Breaking great-grandma’s heart for not letting baby CIO

[bigskyguy76]

I’d like to know if I’m out of line here. My 8 month old baby is an extremely sensitive, high needs baby who hates car rides with a burning passion. If we’re in the car for more than 10 minutes she cries, screams, hyperventilates, even chokes on her spit and stops breathing. We also suspect she gets carsick because she pukes almost every time she’s in the car.

The problem is my mom is begging and guilting me into going to her family’s Christmas, which is an hour and a half away, so my grandma can spend time with her. She even offered to ride with us to help (my baby isn’t exactly a fan of my mom, and if I, her MOTHER, can’t calm her down, what makes her think she will??). My grandma is 85 and can only come see us if someone drives her. Also, nobody on my mom’s side of the family has met my baby yet because we haven’t been able to drive to them.

I’d love to spend Christmas with them so they can see my daughter, but I cannot justify letting my baby scream and hyperventilate for 90 minutes. And I’m annoyed and hurt that my mom is making me feel like a horrible person for not sacrificing my baby’s wellbeing. Am I being selfish or overprotective?

 

[mrwallyboy78]

@bigskyguy76 Is there anyway they can visit you instead? I would not take my kid probably anywhere if they were that upset much less that long of a drive but if you are open to seeing them maybe your family could come to you

 

[bigskyguy76]

@mrwallyboy78 I actually thought about offering to host. I know they wouldn’t go for it, but it’s worth a shot!

 

[davecalifornia]

@bigskyguy76 Why can’t your mom drive grandma down to your place? I wouldn’t want to have my baby cry in the car for 2 hrs either. I’m sorry but if they can’t make an effort to come to you and haven’t met the baby yet because they won’t drive down.. that’s their problem not yours!

 

[ineedjesus1]

@bigskyguy76 If you are tending to your baby’s needs and not ignoring them then even if they continue crying it is not a cry it out method. You are still comforting them and doing what you can. Eg if you’re in the back of the car while baby cries and they know you’re trying to comfort and help then it’s not leaving them to CIO. Same with if they are generally cranky or whatever at home and won’t stop crying - if you’re with them and comforting them it’s not CIO.

That said, only do what is comfortable and works for you. Hyperventilating and puking in a car for 90 min would be enough to drive me crazy. If the drive is only 90 minutes and you do want to try to make it work though, can you do multiple stops along the way? Maybe there are rest stops/coffee shops you can go into periodically?

Alternatively if your grandma can’t drive but would like to see baby more you could plan with a family member to maybe do half the drive to bring her to you and you bring her the rest of the way or something?

All that to say I do not think you’re out of line for not wanting to do the drive, but I do think there are some ways you could make the visits with grandma work if you are wanting to.

Good luck!

 

[bigskyguy76]

@ineedjesus1 Thank you for the info on CIO, that definitely helps with the mom guilt! Meeting her halfway would definitely be more doable, so I’ll probably see about doing that next month. She’ll probably still be sad about not spending Christmas with us, but it’s better than nothing!

 

[ineedjesus1]

@bigskyguy76 Yeah for sure. It’s a tough situation to be in, no doubt.

 

[kinai]

@bigskyguy76 Could you time the drive with her nap?

 

[rewind2grace]

@kinai I'm guessing baby won't sleep in the car. Mine never ever did.

 

[bigskyguy76]

@rewind2grace Correct, baby hasn’t slept in the car since 4 months. She also won’t sleep in the stroller.

 

[wren84]

@bigskyguy76 Same boat!!! I have 4 kids, ZERO of them could do car rides as young babies. I have a 9 month old right now and I just don’t drive him places over 20 minutes because of this, and it’s been the same for all my kids .

I will say though, you might regret it if you don’t push through. My grandfather died this past year. He never got to see my kids ever because it was also very hard for him to drive long distances. I absolutely regret not just making the drive. I just didn’t do it because we couldn’t cope with the crying, but I regret it immensely.

 

[bigskyguy76]

@wren84 I absolutely would regret not seeing her more if something happened, that’s why this situation is stressing me out so much! My baby is named after my grandma, so she’s very important to me. I just feel sick about putting my baby through a torturous car ride and then exposing her to all these new people and germs

 

[wren84]

@bigskyguy76 I totally understand that. I visited my grandfather 3 singular times after I had my first born, until his death, and the ride absolutely sucked. I sat in the back with my baby, and we literally just had to keep pulling over. It was brutal. He passed and I regret not spending more time with him, my advice is to do the drive and just keep pulling over. You don’t need to just plow through the drive. I would do one big visit with grandma and then that’s it if this were me, and make the visit special. I would make it be known how difficult this drive is and let everyone know there won’t be visits after this until baby can chill in the car again too. I promise you it’s worth the memories.

 

[jestrada]

@bigskyguy76 We went through this same issue!! My son hated the car as a baby. We waited until he was over a year before driving long distances to visit family. He is now two and is fine with the car. No regrets here at all. As far as I’m concerned, baby’s needs clearly come first! If it’s really so important, someone can pick up your grandma and drive her. People who want your baby to cry (with my son it was like he was being tortured) are being selfish. Period.

 

[bigskyguy76]

@jestrada Was there anything other than time that helped your son be fine in the car?

 

[jestrada]

@bigskyguy76 When we got a bigger car seat he really seemed to tolerate the car better—his infant seat was nice and good quality, but he never liked it! Some other little things that noticeably seemed to make a difference were music, opening the windows, and giving him snacks. Really though, I think we mostly had to wait it out until he got older. I know how tough it is. Hang in there!!

 

[mh86]

@bigskyguy76 That sounds like torture. My friends kiddos hate the car too and she avoids driving as much as possible. There’s nothing wrong with saying no. You’re prioritizing your baby’s health and your sanity.

Side note since you think she gets carsick, has she ever been in a different car? Apparently is a thing where certain people get carsick but only in certain cars and in a different car they’re totally fine. Could be worth a shot!

 

[bigskyguy76]

@mh86 She’s been in a car and a truck, same issues in both unfortunately. Good tip tho!

 

[mh86]

@bigskyguy76 Ah shoot. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

 

[timbohemia]

@bigskyguy76 I always say that if it is important enough for people to see your kid, they will find a way. Especially under 1 year and having a valid reason to not bring baby to them, which you absolutely have a valid reason. If they really want great grandma to spend time, they'll find a way to get her to you.

It is a lot to put baby through, 90 minutes of being that upset. Also, it's not safe to drive that long with baby screaming their head off, it's human nature as a parent for your nerves to get frayed, making for potentially unsafe driving.