“Coparent” No call no show?

[ron1999]

ETA: Obviously my question got lost..

How do I help my 4y/o cope with not hearing from him? Ideas, thing to help a 4y/o understand that it’s not the end of the world and I’m here for her

my personal opinion of my ex is vented here not in front of my daughter. i DO keep it separate from my child but she isn’t reading this discussion.

-He is the one making promises to see and call her. Yes she does remember and constantly ask about it.
-I do NOT bring up my ex unless she asks about him and I do NOT bash him or ANYONE in front of my child.
-My not liking my ex does not change that he’s her father. Her relationship with and views about him is entirely for her to decide. On her own, at her own pace.

Advise on how to deal with upset toddler when “father” disappears on her? I know I can’t change how he is but how do I help my 4 y/o cope with this?
He will miss 60% of scheduled/promised calls/visits and doesn’t talk to her for more than 5 minutes. She becomes inconsolable and I just don’t know how to explain things to her. Please help

 

[rebornkid]

@ron1999 My sons dad used to do this all the time, I think he thought a toddler/really young kid wouldn’t notice or care but they do and it gives them big feelings that you’re left to deal usually with no excuse. I used to tell him that I know he’s sad and that’s ok but now we get to spend extra time together for fun. I stopped telling him when dad was meant to come and would tell him we had to do something boring outside to get him ready. Once I received a message from dad that he was almost there I’d tell him. He would be extra happy because dad time plus he didn’t have to do the boring thing.

I think the main thing I would say is don’t make excuses for him, be honest you don’t know why dad didn’t come and as much as you’d love for her to spend time with him you’re happy you get bonus time then divert her attention (if you can have a back up activity stashed away and ready for just in case, crafts, lego etc that might help). If you need to go into the bathroom to silently scream do that once she’s calm and settled, I spent many Saturday mornings raging silently in the bathroom.

 

[dollapy]

@ron1999 Don’t tell her until he calls or you know for sure he’s following through with a visit. “Daddy has to work/he’s driving etc.” You don’t have to explain anything more than that and shouldn’t. She won’t understand.

I’d also work on yourself with the “coparent” and “father” thing. He IS your coparent, and he IS her father, despite how you feel about it. He’s involved, and she obviously loves him if she gets upset. Little kids pick up on more than you think.

 

[ron1999]

@dollapy The quotation are because he doesn’t not actually coparent with me. He does not treat her like his child. Not because I don’t want him to have those titles. So perhaps you should ask for clarification in the future.
Also she does understand that she’s missing her dad. Not why and that’s not what I’m trying to explain to her. I’m trying to help her cope when she’s inconsolable. So unfortunately your comment does not help me much.

 

[jamie0]

@ron1999 Your defensiveness to this very good advice provides some additional context. Your attitude toward your coparent isn’t great and will definitely come through in your approach with your child.

But - again, the advice is good. Don’t mention his visits or plans or calls until they are actually happening. There’s nothing to get upset about if nothing is scheduled.

 

[timothy2016]

@jamie0 The advice is good regarding not mentioning the visits or calls until dad is there and it’s actually happening.

From my perspective, this advice turns a bit gaslight-y when saying that “he’s involved” and to just lie and tell child that “daddy had to work” when “daddy” is actually blowing off his child 60% of the time. Meaning that her child is eventually going to catch on that it’s not always work, and that there is a consistency problem and a commitment problem. The child is going to internalize this as something being wrong with her, and moms best bet at getting ahead of that lifelong heartache is to find a way to start addressing the subject with honesty and trust and support and love as early as possible.

“Mommy” does not need to show her child unnecessary truths or share things that will harm her. But she also doesn’t need to lie for daddy or protect daddy’s reputation with her child, because that will ultimately fuel the child’s disillusionment as to what her fathers chosen role in her life is.

How I approach this is by not telling her about plans until they happen. But if my 4 year old gets her hopes up for some reason about something and is disappointed, I just tell her honestly that it didn’t work out. I don’t sugar coat but I also I don’t get harsh or go into any detail. I just let her know that it didn’t work out, then I let her cry or be upset or angry- just feel what she needs to feel.

