10 Year Old Can't Read or Count

[ichabod]

Hey All,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 7 months and I spend a lot of time with her 10 year old daughter, V.

About me

I'm an assistant principal at an elementary school that serves grades K - 6. I met my gf because she asked me to tutor V. I've been tutoring her for an hour, twice a week, since we met about a year ago. I used to be a special education case manager when I was a teacher. Before we started dating, ( and after about two sessions with V) I suggested that she contact V's school about getting an IEP. My gf wanted to try long term tutoring first.

About V

V is ten but she, to me, seems like a very young ten. Here are a few behavioral things that stand out to me:

1. She pees on herself while she is awake. We once picked her up from a playground and her pants were wet. She first denied that she knew she had peed herself and then said she couldn't hold it.
2. She has to use the bathroom all the time.
3. She whines or uses a baby voice when she talks. It frustrates her mom but she does it all the time.
4. She doesn't know things and, even if you tell her, she forgets. We went to the aquarium yesterday and she didn't understand ever an aquarium was (she had been to one before) and she couldn't grasp it or remember even after her mom told her.
5. She struggles to make logical connections. We asked her why all of the walls in the aquarium might be painted blue and she couldn't day.
6. She struggles with following instructions. Her mom asked her to put all of her toys in her toy box and all of the old clothes that needed to be donated in a large garbage bag. She was then suposed to bring the garbage bag to the living room downstairs where her mom and i were waiting. Her mom repeated this three times. As she was working, I called up to her periodically to reiterate toys in the toy box, clothes in the bag. She said uh huh like she heard me. After about 15 minutes, she brought down a garbage bag full of her toys. She said she'd put the the clothes in the toy box just like we'd asked. I can think of at least 5 or 6 examples like that.

Here are a few academic things that stand out:

1. V cannot read. I suggested her mom start her with sight words when I first started working with her. She can't recall them all the time. She also can't consistently remember letter sounds let alone letter blends. She also didn't remember book mechanics.
2. V cannot comprehend what is read to her (or songs, movies, etc. ). We were reading a level one step into reading book and she couldn't answer questions like "Who is going to the fair?" Or "Why is Billy sad?"
3. V cannot count. When I first started working with her, we would pass a ball back and forth counting by 1's. I'd also lay out counting blocks and have her practice touching and assigning a number to each block to determine the total. Once it seemed like she had mastered that, we tried making equal groups and skip counting. She couldn't remember those things from week to week. Her cousin (who is 7) asked her what 3 x 3 was yesterday. She made like she was counting on her fingers then she said 1. He corrected her and said 9.

She is a friendly kid but her mom is really hurt and confused and I am treading lightly. I think it is a learning disability of some kind but I wouldn't dare say anything. Have any of you experienced anything similar with your kids? How can I be supportive? Anything you can share would be helpful. I love V's mom and I care for V.

EDIT: This is real. It is an inner city school without much funding. My gf is looking into transferring her because she has As, Bs, and Cs but we are seeing what I listed above at home. She isn't a doofus or a negligent mom.

UPDATE

Thank you to all of you who responded with compassion. I spoke to her after I got home. She was surprisingly receptive and she even acknowledged that I had been nudging for a while. I shared that I think there may be social and cognitive delays. She needed to take some space but, after that, she came back and thanked me. We're going to request an evaluation at school. I'm going to draft the letter. I'll keep you all posted.

 

[kreke]

@ichabod Sounds more serious than a learning disability. I would guess intellectual or at the very least cognitive delay. You owe it to V to insist upon professional evaluation immediately

 

[ichabod]

@kreke This is what I was thinking but I wasn't sure how to approach my gf about it being as though we haven't been together very long.

 

[v2kwame]

@ichabod Honestly, what’s more important? You see a child that is struggling, so you need to mention it to your girlfriend. The fact that the school hasn’t said anything is troublesome. Have they said something and she ignored it or are they ignoring the needs of the child? Either way, something needs to be done to help this child. Early intervention is needed before it goes any longer.

