When did boyfriend sleepovers become a thing

A

ajhnh

New member
Daughter is 15 and all her friends parents allow their boyfriends to come to their houses for sleepovers in the same room/ bed. I checked with other mum friends outside this particular group - also allow boyfriends to sleepover. Am I old fashioned or what - 15 seems a bit young to me to be having your boyfriend staying over?
My daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for 6 months, she’s 16 in July, I get on very well with my daughter and I get on well too with her boyfriend who is lovely. Daughter is already on contraceptives due to heavy periods.
Advice needed!
 
@ajhnh Hard no over here.

Geez!! They are still kids! If they are having sex I’m going to make the contraception something they have easy access to, not each other’s genitals.
 
@jeri17 The genitals are already easy access. You’re just subjecting the act to be somewhere else and not your home. I’m not saying I don’t agree, I’m just saying it’s doing the least amount of prevention. Almost none.

13 year old kids today do what 17 year olds did a generation ago. If you treat your 13 year old like a 13 year old from our generations, then your kid gloving yourself and your child will simply find ways around you
 
@nmc You’re not wrong. I fully understand that if they want to be sexually active, they will. We are a sex positive household and are quite realistic about what goes on with teenagers.

I’m still not allowing significant others to sleep over in the same bed while they are in high school. They can save that for later in life.
 
@jeri17 We are a sex-positive household too. I’m not saying that my attitude about sex is negative. I’m just saying that it’s not allowed in my house at that age. There’s a big difference. We are very open about communication about it. That’s a whole different thing. it would never even occur to her to ask at this point. She sees it as a positive thing but also understands it comes with more than just a physical part. It comes with a lot of emotional stuff that you have to be ready for and she doesn’t feel like she is ready. I never said she even wanted to. But that’s my point. Because it’s simply not even on the radar yet, she doesn’t even ask. But it would still be a hard no for me but not because I think it’s a bad thing. I just would openly talk to her about it on a deeper level and let her decide what she does out in the world. There are lots of things she should ideally hold off on till she’s older and sex is one of them. I waited till I was 17 and I still didn’t feel ready and regret it because I ended up with a lot of emotional stuff attached to it that was not reciprocated by the guy. I told her what happened to me and it made her really stop and think. I don’t think there’s ever gonna be a guy her age that is ready for it either. It all just becomes a big hormonal mess and no maturity involved whatsoever and it can really cause a lot of trauma in my opinion. But I also know it’s normal and natural, but I think kids have to be guided and given all the information about the emotional side not just the pregnancy and health risks. No one ever sat me down and told me any of that stuff. If I tell her all that stuff and she still feels ready, then OK. But I seriously doubt that’s gonna happen because I already have her set up to be thinking about it and I don’t think she even wants to yet. If she’s doing it out there in the world, then at least I know she has the information I’ve given her. And that’s really all I can do.
 
@nmc Not true. A small number of kids are having a lot more sex than previous generations did, but sex, drugs, etc, have been trending down, so are teen pregnancies, abortions, dropping out of school, and the vast majority of children are postponing experimenting with dangerous activities.
 
@pastorjdh I have to agree. My kids and their friends barely want to leave the house. We are forcing my daughter to learn how to drive, and they seem to be doing everything in their power to avoid growing up. I’m ok with it, but it’s different from me, who never wanted to be home at their ages.

Oh, and no way would I let a boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over, but neither kid has even dated or gotten close to having a relationship, so…
 
@pastorjdh Id like to gently disagree as I have seen nothing short of an army of adolescent mental health professionals lately to try to help my teenage daughter. Nicotine and THC use from e-ciggs specifically are at an all time high. Gen Z has more addicted kids by 15 than any other generation and its specifically e-ciggs, filled with THC or Nicotine. Sex is not down, its simply far more private of an affair for kids today then it was for us and the social media behind it is more stigmatized but safe sex practices are far higher hence the less pregnancy / abortion rates. But when it comes to narcotics / hard drugs, those are ABSOULTELY far less today than previous generations. Gen Z does not want to be fentanyl zombies, but they consume nicotine and THC at a faster and earlier rate than any other generation previous

Id like to suggest a book my daughter's therapist shared:

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-New-Teen-Age-Anxiety/dp/1642500496

Was eye opening. I thought me having a child at 20 ment my smaller than average age gap would help me relate better to my kiddo but as of the last year I've never been more wrong and am forced to re-compile my parenting completely.
 
