 years between 3 and 4) and I think I would have found the 2 year gap harder if I hadn’t done that as a third time mom. When our second was born, our oldest was SO excited. She could understand, she loved to help, and she could not wait for her brother to play with and talk with her. She still had normal 3 and 4 year old moments and tantrums, but she was mostly just pumped to have a brother. And when our third was born, she helped our middle a lot too. They had each other to play with on the weekends and when she’d get home from school, so he got 1:1 time with me during baby naps during the week, and lots of big sister/kid time when she’d get home. It was and still is a really wonderful dynamic, and the bigger gaps can be so fun to watch. I’m excited to see how they all interact with the new baby when that time comes.

All that to say, in my experience the third has been the easiest by far, in part because my husband and I sort of know what we are doing now. But it’s okay if you picture the future and that is not what you see. Wishing you peace as you make this decision. It’s clear you will not make it lightly.

 

[celoxisppm]

@davidlionheart I strongly suggest having a plan in place for help. We just had our third and we’ve put up more money for babysitters and mother’s helpers. It’s made a big difference. Just having an extra set of hands makes the baby phase doable with 2 other children. My other two are also 4.5 and 2.5. You can also spring for a night nurse too if it’s in the budget. Don’t feel like you have to do it all on your own. Paying for help does not mean you’re weak. I have a lot of friends who have 3+ and they’re all paying for nannies and helpers.

 

[tessmarie93]

@davidlionheart I'll commiserate with you for a second. We have 5 kids, 2 of those kids beat the pill and the morning after pill. When my wife told me she was pregnant with number 5 I got a vasectomy that same week. As a matter of fact I was so keen on getting that vasectomy that I did it in front of the entire M-USC internship class of 2020 so 30 different people gave me 30 different testicular cancer screens and examined my weiner. I even watched the entire process with a mirror.

I picked up this saying somewhere in my parenting career "the days are long, but the years are short" or something to that effect. It's true. You go to bed one night with an infant and wake up to a toddler, you go to bed with a toddler and wake up with a child, you go to bed with a child and wake up with a teen and it all happens so fast.

Just to pass on a bit of unsolicited advice. Prioritize your mental health. It's ok to set your kids down in a safe place and step outside for a minute or 10 to collect yourself if you're overwhelmed. It's ok to want to be yourself and to set aside time to be anything other than mom or dad. It's ok to have interests that don't involve your spouse and or your kids.

 

[ognerd]

@davidlionheart I’ve said it here before, and I’ve said it to anyone who will listen - 1-2 kids was an absolute doozy. My middle child continues to be my biggest struggle in parenting. My third baby? Sweetest, cutest, happiest, easiest baby on earth. The transition from 2-3 kids (besides being pregnant during ALL of cold and flu season) has been the absolute easiest. If I could sign a guarantee that all my subsequent children would be like my third, I would legitimately have three more.

It is hard to go from toddlerhood back to babyhood but with 3, and being a solo parent due to military, I had no choice but to get all three on a schedule quick fast and in a hurry. That has made it so much more manageable.

Do you qualify for any state services that your oldest could go to Head Start or preschool to help with some of the chaos of the newborn days? Since your husband is so on board, is he willing to sit down and find room in the budget for part time preschool, child care, or housework help for you?

 

[davidlionheart]

@ognerd Yes the kids will be going to preschool in the fall. The big one will go everyday and the little one 3 times a week. I also have a house cleaner who comes every other week. So it’s something. The afternoons are a shitshow though. How does one cook dinner??

 

[gladicame7]

@davidlionheart It’s odd you said you have no help but can pay a housekeeper. You do have some help! Is it possible to hire a PT nanny? I’m a single
Mom of 5 and my weekend nanny makes all our lives so much better. She’s just here Friday afternoon and Saturday (total of 10-15 hours) but the difference it makes is enormous.

Also, FWIW, going from 1-2 was hard but going from 2-3 was much simpler.

 

[ognerd]

@davidlionheart Yup. Same as another user said, I’m not cooking dinners right now. Especially days I’m by myself. I make my kids something quick for dinner then clean up the kitchen while they are eating or fold a load of laundry. Bath time and put the baby down to bed. Then I will fix myself something to eat and do the opposite chore I did while they were eating (fold laundry or clean the kitchen). Laundry gets put away usually when I get home the next day or sometimes I pile it all on the dining room table folded and then put it away on the weekend.

