Anyone on here who’s partner isn’t an abusive a-hole?

[macdutton56]

@vigilantrogue I FEEL YOU. Rant incoming lol

WHY?

People are more likely to post when things are bad or they need help or they're frustrated. It becomes confirmation bias almost. For example, how often do you post when your husband is kind and amazing? Maybe you do, but generally - you don't need to! Your husband being kind and amazing is and should be the default. You don't need help with that or to ask questions or advice about it. It's just something that is. Just like you, when you're amazing to him. So it becomes confirmation bias in a way, with the bad husbands. They are naturally gonna be posted about more, because their wives need to be heard, need to vent, need assistance and advice.

STILL, WTF

That being said there ARE STILL way too many women with abusive husbands out there full stop. The posts are mind boggling. But for every post about an a-hole there's a loving husband out there too, not being posted about because no one needs to vent on his kind and supportive ass. I wish this was the case for everyone, but history and patriarchy still effect us so negatively.

I do wish the women on this sub could read their own posts sometimes and REALLY SEE what they are saying. You shouldn't have to negotiate caring for THEIR child, or his being kind to you, or spending time with the family. Any of these things not being present isn't good enough. We wouldn't get away with half of this shit (some women do, but it's less common)

THE BAR (needs to be waaaay higher)

Can you imagine if we had the babies, handed them to our husbands and then went to football games, did the bare (if that) minimum and essentially ghosted them in their own home after the biggest most important thing to ever happen to the family (a new baby)? IMAGINE if, right after they'd relinquished control over their body for 9 months, then spent a day with their balls being punched repetitively prior to expelling a human child from their pee hole, we had the audacity to pull that shit? The audacity to gaslight them for sex weeks after, when they weren't ready, whilst also refusing to do our part, clean or feed our own children? If you flip the roles it seems absurd. Because it is. Because it really truly is.

POSITIVE STUFF

My partner is an angel + labrador in human form. He almost carries the emotional labour for me, a sort of twist in gender roles. He's gorgeous, kind and looks after me like I look after him. I know that soulmate is a fairytale word, but I look at him and I see my everything. He's not a man, he's a human being. And the best kind of one at that. Of course he isn't without fault as a person, but when it comes to loving me and our family? He is flawless. Faults in other areas, value, drive and focus differences can always be discussed and compromised on. Caring for the one you love and doing MORE THAN the basic minimum for kids you brought into the world? NON. F*CKING. NEGOTIABLE. So help me god.

 

[paul234]

@macdutton56 This is where I'm getting with my marriage. He should be doing his share without me asking every single time. For example today I'm taking this kids to a baby shower. My husband was awake when my daughter woke up and on his phone. I wake up from her and he gets up to pee and I think oh wow okay he's going to get up with this kids because that's probably the fair thing. But nope. Unless I specifically ask him and explain why it's fair he thinks we agreed to him waking on Sundays and that's good enough (If he remembers)

 

[macdutton56]

@paul234 Totally. I'm so sorry. You must be tired, and over it. Like why do I have to convince you to look after your children? If I did the same you would call me neglectful? They wouldn't eat? You only get away with this because I am here.

Have you talked about it? It sounds like a constant cycle of negotiations What would happen if you went on strike when he was in the house? Would he step up? Or just rage out? Does he ever tell you how he feels and what's going on? Or just checks out? Sending huge huge internet hugs.

I should reiterate based on my comment, that although I wish a lot more women could 'see' that it's not just a 'husband thing' (it's literally a type of labour and emotional abuse) it's still not the woman's fault. In any way! Regardless of whether they are not seeing it, or if they do see it, they don't know how to change it / what to do, it's entirely the fault of the other party. The onus shouldn't be on the woman to both care for home and family, and do mental backflips to negotiate with and understand their partner.

