Anyone on here who’s partner isn’t an abusive a-hole?

[ehuntington]

@vigilantrogue My first and only ex boyfriend was incredibly emotionally abusive, and what got me what out of that relationship was daydreaming about the kind of romantic relationship I wanted, and the kind of father I wanted my children to have. The more I visualized what I wanted the more I could see I was never going to get it from my ex so I left, and met my husband.

When I read posts on here and other parent subs it’s so triggering because it takes me back to that place, but I’m also so devastated that, that is anyone’s daily reality because it’s a horrific way to live.

My husband is more than anything I could have ever daydreamed about, honestly. We have 3 kids under 2 and as you can imagine it’s absolutely brutal but he’s the best teammate to have in all this. I’m so lucky to have him.

 

[debate507]

@vigilantrogue Us! My husband works, is very involved with our daughter, and is very understanding about chores being undone and stuff like that and also thinks it's important I take breaks. He knows how difficult things are mostly because he's a nice person but also because he works from home so he sees what we're up to all day

 

[egad61]

@vigilantrogue I'm not going to comment on the abuse thing, but I do see a lot of people who haven't navigated dividing parenting tasks well or don't communicate well (or at all) on this sub.

IMO, having kids is usually the toughest things couples have faced together. Your entire world changes, and suddenly you have a full-time 24/7 job in addition to everything else going on in your life.

I think new moms and new dads struggle with this change. Both my husband and I really struggled with the never having a break part of parenting for a long time. My husband was used to getting a full Saturday to himself to decompress after work. Now we had kids to take care of, and that's a tough pill to swallow.

Parenting is a constant negotiation with your partner, and as someone who's both worked full time and stayed at home with kids, I think it's harder in some ways as a SAHM. You have to define the boundaries of being a SAHP, communicate well, and find ways to take a break. This negotiation was easier for me when we both worked outside the home, because it felt like we were on an equal playing field.

I don't think even functional families feel functional all the time, but also not every partner is an a-hole. Make sure you can communicate well and you'll be fine.

 

[mem5]

@vigilantrogue It can be really overwhelming and depressing to see those posts, I totally get it. I recognize that those parents also need a space to talk about what's going on, so I don't begrudge them making those posts here at all, but it can be a lot. I think it's also hard for parents in good situations to like, post positive non-event stuff, because there's no real story there. No one really needs to "vent" about how great of a life they have, lol. So it creates a kind of skewed reality that isn't (I sincerely hope...) representative.

Okay, that out of the way, here's some feel-good stuff and I'm absolutely taking your invitation to rave about my husband a little bit (thank you!):

My husband is wonderful. We've been together for a loooong time and our son is a year old. Having a baby is always tough. Nothing really prepares you for it, no matter how ready you are. But having a baby during a global pandemic with no other support or family being able to come and help is on another level. I never once doubted our ability to get through it or our love for one another. I think the only time we had a serious conversation and I cried was when he went to get the rapid test shortly after our baby was born and I told him how scared I was that one of us would get sick. I couldn't stand the idea of losing either of them, or checking out early.

We alternate wakeups each morning, so one of us always gets to sleep in a little bit. Then we go for a walk together. If it's my morning to wake up, I'll put on a pot of coffee so my husband can take a to-go cup with us. We chat about bullshit (we've really settled into a lot of creative pursuits during the pandemic, so it's really nice to have that to talk about in addition to usual work bitching, lol).

My heart melts every time I see him with our son. LO has decided dad is just the coolest dude, so he's giving a lot of hugs (also teething and a little bit of a velcro baby at the moment, so lots of extra cuddles), loves snuggling up with him to read his FAVORITE book in the entire world (the one dad reads to him), and is SO excited when my husband comes home after running errands or steps out to take a break from work (very lucky to be WFH). Seeing them forging such a strong bond makes me so happy. My husband is such a great dad, and I'm so blessed to have him as a partner, and our son is so lucky to have him as a dad.

We've started doing a movie night on the weekends to just chill out and spend time together after LO has gone to bed. We watched Dune last weekend (amazing, btw, highly recommend), and he's already got ideas for what to watch this weekend. We're on a budget (obviously), and I've been managing the grocery budget / cooking in for most of our meals. My husband has no problem running out and picking up some takeout when I need a break from cooking, and it's such a great treat.

He's so supportive of my hobbies and interests. He listens and provides amazing feedback on my creative projects, and he's really started delving into his own creative stuff, so it's really fun to hear from him about his passions in that area and offer the same kind of feedback/sounding board he's been for me. We can bounce ideas off of each other and help each other kinda turn things up to eleven which is really cool.

We have a pretty standard division of labor when it comes to house work. I can knock a lot of stuff out during the day while he's working and LO is playing, and I prefer to do "a thing a day" instead of doing a big clean once a week. He'll take out trash/recycling, work to organize / declutter spaces, tracks household goods and knows where they are, help with mopping/vac on the weekends (I like to do a big floor clean once a week, and run the roomba daily).

He's attentive, he'll do stuff when he sees it unprompted (which I definitely notice and appreciate). We thank each other for little things and big things. We go out of our way to try and do little things for each other to make life a little bit easier.

If I can offer some unsolicited advice, it's this: be really upfront about expectations and needs. That was hard for me -- I'm a really independent person, so needing help was a weird thing to admit to myself and my husband. But no way can you have a baby and not need help. Pregnancy alone is hard enough. If you're the same or if you've got the whole "ask for help" thing on lock, just communicate. Talk about what's going well and what's working, and don't shy away from what's not. There's no time to waste, and the longer things fester, the harder it is to resolve them. There are gonna be hard days. You'll get snippy with each other (I think all couples do, no matter how great the relationship). If you can carve out time to reset and just be together (intimately or not), it helps tremendously. The pile of laundry that needs to be folded won't spoil. Snuggle up on the couch and be together for a little bit and check in with each other.

