What is one thing you learned/one thing nobody warned you about?

[carson]

I’m getting induced next Monday night at 34 weeks for Pre-E. My husband and I are taking things a day at a time since I have been admitted to the hospital last week. We chatted with the NICU today. We’re obviously trying to stay positive about all of this, and we know so many have much sooner deliveries, but it’s still scary and sad knowing we will go home without our baby.

What is one thing you learned after the NICU stay? If you could give new parents one piece of advice that maybe nobody else has. Thank you so much in advance!

 

[katrina2017]

@carson I was admitted to the hospital with severe pre E at 32 weeks. The plan was to keep me there until to 34 or so weeks to deliver him but I continued to get worse no matter what they did, so he was evicted at 33+2. He was good sized, just needed to grow/eat. He was discharged a few days before he would have been 36 weeks GA. He’s now almost 16 months old & bigger than most 2 year old.

It’s so hard being separated from your baby. I was so sick & had to remain in the hospital 10 days after delivery to get myself stabilized. Having to get up out of bed & go to a different wing of the hospital to visit my son was depressing. Don’t be a hero, let them transport you there in a wheelchair. Hearing other babies cry hurt my heart because I couldn’t have my son in the same room with me like “all the other moms”. Leaving the hospital without my son was emotionally devastating. Don’t beat yourself up & think you need to stay with baby 24/7. It’s ok for you to enjoy the very few nights that you won’t be up a million times to take care of your baby. You need to rest & recover! Your not “just” recovering from a typical pregnancy & birth, which is hard enough already. Pre E is nasty, caused me mild heart damage that won’t go away. Feel your feelings, cry when you want. Scream your lungs out in the car when you’re away from baby. You’ll have so many emotions to work through. Be sure to talk about it. It’s ok to both love & hate the NICU nurses. I felt cheated out of the first few weeks of his life, thought he’d never love me or think of me as his mom, that he was too fragile & I’d hurt him, never learn to breastfeed, etc. Obviously none of these were true. Congrats on the upcoming arrival of your little one. That little baby will be a big old person before you know it.

 

[carson]

@katrina2017 Everything you said, I appreciate it so much. It’s nice to hear that feeling traumatized, sad, angry, all of the above, is okay. It’s also nice to hear that it’s okay to go home. We didn’t know what was “normal” and I’m sure for everyone that is different. But after being in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks by the time she’s here, I think being home for a little while will help me heal. I miss my cats. But at home I know I’ll miss my little one so much. But you’re right, I need time to heal and sleep, I would think I would feel a little better by the time baby comes home since I had time to recover.

You’re right there at the end too, she’s going to get so big so fast and time will fly. I’ll remember all of this, but be able to look back on it and it will all be a thing of the past.

Pre-E is definitely very serious, I’m sorry it’s affecting you even now. I tell people how easy my pregnancy was until week 30 when it all started to go downhill. It’s great to plan, but it’s even better to be adaptable too.

I’m so happy your baby is doing well

 

[katrina2017]

@carson You’re welcome. It was so nice to go home & shower in my own bathroom. See my big stupid dog & cat. I got sent to L&D from a regular doc visit. Then got stuck there for what felt like forever without any warning. But I felt like a horrible mom when I did find myself a little happy when I wasn’t at the hospital with my son. Which in retrospect is stupid because we need to be all the different kinds of healthy to be good parents.

 

[carson]

@katrina2017 Yes! The shower part, and just being in my own bed part is something I am really looking forward to. That’s how mine went too. I was admitted 2x and then sent home, went back on Friday morning and finally admitted for good since BP was so high and fluctuated like crazy. It’s been the longest 5ish days, and I look forward to getting things going, even though I know that itself will bring a whole new adventure on. I feel like I could feel the same about feeling horrible for enjoying myself at home, but I think it’s crucial for healing and recovery to make yourself healthy and ready for when baby does come home. I couldn’t imagine being here all day every day knowing I still can’t take baby home. I know she’ll be in good hands here, and my husband and I will visit often and be here for her. I am so excited to get to the day we’re all home together.

 

[aaron57]

@carson Please watch out for postpartum preeclampsia. I had to be readmitted the day after I left the hospital, even with blood pressure medication!

 

[lizabetta]

@carson Woot!!! You got your baby to 34 weeks! Great job, momma. It’s been said here but 34 weekers do so well, better than 35 and 36 weekers even sometimes (what the NICU NP told me).

I had two little 34 weekers and preE myself. Here’s what I wish I knew…

1) Vaginal birth is TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE, if you’re interested. We were able to induce and pushing within 36 hours and my recovery was more minor because of how tiny they were (twins here)! It sounds like you’re thinking of this option, and strangely it’s a great perk that the baby is smaller because you may be traveling to NICU/ walking around the hospital a lot and that’s going to be hard either way, I figured easier without surgery to recover from.

2) Likely, You’re going to be on a magnesium infusion because of pre E. It’s awful - feels like having the flu during labor. For me a lot of vomiting too. But the worst part is, you have to be on it I think 24-48 hours after you deliver. At my hospital, that means an RN has to accompany you to NICU and no one had time. After almost 12 hours I was sobbing for someone to please take me to my babies. Don’t let this be you. Do whatever you can to ask and have them plan in advance. Tell them it’s your goal to go to NICU whenever it is your goal, depending on how you’re doing. For me, I wished I had told them my goal was straight away so they at least were trying from the start. There is a sickening feeling of being separated from your baby… it still hurts me to this day. This too shall pass and make you appreciate the moments with them even more.

