Anyone on here who’s partner isn’t an abusive a-hole?

[ehuntington]

@vigilantrogue My first and only ex boyfriend was incredibly emotionally abusive, and what got me what out of that relationship was daydreaming about the kind of romantic relationship I wanted, and the kind of father I wanted my children to have. The more I visualized what I wanted the more I could see I was never going to get it from my ex so I left, and met my husband.

When I read posts on here and other parent subs it’s so triggering because it takes me back to that place, but I’m also so devastated that, that is anyone’s daily reality because it’s a horrific way to live.

My husband is more than anything I could have ever daydreamed about, honestly. We have 3 kids under 2 and as you can imagine it’s absolutely brutal but he’s the best teammate to have in all this. I’m so lucky to have him.

 

[debate507]

@vigilantrogue Us! My husband works, is very involved with our daughter, and is very understanding about chores being undone and stuff like that and also thinks it's important I take breaks. He knows how difficult things are mostly because he's a nice person but also because he works from home so he sees what we're up to all day

 

[egad61]

@vigilantrogue I'm not going to comment on the abuse thing, but I do see a lot of people who haven't navigated dividing parenting tasks well or don't communicate well (or at all) on this sub.

IMO, having kids is usually the toughest things couples have faced together. Your entire world changes, and suddenly you have a full-time 24/7 job in addition to everything else going on in your life.

I think new moms and new dads struggle with this change. Both my husband and I really struggled with the never having a break part of parenting for a long time. My husband was used to getting a full Saturday to himself to decompress after work. Now we had kids to take care of, and that's a tough pill to swallow.

Parenting is a constant negotiation with your partner, and as someone who's both worked full time and stayed at home with kids, I think it's harder in some ways as a SAHM. You have to define the boundaries of being a SAHP, communicate well, and find ways to take a break. This negotiation was easier for me when we both worked outside the home, because it felt like we were on an equal playing field.

I don't think even functional families feel functional all the time, but also not every partner is an a-hole. Make sure you can communicate well and you'll be fine.

 

[mem5]

@vigilantrogue It can be really overwhelming and depressing to see those posts, I totally get it. I recognize that those parents also need a space to talk about what's going on, so I don't begrudge them making those posts here at all, but it can be a lot. I think it's also hard for parents in good situations to like, post positive non-event stuff, because there's no real story there. No one really needs to "vent" about how great of a life they have, lol. So it creates a kind of skewed reality that isn't (I sincerely hope...) representative.

Okay, that out of the way, here's some feel-good stuff and I'm absolutely taking your invitation to rave about my husband a little bit (thank you!):

My husband is wonderful. We've been together for a loooong time and our son is a year old. Having a baby is always tough. Nothing really prepares you for it, no matter how ready you are. But having a baby during a global pandemic with no other support or family being able to come and help is on another level. I never once doubted our ability to get through it or our love for one another. I think the only time we had a serious conversation and I cried was when he went to get the rapid test shortly after our baby was born and I told him how scared I was that one of us would get sick. I couldn't stand the idea of losing either of them, or checking out early.

We alternate wakeups each morning, so one of us always gets to sleep in a little bit. Then we go for a walk together. If it's my morning to wake up, I'll put on a pot of coffee so my husband can take a to-go cup with us. We chat about bullshit (we've really settled into a lot of creative pursuits during the pandemic, so it's really nice to have that to talk about in addition to usual work bitching, lol).

My heart melts every time I see him with our son. LO has decided dad is just the coolest dude, so he's giving a lot of hugs (also teething and a little bit of a velcro baby at the moment, so lots of extra cuddles), loves snuggling up with him to read his FAVORITE book in the entire world (the one dad reads to him), and is SO excited when my husband comes home after running errands or steps out to take a break from work (very lucky to be WFH). Seeing them forging such a strong bond makes me so happy. My husband is such a great dad, and I'm so blessed to have him as a partner, and our son is so lucky to have him as a dad.

We've started doing a movie night on the weekends to just chill out and spend time together after LO has gone to bed. We watched Dune last weekend (amazing, btw, highly recommend), and he's already got ideas for what to watch this weekend. We're on a budget (obviously), and I've been managing the grocery budget / cooking in for most of our meals. My husband has no problem running out and picking up some takeout when I need a break from cooking, and it's such a great treat.

He's so supportive of my hobbies and interests. He listens and provides amazing feedback on my creative projects, and he's really started delving into his own creative stuff, so it's really fun to hear from him about his passions in that area and offer the same kind of feedback/sounding board he's been for me. We can bounce ideas off of each other and help each other kinda turn things up to eleven which is really cool.

We have a pretty standard division of labor when it comes to house work. I can knock a lot of stuff out during the day while he's working and LO is playing, and I prefer to do "a thing a day" instead of doing a big clean once a week. He'll take out trash/recycling, work to organize / declutter spaces, tracks household goods and knows where they are, help with mopping/vac on the weekends (I like to do a big floor clean once a week, and run the roomba daily).

He's attentive, he'll do stuff when he sees it unprompted (which I definitely notice and appreciate). We thank each other for little things and big things. We go out of our way to try and do little things for each other to make life a little bit easier.

If I can offer some unsolicited advice, it's this: be really upfront about expectations and needs. That was hard for me -- I'm a really independent person, so needing help was a weird thing to admit to myself and my husband. But no way can you have a baby and not need help. Pregnancy alone is hard enough. If you're the same or if you've got the whole "ask for help" thing on lock, just communicate. Talk about what's going well and what's working, and don't shy away from what's not. There's no time to waste, and the longer things fester, the harder it is to resolve them. There are gonna be hard days. You'll get snippy with each other (I think all couples do, no matter how great the relationship). If you can carve out time to reset and just be together (intimately or not), it helps tremendously. The pile of laundry that needs to be folded won't spoil. Snuggle up on the couch and be together for a little bit and check in with each other.