Birth trauma and birth injury

[aderro]

Please, I am desperate to talk to any one who might have insight as to what healing might look like. Even if you only can relate to a few things, I just want to know about your experience!

I gave birth 14 months ago.
It was a traumatic birth, that lasted 48 hours and ended in a c section. I was diagnosed with PPD and then later PTSD. My husband and I had to sell our home and move in with my parents because I was unable to care for myself or son. I sustained numerous injuries to myself, requiring 3 surgeries (one surgery was a combo surgery with 2 procedures). I tore both labrums in my hips and had hip dysplasia so both my hips needed to be partially reconstructed. I had 2 hernias repaired, and additional abdominal surgery to remove endometriosis adhesions that the c section caused to spread (the endo adhered my colon to various things).

I am still needing to use a wheelchair if I leave the house. I cannot walk up a flight of stairs and sleep in a hospital bed. My mom cares for my son full time. Ive had to go on disability. I’m an OT by trade.

My most recent hip surgery took place almost 2 months ago. I have a fairly large diastasis recti which causes significant back pain when I stand. I have a standing tolerance of about 5-8 minutes before it feels like my back and hips are going to give out on me. I can’t tolerate doing any house work and struggle to bath and dress myself. I look like I’m 7 months pregnant, my abdomen is so rounded and distended. My stomach has incredible amounts of adhesions so much so that it restricts me from extending my back. It’s also so sensitive still from my c section (and 2 other abdominal surgeries) that I cannot tolerate clothing against any portion of my stomach below my belly button line. I still have a pubic bone condition called osteitis pubis along with hyertonia of my pelvic floor muscles.

Prior to pregnancy, I worked full time (40+ hours/week) and worked out 6 days/week. I was incredibly active. I used to be a size 4. I haven’t lost a single pound since pregnancy. I don’t know what to do about this body I’m forced to live in now. I don’t even recognize myself. I’m teetering on the verge of being obese because I gained 40+ pounds during pregnancy and I haven’t been able to do anything to lose the weight. I’m also still breastfeeding which doesn’t help me being hungry all the time.

I’ve been in PT for my hips for 5 months and start pelvic floor PT soon. I see a therapist for my PTSD. I am desperate for any advice or anyone who has any experience with what I’ve mentioned. I am desperate to live my life again and I want to be able to take care of myself and son. Im so afraid I won’t heal and be able to be active again so I can get down to a healthy weight.

 

[timtownley520]

@aderro I’m so sorry. Of course no one will have your exact story. But many women have awful traumatic birth experiences and even more whos recovery was longer and more painful than anticipated. From having my own situation, all I can say is give it TIME and keep as positive attitude as you can. You SURVIVED. Keep going and I’m so sorry this nightmare isn’t over yet. You are a warrior.

 

[aderro]

@timtownley520 Thank you for taking the time to read my post. You’re right! I know I won’t find anyone who’s ever experienced what I have. I was more or less hoping to find anyone that could relate to any one of my injuries I mentioned. As an OT I understand healing can take so long which is hard and really frustrating. I was hoping someone could give me insight as to how long it took them to recover from something. Right now it feels like I haven’t made much progress. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[sunshinegirl23]

@aderro Is there a grief group that your therapist could point you to? It helps having other people going through things of similar magnitude, and what you're describing here is massive.

You're right you be exhausted. It's exhausting just hearing everything. You've come so far, but because there's still so much left to repair it feels never ending.

Can you make a plan with your doctor? Is there one point man following your overall recovery? If not, take that job on to yourself. And have a flow chart or visual path to recovery to help set minor goals along the way. They mapped out endo repair, immediate birth healing from the c, and your hip surgery, but you still have PT for hips, PT for pelvis, (be sure these are working together, not against each other), and forward from there. Don't be surprised if the pelvis PT gives you really basic exercises.

