Anyone on here who’s partner isn’t an abusive a-hole?

@vigilantrogue To be honest, I think there is a risk of abuse in all relationships for various reasons. One of those reasons is when the partner with the job, starts to believe that he (or she) is the only one providing support for the household. I have to keep pointing out to my husband that we save money because I provide childcare, I do home repairs, I cook and clean, I run errands and it would cost a lot of money for him to pay someone to do all the things that I do every day.

Sometimes kids pick up on the attitudes of society about SAHMs. This woman I know, had her teenage son tell her "you don't work so you don't get to make any decisions in this family." So she punished him by not buying him the new car he wanted and told him to save money to buy it himself.

There are times we have to force people to respect us.

I haven't watched TV in years. I rarely read books anymore. I just spend a lot of time doing stuff for the family.
 
@vigilantrogue I MOSTLY stayed as home (worked part time from home providing a virtual service through an LLC,as a 1099 contractor).

My husband is a damned saint.​


Kids are out of the house now, as of Sept., when the last one went to college. I like him even more now that I have more time to like him.
 
@vigilantrogue My husband is wonderful and of course we can both always be doing more but I try and appreciate what he does, with that mindset it really helps, rather than being nitpicky or focusing on what he doesn't do, or doesn't do well. It's been an exercise for me in recognizing his efforts and managing my expectations.

Abuse is a deal breaker and should be for you. But also, you need to have a plan if something goes wrong, ideally before you have kids. If your partner dies or becomes sick or permanently disabled, you need to be able to support your family. If he becomes abusive you need to be able to leave without thinking twice. Basically anything can happen and obviously you want to make sure you pick a good partner but also if you have kids you need to be prepared to raise them alone, bc there's no guarantees in life.

Communication is key and you guys will do great if you already have a strong foundation and commitment to each other. Congratulations!
 
@vigilantrogue Abuse is about power and control. Assuming you’ve been with your partner for a while you will likely have seen signs of that. Things that are easy to brush aside or excuse, thinking maybe you took it wrong or misunderstood or it was just a bed day, etc. But if you have any doubt about your partner based on his behavior or your communication/conflict skills, I HIGHLY recommend couples counseling before baby comes. If he is unwilling to join you in that, that is a red flag because frankly every human and relationship can benefit from good counseling. When baby comes, the tiredness, stress, and more attn going to baby than him can aggravate and increase instances of abuse. Staying home also further shifts the power dynamic and can increase abuse as it feeds into their need for power and now they are the sole-earner.

As for me, I grew up in an abusive home. I entered into a variety of abusive relationships. I recognized signs of abuse early and those relationships were short-lived, but I kept picking them. Eventually I “met” my husband, we had been good friends years earlier but he moved and we lost touch. I knew him, his values, his bad parts and he knew mine, but we still had problems because I had untreated PTSD and no conflict skills whereas he enjoyed conflict. Eventually I received counseling which diagnosed and treated my PTSD, then he joined me in couples counseling and it completely changed our relationship. He is loving and supportive toward me and our kids. As long as we are both honest about our needs, the other tries to meet them. It’s been difficult as he works full time an hour away, has been in school for mechanical engineering, and I have been getting my masters. I.e. we both need more time than is available. But after Christmas we will both be done with school with two new degrees and a healthy and happy 3yo and 18mo. We had to put our dog down this week who I had since college. I’ve taken it hard so he worked from home the whole week to help in any and every way he can while I sorted through depression and grief. He worked late at night after we all went to bed to get his work done. This morning he let me sleep in and took care of the kids and is now taking them to lunch so I can shower and work on school. He is not perfect, and either am I. But I would choose him again in a heartbeat. We waited to have kids based my upbringing, I knew I had things to work through and that we needed to fix our communication before bringing kids into the equation. So I did and we did, and we are a bit older than most of our friends were with having kids but it was absolutely right for us because we also have one of the healthiest marriages and families out of our friends.
 
@vigilantrogue I am a SAHM for 4 years. At the moment, I do not bring in any income. My husband is insistent that our lives are a collective project - all income is OURS. All responsibilities are OURS. We figure out together how to make those things work per each person's abilities, energy, strengths, etc. My retirement funds get as much as his. I do what I can to save money for the household.

I'm going through some health issues - he stepped in and is doing more of the stuff I used to handle. When I see him getting burned out, I figure out how to give him more time to do what he wants.

There is no chore he hasn't done. There is no cleaning or laundry or chore he has EVER criticized my handling (or not....haha) and he has never, ever, ever complained if I ask him to jump in. If he sees the kitchen isn't clean...guess what. He cleans it. If he sees I'm stressed bc laundry just isn't getting done, WE figure out how to reorganize to make it happen.

