@jar1437 A lot of people have suggested it already but I’ll echo your daughter needs inpatient treatment. Call your insurance for guidance on what treatment centers they cover and get to an eating disorder specific mental health treatment center for assessment. Research the best ones with the best alternative therapies like OT, equine therapy, etc. The best one covered by your insurance.
At your daughters age family based therapy is going to be recommended as best however I highly suggest given the family dynamic described you advocate against this. My advice is as an unfortunately lifelong anorexic and a mother not a professional. Remove your relationship as a mother from the disease as much as possible. Your communication with the disease as her mother should be objective in advocating for best professional care. While you will see many glorious sugar coated stories about FBT I don’t personally believe your place as her mother can be maintained if you step into a coat on her care team. My advice is to get her the best care and also do not argue with anorexia. You don’t argue about snacks but if she can’t maintain her prescribed meal plan she knows (from her actual care team) she will go back to treatment. You can encourage her but you do not argue with anorexia. Know you are not arguing with your daughter in these moments. She is gone when her food defense comes up. You as her mother are there to support her for how hard recovery that will be. This will be a repeat support job. She needs you to be there when she is ready to cry about how defeated she feels. You listen to her, you acknowledge how hard it is, but her care plan as someone with a severe and potentially deadly medical illness is not in your hands and should not be.
Don’t let any psychiatrist or therapist make you feel bad for not doing FBT either. It is not your job to reduce the risk they have with their absolutely riskiest clients. Make them treat their own clients instead of having parents traumatizing kids through lack of education. I’ve literally read of parents on FBT forums handcuffing their “manipulative anorexic” teens to chairs and force feeding them in name of FBT. Head into eating disorder forums and you will see teens describing how they are acting love and compliance until they can get out of dodge for college. This is why I don’t believe the self reported FBT success metrics. Are all FBT parents abusive? No, of course not. But when you think your kid is just a manipulative liar through advice of professionals and you are at wits end arguing with anorexia that is a recipe for disaster!
At your daughters age family based therapy is going to be recommended as best however I highly suggest given the family dynamic described you advocate against this. My advice is as an unfortunately lifelong anorexic and a mother not a professional. Remove your relationship as a mother from the disease as much as possible. Your communication with the disease as her mother should be objective in advocating for best professional care. While you will see many glorious sugar coated stories about FBT I don’t personally believe your place as her mother can be maintained if you step into a coat on her care team. My advice is to get her the best care and also do not argue with anorexia. You don’t argue about snacks but if she can’t maintain her prescribed meal plan she knows (from her actual care team) she will go back to treatment. You can encourage her but you do not argue with anorexia. Know you are not arguing with your daughter in these moments. She is gone when her food defense comes up. You as her mother are there to support her for how hard recovery that will be. This will be a repeat support job. She needs you to be there when she is ready to cry about how defeated she feels. You listen to her, you acknowledge how hard it is, but her care plan as someone with a severe and potentially deadly medical illness is not in your hands and should not be.
Don’t let any psychiatrist or therapist make you feel bad for not doing FBT either. It is not your job to reduce the risk they have with their absolutely riskiest clients. Make them treat their own clients instead of having parents traumatizing kids through lack of education. I’ve literally read of parents on FBT forums handcuffing their “manipulative anorexic” teens to chairs and force feeding them in name of FBT. Head into eating disorder forums and you will see teens describing how they are acting love and compliance until they can get out of dodge for college. This is why I don’t believe the self reported FBT success metrics. Are all FBT parents abusive? No, of course not. But when you think your kid is just a manipulative liar through advice of professionals and you are at wits end arguing with anorexia that is a recipe for disaster!