Anyone on here who’s partner isn’t an abusive a-hole?

[katrina2017]

@vigilantrogue I became a SAHM when LO was 9 going on 10 months. My husband has been great thus far. He even does most of the cooking because I’m “dealing with the LO all day” he would say.

 

[onlyhuman777]

@vigilantrogue My husband is great and not abusive or an a-hole. He's not perfect, but he's wonderful lol. If he became abusive, I'd leave in a heartbeat and he knows that (not that he ever would). I think people in general need to let go of relationships when they're toxic instead of holding on. If abusers thought your staying was contingent on their good behavior, they wouldn't abuse you.

 

[western123]

@vigilantrogue My hubs is awesome. When baby first came it was hard on both of us and took some adjustment. It took us some time and good communication, but he’s seriously the best dad and partner I could ask for…and hey, I’m not perfect either. We love each other relentlessly despite our flaws. We have both grown as individuals and parents and definitely as a couple since our dude came into our lives.
I think many new moms feel alienated after having a baby and the people of Reddit become their outlet because they know there are others in the same boat that they can rant to at 3 am. Like others have said though, it’s really just a brief snapshot of their relationship: take it with a grain of salt.

 

[pavalg]

@vigilantrogue Don't worry. I have an awful and abusive wife.

 

[englishreformed]

@vigilantrogue My husband isn't perfect, but he's 100% supportive of me being at home (we both agreed on it while we were still dating). He's great with the kids, and while he doesn't pick up on what needs to be done in terms of housework etc., if I tell him I'm overwhelmed he pitches in more than what our normal division of labour.

 

[shasikatesl]

@vigilantrogue Those of us with good partners have fewer reasons to post. I wouldn’t expect your husband to suddenly turn into a different person out of nowhere.

I was primarily a housewife before our baby was born. It worked great for us. My husband is amazing, works hard at his job, pitches in at home (and even happily took over some of my home responsibilities when I was sick in the first trimester and now that I’m still only a month postpartum and nursing the baby takes up a ton of my time). We make a great team of him mostly bringing the income and me mostly doing the domestic work. We respect and appreciate each other’s contributions to our family and try to make sure we both get equal leisure time.

 

[david652020]

@vigilantrogue My husband never complains about money. He helps out with the kids and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. He doesn’t do a ton of housework but he does the majority of the grocery shopping and cook a lot. Making it work is boring!! Those posts will never make it to the top.

 

[simondarok]

@vigilantrogue I’m sitting on the couch holding my sleeping baby while my husband does dishes and listens to his podcast.
He is an amazing husband and dad and does more than his fair share.

There’s a lot of shit men out there! I married a good one and hope to raise one too

 

[gussiegrl40]

@vigilantrogue In my experience, good people don’t turn awful. Bad people can hide their badness, but it still tends to seep out at the edges. If your husband is a good man now, he will probably stay that way.

 

[jme3751]

@vigilantrogue In the evenings, my husband will offer to bring me a snack. When I say that I can get it, he says "You've been taking care of our daughter all day, let me get something for you." When I'm breast feeding, he will often come over with my water glass and a straw to give me a drink (something that started when we were in the hospital and he's continued to do since; he says it helps him feel helpful since he can't help with actually feeding her yet).

These sound like small things, and he does good big things, too. But these moments always stick out to me to show that I really did find the right partner to share life with.

 

[alymg]

@vigilantrogue My husband takes pride in providing, supporting, and spoiling me.

It would be weird for me to post about that.

I think this sub is 95% posts about struggles, so the standard healthy marriage and family isn’t going to be as visible.

If your husband is a loving and supportive man before you have kids, then he most likely will remain so.

If the relationship has always even rocky, throwing a baby in the mix will make things worse.

 

[prayerrequester99]

@vigilantrogue I was thinking the same thing! Thank God you asked this question because there are truly good spouses out there who understand each other and are supportive.

Also there are so many posts here where people feel guilty for being SAHPs and I understand that it's because of some weird societal expectation in certain cultures/countries.

I was raised and born in the US but in my family's culture and where we come from, women are highly encouraged to stay at home and there's no "guilt" that you have to carry across your shoulders because you aren't bringing an income. When my husband comes home, the house might be a mess, with no dinner ready, and me just doing what I can while I'm chasing after our son, and no matter what, he greets us with a smile, kiss, and a hug. He is happy to provide for us and I am happy to raise our child while doing some chores. On the weekends we split duties, and there is never an attitude or abuse. We are a team and we agreed to be parents together.

