@aderro You are amazing! You are not alone.
I also had a traumatic l&d, I had severe onset preeclampsia and was induced. I had gained 70 lbs on a small frame despite exercising daily up until her birth. I was a huge swollen mess.
Long story short, I labored for 60 hours, pushed for 6, then had an emergency c section. I was on toxically strong doses of high blood pressure medication and remember very little of her labor and delivery; I was completely bed bound and unable to really assist with the labor due to the medication and need for monitoring. I couldn't move at all, as the magnesium relaxed all my muscles. I couldn't breathe or move my hands at all, or even open my eyes. All the smooth muscles in my body became rubber due to the mega doses of magnesium. I was scared and just wished it would be over soon.
In hindsight I think I also mentally disassociated due to the trauma and fear. All I remember is thinking that we were both going to die, and how different this was from the beautiful natural birth I had envisioned and prepared for. When I was told I couldn't labor in the water as I had planned, I just shut down. I'm so embarrassed to say that, but it's true. I didn't get to hold my baby in the recovery room as my hands didn't work, so no golden hour... the nurses didn't put her on me or anything, I'm still angry over it. The only thing that did go right is we were able to breastfeed. It was such a struggle at first, with not being able to move my body or hands, to having comically large boobs for my frame made even worse by pregnancy, nipples point down, no milk for the first week due to the c section... but we roughed it out and it became an amazing way to bond for both of us. I am so sad and hurt at how the labor and delivery went, and my recovery afterwards. I was on HBP meds for 5 weeks after that made me sick, dizzy and sleepy. I don't feel like I really got to bond or enjoy the sleepy newborn stage. I have only a few photos from that time.
I still struggle with jealousy with mamas who had beautiful picture perfect pregnancies, labor and delivery, and first years. Ones who can remember the birth of their baby and talk about it without crying ugly tears and making strangers uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. I struggle with how it's always a quiet indictment of mom when it didn't go that way for me, and feeling like it's my fault. I wish I would have spoken up more and felt more empowered.
You are amazing. I would encourage you to tell your story when you feel ready, to everyone you can. Part of my healing journey was finding a good support system and therapist, because my own family was not supportive or helpful. Don't let anyone diminish your story by saying well at least you have a healthy baby. Fuck that noise. You are tough and a survivor, and deserved better. Focus on your healing and taking things one day at a time, and don't feel bad about prioritizing your health and utilizing your amazing support system. Try to find ways to bond with your baby
Realize that in time, you will either lose the weight or make peace with your new body. Hopefully both! Do small actions that add up to legacies. Get a few minutes of exercise when you can squeeze it in, hold baby and snuggle when you can, look for easy no bake foods that are healthy. Prioritize fruits and veggies and unprocessed foods, drink water and coconut water, do grocery delivery if you can afford it. You can do this girl! You're a survivor and mama and I am so so proud of you, one mama to another.