 

[sarra]

@vigilantrogue I don’t think people change too much, so if your partner is loving and supportive they will probably continue to be so. I am recently a SAHM as I took a career break (now pregnant with #3). Husband is very engaged with the kids and can take care of them with no input from me (ie I can leave the house without ‘preparing’ meals and activities for the kids etc). We both had SAHM mothers but I worked in an equal paying job as him up to recently and this change was something we decided together.
However, he’d still sometimes get frustrated when stuff wasn’t done (he does the cooking so I usually have the kitchen clean before). So we agreed on a ‘no nag’ rule - where if something isn’t done, just do it yourself. This only works when both partners want to support each other btw! If you see something that you expected to be done rather than nag your partner, you first check in with them to see how they are feeling. Most of the time stuff doesn’t get done as someone is just overwhelmed and needs support. Eg Some days I can’t do any chores as I have a sick toddler or whatever.
So overall you need to have good communication even with a loving and supportive partner as kids can be trying on the best of us!
It’s also good to talk about any resentment they may feel (eg they are working hard while you are having fun at home). I have worked in a stressful job and I can say that it was harder than raising kids! (FYI I have two great kids that are not much trouble, I know people with difficult kids or special needs may say otherwise!). So when the topic comes up with friends or family I am honest and say that minding my kids is much more fun and less stress than work and I plan to enjoy it while it lasts. It’s good to emphasise with your partner that you are both doing what you feel is best for the kids too.

 

[shession7]

@vigilantrogue I love my husband! He’s very supportive and helpful with our kid. Make it clear what you’re willing to put up with and what you won’t put up with. He does the same. Don’t take things for granted and don’t let him take you for granted.

 

[dnzundah]

@vigilantrogue My husband is great overall! He works hard to provide and does his best to be at kids activities or swap duties. He never cooks, but when I am gone, he is great at ordering pizza. I volunteer sometimes, go out with friends, am in a book group and he is completely supportive. We have 4 kids, so there is a lot going on and I would not be able to do it without him. Sure we have our disagreements and sometimes we feel like each other isn't pulling their weight, but we are a team.

 

[lisal]

@vigilantrogue My husband isn't abusive. We used to be very independent people before baby and I had to teach him how to help out with everything. He was a very typical guy and I had to make things clear over and over again. I also had to make it clear that we needed to spend time together and I'm out of bandwidth to be planning everything. He has gotten better, it's still a work in progress. We have long talks about once a month or once every 2 months and it helps us with through issues. It's been a years long process to get from where we were after baby was born to now.

I feel like since men just don't get it right away and I had to make it super clear all of what I was doing. I couldn't assume anything. It was very very frustrating. It's much better now, he helps a lot more and doesn't wait for me to ask.

 

[winning]

@vigilantrogue Most of the time - we are great Those moments where we aren’t great have nothing to do with being a a stay at home parent and are just moments of general discontent.

He is very supportive of me being home and has never once said a disparaging comment about it. He helps with the kids always. He seems to never see that the hamper is overflowing BUT he will always start to
Fold if it’s clean and in the basket in our room.

I will be honest though - the first six months after our first was born - our marriage suffered a lot. We were exhausted. We were in shock about how hard life was going to be with a newborn. We had no idea how much our lives were going to change. We were so used to going out to see a movie on a whim and that was gone.

 

[katrina2017]

@vigilantrogue I am also going to be a SAHM.
My fiancé is amazing. He told me to follow my heart and be happy. If i want to be home I can... if i want to work I can.
He believes no one will be able to look after our baby like I would. He supports me all the way.

He is just amazing. Now whilst pregnant and having a hard pregnancy, he does the house chores. No abuse from him. He is just the best.

 

[lchristianalisha]

@vigilantrogue My husband is a saint, and he inspires me every day to be kinder and more patient. Raising his voice, hitting, making sarcastic comments—these things never even occur to him. He experiences the world and our family through a lens of love and duty, with a dash of compassionate stoicism. He’s also into metal and horror and stuff but you can totally be cool without being a dick, you know?

 

[arkan]

@vigilantrogue My husband is fantastic in every way. He's an incredible partner, the best dad imaginable to our 2 year old, and I am thankful every moment of every day that he's mine.

As other people have said, people don't usually change that much. All the red flags are there before you have kids. If your husband is a good person (and a good person all the time, not just "when it's good it's great but when he's stressed it's bad," or "things are great when he doesn't drink," etc.), he's still going to be a good person once he's a father.

 

[cerenity77]

@vigilantrogue My husband and marriage are great. We're a team and while he's the breadwinner and I'm the SAHP he still helps out around the house because that's the nature of teamwork. Now that all the kids are old enough to be in school full time, we as a family have invested in me starting my own (real, not the mlm crap) small business. Right this very moment while I'm curled up on the couch with fluffy blanket he is cleaning up after our kitten who hasn't fully figured out how to use a litterbox, and then he's taking the kids to swim lessons. He even told me to stay home and relax.

The nature of parenting subs and groups is that there's a lot more negative stories becuase that's when people need support. The silent majority are in much better relationship situations. Is your husband a decent person? Are they awful to you? Having kids doesn't change someone's nature, but it is a major stress test and aspects of personality and behavior that only come out when he's exhausted will come out because parenting is exhausting.

 

[vigilantrogue]

@cerenity77 He’s the best person I know.