I have the weak abs pulling my back and making standing difficult, at a much lower level but it's still a thing. Basic engagement of the abs tires out my abdominal muscles because my stabilizers are doing all the heavy lifting. Refocusing muscle activation is a long road, but if you have help and you do your exercises, you'll make progress each week. Small goals.

As far as your weight, that can be done in the kitchen. You need high protein to help repair your muscles and you need lots of good nutrients to help your brain and bones. Empty calories aren't helping, even if they give you the dopamine rush that you don't get anywhere else because of the big sad. Find a healthy food you like. Smoothies? Berries or fruit? It's still important to treat yourself, don't get me wrong, but we want you to heal and to do that you're starting from the bottom and lifting and running aren't the level of exercise you can do yet. It looks more like did you sit on the ground on your mat and do your clam shell leg raises or play with your son?

Everything you're capable of doing, keep it up, but remember that your upper body is connected to your lower body by your abdomen. Just because your biceps can lift 20lbs doesn't mean your abs can stabilize 20lbs, so this is why it's so important to focus on the small wins.

You're valuable. You're a mom. You're providing things that are irreplaceable. You're irreplaceable. Do your work from the ground up today, so that the person you see in five years has had significant improvement because one day at a time, that five years is going to pass anyway. Who do you want to be when it arrives?

 

[aderro]

@sunshinegirl23 Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I know it’s long. I did leave out several details to try to shorten it, but my story always ends up being a novel.
A support group would be a great idea, I will bring that up to my therapist when I see her next. I started counseling later than I should have and haven’t gone every week (since my surgery in August and October made it really difficult to get out to see her, and I don’t like telehealth counseling). I still have a lot of work to do in counseling. I haven’t started EMDR treatment yet but hope to soon. I just found a PCP and go there next week. My goal is to try to get my case condensed down better since I’ve only seen specialists and OBs at this point. A visual chart is a great idea. My husband and I had to move two states away back to our hometown so I had to find all new providers when we moved of course. My son was born Oct of 2022 and we moved at the beginning of 2023 to live with my parents.

Being on OT is helpful, because I do understand the body and the importance of nutrition. I didn’t mention my diet because I felt my post was way too lengthy. My mom does all the cooking and she cooks healthy overall. She cooks everything from scratch. I can’t tolerate standing long enough to make anything more complex than putting on a pot of coffee. I have to ask people to make me things. I usually do oatmeal or toast for breakfast. I let myself go hungry between meals because I hate having to ask people to get me things, my family taking care of my son feels like such a tremendous burden to them that I can’t stand asking them to do more. Even though I am incredibly blessed that they all love on my son so well. I know I could be better with my diet, the hard thing is I know better, I just struggle to do anything about it because I can’t do my own shopping or cooking. In the past, eating well was not an issue for me. I know I could do better about it now. I’m not gaining any more weight, I just haven’t lost any since giving birth. So obviously I’m maintaining. Part of me wonders how much my trauma is causing my body to cling to the weight. Also I’m still breastfeeding which is feeding into the issue.

Thank you for sharing your experience with your core weakness. The core is everything isn’t it?! I just need hope that there is a light some where at the end of this incredibly long and dark tunnel. Thank you for the encouragement.

 

[sunshinegirl23]

@aderro I had my baby in August of 22, and we just moved. I'm still reeling from it all, so clearly that alone can cause big feelings. It's good you're in therapy now. I am too, and I was with the birth of my first child. There's so many changes without the trauma or the move, but those make it overwhelming.

I wouldn't worry too much about dieting now you've provided a bit more context. It sounds like you just need a little more independence.
Have you seen the salad kits at the grocery? I know you probably aren't going there now, but in the past. Ask for a few of those to try. They have Southwest, Asian, Caesar...all kinds to try. Lettuce, toppings, and dressing is all included. You just need scissors and a bowl, so I bet you can make them sitting down
Unopened they'll last a week in the fridge so even if they just pick one up the next grocery trip it'll give you something healthy to nom on when you don't want to ask for help.

