Can’t have a third kid :( please remind me why it’s ok?
- Thread starter ztalbott
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ramonguitar
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@ztalbott I read an article once (I wish I could find it for you) about a study that was done where they interviewed people with 1, 2, 3 and 4 kids. People with 3 kids were the most unhappy. The authors theorized it was because one kid always felt like they were left out. (I’m not bashing anyone who decides to have 3, btw!)
I always wanted to have a daughter. We ended up with two boys, and decided we couldn’t have a third child for a variety of reasons. I definitely went through a mourning period. It’s ok to still feel sad about the children you wish you could have had and still love and be grateful for the ones you do have. Take some time to mourn and feel sad about it, but also think about how blessed you are with the children you have.
Another thing: think about the convenience of just two kids. You don’t need a third row car. All 4 of you can ride a roller coaster when they get older. You can play 4 person card games as a family. You can go out to eat and sit at a 4 person booth.
I always wanted to have a daughter. We ended up with two boys, and decided we couldn’t have a third child for a variety of reasons. I definitely went through a mourning period. It’s ok to still feel sad about the children you wish you could have had and still love and be grateful for the ones you do have. Take some time to mourn and feel sad about it, but also think about how blessed you are with the children you have.
Another thing: think about the convenience of just two kids. You don’t need a third row car. All 4 of you can ride a roller coaster when they get older. You can play 4 person card games as a family. You can go out to eat and sit at a 4 person booth.
samalematina
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@ramonguitar I believe. You often hear about middle kids being the odd ones out and often forgotten.
rumiakthar
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@ztalbott I’m the oldest of 4 and it was hell. It was very dysfunctional and chaotic. My husband just has one brother and they’re close and stable.
If you have a big family and each kid is in some kind of extracurricular… some go to different schools depending on the age gap… that gets hectic. I’m pretty close with one sister and the other I have no contact with. Youngest brother is so far in age that we talk but there’s not much in common life-wise.
I’m sticking with 2 because of firsthand experience. Even 3 of us was rough in our family.
If you have a big family and each kid is in some kind of extracurricular… some go to different schools depending on the age gap… that gets hectic. I’m pretty close with one sister and the other I have no contact with. Youngest brother is so far in age that we talk but there’s not much in common life-wise.
I’m sticking with 2 because of firsthand experience. Even 3 of us was rough in our family.
@ztalbott 2 is the perfect number. I have 4 and let me tell you, zero children in my house get the attention or experiences they deserve. I do not have enough time for all of them, neither does my husband. I obviously love them and don’t regret them, I do feel great guilt about not being able to provide each of them with the undivided attention they deserve.
My oldest can sometimes miss out on things because we have to leave due to a little siblings screaming or crying or whatever and that kills me. When you have 2 kids each of them get enough attention and quality time with you and I’d say they form an even closer bond. It will be just fine.
My oldest can sometimes miss out on things because we have to leave due to a little siblings screaming or crying or whatever and that kills me. When you have 2 kids each of them get enough attention and quality time with you and I’d say they form an even closer bond. It will be just fine.
santacruzpride
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chirstsboi_willingservant
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@ztalbott First of all I am so sorry that you are going through this. I had one miscarriage and my second current pregnancy is high risk. I can't imagine going through more than one miscarriage. The news regardless must be so upsetting.
What I will say is that my younger sibling and I are very close even though he lives in another country. We are both very close to our parents too.
I think you're very lucky to have two amazing kids - and a boy and girl too! Some people may never be able to have even one child. It sounds like you have a beautiful life!
What I will say is that my younger sibling and I are very close even though he lives in another country. We are both very close to our parents too.
I think you're very lucky to have two amazing kids - and a boy and girl too! Some people may never be able to have even one child. It sounds like you have a beautiful life!
@ztalbott My husband is one of two and him and his sister are super close. They FaceTime often and she came out and stayed a week with us when we had our kiddo and he did the same. I'm one of four. I was the third. Definitely felt forgotten about. Hell my poor brother got the absolute short end of the stick. By the time he came along my parents basically had given up on parenting.
@ztalbott I can relate to your situation. I have two kids. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 31 and it was difficult for me to cope with not being able to have another child at such a young age. I had always hoped to have 3-4 kids. (The hysterectomy was a no-brainer, btw. I had a bad case of endometriosis and adenomyosis and that surgery gave me my life back).
My surgeon encouraged me to seek counseling. She said she always recommends counseling for anyone who can no longer have kids that they had hoped for. I am so glad that I did! It was helpful to talk to a counselor about what I was going through and not experience comments that I would frequently hear back from family and friends such as "you should be thankful you got the two you have!" And "it was meant to be that you only have two kids."
Counseling was helpful, but, for the most part, I just needed time to heal physically and mentally. I hope that you will seek out help if you need it as well.
My surgeon encouraged me to seek counseling. She said she always recommends counseling for anyone who can no longer have kids that they had hoped for. I am so glad that I did! It was helpful to talk to a counselor about what I was going through and not experience comments that I would frequently hear back from family and friends such as "you should be thankful you got the two you have!" And "it was meant to be that you only have two kids."
Counseling was helpful, but, for the most part, I just needed time to heal physically and mentally. I hope that you will seek out help if you need it as well.
z_alan_bridges
New member
@ztalbott I come from a large family, 6 kids. Out of all of them I am close to one. I am the oldest and even though my parents tried to give us all attention, none of us except the baby seemed to get that more "individual " attention. With so many kids it was impossible for my mom to attend all
Of our events bc so many times things would
Be on same day/time.