 

[stevenglo]

@vigilantrogue My husband and I never wanted kids, until I changed my mind. It took him a long time to come around, and I knew he would be a good father, but I didn’t know he would be a freaking amazing one. That man attended a breastfeeding class with me during pregnancy, memorized all the holds and all the information and reassured me and had tips when it was hard, and was my biggest cheerleader and supporter through two and a half years of breastfeeding. When she was a newborn, if I wasn’t doing skin-to-skin, he was. It was important to him to facilitate a bond early, and boy did he ever! When our daughter was three weeks old and I was exhausted from not sleeping for more than two hours uninterrupted, he ordered me to take a nap, gave our daughter her first bottle, and let me sleep for hours. When she was four months old and I was struggling with anxiety and depression (from lack of sleep), he moved her from our room to her nursery and camped out on the floor next to her, got her up when she woke, brought her to me, waited while she nursed, changed her diaper and put her back to bed. For two months. When at age three she was still waking up every morning at 4:30/5am, he started getting up with her in the mornings so I wasn’t a zombie all day. (He doesn’t need as much sleep as I do - something we’ve talked about extensively and I am always willing to step in when he needs a sleep.) While I am a sahm and do all the cleaning and kid-chauffeuring, he cooks dinner most nights. He’s been to almost every doctor’s appointment, conference, and other event she participates in. He carries her on his shoulders everywhere we go even though she is six and all legs and elbows. He is affectionate and caring and loves spending time with our girl. We have a family dynamic that I love - chill, fun, and loving. He encourages me and is the best partner I could ask for, and I would not do life with anyone else.

Edited to add more stuff.

 

[aok123]

@vigilantrogue My spouse rules! He helps with laundry and cleaning, cooks often (and really well), does bath time and bedtime routines. He's basically devoid of toxic masculinity, he's hot, funny, handy, supportive, a good listener, and amazing in bed. My literal only complaint is he takes for-fucking-ever to finish a project (but he works full time outside the home so I get that).

To be fair, I did have my share of abusive partners before him so I made sure to make a better choice this time, lmao

Edited to say: by "make a better choice" I don't mean to imply that abuse is ever the fault of the victim! My spouse and I have been close friends for most of our relationship, and we try to keep that vibe going.

 

[shaninator]

@vigilantrogue My husband is amazing. He works a very demanding job and sometimes works 6 days per week. But he takes our daughter every night (now that she’s night weaned) so that I can get uninterrupted sleep. He is very involved with her and spends lots of quality time with her. He doesn’t expect me to do anything other than keep her alive during the day, and appreciates all that I do above and beyond that. Is his patience shorter now that he’s a parent? Yes. Is mine? Definitely. We aren’t perfect people, but we both try our hardest and make our needs known. Communication is so important. You cannot expect someone to meet your needs if they don’t know what they are.

 

[cjljesus]

@vigilantrogue My husband seems perfect to me. We have 3 kids. 6, 5, and 15 months. He's in with the baby right now getting her to sleep while I sip a cocktail on this rare occasion I feel like drinking. I'll take night duty so this is my break. We give each other time every week to go pursue hobbies. I wake up at 6 every morning to get the kids ready for school. He wakes up with the kids on the weekend. He is not good at housework by any means, but I'm so happy he tries. He's a great dad. He plays with our kids and he's definitely the source of love and warmth in our home. I'm more of the structure. I like taking the kids out and getting them fresh air and exercise. He enjoys more of the pretend play. He's a wonderful husband too. There have been many periods where I have not been "in the mood" and he'll talk to me about it. No criticism or guilting. We both work on ourselves and our relationship. We have had one single argument the 9 years we've been together. We've had plenty of disagreements, but generally there is no anger and there's certainly no finger pointing. I am such a lucky lady. If I don't get the house clean or make him coffee, he isn't concerned. He trusts me and knows first hand how hard it can be to take care of it all. In any case, I usually don't post because I don't want to seem like some asshole with a fairytale life. I just got incredibly lucky to find someone like him.

 

[waterfall123]

@vigilantrogue My husband is absolutely amazing. When he is home he does more than his fair share of child care, cooking, and cleaning. Insists i have alone time and go back to sleep while he takes care of the baby / babies (we have 8 mo twins and a 3.5 yr old). If i buy something he doesn't give me a hard time unless its a 20 count box of spicy ramen noodles because that's weird
He works 10 days in a row before he gets a day off, too. So he's a super hero to us

 

[lisac]

@vigilantrogue I think it’s also about growth. Becoming a stay at home mom means you and your partner both have to grow into the new role. My husband is awesome and he works 50+ hours a week and he knows good and well that our kid can wear a human smooth out. He tries to support where he can.
I do feel like the adjustment period was hard for both of us. It took a lot of communicating our needs and being sleep deprived and maybe a little crying to get to where we are. My husband isn’t perfect and neither am I, but we are both trying. If anything, being a parent and supporting your spouse is going to be a change

 

[blessed020692]

@vigilantrogue I was having a tough day today & so my husband set up a “spa” during LO’s nap time. He got out my foot spa and filled it with water so it was warm and bubbling when I came down from getting LO down. He made me lunch, brought me a tea, let me eat and relax in peace while I watched a show, and then when I was all done he cleaned everything up. It totally turned my day around!

 

[cindytx]

@vigilantrogue When I got pregnant with our 2nd, I was sick my entire pregnancy and debilitating pubic bone pain. My wonderful husband picked up ALL the slack at home without batting an eye. When the baby came, I had ppd and he continued to do SO much - supporting me fully along the way.