I also don't think you're a burden. If my sister were in your shoes I'd be doing everything I could to take some of the load and help, and I know your mom feels the same.

Do you have any hobbies? I like cross stitch and diamond art. They're both things you can do seated, but the diamond art can make you hunch a bit.

I want you to know that the weight is normal. They all used to say that breastfeeding makes the weight come right off, but I weigh the same I just don't have the belly (which was hormonal for me, and might still exist for you due to the diastasis, so please don't compare).

A little more light for you: it's winter. No one is doing the outdoor thing right now and very few (like only the most super dedicated) are working out. Everyone's waiting for New Year's Resolutions and Summer Body windows. So, for right now, you're just like everyone else. You might get ahead of the game if you get a good PT in your corner.

I believe you when you say you're in OT and that helps, but sometimes...doctors make the worst patients. Lol. Follow the directions you're given, do all the exercises. If you have suggestions, give them, because you do definitely know your body best.

If you want to PM me at all, feel free, but let me know. I use the app and I'm not sure I can see direct messages? But I'm not ignoring you, I promise.

 

[aderro]

@sunshinegirl23 It is very overwhelming!!

I seriously totally forgot about those salad kits. I used to use them all the time when I was working! Thank you for suggesting those, I think that’s a great idea.

I think I have read your response about a dozen times. Your words really resonated with me. I am so hard on myself, always expecting way too much of me. I can empathize with others, give all the grace, but when it comes to myself I’m not gentle at all. I’ve been trying to be better about it, but changing this lifelong mindset has been hard. And I am the WORST patient for sure. I used to work in inpatient rehab which would involve patients staying in a rehab part of the hospital while having intense rehab 3 hours a day after serious injuries/illnesses. How eye opening it is to be on the flip side of the coin. I now understand the depression and feelings of hopelessness that coincides with long term injury. I’m working so hard to push through that, even on my worst days.

I also think you and I could definitely be friends! I used to do embroidery and actually have started doing it again after my second surgery! Creating has been so good for the soul.

Thank you for taking to time to think of suggestions and offering encouragement/validation. Motherhood is really hard, I’ve learned I’m not alone in that.

 

[dirtrabbit11]

@aderro Not the kind of advice you are looking for, but if you are in the US, consider meeting with an attorney. Your injuries sound extreme and your continued suffering is unconscionable.

 

[aderro]

@dirtrabbit11 It’s interesting you say that! I am in the US. I’ve had two OBs tell me I have a case against the hospital for medical negligence. Which is what happened to me and ultimately leading to my injuries and PTSD. I spoke with an attorney and they told me they felt the cost of pursing a law suit would not compensate enough for it to be worth their time. They declined to represent me. I didn’t pursue it further mostly because of all the logistics of what a law suit would mean. I had to move back to my home town, two states away from where I gave birth. I would have to be present for multiple court hearings in the state my son was born, and I don’t have the finances to fly and am unable to sit in the car long enough to drive (I actually haven’t personally driven since Aug of this year). So I decided not to pursue it any further. Part of me gets so angry that I want to try it again and fight for some kind of compensation, especially because of the never ending medical bills we’ve had and will continue to have. But the other part of me is just done, too tired to fight. Not bad advice at all. Thanks for reading my post.

 

[dirtrabbit11]

@aderro I'm so sorry! I wish you all the best.

 

[angelofhearts]

@aderro I am in awe reading your story! You have been through so much and this has inspired me to also look at my traumatic birth experience with a new lens.

Try to look at the positives! Is your baby healthy? What brings you joy every day?

Next, consider a recover plan. What’s your prognosis? Is there any permanence to your conditions? Can someone help you with a structured recovery (ie a PT- I saw one and it’s been great for my DR)? Time will heal your wounds and I have faith it will get better for you.

The main thing I can relate to is that I had an unexpected c section. I had planned for an unmedicated birth so it was definitely a shock. It took a while to even walk properly so I sympathize. My incision still gives me discomfort. I have struggled with anxiety.