@nmc It might be a cultural gap. In my country e-cigs/vape aren’t easily available even for adults, so it’s not common to see teens with them at all. Well, 25% say they tried at least once, but less than 1:200 say they do regular use.
 
@pastorjdh That's absolutely what it is. Im in America if it wasn't obvious, which i feel like is the leader of anxious teenagers. Land of the free, home of the greedy. E-cigs are laughably obtainable, I had a very real discussion with my child in group therapy and I asked her straight up, do you know where to get Weed, cocaine, eciggs, and alcohol . Her answer was that she was at maximum, 2 phone calls away from getting any of those things but mainly 1 text away from most of it. Even in my time at 15-16 year old years I was able to get packs of cigarettes from MANY gas stations, they just didn't care.

Keep in mind my child is AP level classes (high level Advanced Placement Classes) and consistently gets honor roll. A million times over i wish I was based in another country as I cry for Americans generation Z who will have burned out endorphin receptors by 15 and an inability to cope without their nicotine fix.

Can i ask what country you're from? It sounds like a far less anxious place to raise a child lol
 
@nmc
It sounds like a far less anxious place to raise a child lol
Click to expand...

Oh, ma’am, you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m from Brazil, we don’t have the problem with e-cigs but we have all the others tenfold. I’ll say it’s nowhere the hell foreigners imagine it to be, I live in a nice place without much trouble. Plenty of anxious teens.
 
@pastorjdh Very true. Grass is always greener on the other side till you get there, everyone's got their own set of problems and we're typically only aware of our own on-going issues so i didnt mean to downplay anything going on in your country, we're all fked. Anxious generations create more anxious generations I guess? Just trying to break the cycle. And not that it should matter but I am a guy, i thought were in r/daddit till i remembered I recently joined r/parentingteenagers, was confused till I realized where this thread was and now it makes far more sense.
 
@nmc Sorry, I just assumed because here there are so many moms. I’m also a dad, for what matters, posting mostly on daddit too, but joined here now that my eldest is thirteen.

Also no need to apologise, frankly, Brazil is complicated. Like a patchwork of countries, it’s hard to know what is going on somewhere else because we can live such different lives despite being in a single state.
 
@drriversong That’s not the argument here: It’s what we put emphasis on as parents. We make more damaging behaviors more challenging to accomplish and provide easy access to the things we want to encourage. We acknowledge that they’re gonna do stuff they want to do, but we sure as shit aren’t going to actively encourage them to have sex at 15 years old and wittingly provide a space for it. What we will do is have open and honest conversations about sex and boundaries + provide easy access to contraception.
 
@drriversong I know my son is having sex with his girlfriend. I’ve caught her here a couple times, and I let condoms available and he has took some. I can’t control that unless I literally lock him up.

That doesn’t mean I will allow her here with supervision. Or that he can go to her home with her parents being there (not that I think they would stop them but that’s beside the point). I wish they would stop and wait a lot more, I can’t, but I also won’t encourage them to do it whenever they feel like it. It’s like playing dice, the chances of something bad happening if they do everything right is small (and I can’t be sure they are doing everything right, I’m not there with them), but give enough throws and something bad will happen.
 
@ajhnh My 15 yo daughter has been trying to get me to allow her bf to stay the night and it’s a hard no from me. She makes it seem like I’m the only parent who doesn’t allow this. I’m so glad you made this post because I wasn’t sure if it’s a normal thing nowadays. I think that these kids are still too young for bf sleepovers
 
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