At what point do you stop giving coparent info?

[themrsbeth]

Looking for advice. My ex is stationed in North Carolina while we live in Texas. We have one 8 year old who I basically have full custody of since his father lives in a different state and in the military. My son has his own cell phone where he calls, texts, etc his dad. There are days that go by with no text or phone call from his dad. He asks me why and I just maintain the peace and say maybe he’s busy at work. Me and ex have gotten into several heated arguments over the fact that, “I do not keep him in the loop, or remind our child to call him” as he says. First off I do not feel like my son needs to call/text him if he doesn’t want to. Ex is the adult and should maintain their relationship, it is not on my child to make sure they talk. Second, I keep him updated on school, how he’s doing in tutoring etc, but I don’t think it’s really necessary if he doesn’t ask or doesn’t take initiative to find out. Am I in the wrong here? Ex doesn’t try to talk to our son’s teacher or ask him who his friends are, none of that. Whenever my son is with his dad (Christmas or summer break) I don’t EVER forget to call him, I text him throughout the day just to tell him I love him. Am I wrong to be a little pissed off? And do I have to keep him “in the loop” if he doesn’t make the effort? Please give me advice. Today is our so n’s field trip, and I didn’t even bother telling his dad since the last time he called/texted my son was Monday.

 

[adriennesays]

@themrsbeth No advice here just total support in what sounds like a frustrating situation. It’s easier to blame you than do just a smidgen of work to stay connected. Really shows his priorities.

 

[jerryj]

@themrsbeth You only contact him when you need to. No need to coordinate a relationship between your child and your ex. That is your ex's responsibility. If he doesn't want to be up to date on things going on, that is on him. I suggest a parenting app. Put it all there so a judge can see it, if need be. Our Family Wizard is a good one.

 

[lawlord]

@themrsbeth If you are obligated to do that and you’re getting upset, then don’t do it. I mean, the father is an adult and can ask if he wants to know.

 

[leras]

@themrsbeth I don’t tell my kid’s dad anything. And they rarely talk. He has her number just rarely calls or texts her. It’s between them. I don’t get in the middle. If she wants to update him on school (she’s homeschooled for now) she can. If he wants to know something, he can ask me. He doesn’t.

 

[africamission]

@themrsbeth Do what’s required in your decree. Most in Texas (I live in TX too with an out of state ex) state that you are required to update your coparent. I just send what I’m required and expect no response (and never get one). Ex has the right to know and I’m required to send it. Now, if he has any questions, etc, he can reach out to the school/providers -I give all the info I have but it’s not my job to be a secretary for him. He definitely forgets that part . It’s also not my job to maintain his relationship with our kids. They have phones and can contact when they want. He can contact them, too. It’s his job as the adult/parent to maintain that. My kid’s therapist and the parenting facilitator and I have told him that, but somehow it’s still my fault.

Communicate what’s required, facilitate as required and ignore the rest. I don’t even respond to that stuff beyond “you have doctor contact info already” or “I’ve given you all the info I have” or if I’m being super snarky I’ll occasionally remind I’m not his secretary. I try not to do that because it’s important to remember all communications can be viewed by a judge one day.

 

[halterfr33]

@themrsbeth Is there some formal agreement that obligates you to provide that information?

I think in the absence of that, it would be you doing a courtesy.

No, I wouldn't take responsibility for getting the child to maintain a relationship with their parent. And I wouldn't participate if Dad chooses to initiate a conversation to air his upset about that.

Similarly, I wouldn't take responsibility for keeping him updated about school. At least for us, important updates are communicated to parents via email and an announcement-only whatsapp group.

 

[danields]

@themrsbeth You are doing all you can and all you should already. You are not his personal secretary or calendar manager. These are his problems not yours. Support your son - answer questions when he has them, help him call when he wants to- etc. Things you are already doing .

 

[pursuitoflove]

@themrsbeth personally, and I'll likely be down voted to hell, I think under the age of 12 it's up to the parents. after 12 (or close depending on maturity).