One thing that helped was getting movement and fresh air. Any movement at all- perhaps upper body with low weights. Ask your PT what you are cleared for and do it!

The other thing that’s helped massively with weight management (particularly when I couldn’t move much) was eating KETO and cutting out packaged/ processed food. I don’t care if I’m downvoted for this. It regulated my hormones, didn’t cause supply issues, and I only have 10 lbs left to lose to get to pre birth weight. I gained 37 pounds, was also a size four. Also EBF

The lack of movement plus any processed packaged food can set you up for failure with weight loss.

 

[aderro]

@angelofhearts Thank you for taking time to read my post, I know it’s lengthy for sure.
I’m so sorry for your trauma. Your story and trauma are both valid.

Yes my baby is healthy. I’m thankful for that. We had a huge struggle with BF for several months and a small cardiac scare at the beginning, but he’s now a healthy toddler. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am not sure about my prognosis yet, my surgeons arent entirely sure what things will look like for me. I think this is a huge piece of my fear/anxiety in this whole process. I’ve had to wait on pelvic floor PT until both my hip surgeries were done. I can now start pelvic floor PT in combination to my hip PT. So I will see my new therapist here in a few weeks while continuing hip rehab.

My first hip surgery was in August, which helped so much to be able to sit outside in my wheelchair. Winter has definitely caused my mental health to tank much more so, as it’s pretty cold where I live (northern US). But you’re definitely right, fresh air is such a mood booster.

I don’t mind at all that you suggested keto. I know a lot of people who’ve had good success with it.

 

[angelofhearts]

@aderro Good luck! I’m sure the PT will be a big help. A friend of mine broke her hip at 28 and she’s made a full recovery! There was talk about how she may not be able to carry a pregnancy after. She’s pregnant now.

That’s why I’m confident that if you get the right prognosis and care, you can recover and improve. I’ve seen it firsthand! For myself with the c section and my friend with her hip.

Keto is very effective and you don’t have to calorie restrict if done right. You can eat to satiety.

Best of luck to you on your journey to wellness

 

[aderro]

@angelofhearts At this point, I don’t believe I’m interested in any future pregnancies, but I appreciate you sharing your friends experience. I was also 28 when I gave birth oddly enough.
Thank you again for the kind words

 

[gonecrazy]

@aderro My goodness you‘ve been through so much. You are so strong. Getting through recovery is so hard because it’s literally bit by bit day by day. And it makes the days seem so very long but keep going. It’s hard to see it now but you’ll get to the other side of this.

I know you are seeking out others who can relate to parts of your story. I also had a long traumatic birth that lasted 60 hours and ended in a c-section. Looking back I’m pretty sure I had PPD. I blamed all my feelings on fatigue and lack of sleep but I think I was so low in my thoughts that I couldn’t see anything clearly. My mother had to basically move in with us for months to help because I developed a vestibular issue shortly after giving birth and I couldn’t safely care for my daughter because of the constant 24/7 dizziness. I needed months of vestibular therapy so I could function again. Couldn’t eat because of the dizziness, so my supply dried up, and then came guilt about having to stop BF.

What ended up helping me the most was changing where I put my focus. I’m a “fix it” kind of person. I dont like having things I can’t resolve and fix. So I spent a lot of time so focused on all the things that I wanted to fix but were, at that point, out of my control. I had to make myself focus on the things I could control given my circumstances. So I didn’t focus on making my dizziness stop (out of my control at that point), I tried to focus on just practicing whatever technique my VT gave me for homework (workable and achievable). Allow myself to accept that my supply dried up becasue I couldn’t eat (out of my control) and focus on researching the best formula I could find. That kind of stuff.

Give yourself lots of grace. I think it’s often easier to give grace to others than it is to give it to ourselves.

 

[aderro]

@gonecrazy Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for sharing your story. I’m familiar with vestibular rehab (I’m not formally trained in it, just learned techniques in school). That had to have been really scary and frustrating to face with a newborn!
I can definitely relate to the “fix it” personality. I think that’s a big reason for me becoming an OT.
Those are all valid points, focusing on what I can change.