Then, and here’s my own advice, I focus on distraction!! We go get ice cream. We color together. We crack some eggs in a bowl and the mixes it. We play with her toys. We walk the dog.

I remind her that the home she has will always be here and that it’s a safe place to come to with our hurt, feelings will be heard and validated. but also a place where we can find a way to feel happy again together when she’s ready.

 

[kaimonster]

@timothy2016 I love the way you’ve articulated this - I’ve seen a lot of advice around protecting the reputation of the other parent and I think that can be really harmful in some instances. I always want my child to feel safe in the expectation that I am honest with him, and that any upset he feels is valid. So thank you for putting words to this!

 

[dollapy]

@ron1999 Neither does my ex husband. He’s an abusive piece of shit to me and often treats my son like a cute accessory and not a toddler whose needs come first. I don’t like it either. So no, I don’t need clarification, I know what you mean when you use style quotes. It’s clear.

But that doesn’t mean he’s not your coparent or your child’s father. He is. That’s a fact, and you need to respect that’s the way things are. It doesn’t matter if he’s a dirtbag as long as he’s not putting her in danger. She still loves him, and he’s present in her life. It’s not your place to shape their relationship. She will learn on her own time that he’s a butthead, and you have to let that process naturally play out. It’s better for him to be in her life, even sporadically, than not at all.

I never said she doesn’t understand missing her dad. But that’s ALL she’s capable of really understanding at 4. Trying to explain anything more and getting her hopes up in anticipation of a call/visit is going to be extremely confusing for her. You need to stay neutral and avoid making promises on his behalf.

Do you want good advice? Or are you just looking for ways to tell your 4-year-old that her dad is a piece of shit because you don’t like him?

 

[ron1999]

@dollapy That’s the problem he ISNT present and ISNT coparenting. My quotations are because he isn’t acting like a father to help a child HE also created.
I NEVER once said that I speak ill of my ex in front of my child. YOU made that assumption. Also what is your definition of CoParenting and being present? Because obviously you think you seem to know how much involvement he has. Especially considering he hasn’t seen her since last November. Also agree to disagree on your argument of inconsistent parent is better for a child than an absent one

NONE of your arguments help me to help my daughter. You are welcome to move along and take your attitude and assumptions with you.

 

[dollapy]

@ron1999 He isn’t acting like an ideal father, but he’s still her father, and he’s in her life. You still have to interact with him to facilitate visits and calls. That’s coparenting, even if you don’t speak otherwise.

I’m not trying to be a dick. I’ve had to learn the same lessons. I’ve been through it. I’m not a perfect parent, but I also have a toddler and dickbag ex. It’s rough. I don’t know everything, but I do know that little kids pick up on your attitude about the other parent.

 

[ron1999]

@dollapy This isn’t about my ex it’s about my daughter. So if you have tips or tricks on how to help her aside from what’s been stated, you’re welcome to share them. Otherwise enjoy your day and leave me alone.

 

[halterfr33]

@ron1999 I'd rely on my experience processing abandonment trauma in therapy, which would mean helping my toddler identify what they're feeling and providing some context.

So I'd validate that not getting picked up would make me feel disappointed, confused, lonely, hurt, rejected... And discuss that their coparent loves them and isn't able to show up today for whatever reason. That it sucks and it isn't fair and I'm so sorry it's happened. Big hugs, reassurance that I'm here to help them through it.

If they'd like to talk some more, sure. Otherwise, I'd be present however they'd like eg give space, be close but not touching, hold and comfort...

That would be the initial convo, thereafter, I'd focus more on preventative stuff (eg. no discussion about visit unless day of confirmation), plans for responding (eg. Alternative fun thing to do if coparent goes MIA) and acknowledgment of the sad feelings if parent goes MIA.

In my experience of therapy, trauma is less what happened to you and more, what happened as a result of what happened to you. Providing context preempts the self blame, and identifying the feelings helps with commiserating, normalizing and clarifying what they're feeling.

