@mikeysavedbygrace I never found it that easy to have someone come and let the dog out. I paid a dog walker to come every day but evenings and weekends meant paying them even more to take the dog overnight. I had a couple friends who would look after my dog but they often wanted me to bring the dog to them. So what I’m saying is it’s just as difficult as making arrangements for a baby, sometimes more so.
@onna Same lol. I’d skip the hangout before the concert and simply tell them you wanna maximize time with your little one before leaving. No explanation needed.
@ckatiejo I get your frustration. This is just one of those IYKYK situations. Non-parent friends don't understand baby life. It's not on purpose. I have found being firm but fair with boundaries helps. And at the end of the day I say no to things I used to say yes to. It's my choice to have a baby and their choice to have the commitments they have. Sometimes it conflicts.
@ckatiejo I agree with you. BUT, keep in mind that your friend has no clue about breastfeeding and babies. It’s just the reality of things at the moment. You can’t expect her to change her mind about nursing right now imo.
@ckatiejo The dog situation aside, I can see why a person without kids would suggest that. To them, they’re asking if you can do what you normally do when working. I don’t read any ill intent with it and they just aren’t aware of what that means to you. I don’t see it as her (and the dog) taking your choice away either. It’s just a decision one of you will have to make and which one will it be kind of thing. Maybe this time she hosts and next time you host? Or vice versa.
@ckatiejo My go to thought is "would I have said this before I got pregnant or had my baby?" The answer is usually yes. And that's a good sign that a friend just doesn't know what's up because she hasn't gone through these experiences. It's okay to feel annoyed but you may also need to say to her that where you and your baby are in this journey doesn't make it easy to leave her that long on the weekend.
@ckatiejo I don't think it's reasonable to assume your friends know the intricate preference you have with nursing/pumping. So taking offense at the suggestion is a bit much (in so far as, confronting her as if she was offensive. Venting loudly behind closed door is fine! Get it out!).
But taking in the intricate preference as a deciding factor is reasonable.
"I have to pump to work, but I try and avoid losing out on the skin to skin contact and other bonding that direct feeding provides, whenever I can. Especially BECAUSE I am forced to pump to work." Or whatever.
I don't understand the logistics of the entire plan to really judge who is being the most reasonable vs alternate solutions.
If you have to pump at your friends house, that adds complications of what to do with the milk. Try and keep it on ice for the entire event or store at her house and have to pick it up later or dump it. Is the friend bringing the dog to your house an option?
@katiebug28 I agree with this. I personally have no preference and don’t mind pumping, so I wouldn’t be offended at this suggestion. OP’s friends may not expect her to have such a strong preference towards nursing.
@ckatiejo Does your friend have another option to let their dog out?
You aren’t sacrificing missing multiple breastfeeding sessions for a dog but for your friend.
I think being offended they asked you to pump is reaching a bit, but they also shouldn’t be offended if you choose to not hang out beforehand if it’s not at your house
@ckatiejo Hahaha no you’re not overreacting. I’m petty but I’d say “can’t you just leave the dog like when you go to work?” I’m all for making memories, but making yourself miserable isn’t worth a few extra hours before what’s already going to be a long fun night together. I’d go at 4 and not apologize honestly.
@ckatiejo I personally wouldn’t make friends work around my feeding schedule so I don’t have to pump since it’s a preference and not a necessity. On the other hand, I also wouldn’t make people come to my house so I don’t leave my dog alone. I would skip out on meeting up prior to the concert to take care of my feeding/pumping schedule. It’s too stressful to accommodate others in this phase.
@ckatiejo Maybe they don’t want to hang out at your house or have you bring baby because… baby? Like you said it will be around nap time so I don’t imagine it would be a ton of fun for your friends who are trying to have a good time before the concert. The dog is probably just their excuse instead of straight up telling you they don’t want to hang out with a baby while they’re getting hyped up for a concert.