Some men have depression, post partum anxiety, lack of motivation etc etc So I'm not having a go at men who struggle sometimes with parenting (everyone does). But the difference between men who struggle and men who are abusive is communication and insight. If you're communicating that you're struggling, trying to get help by seeing a therapist/friend and verbally explaining your needs, expectations and appreciations to your wife - it's a different story. But if you have any of these experiences and instead turn inward, and ignore the needs of your children and family? That's when you've tipped into abuse and neglect, really. Regardless of gender. The problem is society supports this behaviour by men, moreso than it does women, giving them a sort of societally backed green card to just be... totally shite people? It's not in any way a woman's fault for not having known he'd be like this (how the fuck can you) or not being able to fix it (we are not psychiatrists). It's the fault of the man for not being a better human being. See, how screwed up is that? Even when the man is being shit, we still ask, why does she let this happen, why did she have kids with him? Um... because society literally disempowers us from a young age, men can manipulate... the list goes on?? In these situations the conversation shouldn't be... why can't she leave, but instead, why can't he be better? Followed then by a discussion of whether it is possible to leave - based on the fact that no person deserves a partner like this.

Society also sets it up to make it really hard for women to just leave. There is little support, and our lives are often built around dual or sole income. But I've watched a friend leave - and I do believe it's better. Although she has to work a bit harder, to a degree, it's also easier? She doesn't have to negotiate with anyone to look after her kids, she wakes up free of the weight of his negativity and just .. lives her life. Single motherhood is no joke, but like a lot of women on this sub always say... you're already a single mother if you're parenting your husband too.

How many kids do you have? I hope you can get some reprieve and rest. And some good communication. And if not, a break from the bullshit.

 

[paul234]

@macdutton56 We have done couples therapy and he'd say if I'm stressed I should do less and stop being "supermom". He's also said I should do less for the kids and focus more on the marriage. He says he's stressed and deserves breaks too (I've never said he shouldn't I just said it's not fair he gets WAY more). But ya therapy just seem to empower him to say "I don't want to". Nothing was ever called out when he said he was uncomfortable taking our son out alone because he "doesnt listen" it's my son's fault in his head. Not the lack of trying or being present on HIS part. I've worked hard to improve my son's behaviour (he's 4 now) and he will take him out but not both.

If I left him with both kids he told me he'd have them watch tv all day. He'd likely just get them fast food. Etc he so has no patience for my son so he'd probably be yelled at a lot. In all honesty I worry my husband would behave worse to my son if I wasn't around.

Editing to add he only agreed to therapy when I refused to discuss with him why I won't be more affectionate and have sex more with him without one. Because every time he tried he said I was punishing him.

He tells me he's a good father because he does more than his dad. Says I spoil the kids by doing stuff with them.

 

[galacticcapybara]

@macdutton56 Yes to all of this!

 

[melanie2002]

@vigilantrogue My life is spectacular. I waited to have kids until I was certain I was in a healthy relationship with a partner who is truly caring, empathetic and on the same page as me regarding parenting and values. Having and raising a child with him has been wonderful, he's incredibly supportive, we are an incredible team, and our home is one without shouting and very little frustration, because I mean, a bit is normal. We share household responsibilities, my husband works full time during the school year, and I stay home to raise our kiddo who is now 2. You really should vet your partner before having a kid with them, the trouble is a lot of people don't.

 

[auskid]

@melanie2002 Same as this ^ I waited a very long time to have a child and to make sure it was with someone I not only just loved but who was empathetic, respectful, supportive and so on. I was lucky to find that man and like this person said, our life is spectacular. We are fortunate enough for me to be a SAHP. There are no fights in our home our shouting. (Except when we are singing) My husband knows how hard it is to do what I do and praises it for me constantly. We are both equals and have a lot of love in this home.

I too have read through some of these posts and literally, just the other day told my husband about Reddit and the parent groups I follow and how much sadness I read. And then within the same breath, thanked him for everything he is and told him how grateful I am to have someone like him.

It’s terrifying to read about how some of these women and men are treated by their partners. But what makes me even sadder is the children that have to witness that. I grew up in homes similar to ones I read about and all I can say is, it’s never to late to break the cycle.

Anyways, that’s my two cents.

 

[onlyhuman777]

@auskid I think a lot of people think of abuse as only physical. I've known people that have thought that infidelity or physical abuse were the worst things that could happen in a marriage, and I don't think that's true. Also, single moms are shit on by our society, while the useless, abusive men who put them in that situation are largely let off. Being a single mom isn't the worst thing, being divorced isn't the worst thing. It's like cultural gaslighting

 

[shession7]

@onlyhuman777 I saw “Maid” on Netflix. It’s a really good series that covers emotional abuse and how overlooked it is.