 

[karensmith]

@aderro I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through all this. It sounds horrific! You are so brave for even just keeping going!

Equally, it’s amazing that through all of this that you’ve been able to breastfeed. Whatever else has happened, it’s great that you and your LO have been able to share that bond.

I had a few injuries after a difficult birth- the hormones gave me gallstones and I had to have my gallbladder removed via laparoscopy, plus a hernia fixed and serious DR. I was never diagnosed with PPD but went through some dark places.

I’m now 5 months past the surgery and have been doing PT consistently for those months (plus 5 months prior). I feel nearly recovered- not the same as before, but I’m happy enough with how my stomach looks and functions now. I can’t speak to the other things you mention, but substantial recovery from hernia repair and serious DR is possible although takes work and time.

A strong support network is really important. I had an amazing pelvic floor PT who I clicked with (I changed from the first one I saw because I wasn’t convinced). She told me about all kinds of crazy things she’d been able to successfully treat. When I was feeling low about my body, my husband also pointed out that PTs treat people who’ve been smashed up in car crashes with successful results.

It sounds like you’ve had setback after setback. It must be incredibly scary and frustrating. Sending you much love, and hopefully now you can begin to heal

 

[aderro]

@karensmith Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond!
I’ve had to fight so hard to breastfeed (we dealt with a difficult tongue tie with my son and it took him months to learn how to nurse… lots of LC visits, craniosacral specialists, and a month+ of round the clock wound care after his procedure). Breastfeeding has been my one way to bond with my son, I’m so thankful I can do it. I haven’t been able to lift/carry/hold him since he was a few months old, so it’s my one way to be close to him.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! That makes me hopeful that recovery is possible for me. If you don’t mind me asking, how significant was your diastasis compared to now?
How consistent did you have to be with exercises each day? Right now I’m on week 9 of 16 for my hip rehab and need to exercises 2x/day for it. I was just curious what to expect with pelvic floor exercises. I’m willing to do whatever at this point, just trying to gauge what it will look like.

For sure, PTs are awesome! I am trying to trust the process.
Thank you so much for your kind words

 

[karensmith]

@aderro I originally had a separation of around 6 fingers and it was very deep (which according to my PT is more important than width). Now at 1-2 fingers and able to do any kind of sport without fear if still working on getting back to full strength (important as I was very active previously). Only noticeable in certain types of clothing, and even then barely so.

I was consistent with 15 mins of daily exercise. It wasn’t easy to find the time. My main tip would be to do it with your baby. I think it’s a good model for them to see you take care of your body in this way. Find a safe space, put some music on and while they are working on their walking and running you are working on your pelvic floor.

Although exercise was the biggest part of treatment, my PT also used a machine called Indiba (which uses radio frequency I think), and I took collagen supplements occasionally (apparently estrogen changes during breastfeeding stop your body producing it which delays recovery).

Breastfeeding didn’t come very easily to us at first either but was also a lifeline the numerous times I was hospitalised with gallstones and couldn’t interact in other ways. I think food is a baby’s top priority really, as long as you are getting that right you will still be their number 1

Best of luck with your journey. Again, sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough road and hope you can gradually begin to recover and reach whatever new normality feels right to you. Do not settle until you get there

 

[aderro]

@karensmith Thanks so much for that info, that’s really helpful. I saw my PCP today (first one since moving back to my hometown). She is wanting me to find a very specialized PT, not just anyone who is trained in pelvic floor rehab given my unusual and extensive injuries. This will mean I will have to drive an hour+ now to get to a therapist since the next largest town is not very close (my hometown is fairly small). I’m not driving at the moment and obviously mobility is really difficult. I know you mentioned you had to switch PTs. I definitely don’t want to waste my time. When you switched providers, did you ask any specific questions on the phone prior to the evaluation?