18 y/o freshmen in college wants to get apartment with his gf of 6 months
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@bishopjordan Well if he’s putting together a financial spreadsheet that’s a good thing! He’ll see that they are both going to need jobs. At the end of the day he’s 18 and he’s grown enough to make his own decisions but also grown enough to handle the consequences and understand the responsibilities that come along with it. The best thing you can do is give him advice, he’s got to decide weather to take it or not
@bishopjordan I suggest that you throw him a curveball.
During your spreadsheet meeting, act super pumped. Show him how proud you are of him and the work that he’s put into planning this move.
Be super enthusiastic, especially about being super confident about him being wise enough to figure this process out on his own without you contributing a co-signs or financial help.
Maybe it will help stir a bit of healthy panic once he realizes that he doesn’t have to fight you for approval and that he’s really on his own.
Just curious- are you apprehensive about him moving in with a girl, or this one in particular?
During your spreadsheet meeting, act super pumped. Show him how proud you are of him and the work that he’s put into planning this move.
Be super enthusiastic, especially about being super confident about him being wise enough to figure this process out on his own without you contributing a co-signs or financial help.
Maybe it will help stir a bit of healthy panic once he realizes that he doesn’t have to fight you for approval and that he’s really on his own.
Just curious- are you apprehensive about him moving in with a girl, or this one in particular?
caycemaples9
New member
@bishopjordan Let them! Life is journey, as is its lesson.
@bishopjordan They are adults.
There is nothing you can do other than wait for the wheels to come off and help them pick up the pieces
There is nothing you can do other than wait for the wheels to come off and help them pick up the pieces
@bishopjordan I have a different take on these types of situations.
I'd suggest waiting until Thanksgiving, when they can both travel home for a face to face conversation with all four parents. (Unless the girl can't talk to her parents for safety reasons.) Were talking seven weeks from tomorrow.
Meantime, I'd be reminding him that girls do get pregnant.
Son exactly what are the long term plans of you two?
Exactly how do you two plan to finance this?
What are you two wanting from us parents?
Etcetera!
I actually do have personal experience with two daughters and son in laws. Turned out very well.
I'd suggest waiting until Thanksgiving, when they can both travel home for a face to face conversation with all four parents. (Unless the girl can't talk to her parents for safety reasons.) Were talking seven weeks from tomorrow.
Meantime, I'd be reminding him that girls do get pregnant.
Son exactly what are the long term plans of you two?
Exactly how do you two plan to finance this?
What are you two wanting from us parents?
Etcetera!
I actually do have personal experience with two daughters and son in laws. Turned out very well.
@bishopjordan Probably get downvoted on this. But just make it clear you won't be helping with anything financially for this. Then let him crash on this. It's a learning experience. The more coercion you use on this, the more he will attach himself to her, and away from you. He's an adult now, time to learn adult things.
bishopjordan
New member
@bishopjordan Oh I'm guessing it will too. But as a parent who's gone through this. I recommend not getting in the way or helping. Good luck either way.
katrina2017
New member
@bishopjordan Honestly, I wouldn’t try to convince him of anything and let him make his own decisions. He needs to make mistakes so he can learn from them. Do not help him financially. If he wants to act like an adult, then he needs to accept all the responsibilities of an adult. And DO NOT reach out to her parents. That’s the biggest no no ever. My mother reached out to my mil to discuss my failing marriage. My MIL was very uncomfortable and did not want to get involved. Do not be that parent. My mom has mental health issues and can’t help the need to control her children, even as adults. It made things sooooo much worse and helped nothing.
prototype1911
New member
@bishopjordan I understand that you want to be protective, and love your son, but since he is 18, the only thing you can do is voice your concerns to them and give them guidance. Contacting her parents would come off overbearing, and you would probably end up just pushing them away. You should not be interfering in your adult child's relationship, even if you think it is toxic, because ultimately - it will cause you to look like the bad guy, and it often has a solidifying effect. It often causes a 'I will stay in this relationship because my parents don't want me too / stick it to the man' effect.
18 is a volatile age, and I know you wish he could focus on school, but it doesn't usually happen that way. Relationships happen, and with them - some of those toxic behaviors you mentioned. Hopefully, things will work out - and if not, it will be a learning experience. Being positive will make him open up to you more, but be careful not to judge, take sides or offer up too much relationship advice. Be there for him if he falls.
On another note, they can't just 'get' an apartment. In most places, they would have to have stable jobs, proving income 2-3x the amount of the apartment, with a deposit/last months rent to even be considered for one - so it would take them some time.
18 is a volatile age, and I know you wish he could focus on school, but it doesn't usually happen that way. Relationships happen, and with them - some of those toxic behaviors you mentioned. Hopefully, things will work out - and if not, it will be a learning experience. Being positive will make him open up to you more, but be careful not to judge, take sides or offer up too much relationship advice. Be there for him if he falls.
On another note, they can't just 'get' an apartment. In most places, they would have to have stable jobs, proving income 2-3x the amount of the apartment, with a deposit/last months rent to even be considered for one - so it would take them some time.
biblicalmissiology
New member
@bishopjordan For some reason I’m picturing a cake with an homage to gabby petito painted in the frosting 
.. sick !
.. sick !@bishopjordan The psychiatrist DR Laura would say “ if he shacks up with his honey ( she may say unpaid whore) then cut him off from all financial support”. If you don’t agree with it, you don’t have to pay the rent. They can get jobs.
daveautumn2
New member
@harrisd83 What a terrible person Dr Laura is
@harrisd83 Please don’t quote that sexist quack.
…and try not to misinform others. ”Dr.Laura” is not a psychiatrist (she is not a physician) , “Dr.” Laura has a PhD in physiology (not psychology).
It was only after she started giving out advice on her radio shows that she acquired for a certificate in marriage counseling that later allowed her to get a therapist’s license in California.
…and try not to misinform others. ”Dr.Laura” is not a psychiatrist (she is not a physician) , “Dr.” Laura has a PhD in physiology (not psychology).
It was only after she started giving out advice on her radio shows that she acquired for a certificate in marriage counseling that later allowed her to get a therapist’s license in California.
jesuslover_dad_442
New member
@bishopjordan I'm perplexed. You say that you can't stop him but he doesn't even have a job. Who is paying his tuition and rent?
If it's you then this is your decision and no one else's.
If it's you then this is your decision and no one else's.
bishopjordan
New member
@jesuslover_dad_442 He's currently living on campus & paid tuition from some savings he had.
jesuslover_dad_442
New member
@bishopjordan Then you are not in a position to prohibit him from doing this. Given how far away they are, you may not be fully aware of all of their activities and social outings. Let it run it's course.