When my husband is home it’s easier to make dinner but not by much. We still use a lot of premade shortcuts. One thing I started doing was cutting my meat before I freeze it - so chicken or sausages or whatever get cut up then go into the freezer. On Sundays or Mondays I try to cut up the vegetables I’ll need for the week. But I don’t always get to it

 

[dutchvw]

@davidlionheart I’ll be honest, when my third was a baby…I didn’t. Unless I had help from another adult, cooking in the afternoon/evening was way too stressful. I would prep something fast in the morning if I could with the baby in a carrier or napping while the middle played (or watched a few minutes of a show). Places like Trader Joe’s and Costco have good pre prepped meals and we did those a lot. It’s a bit more expensive but it’s worth your sanity.

 

[awade777]

@davidlionheart Dad of three here. My youngest is now six. Growing up I had a relatively small family with no cousins. It does make life a tiny bit more chaotic, but I've witnessed in every family (each of my siblings and siblings in law have three to five kids) that two is harder than three. Having a third has helped the other two kids become better adjusted by having someone else in the family dynamic. Yes it'll be a little bit of time off from getting back to adult life, but it'll still be there after this temporary situation is through. On the other side I think you'll be glad you had number three.

 

[norsemen]

@davidlionheart I agree with one of the other comments here... i have 3 kids in 19 month intervals and going from 1-2 made us consider not having any more. (I also had dangerously severe PPD).
We had an accidental 3rd. I admit, i cried when i found out. And then i cried again after she was born, because i felt SO bad for ever not wanting her lol!! and it has been the EASIEST time for us as parents! The older 2 are used to me not having time for each of them 100%. They play with each other and the older one tells me when the younger one get into something unsafe.

We also found a dayhome 2 doors away from us, and the older 2 go there for a few hours once a week. So it's just baby and me time right now, and it's so wonderful.

 

[doge9000]

@davidlionheart Babyhood is temporary. It can be so hard but it does pass. When you're deciding whether to keep this baby I'd think about whether in 5 years you would want 2 kids or 3 - which would make you happier? And if you do decide to keep this baby, be kind to yourself and throw money (if you have it) at whatever problems come up to stay as sane as possible, whether that's getting a sitter so you can play tennis or whatever you need.

ETA: our 4th that we had 5 months ago was accidental (but wanted, eventually) and even though we feel very burned out right now (18 month spacing has been super hard on us) she is an absolute joy and love in our life. Her older siblings adore her, and we are digging our way out of the baby stage.

 

[rachelanne84]

@davidlionheart Only you can decide but here’s my experience. I’m due with my third any day and this has been my easiest pregnancy yet. My boys entertain each other all day long (similar ages). We have no family nearby and I’m a SAHM but have very few concerns for postpartum other than lack of sleep. Only time will tell how this baby changes our family but both my kids are very excited and I’m hopeful they will be more helpful than not this time around since they’re a little older!

 

[amberdawn007]

@davidlionheart You can do it (from a mum of an accidental third!). Of course it's a big decision and absolutely talk to a counsellor and your husband. But my perspective is that I remember being daunted about how I would cope before my third arrived, and you just...do. You know what you're doing with a baby, the older two entertain each other, and time passes before you know it. Now my third is 2.5 and I feel like our family would feel quiet and boring without her. The three of them play in a little gang now. Of course there will be hard days, so you want to be psychologically committed, but once you lean in you will never look back.

 

[birdyyyy]

@davidlionheart Our first pregnancy resulted in twins. No history in our family… We had been together for 15 years and considered ourselves child-free so we were shook.

Pregnancy was hard but labor was harder… I almost died and the first two years I felt like death especially because I had zero help and it was during COVID. No family, daycare, or friends, not even a babysitter. Just me and them 24/7. So we swore no more children because of how badly my mental health tanked.

Lo and behold when they were 18 months old, I discover I’m pregnant again!

I was very torn. I cried a lot. But I went through with the pregnancy.

The first two years were so hard. My husband and I both expressed a lot of regret. It was overwhelming to go from 0 to 3 kids in two years…

She is about to turn three next month and we could not imagine life without her! They all get along so well and it’s so magical to see them all play together.

If you can afford it financially, and have the means to afford help, I say go for it. Especially if your husband is an active and hands-on dad. But make sure to take care of yourself! Make sure that it all doesn’t fall on you because it sounds like you are already mentally exhausted. If it’s possible, I would hire maybe a mommy‘s helper or something?

Regardless, the choice is ultimately yours. You know your body and family best.

Good luck!!!

 

[norsemen]

@birdyyyy Username checks out

Jokes aside, that sounds so awful, i'm glad you're doing better now!!

 

[birdyyyy]

@norsemen