That being said, you ex should put the effor in. you 100% correct you ex should be doing work to maintain contact with the child. I'm not sure what his miliary career is allowing for contact so maybe it's a valid excuse.

Could you maybe do weekly update emails? summarize the last week and advise what coming this week? my friend does this with her ex and hes in the coast guard. she would forget by the time he got back about what's happening and it snowballed to lawyers being involved and this was the solution. She also doesnt think it's her job to update the ex (just for context)

 

[mosultima]

@themrsbeth I think it’s nice of you to keep your ex in the loop. But, I’m confused as to why you both are putting it on the child.

My son is also 8 but sees his dad at least every other weekend bc my ex lives several hours away and travels for work, and I still send updates and have them call each other. I sing praises on both sides and hype them up to each other. And now they are always so excited to talk and hang. It almost makes ya wanna puke. Monthly-ish ex texts me how much he loves our son and appreciates my efforts.

My ex and I don’t always get along and it took a while (several months) to get in the groove of effective communication, but I’m always going to support their relationship bc it’s for my baby. But, I’m constantly making sure they’re good even when his dad is being an old warty toad to me. When he’s older, they can decide for themselves.

I’m not going to put it on an 8-year old who can’t even find his homework or remember his coat in 30 degree temps to manage a relationship with his dad. I couldn’t even maintain a relationship with the man so I’m not expecting my pre-adolescent child to either.

P.S. You are not wrong to be pissed off. But, decide what you want your son’s future to look like and let that guide you. If you choose to try to help their connection, give it until summer to decide if it’s worth it to continue the effort.

 

[negasi]

@themrsbeth "Hey, you're more than welcome to call/text son. His phone is on and he's been waiting for you to reach out."
Ignore anything after that about it, and be a broken record if it's brought up.

Any major things about health/education/social activities (like recitals or games)/major behavioural things, even though you're the decision-maker, let him know.

A boy needs his father, however he's willing to show up. I wouldn't advice giving up on that relationship.

 

[themrsbeth]

@negasi I completely agree that a boy (actually any child) needs their father and have always maintained the peace, never spoken badly about his dad, never blocked them from seeing each other none of that, because I believe a relationship between them is important especially for a boy because I do not know what it is like to be a boy. Thank you for the advice!

 

[eternum]

@themrsbeth My ex is military in NC too (I'm in PA) and he used to blame me for the kids not calling him. Then once they got phones, he started guilt tripping them about never calling him.

About a year ago, my now 12 yrs old was talking to him (on speaker, drives me crazy) and his dad started with the, "You guys never call, you know you can call me anytime" My kid goes, "You can call me too.. Here's when I get home from school, we usually eat dinner and homework at D time and I go to bed at 8"

He rarely calls, especially now since he just got a house with his girlfriend and her daughters and he's always "so busy working on the house" or "had to work on his motorcycle or trailer etc"

Like how are you so busy you can't fucking text your child goodnight and you love them? I text them good morning and good night every day they are with him (which isn't a lot. It sucks really bad for them and I hate seeing how much it affects them)

 

[themrsbeth]

@eternum My god I am basically in the exact same situation. Ex lives with me gf and her daughter now, didn’t bother telling me my son would be staying with them during Christmas. He didn’t spend any one on one time with our son everything was a “family” outing as my son said. I’ve said the same thing too, “how can you forget? He’s literally your son, I don’t need you to remind him to call/text me because I reach out to him” it’s ridiculous

 

[jusbnme6]

@themrsbeth There’s a relationship facilitator in most marriages - one parent that helps nurture the relationship between the other parent and the kid. If I felt good providing the updates irrrspective of the response, I’d do it. If it didn’t make me feel good, I wouldn’t do it. I think it would make me feel good to brag/talk about my kid even to a deadbeat dad but I also understand wanting to stay out of it and not being his secretary. But if we were partnered, I’d happily coach and cheer that relationship on. I’m trying to say that part of the reason you don’t want to coach their relationship is because of the bitterness of the relationship ending or the disappointment in the person and that means you might not be giving your child something he needs because the parent is not deserving.

