Am I overreacting to my non-mom friends saying “just pump!” ?

@ckatiejo I totally get why you are annoyed. Pumping sucks. It especially sucks if it's not part of your usual routine. This is my second baby, but with my first that would have meant hauling my pump home from work and setting it up who knows where. It means washing pump parts. It means a plan for keeping everything cold. And if you have to pump twice?! She has no idea what she is asking.

But I also see her point of view. We have a dog too. If I was going to be gone too long, I'd have to hire a dog sitter. That costs $35 to take her out once and for a quick walk. We have a regular one, but if I'm asking two days in advance they might not be available. My parents could probably watch her, but they are an hour away, so I'd either have to inconvenience them for two hours plus the time to take her out of drive potentially four hours to drop her off and pick her up.

If I had to pick pumping or making less minute arrangements for my dog, I'd PROBABLY pick pumping...but it depends if I knew I'd have a decent place to pump and I wouldn't have to haul everything around. In either situation, I might just chose to bail.

Is there a middle option? Like could you do half one and half the other, somewhere in the middle (where you could run home and feed and she could take the dog out,) or something else?
 
@ckatiejo I think bc she is a non mom her suggestion to pump doesn’t seem offensive to me. From her perspective it’s something you do often and legitimately doesn’t know/understand the hassle and drawbacks of it. I wouldn’t be upset, just be honest and let her know that it’s actually not best for you or baby to pump and that you do it for work out of absolute pure necessity. If she ever has children and decides to breastfeed she will eventually understand (and probably be horrified she ever suggested it so flippantly lol).

She could easily have been the person to arrive late to the get together (or get a dog sitter) as opposed to you, instead of saying it “had” to be at her place, so that sucks …. But dogs have real needs, it is neglect and abusive to leave a dog without being able to relieve itself all day, so you both had legitimate reasons for wanting to do it at your own place. It’s pretty harsh to scoff at her for being a responsible dog owner especially when she doesn’t actually understand why pumping sucks. I could be wrong, but I don’t think she was trying to say her dog was more important than your baby she just thought you had another option.
 
@ckatiejo Your friend doesn’t get it and that’s okay. What’s more important is that you have the confidence to do what’s best for your body and your baby. You shouldn’t feel pressured to pump by someone who has never pumped before and by that very same logic, try not to be offended by it either.
 
@ckatiejo No one understands unless they are going or recently have gone through it. Even I imagine I’ll forget truly how hard it was one day.

I also have dogs, and if I didn’t have anyone to let them out I might understand, especially if you didn’t live close. I have particularly difficult dogs where I cannot just hire someone from Rover and call it a day though!
 
@ckatiejo I mean, even if you are being petty because “she told you to do it so now you don’t want to”, I still feel why you don’t want to lol. So it might be petty but it’s also your choice.

If you take all that away and look at what’s happening; you get to hang with friends before the concert if you pump ahead of time vs skipping hanging with them and just meeting them at the concert. What does your gut say, now that you know the gathering will be held at your friends house and not yours?

That’s how I would probably make the decision, but it’s always different when you’re actually going through it. Of course it’s annoying as fuck that she said that.
 
@ckatiejo Yeah I get your feeling. Just think about what you are willing to do to have fun that evening. Even if it's not going to hang out. Don't make the decision theirs, make it yours so you will feel better.

I never wanted to pump if I didn't really need to because it didn't work well for me and was hurtful later on the day because not everything got out. My in-laws wanted kid to sleep over but I wouldn't until he was much older mainly because of this. Even people with kids can sometimes don't get what it is for you because all experiences are different (co-workers didn't understand I needed more times then them pumping for example).

Have fun at the concert 😉
 
@ckatiejo There have been times recently where I’ve wanted to respond to my non-mom friends that I hope when they are a new mom their friends give them a little more grace and understanding than they are giving me. Motherhood is isolating for me. Breastfeeding makes it even more isolating. Even if I do pump with my wearables, they are heavy and uncomfortable. Then I have to lug all my supplies around and find a relatively clean enough space so I can store the milk. Then I’m worried about making sure it is cool enough and therefore don’t want to be out all day long. They don’t see the logistics behind it. They don’t see the anxiety behind it. They don’t see the isolation of it. They don’t see the embarrassment when you’re in a public restroom trying to pour milk into a bag and clean your pump parts because that’s the only relatively private place you have access to.

They just don’t understand and I ask that you build the courage to tell them kindly how stressful it is to “just pump” and that you wish when they are a new mom that they have friends that are understanding.
 
@ckatiejo There isn’t an alternative to a dog being let out unless they pay a dog sitter.

Pumping is the logical solution. I hate dogs (pets in general) but I would understand this.
 
@xjosa I agree with this.

ETA:
Dogs can't just left for hours on end from a bathroom stand point, unless maybe they're little dogs that pee inside on mats or something (I have never trained a dog to potty inside so I'm ignorant to that point).

I have a dog and a 6 month old, so I can feel this from both sides.

I wonder if the dog owner can come over and then swing home to take care of potty business on the way to venue.

There has to be some medium ground. It would be terrible for this to ruin what should be a fun time or cause tension in the group.

Mom shouldn't be the only who has to compromise.
 
@xjosa Yeah you’re right her dog definitely trumps another person’s newborn baby lmao.

Edit: this definitely is trumping because she invited everyone to her house to hang out. Friend #2 should’ve just said she can’t go instead of re-inviting everyone to her house because now OP is going to not be able to go. Literally anybody in the universe could let that dog out.
 
@ckatiejo Mom of two weeks here and I just don’t think they understand. Before breastfeeding I had ZERO clue how hard it was to breastfeed and what it was like to pump. Even as a pregnant woman, no clue.

If you don’t want to go earlier though, don’t. You get to prioritize what’s important to you and it sounds like you want to feed your child directly. That’s okay. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it’s just what you find most important. Your friends have different priorities too and that’s okay too.
 
@ckatiejo I would absolutely feel the same way you do. Pumping isn’t as easy as everyone thinks it is. And where would you put the milk? Your friend can ask someone to let her dog out, that is much much more reasonable than asking you to pump. I drove back from a wedding at 2am once just to avoid more pumping than I had to (granted I was also a low producer)
 
@ckatiejo When u are still friends with ppl that dont have kids you have three choices: 1. suffer and one day they will hopefully remember and appreciate what you did for them 2. Phase them out and find new friends that are moms 3. Stand up for yourself and dont let yourself suffer (usually followed by #2)
 
@ckatiejo Definitely not in the wrong. I would feel the exact same. And I’d probably end up saying to her.
“ I’m not willing to pump more than once, I’ll meet you at the concert”
 
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