Like others have said there’s no way your friend would know why pumping is a pain for you, but I wouldn’t make a big deal because bringing a baby to the party is kind of a buzz kill, sorry
@ckatiejo I don’t think you’re wrong necessarily, but I see her side. You do have an alternative way of feeding your baby, one that she knows you utilize during the workday. You have the equipment and the know-how. She may not have an alternative way of getting her dog outside during the day. The animal has legitimate needs that have to be met by its owner (although I do wonder how long the dog goes without being put outside during her workday?). It’s obvious that she doesn’t understand what a pain pumping can be because she’s never had to do it, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to ask. Everyone wants to get together and you’ve both asked the group to cater to your specific wants/needs. By your friend’s perspective, her situation is a need and your situation is a want. You don’t have to agree, and you don’t have to go, but I don’t think she’s being purposefully rude and I wouldn’t be offended.
@ckatiejo I don't think you're being petty at all, and in all honesty I'd probably stay home too. Agree with others that the comment is likely borne out of her notion that pumping is equal to breastfeeding in effort and impact, which for you it clearly is not. She just doesn't "get it," and that sucks.
I wish I had a "script" like a lot of advice columnists... but imo it might be worth it to go the hard boundary route of "nope, that won't work, see you later!" without explanation. If this is a good good friend who you can talk to, I might address it after the concert if it's still bothering you. If you feel like it's not worth it to bring it up again, that's just good info to have for where this friend fits into your life for the foreseeable future.
@ckatiejo I feel like your boundaries are your boundaries. I'm sure your friend has no idea what goes into breastfeeding/pumping/baby napping schedules, etc. I would just say that that won't work for you and you need to be at your house to take care of the baby before the concert so they're welcome to come over to your house otherwise you'll just meet them at the concert! They can say whatever comments they want but as long as you're asserting your boundary you'll feel better knowing that you're doing what's best for you and your baby rather than trying to cater to someone else's boundary.
@ckatiejo I feel like I’m going to be down voted for this but oh, well..
I personally get very annoyed with my friends that assume our plans will revolve around their kids. This only seems to be a problem with my friends that were the first to have kids in the friend group. If you are inconvenienced by the group’s plans, then politely excuse yourself.
You presumably already have a babysitter/ are leaving the baby with your partner since you’re going to the concert. It can be harder for a single person to find a dog sitter than it is to leave a baby with the child’s parent.
I guess, though, this is coming from my perspective of having an unfriendly dog, a supportive partner, and don’t find pumping to be that hard.
@ckatiejo Since non of them have kids yet they honestly probably just don’t get it. I definitely had no idea how annoying pumping is and how hard bf could be and how the schedule matters or else it will mess baby and or your boobs up for days after . Plus I pumped 3x/ week for work . It’s such a pain in the ass nothing is worth pumping on a day I’m not working! If you don’t want to go hang out before don’t! Just tell them they will understand when they have kids and your sorry but it will mess up your routine and pumping is uncomfortable. They will likely understand
@ckatiejo Personally I wouldn't hang out prior...I'd just meet em at 4 or at the concert. It's not worth the hassle and people with out kids don't understand
@ckatiejo People who don’t have children don’t understand at all. I declined an invite to a bachelorette party because I didn’t want to leave my baby on a weekend when I already have to leave her for work during the week, and didn’t want to deal with pumping. I get it. The person organizing the event did not get it and told me it would be good for me. Cool bro, thanks, glad you know that it’s better for me to be away from my baby that I chose to have and spending time with people I don’t know we’ll at all. Hard pass.
Also, I have a dog, I absolutely love my dog and I am the kind of person that doesn’t want to leave him for long periods without going potty, BUT, there are things like rover or friends who can let your dog out!
@ckatiejo Ugh, yeah that’s absolutely a non-parent way of looking at the situation. Just set a clear boundary - can’t wait to hangout with them, not able to commit to the whole day.