I'm not crazy about being a SAHP but I love my life and I love my husband because he is the ultimate example of a teammate and partner. He's annoying and frustrating at time but so am I. It takes a lot of patience and open, comfortable communication but it's certainly possible.

I have a suspicion that anyone whose husband is a huge asshole now that they have kids was actually a huge asshole before but the stress of kids magnifies it. Just IMO.
 
@vigilantrogue My husband has always been a great man. Neither of us are perfect. But he does helps out with our 2 daughters. He even cooks meals some weekends. If not we get takeout. We both realize how hard each other works. Me as the SAHP and him the working one.
 
@vigilantrogue I mean the first year was really tough with our son, but we settled down into a nice routine. It took me going out of town for two days and leaving my husband with our son for him to get how hard it is to take care of the baby all day (that wasn’t the point of the trip just a by product).

Anyway he now says my job is way harder than his. We have a 3.5 and a 1.5 year old boys.
 
@vigilantrogue My husband is a lovely father and a lovely husband. He truly tried his best. The truth of the matter is though, if you are the child bearing parent most of the physical responsibility lies on you. Especially as a stay at home parent. Unfortunately, that’s just how it is for a multitude of reasons.

For the first few months it’s important to keep in mind that you will take care of baby and if all goes well he will take care of you. It really is called the 4th trimester for a reason.
If you plan to bottle feed, that will take some of the weight off of you.

My husband works and I’ve been home with my now 14 month old since she was two weeks old. Thankfully my husbands schedule is flexible and he doesn’t work long hours. So he has the energy to jump right in when he gets home. But especially that first year of life I was annoyed with him constantly. To no fault of anyones. He wasn’t actually being annoying. We were both exhausted and frustrated.

My advice to you is to communicate what you need and when you need it. Allocate duties and chores. And work in shifts from time to time.
Also confide in your husband. Feel like your drowning? Ask for a listening ear. Exhausted? Anxious? Talk to him about it.

Chance are that will help him to be more empathetic with you if you happen to snap or seem out of sorts (because you probably will). Hormones and exhaustion are a hell of a combo.

This is not a job for the faint of heart. But you can do it. If your husband isn’t giving you what you need, tell him. Good luck!
 
@vigilantrogue I have stayed home since 2011, I have for the most part taken care of all things to do with the home. My husband pays all the bills and takes care of anything that comes up unexpectedly. He provides a budget to me that I decide how to use. I won’t say my relationship is perfect because none are. We work hard at our marriage. My children are 5 and 6 and I am able to homeschool (they will be going to regular school next year) and give them an amazing life with their mom at home for them. I am very fortunate to be able to give them this.
 
@vigilantrogue Im one of those lucky women who has a loving husband at home. He works, full time. I watch kids fulltime. He cooks and cleans and so do i. I run my own Etsy store and I'm stupid proud of it. He makes me feel like superwoman. He has patience for my fragile mental state (PTSD) (Autism) he listens and learns, he plays with the children when I need a shower or any me break. He pays for all of our bills and my medicines with his income and I spend mine on whatever I like. Often thats him but, can you blame me? Hes incredible. If yours isnt im sorry but please know he grew into this massive oak tree from just an acorn. A skinny, longboarding acorn. Yours, if you can manage (and some seeds never grow they just rot in the soil) might just grow too. It takes more love and less dirt than youd imagine, but about the same amounts of water!
 
@vigilantrogue We started our own business right when Covid hit and our babe was born. My husband was working 2 jobs but still took the baby in the mornings so I could sleep in. He would hold bub while working on the computer and fielding calls. He made sure I was fed, hydrated and could shower every day for those first few difficult weeks.

He brings me home treats and thanks me for doing such a good job with our son. He wants me to stay home as long as I want but is okay if I want to work a bit. He bought me an elliptical so I could regain my strength and makes sure I have 15-30 min in the morning to use it.
 
@vigilantrogue My husband is an amazing partner. We have great communication and even when we have mishaps, we’re able to talk it out and grow from the experience. We make each other very happy. He respects me, the work I do and appreciate me. We support each other in our hobbies and any time we need alone. He understands how stressful being a sahp is, and is always understanding of when I got get a lot done.

We’ve been together almost 10 years, married for 7 and parents for almost 5 years. We’ve had ups and downs, but I feel like the downs were more growing pains than actual downs.
 
@vigilantrogue No abusive a-hole here! Yes, there are challenges and annoyances (like with any relationship) but we both value what each of us does for our family. And he doesn't get pissed off if the house isn't clean. That's a big one for me.
 
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