 

[savasa82]

@themrsbeth Communicate what is 100% required and keep it at that. This can easily get out of hand with more and more expectations

 

[nguyencuong9102]

@themrsbeth Yup.

The only thing I'd change is when son asks why Dad hasn't contacted him, instead of covering for Dad tell son to call or text and ask what is up.

Your son will notice if Dad doesn't respond. And he should find out for sure FROM HIS FATHER why he isn't answering.

Don't make excuses for Dad.

 

[bmabramczyk]

@themrsbeth INFO: Is there a set time he wants a call or text? How often does he expect an update on his kid from you?

I would say at 8 he may need some help remembering to call or text, and you can talk about how it's important to his dad to hear from him. How he has control on how he chooses to foster the relationship with his dad.

What I am hearing though is dad sucks at texting and then gets mad there was no communication. It's hard to talk to someone who doesn't want to put the effort in, or can't because of whatever his job is doing. But I also believe that dealing with crap people is a great tool to teach kids young.

I would have a conversation with dad about his expectations with communication. What I would think about is

1. How you share the kids life with him. What do you want to tell him? What does he want? Could you do a monthly email or some other agreement to appease him that won't be draining on you? Would a weekly picture or something keep him happy? My mom spends 6 months out of the country and I find sending her a photo a week makes her feel like she is included in my kids life. Because when it comes down to it they just want to be involved.
2. Can we schedule a time for a call or text btw dad and kid? Then he knows every... Sunday morning he will call. If schedules are an issue then it's up to the person missing the call to reschedule the time.
3. If the call or text is missed it is up to the person who missed the call or text to respond. Dad may be busy with work and the conversation can just continue.
4. If he does keep chiding you for lack of communication without agreeing to set expectations you don't be engaging in the conversation anymore.

Having clear expectations means things aren't up for debate. Then when he complains you have legs to stand on.

 

[openmyheart]

@themrsbeth Short of there being something in the agreement that you will poke your son to talk with his dad, I would just flatly tell him that this isn't my obligation and pretty much as you said; he's the adult, he needs to be in charge of reaching out.

My partner's coparent is an absent dad who moved really far away and despite being unemployed is "really busy." Frankly I think that my partner tries to coax/prod Kid too much about maintaining a relationship with their dad. It would be one thing if she was just checking in and they had an active one. Or if it waxed and waned... But as he seems to be pulling a "slow fade" on Kid (a young teen), I just see them as signing up for a huge helping of "daddy issues" in their future. Encouraging chasing the relationship I only see as adding to that. I think my partner is looking too much at what she'd want the relationship to be for her kid, instead of what it is. Kid obviously is too, but my partner's the adult. I've made the observation once to my partner that she might have the same blind spot as Kid about this; but I'm not in a parental role in this relationship, so I'm not going to push.

Fortunately Kid is in therapy around this.

Your 8 year old might be too young to benefit as much from therapy. However unless you've got gold plated health insurance, I'd suggest starting a savings fund for eventual therapy.

 

[katrina2017]

@themrsbeth I’m in a similar situation and I would disagree that it’s not your responsibility to remind your son to call his father. You cannot help what his father does, whether or not he answers or responds, but your son is a child and I’m sure there are lots of things you have to remind them to do on a daily or weekly basis that they do everyday. You wouldn’t let those things slide because you view it as important.

I don’t think that it’s “on your son” to maintain the relationship, but your son also didn’t ask to be brought into this world, he didn’t ask to be a child or divorce, or have parents in two separate homes. While nobody else can possibly know all the details, I caution you to not let your personal frustration and relationship with the father allow you to let it pass that nobody (son or dad) is making an effort unless the father wasn’t in the picture at all. He still is spending time with his father, you are the primary role model, teach your son how to maintain relationships and become responsible himself. He might replicate his fathers behavior someday himself because he doesn’t know any different. And honestly, you might not like it but it takes almost zero effort for you to say hey why don’t you give your father a call, it’s almost time for dinner, bed, etc.