Of our events bc so many times things would
Be on same day/time.
onetruechurch4
New member
@ztalbott If it might help? I’m one of 5 and we aren’t close. At all. There are some close ish relationships between a couple of us. But we are not a group of siblings that gets together to visit and talks about everything. We’re the group that goes years without seeing each other and sends messages on birthdays.
My husband has two sets of cousins. Two brothers on one side and two sisters on the other. Those siblings are so close. His female cousins are 2 years apart. One lives in Minnesota and the other in London. But you wouldn’t know there’s even distance between them. They talk almost daily and love each other so much. The boys are a few years apart. One is In Texas and the other in Delaware. Same thing though. They’re so close-they’re each other’s support. And they’re also always visiting their parents.
My husband is one of 3 (4 if you count his step sister who joined the family when he was in college). He’s not close with the step sister at all. She’s a mess lol. His sister, born a year after him, is also not someone he cares to spend much time with. But he is extremely close with his youngest sister. She lives in Italy right now. We are so close with her and her bf. They were just in the states for middle sister’s wedding and stayed extra time to spend time with just us and the kids. They’re flying back here in a few weeks to babysit our kids so we can go to a joint bachelor party for friends. They asked to do this! It’s amazing how wonderful their relationship is. They love our boys so much - it’s amazing.
So it really is just a personality thing, imo. more isn’t always merrier.
I am truly sorry for what you’re going through right now. It’s important to take time to mourn for the family you always thought you’d have. Maybe our comments can help a bit, but it doesn’t take away how hard it is to say goodbye to your dreams.
I bet your two babies will be happy with each other. I bet they already love each other and that love will only grow as they get older.
My husband has two sets of cousins. Two brothers on one side and two sisters on the other. Those siblings are so close. His female cousins are 2 years apart. One lives in Minnesota and the other in London. But you wouldn’t know there’s even distance between them. They talk almost daily and love each other so much. The boys are a few years apart. One is In Texas and the other in Delaware. Same thing though. They’re so close-they’re each other’s support. And they’re also always visiting their parents.
My husband is one of 3 (4 if you count his step sister who joined the family when he was in college). He’s not close with the step sister at all. She’s a mess lol. His sister, born a year after him, is also not someone he cares to spend much time with. But he is extremely close with his youngest sister. She lives in Italy right now. We are so close with her and her bf. They were just in the states for middle sister’s wedding and stayed extra time to spend time with just us and the kids. They’re flying back here in a few weeks to babysit our kids so we can go to a joint bachelor party for friends. They asked to do this! It’s amazing how wonderful their relationship is. They love our boys so much - it’s amazing.
So it really is just a personality thing, imo. more isn’t always merrier.
I am truly sorry for what you’re going through right now. It’s important to take time to mourn for the family you always thought you’d have. Maybe our comments can help a bit, but it doesn’t take away how hard it is to say goodbye to your dreams.
I bet your two babies will be happy with each other. I bet they already love each other and that love will only grow as they get older.
alanstranger1
New member
harryborne
New member
@ztalbott Two is wonderful!! Imagine how much less attention your two sweet kiddos would get if you had a third.
Also, would a third force some kids to have to share a room? Would you have to buy a new, larger vehicle? When you go to amusement parks, most rides are for two people.
Kids are expensive-two versus three saves lots of money! College, better vacations and lifestyle for the two you have. More love and attention for them!
Also, would a third force some kids to have to share a room? Would you have to buy a new, larger vehicle? When you go to amusement parks, most rides are for two people.
Kids are expensive-two versus three saves lots of money! College, better vacations and lifestyle for the two you have. More love and attention for them!
heatherolivia
New member
@ztalbott You have so much love and support here already. As the youngest of 2, it's ok. Really. My brother and I always got along. We aren't super tight, talk-every-day kind of siblings but we know we can always talk as needed, always stay in touch and always enjoy time we spend together. There are several factors contributing to our casualness - we're further apart in age than your kids, we live across the country from each other, and some mental health issues that constrain their travel. But we are still connected, still family. And my parents are close to both of us.
I hesitate to share the rest of this, because I know you are still raw, but as the child in this situation, I feel I need to. Being one of only two wasn't hard or bad. I love my brother. He's awesome. What was hard was my mother's pain at having only two. Even as a young child, I felt her deep disappointment and determined never to pick how many kids I wanted, because I didn't want that burden. I still see that in her and I hate that she feels that way, because we are a good family. I am concerned that perhaps she misses some of the joy that is there, because she keeps comparing to some hypothetical. I share, not with criticism, but with deep love. Please, find a way to process your grief. It is real and painful and it will take time and that's ok. But with friends and family and perhaps a therapist, please find a way to process it. Because your family is good and beautiful and will bring so much joy! Don't let yourself lose that.
I hesitate to share the rest of this, because I know you are still raw, but as the child in this situation, I feel I need to. Being one of only two wasn't hard or bad. I love my brother. He's awesome. What was hard was my mother's pain at having only two. Even as a young child, I felt her deep disappointment and determined never to pick how many kids I wanted, because I didn't want that burden. I still see that in her and I hate that she feels that way, because we are a good family. I am concerned that perhaps she misses some of the joy that is there, because she keeps comparing to some hypothetical. I share, not with criticism, but with deep love. Please, find a way to process your grief. It is real and painful and it will take time and that's ok. But with friends and family and perhaps a therapist, please find a way to process it. Because your family is good and beautiful and will bring so much joy! Don't let yourself lose that.