As a SO of a new coparent I need perspective

scarfacemcfan

New member
Apologies ahead of time for grammer and my rambling. For some context I (30m) broke up with my wife around a year ago. We get along great and seem to coparent very well. She has a boyfriend we have not met yet only because he doesnt feel comfortable doing so yet. Id like to meet him and im sure I will soon. Her family knows about the new boyfriend and he is great with our 2 kids from what Ive heard (5 y/o boy) and (8 m/o girl)

Here is where my problem lies I have also moved on and have been dating a woman for 10 months. We didnt expect to date but we clicked almost immediately and its the healthiest relationship weve both ever had. She has also been out of her relationship for about the same as me. And witbout too much detail it was "done" long before it was officially done much like my prior relationship.

That all being said she is stuggling to find a new normal for coparenting. If shes needed space ive given it, ive been extremely supportive and understanding through everything. But i feel conflicted because a few months in her ex said he wants to meet me first before im around their daughter any more. I totally respect that and have been willing to meet. However he doesnt make any effort to meet. Which in turn makes it so I can only see my girlfriend for few hours a couple nights a week. She also still hasnt told her family about the fact were dating. I feel like a dirty secret and have to tip toe around meeting her or sending her gifts that may imply love. I want to be there for her and I understand this all new to her and him. I trust her completely but the fact im kept a secret and the fact i can only see her when she doesnt have her daughter bothers me. My son and her daughter get along great too and I would love to see them hangout more. Idk maybe im an asshole. I know I just need to give it time, which I will but I still feel like shit about.

If youve made it this far thank you for listening. I just needed to vent and hear what other people have to say who might have gone through something simliar.
 
@scarfacemcfan Finding fault with a third person for the boundaries in your current relationship is no different than betrayed spouses being angry with the person their partner cheated on. It's easier to blame someone else than accept that your partner is responsible for their decisions.

When someone starts off telling me about someone else's views about what happens in our relationship, I stop them right there. I'm not okay with them throwing others under the bus because they don't want to negotiate boundaries with that other person or they don't want to take responsibility for their boundaries.
 
@scarfacemcfan I am going to agree with someone else saying she isn’t done with the situation. If my ex made that stipulation and my ex didn’t make any effort to see my significant other I would tell him to pound salt.

If after 10 months this has not happened a conversation is in order. There are a lot of people out there who are simply not over their ex, or so guarded with their kids you will never be a blended family.

I dated a guy once who I messaged on a Monday. I got a text back 5 days later saying “sorry I had my kids and use a different phone when I have them cause I am on dating apps”.

The man had been divorced……five years. What in the f was he doing? I immediately proceeded to dump him. If after 5 years you cannot explain to your children you and your partner aren’t together and you are dating there is a huge red flag.

I met my current partners kids after about three months. He saw them every weekend, and in about three months he was comfortable enough where I was invited along to most meetings.
 
@st3p4n Thank you for your response I really appreciate it. In the beginning me and sometimes my son would hangout with her and her daughter. It was wonderful the kids got along great. It was wonderful to see how we all naturally along so well. It wasnt until the biodad started being a dick about it we pumped the brakes until him and I met. That was all the way back in June and here we are now in November still no meeting. I have zero interest in being "dad" as a father I understand and woulf never want to be replaced. I view a blended family as more love and support from more adults. I just want to support and love their kids as much as mine. I would just be insert real name not dad to them.
 
@st3p4n Its possible but the situation has some nuance to it. If you wouldnt mind could we pm? Im paranoid another player will see this hence the burner account.
 
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