 

[kreke]

@v2kwame Sadly this will be very, very late intervention but I definitely agree with you

 

[hsong]

@v2kwame Unfortunately if it’s not brought up in a certain way, parents can double down or get defensive when approached about things like this. They often end up in denial and help for the child is delayed even further. OP is right to worry about how best to approach it tbh.

 

[michaelrot]

@v2kwame It’s too late for early intervention. This kid will never catch up.

 

[rscaroline446]

@ichabod You are muddling your roles here. Your relationship roles with the mom are winning the conflict with your role as V's tutor. If you weren't involved with mom, would you have doubts on how to address your concerns about V?

My two cents would be to seperate the two roles and say something along the lines of, "as your partner/(insert preferred term here), i appreciate how difficult this topic might be and i am more than willing to help you through this. Know that V's situation does not reflect on you as a person or a mother. However, ive never been in a situation quite like this and I am struggling to find the right way to approach this. I feel that it's more important to be able to be honest, even if it hurts, than to say something incorrectly so that i dont hurt your feelings, and something falls through tue cracks. So, I need to speak to you as V's tutor right now." And then off you go.

Good luck

 

[james17]

@ichabod If you stay with her, you'll be dealing with it, too. If you break up, at least you did it what was in the best interested of the child.

 

[james17]

@kreke Exactly this. A learning disability wouldn't really cover it all. She needs to be evaluated very soon. It's troubling that it was missed for so long already.

 

[michaelrot]

@kreke She needs her brain scanned. My friend had a child that his teacher suggested was epileptic because he would stare at her vacantly in class and she thought he was having an epileptic fit. He was about 12 years old at that time. He couldn’t read well, struggles with writing and couldn’t understand giving change. He was also very dim. After the scan we found out that much of his brain was missing. It was just black where brain should be and it wasn’t in one area - his entire brain was smaller than it should be. Turns out he had a congenital abnormality and his much younger sister was the same.

My friend and I suspected it was due to her husband because he was very very stupid.

I suggest she get her brain scanned before you bother with assessments.

I can completely understand that this was not picked up at school. My public school was awful and even in highschool they put aggressive special ed teens in mainstream classes. It was awful.

 

[kreke]

@michaelrot That is so sad

 

[michaelrot]

@kreke Yes. Which is why I think all children who are this level of dim have their brain scanned.

It doesn’t matter how much intervention this kid got - he was never going to cut it in mainstream classes.

I think he got a trade not requiring a reading/writing aptitude. He was good with boring, repetitive tasks. His dad managed to hold down a job (barely) and my friend had bought multiple properties and saved. I suspect there are many people walking around with brain issues.

I think everyone is so quick to diagnose autism these days that if a kid is just stupid then they are just ignored.

 

[camo320]

@kreke My thought too.

 

[justheretotalk]

@ichabod This sounds like a child who is severely special needs. I can’t imagine that the school had not diagnosed her yet.

 

[hsong]

@justheretotalk Very odd that at 10yo they haven’t requested any sort of evaluation or approached the mother. The school has failed her.

 

[bdt91]

@justheretotalk My daughter's friend (13f) was just diagnosed w adhd and a learning disability recently. She's been struggling in school since we've known her at a very good school.

A series of F's followed by A's on oral retakes prompted a teacher to suggested she be tested by a medical professional.

 

[katrina2017]

@ichabod This warrants a suggestion to V's mom.
The child should be assessed by a professional based on the concerns.

Sometimes a simple " I really care for you both. These are the things that worry me. I think V should be seen by her doctor and these be discussed so she can get the right support." If mom is adamant that she doesn't need it, you should seek professional advice yourself on how to approach the situation. Denying a child appropriate support for a disability is a big red flag, and warrants investigationg into the parent.

If your relationship with her mom is just because you are helping V, it's maybe not a relationship you should continue to be in.

 

[chadnyc]

@ichabod Sounds like in addition to a delay, she also needs her hearing checked. I would go to a professional audiology clinic though and not just the school nurse.

 

[dugbeard]

@chadnyc That's actually a good point, and a lot of assessment centres do that as a first step. OP, when you're arranging an assessment, ask the centre if it includes a hearing test.