5 year old step son keeps kicking 32w wife in stomach

[slingingshot15]

Hey all,

Just looking for some advice and wisdom.

My 5yo stepson can have a real mean temper on him and frequently lashes out at his mother, recently he's discovered the easiest way to get his mother to leave him alone is if he boots her in the stomach.

I was upset the first time, but over the weekend this has happened 3 times now. I've tried sitting down and talking to him about it, early bedtimes to calm down, removing toys as punishment, etc.

Last night was a bad one and I explained to him why it's wrong and what to do should he find himself getting upset and we left it all on good terms ready to start a new day...

... and then again first thing this morning came to find my wife crying on the sofa because he had did it again. I'm really unsure what to do.

Thanks for reading.

 

[userischris]

@slingingshot15 Discipline him.

He knows it’s wrong, he doesn’t need conversations but he needs firm boundaries.

Edit: obviously he still needs love and affection too, it’s not one or the other.

 

[3rdeye]

@userischris It sounds like he actually needs emotional connection. Quality time with the parents, and validation for his clear feelings of jealousy towards his sibling to be.

 

[johnlittleelm]

@userischris How do you explain boundaries without conversation?

 

[userischris]

@johnlittleelm I mean the conversations have already happened, the kid knows what he’s doing is wrong.

Of course there’s emotional reasons behind what he’s doing, but he needs to learn that there’s acceptable ways to express emotions and there’s unacceptable ways. And unfortunately, children simply don’t understand beyond their own wants and needs at that age.

Consequences need to be put in place now. It’s a safety problem and soft parenting, as great as it is for some, doesn’t sound like the right strategy here.

 

[joeychris]

@johnlittleelm Discipline and or the word that is not allowed in this chat that starts with the letter B and ends with the letter T ya kids possibly

 

[hardcorechristian94]

@userischris Kicky kicky gets the pow pow.

 

[userischris]

@hardcorechristian94 Violence and abuse isn’t discipline.

 

[hardcorechristian94]

@userischris You gets the pow pow.

 

[scheherazade]

@slingingshot15 Probably he is jealous that the baby is getting all the attention. Try to engage him more on the pregnancy activities, so he can understand that he will not be replaced.

 

[slingingshot15]

@scheherazade I was worried about that, baby to be is another boy so perhaps that's a contributing factor. Thanks, I'll see ehat we can do to get him involved more.

 

[snowlucario]

@slingingshot15 It's a very hard time for a child to get a half sibling. They have very real fear that they will no longer be loved.

I really don't have great advice on how to go about helping your wife and child but maybe look into some family therapy to start helping to navigate this and help your eldest feel secure in his place.

When I was a child, I literally had adults tell me that my dad wouldn't need me anymore because he was starting a new family. So you never know what's been put into 5s mind. It could just be bad behaviour. Or it could be more complex.

 

[slingingshot15]

@snowlucario That's an awful thing to have people tell you. Going off other comments and your own I'm going to spend more time involving him in the preparations and just in general keeping him happy in the knowledge that he'll always be loved and a part of the family.

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

 

[husen2020]

@slingingshot15 Highly recommend the book “Raising Lions” by Joe Newman. It’s had a huge impact on disciplining my 2 young kids. My 4 year old boy is very willful and it has done wonders.

 

[slingingshot15]

@husen2020 Never been one to turn down a reading suggestion. Just ordered a copy, thank you.

 

[savedfree]

@slingingshot15 Just wanted to say thank you for being grateful

 

[justalittleone]

@slingingshot15 Do you have access to child psychologist? There is some questionable advice in this thread just like most Reddit threads.

Something this serious needs to be taken seriously. The jealously isn’t going to stop when your baby is born and you will have additional risks given how fragile and delicate a newborn is. Plus, you and your wife will be on so much less sleep to deal with this issue.

My immediate advice is not to discipline a child for feeling jealous. Not just because he’s not the baby, but because he’s also a half sibling. As others have said, try your best to give him the attention he’s asking for understanding his situation. He’s acting out because he has a need that was being met, but is no longer being met.

In my opinion, any discipline you give now will be met with resentment and more acting out. But again, like most people in this thread, I am not a child psychologist. Just a new parent trying their best.

Best of luck! You’re a good parent and husband for trying to solve this for your family.

 

[3rdeye]

@justalittleone Yep. Discipline is absolutely not the answer here.

 

[tryingtolead]

@slingingshot15 Ensuring your wife and the fetus’ safety is number one priority. If that means she needs to maintain her distance from your other son until this behavior stops, then so be it. It will be hard, but not as hard as if he does it again and something bad happens. Make sure he understands that you’re not doing it as a punishment or because she doesn’t love him, but because you’re not going to let him do something that’s unsafe.

After that you try and address the cause of your behavior. Kids have tiny, underdeveloped little monkey brains, so when they get big feelings that they don’t know how to deal with, it can cause them to lash out. First, you go after whatever is causing the big feelings. Talk to him about it. Ask him to try and describe his feelings. He probably won’t be able to fully, but it should start to point you in the right direction. My guess here is that he feels jealous about the pregnancy, so try and turn that into excitement instead. Talk to him about how much fun it will be to be a big brother. Get him involved in getting things ready for the new baby. Maybe let him pick out the decorations for the nursery or something. Also just make sure to pay attention to him. You’re probably (rightfully) distracted by a lot of baby stuff, so a little bit of extra time that’s all about him might go a long way.

No matter what you do though, big feelings are going to happen (and that’s ok). The key is to give him the tools to work through those feelings in a positive way. What works here is going to be different for every kid, but whatever it is, the key is going to involve helping him to make the connection between what’s wrong and how it makes him feel.

 

[tasfan2009]

@slingingshot15 There aren't any real consequences for his actions. Here's what's going on in his head:

You send me to my room? Great, now I have all of my toys to play with. Take away a toy? Whatever, I have others I can play with. Send me to bed early? Okay, sure, as if I'm actually going to sleep, I'll just stay up and play in my room.

He needs to have real consequences for his actions, don't just take away one toy, or send him to his room, or give him an early bedtime. Take away all of his toys, sit him in his room, and make him go to be early.

I understand that different parenting styles work for different kids, gentle parenting works great with kids who are already well behaved, but it doesn't seem to be working with him and he needs to be punished, and punished severely for doing things like this. If this continues he could kill his unborn sibling and that will mess him up big time later in life.