18 y/o freshmen in college wants to get apartment with his gf of 6 months

@jesse100 He's allegedly putting together a spreadsheet to show us regarding the finances. He hasn't talked to me about it directly yet, only mom. I'm going to be the bad cop on this one.
 
@bishopjordan Well if he’s putting together a financial spreadsheet that’s a good thing! He’ll see that they are both going to need jobs. At the end of the day he’s 18 and he’s grown enough to make his own decisions but also grown enough to handle the consequences and understand the responsibilities that come along with it. The best thing you can do is give him advice, he’s got to decide weather to take it or not
 
@bishopjordan I suggest that you throw him a curveball.

During your spreadsheet meeting, act super pumped. Show him how proud you are of him and the work that he’s put into planning this move.

Be super enthusiastic, especially about being super confident about him being wise enough to figure this process out on his own without you contributing a co-signs or financial help.

Maybe it will help stir a bit of healthy panic once he realizes that he doesn’t have to fight you for approval and that he’s really on his own.

Just curious- are you apprehensive about him moving in with a girl, or this one in particular?
 
@bishopjordan I have a different take on these types of situations.

I'd suggest waiting until Thanksgiving, when they can both travel home for a face to face conversation with all four parents. (Unless the girl can't talk to her parents for safety reasons.) Were talking seven weeks from tomorrow.

Meantime, I'd be reminding him that girls do get pregnant.

Son exactly what are the long term plans of you two?

Exactly how do you two plan to finance this?

What are you two wanting from us parents?

Etcetera!

I actually do have personal experience with two daughters and son in laws. Turned out very well.
 
@bishopjordan Probably get downvoted on this. But just make it clear you won't be helping with anything financially for this. Then let him crash on this. It's a learning experience. The more coercion you use on this, the more he will attach himself to her, and away from you. He's an adult now, time to learn adult things.
 
@bishopjordan Honestly, I wouldn’t try to convince him of anything and let him make his own decisions. He needs to make mistakes so he can learn from them. Do not help him financially. If he wants to act like an adult, then he needs to accept all the responsibilities of an adult. And DO NOT reach out to her parents. That’s the biggest no no ever. My mother reached out to my mil to discuss my failing marriage. My MIL was very uncomfortable and did not want to get involved. Do not be that parent. My mom has mental health issues and can’t help the need to control her children, even as adults. It made things sooooo much worse and helped nothing.
 
@bishopjordan I understand that you want to be protective, and love your son, but since he is 18, the only thing you can do is voice your concerns to them and give them guidance. Contacting her parents would come off overbearing, and you would probably end up just pushing them away. You should not be interfering in your adult child's relationship, even if you think it is toxic, because ultimately - it will cause you to look like the bad guy, and it often has a solidifying effect. It often causes a 'I will stay in this relationship because my parents don't want me too / stick it to the man' effect.

18 is a volatile age, and I know you wish he could focus on school, but it doesn't usually happen that way. Relationships happen, and with them - some of those toxic behaviors you mentioned. Hopefully, things will work out - and if not, it will be a learning experience. Being positive will make him open up to you more, but be careful not to judge, take sides or offer up too much relationship advice. Be there for him if he falls.

On another note, they can't just 'get' an apartment. In most places, they would have to have stable jobs, proving income 2-3x the amount of the apartment, with a deposit/last months rent to even be considered for one - so it would take them some time.
 
@bishopjordan The psychiatrist DR Laura would say “ if he shacks up with his honey ( she may say unpaid whore) then cut him off from all financial support”. If you don’t agree with it, you don’t have to pay the rent. They can get jobs.
 
@harrisd83 Please don’t quote that sexist quack.

…and try not to misinform others. ”Dr.Laura” is not a psychiatrist (she is not a physician) , “Dr.” Laura has a PhD in physiology (not psychology).

It was only after she started giving out advice on her radio shows that she acquired for a certificate in marriage counseling that later allowed her to get a therapist’s license in California.
 
@dosto oh she is a piece of work. the irony is several other comments contained the same advice - her son should pay his own way if he shares an apartment with his gf. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 
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