 

[auskid]

@onlyhuman777 Very true

 

[shession7]

@auskid Exact same reaction from me to my husband after I saw all the awful posts here! Really gives you insight.

 

[auskid]

@shession7 Yup.

 

[vigilantrogue]

@melanie2002 Vetting is incredibly important.

 

[paul234]

@melanie2002 Your tone at the end is kind of rude. I came from a toxic household. I THOUGHT I vetted my husband well but as I got older I realized that he wasn't helpful and was actively being like that and not just "forgetful". He's a lot better than my parents though. All this to say for a long time I thought that was as good as it gets for husband's basically. I was 20 when we started dating. Even when we started having kids I didn't know. It wasn't until I started therapy that it slowly started dawning on me that actually this isn't acceptable and it didn't need to be this way.

Also I has fertility issues by my second kid so if I waited I could have never had kids easily.

 

[lexmil]

@paul234 I hear that. Generational wealth is a real thing. People lucky enough to be born into well-functioning families gain that knowledge/skill as a matter of course. It’s not that simple for everyone, and I wish more “better off” people understood that.

 

[chucklez]

@vigilantrogue My time to shine lol I stay home with 2 toddler / preschool age kids. My partner works long days and even an extra day most weeks cause money, yaknow.

We do preschool activities, go for walks, watch tv, eat, play, etc. Mostly around the house we haven't been getting out much since covid.

Usually most days when he gets home in like dealing with the almost-bed-time-crankies so he'll pretty much take over however he can. About half of the time he'll do bedtime routine. Or at least "run them out" lol deal with their evening bursts of energy.

On his days off I get groceries and prepare a couple meals ahead of time so we have smooth work days. And we work together for bigger cleaning stuff like washing the bedding, picking up and vacuuming cause the kids have destroyed the whole house, etc.

Financially it was easiest to just get a credit card together so I always have what I need if / when we get out of the house. I also do moderate shopping of my own accord. Obviously any big purchases are discussed on BOTH of our ends. But day to day stuff like gas, food, a lil something for the serotonin demand, it's all good I don't ask for permission or for the physical money to do what I need.

I do hope your husband doesn't turn awful. I've seen it happen and you aren't wrong in your assessment, I know a lot of posts here are just ranting / looking for support but it still shines a light on how the sahp dynamic can be fucked in a lot of relationships. My advice on keeping it in line is having clear goals, boundaries, talk about it any time he says / does something that doesn't feel good. Don't let a single joke go unchecked or become normal to degrade you, withhold funds, etc.

 

[regularguy]

@vigilantrogue My husband is the best dad and partner. He works full time in a job that pays less but allows for a work life balance, is a loving and engaged dad, respects me and my time as a sahp. Our relationship is stronger now than it was before the kid. We regularly say to each other how much we love each other and our family.

It is possible. One of the things that helped the most was having a “it’s us against the baby” mindset during the newborn days. Good luck!

Edit to add a story: I went out of town last weekend to see some old friends. My husband texted me a few times while I was away just checking in. When I got back, he showed me every single text he had written out but didn’t send, he put them all in a note. There were tons lol. Some were just “this cool thing happened but you probably see this everyday with her” and others were “bathtime was a nightmare blah blah.” But he didn’t send these because he thought I deserved a break.

 

[string_theory]

@regularguy Wow, giving you that mental break was super thoughtful. Kudos to him!!

 

[esta25]

@vigilantrogue My husband is great! He's very supportive of this role and understands how important it is for our family. Parenting is hard and unfortunately it can crumble relationships and definitely make a person go a bit crazy!

 

[srbrandon]

@vigilantrogue My husband has been so supportive since our 13 month old arrived. Ive struggled with PPA/PPD and adjusting to being a SAHP since before she arrived I was very career focused. He works long hours but is super involved when home and does a lot of the house hold chores on the weekends. I think really most people here who post about their partners being abusive or not supportive were dealing with all these issues before kids came, its just that problems in relationships become much more amplified once you have a child and your mental/ financial/physical resources are stretched.