5 years later and with mental health things- am I mad it consider it?

[kevinbama]

I was SO sure I was OAD. I gave away a bunch of my daughters baby things.

I had hyperemesis and she was (unexpectedly and inexplicably 9 weeks early). I was so sure I would NEVER want anymore.

But we said we would officially close the door when she got to school- logic being if I ended up with hyperemesis again or a premmie, she would be out of the house with her own routine most of the time, and be more prepared to play alone or - worst case- have some sleepovers with the grandparents etc.

We are there. She’s very independent, and is BEGGING me for a sibling. Which isn’t a reason to do it, but has definitely contributed to that feeling.

Standard Factors:
1. Can I go back to nappies and someone so dependent? To not being able to shower/pee alone, and being about to give her some ipad time on Sunday morning for a sleep in (also her fav morning of the week)

1. Counter to 1- while I don’t want to do the first two years again, I’ve said consistently and sincerely that if I could pop out a two year old tomorrow I would do it. Two years isn’t that long in the scheme of a whole lifetime of another little person?
2. Do I want to have potentially two more years of career setback when my career had just picked up and I have some great opportunities (most of one year with hyperemesis- I was not a good employee, then mat leave (so sorry to those for whom that isn’t an option)
3. My husband and I struggled with the early days. More arguing, and he’s an intro erred only child himself- I definitely think there are pluses to being able to trade off parenting tasks and give each other breaks like we can with one older OAD. We are in such a sweet spot. Also he would need to take on more mental kid with a second- which he says he’s prepared to do but will be an adjustment.

Mental health stuff:

I have bipolar type 2. It’s very wel managed. I’ve held down good jobs, and performed well. I’m a good mum overall. I’m very lucky. I have been on medication for 10 years. In the last two years I’ve had a few more perceptible episodes- to me, and my husband. Which makes me worried it will
Get worse over time. This plays a lot into a second child.

Cons:
1. It willl be easier to stay level without another kid. The things I need to do - sleep well, exercise- is harder with a small
Person. It’s why we had our first at 27- easier to cope with those things and I’d been more stable.
2. The ideas I could have passed this on to my daughter keeps me up at night. Another kid doubles that chance. I would never get over the guilt, even though it’s a low chance.

Pro:
1. My psych said the best predictor of future success is past performance. I did wel last time and hopefully would this time.

1. If I do get worse, or god for it one of them are sick/ I like the idea that hopefully they would have each other. I know it’s not a guarantee.

Help me people. Any opinions welcome. Thanks so much if you read this far.

TL;DR: usually factors, but also mental health.

 

[renob]

@kevinbama Here's what you do, because your gut knows the answer but your head keeps telling you stories and giving you reasons: for one day, fully commit to the idea of OAD. Just 100% decide on it. The next day, switch and fully commit to a second.

Which day made you feel calmer, happy, ready to skip into the future? Which day had you keep second guessing and going back and forth still? It's usually pretty obvious which decision you actually want to make.

 

[drobert]

@renob That is very helpful advice, thank you!

 

[veronica6]

@renob This is a very cool idea, just want to put it out there that this wouldn't work for everyone. My brain always thinks about worst case scenario, whether it's some situation with work, or friends, or something major like having another kid.

Something I usually try to counter my brain's natural negativity is making a list of all the things that could go well, or ways I might handle the negative if they do come up. That also wouldn't work for everyone, but for those who worry a lot, it could help.

 

[jeyaraj]

@kevinbama What does your heart say? Deep down, all the practical issues aside, do you truly want another?

I don't think you're mad to consider it. It sounds like it could work out just fine - of course it will make life different and less peaceful, but that isn't necessarily terrible if you think another would bring you joy in the long run.

 

[swedishdude]

@kevinbama I made this exact post two or three years ago. I was advised to do exactly what one of the other comments in here says, to make up my mind fully one way or the other, then see how that felt.

Doing that, plus realizing how little progress I’ve made with mental health since giving birth, convinced me that we need to be OAD. I’m sad about it a lot, but I know I’m the best mother I can be for my family this way.

 

[reporter94]

@kevinbama A very good friend of mine and her husband decided to have another when their first was 6 and begging for a baby sibling. Well, 5 years later, he is headed to middle school, finds that sister more of an annoyance than anything, and she is not neurotypical, requiring a lot more time and attention than a typical 5 year old. Is she loved and wonderful? Absolutely. But responding to an elementary school aged only child with a sibling upon request likely won’t end up being truly what they want.

You’re not crazy to consider it. If you and your partner truly want another child, and everything that comes with it, then go for it. But if a factor is your 5 year old’s request, I wouldn’t do it.

 

[katrina2017]

@kevinbama Just a counter to the first point 2 you made. My son is 22 months old and it has felt like a VERY long time

 

[swedishdude]

@katrina2017 Those first pre-preschool years are interminable. I hope it gets faster for you! I imagine a pandemic doesn’t help though.