 

[zelna]

@halterfr33 Idk if i would say that the coparent loves the little one. Imo love means showing up. And considering others feelings etc etc. when you buffer the disappointment all you’re doing is protecting the coparent. Not your kiddo

 

[rebornkid]

@zelna Yeah I used to make excuses and say he misses kid wishes he could spend time etc, dad would say the same but add on he can’t spend more time because kid has to be with me so he translated that in his mind to its mummy’s fault and I’d get the brunt of the anger until I stopped it and told dad to rephrase things.

 

[zelna]

@rebornkid My therapist told me it’s inevitable my son will be disappointed by his dad. It’s better to allow the kids to see that and make their own decisions on it. The earlier the better

 

[ron1999]

@halterfr33 This helps. Thank you.

 

[brandonsmith13]

@ron1999 Agree with the majority of the advice already given:
Do validate kiddo's feelings.
Do empathize.
Do choose your words carefully; as you don't want to project your own feelings into the situation, and you don't want to add MORE bad feelings they hadn't even considered (I wouldn't bring up feeling "rejected," or, "stood up" for example, unless they use those words first. I would just offer, "sad," or "disappointed."

Do NOT make excuses for dad.
Do NOT lie for dad.
Do NOT, NOT, NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tell kiddo that dad loves them or misses them! (You can validate kiddo's feelings "I know you love and miss your dad (...), but don't tell kiddo how dad feels- dad is the only one who knows how dad feels; and this is the one big mistake I made in the early years of my kiddo going through the same thing. It made everything much much harder down the road when dad ultimately stopped participating in kiddo's life at all.

I also caution against the idea of not ever telling kiddo when dad is supposed to have parenting time. It's a good concept, in theory. BUT...
1. Kids thrive on predictable schedules and routines. While you can't control if dad shows up, you CAN control their right to know and anticipate what events are scheduled to occur in their near future.

1. Dad likely hypes up anticipation for the next time they're together or the next time they're going to talk. Dad likely makes all sorts of promises about those future events, even if he knows he doesn't intend to follow through. Feigning ignorance about when that next time is supposed to be when talking with your child could weaken the trust and sense of security kiddo has with mom.
2. In the grand scheme of things, it won't be long at all until kiddo is more aware of concepts concerning times and days, and just not telling them ahead of time isn't a long-term solution because they'll be able to figure it out on their own soon anyways.
3. Chronically NOT telling kiddo ahead of time opens up the heartbreaking potential for them to develop hope/ possibilities that ANY day might be a day that dad shows up, or ANY certian set of activities/ events could be a secret precursor to seeing dad (could even be something minor that you, mom, would never even notice or think of!)

Instead of NOT telling kiddo that dad's scheduled time is approaching, I suggest telling kiddo, "well on the schedule we'd agreed on/ the judge gave us, that we both have copies of, it says that your dad is supposed to pick you up tonight/tomorrow(whenever) and he's supposed to have you for (x amount of time), but I haven't heard from your dad recently, so I'm not sure if he's still planning to do that. If he does, I bet you'll have a great time; and if he doesn't, you and I will get extra time together! And I do LOVE spending time with you!" (Don't mention a fun exciting activity at that point, when dad showing up is still a possibility )
This doesn't prevent heartache if dad doesn't show up, but it does prepare them for the fact that he may not, and it puts the "blame" for failure to execute parenting time where it should be: on dad; and takes away any doubt about "did dad not want to see me, or did mom not LET dad see me"- those kinds of thoughts may not be there now, but they're likely to come up at some point in the future- wether dad makes an accusation, or as kiddo gets older and just starts to wonder about all the things that were kept from him, and "what is/isn't the REAL TRUTH?!"

It's best to be as honest as possible right from the get go; BUT WITHOUT BEING MEAN/ UNNECESSARILY HARSH TOWARDS THE OTHER PARENT!!!
(I also agree with the comment about reframing your thinking about your "co-parent"/ your child's "father." Those were very wise words, OP you should really think long and hard about the advice given in that regard!

 

[timothy2016]

@brandonsmith13 This is super wholesome and insightful advice. As a mom of a toddler - thank you for sharing your perspective!