1. definitely soak up every moment of skin to skin that you can!
2. balance all of your goals for breast feeding, pumping, and helping with nicu cares with your own recovery. Once you’re discharged, no one will be looking out for your health but you (on hospital staff). Take care of yourself! Pre E is no joke. I had to be wheeled back to my room a time or two for suddenly getting unwell in NICU. The NICU nurses might forget you’re post partum or known little about your condition and ask you to do a lot of help w baby on your feet. Don’t! Tell them you’re resting as if you were in bed w baby for the first 7 days (or whatever your goal is).
3. Lactation Lactation Lactation! If you are interested in breastfeeding, ask for a pump to be brought to your room immediately after delivery. Baby will be in NICU and likely not ready to try breastfeeding. Hospitals are terrible about having pumps available and I didn’t get one for a long time. This matters! Now, the best part of NICU is that you’re going to get lots of help w breastfeeding if you’re planning on it. TAKE ADVANTAGE! If you’re not new to it, maybe you don’t but I needed every second of it, especially with my premies I was so scared to tire them out but they did awesome! They can really do it, it’s truly incredible!
4. If you’re coming to and fro, try to get a ride or have someone come with you. I was alone and walked so far from my car park and dragged a cooler of breast milk and I regretted it often bc I had less energy for babies. Easy to forget you’re post partum. Rest!
5. Try to enjoy it and keep the excitement and positivity as much as you can! It’s going to be hard but then such an amazing journey and I’m very optimistic that you and baby are both going to do awesome!

By the way, congratulations in advance!

 

[endsoftheearth]

@lizabetta Brilliant advice here.

I absolutely second that comment about getting dropped off by someone who can park the car for you. Walking is exhausting. Exhausted already means that walk is a lot.

Also get onto that lactation consultant. My baby was in an 6bed shared room by the time i was starting bf, and i made conversation with the LC whenever she was nearby. Always got another hint or could ask that small question I had thought about. It's a wealth to have an LC around the ward.

Talking of making conversation, chat with the other parents (or watch what they do). Great advice comes from those who have been there a while even if it's how to wave at the contactless washbasin. I swear, doing a figure of 8 at the sensor made such a difference once i knew the trick!

Try to bring a bit of you into nicu for baby to keep. If you play sport, bring a team scarf. If you paint, bring one youve finished for beside the bed. Bring your favourite book and read it outloud. Tell baby all about yourself.

Congratulations on getting to 34weeks!

 

[carson]

@lizabetta Thank you so much! I know, everyday that has passed over the last couple of weeks has been a victory, I’m so happy I’ll make it to Tuesday.

I’m hoping for vaginal birth. I will just have to hope my body will cooperate with induction. The magnesium does sound horrible, I’m a little nervous about the whole process.

I really appreciate the advice!

 

[senkaku]

@carson I also want to add that it's OK if you don't feel up to visiting your little one in the NICU while you are on the magnesium infusion. In addition to feeling like I had the flu, my nurse had to check my vitals every hour. It made it very hard to rest and recover from delivery. My husband spent time with our daughter in the NICU while I tried to rest. At the time, I felt like a horrible mother for not being with her in the first 24 hours, but you will have plenty of time to make up for it on the other side. Bottom line: do what works for you, and don't feel guilty about doing what you need to do to get through it all.

 

[forgivenofsins]

@carson If possible, have a primary nurse. I attended rounds most days but had questions about the terms so I asked our primary nurse and she kindly answered all of them.

Have one person designated as point person for family/friend communication. It can be difficult to answer the same questions again and again, especially when there isn't any update. We did a group chat for the family with pictures.

 

[carson]

@forgivenofsins Such good advice! I will try to have a primary nurse if I can, the staff here have been great so far, but hopefully I can have a go-to person. And I like the group chat idea too! I don’t want to have to be on my phone constantly answering the same questions from family members and others. Thank you!

 

[braesha]

@carson Set up a caring bridge for updates so you're not fielding calls all the time. Take it a day at a time. Don't compare your journey to others. Take a day off every so often.

 

[jsw3883]

@braesha A blog 100% but I don’t recommend caring bridge. They have so many ads begging for money that make it seem like they are supporting you when the money actually goes to them.

We set up a normal Wordpress blog with a real domain name so my parents could just direct everyone to birthwebsite.blog. I would recommend that or blog spot to avoid the caring bridge ads.

 

[carson]

@braesha Great advice. I definitely will. The last thing I want is to be bombarded with texts and calls just to end up saying the same thing. I feel like it’s so easy to compare yourself to others, I scroll this sub and sometimes I find it wonderful when I see other people’s success stories, but I have to tell myself everyone is different, and every baby is different.

 

[braesha]

@carson Also, if you can - get yourself some therapy for birth trauma. I never did (30+4 delivery for pre-e) and I wish I had. I'm doing better now but I think I could have been better sooner with some help.

 

[ahmed360]

@carson It’s long, I’m sorry. I am a NICU nurse and was for a couple of years before I had my babe (29w). Being on the other side was so different and I give some different advice to my parents now.

When they say it is like a roller coaster, that’s real! The good and the bad of it. You celebrate things one wouldn’t really think about in a typical birth/situation. You can feel an attachment to this tiny person and still feel like it isn’t your baby. That was such a weird feeling and it hurt me to feel that way.

Feeding. OMG, that was the “longest” part of our stay (and it is super common for others to say the same). Even if the timeline doesn’t actually make it the longest part, it sure feels that way. It should be easy, right? But it is often not. And that whole “one day it will just click” is one of the most annoying things said by everyone, but also true, which may have increased the annoyance factor, lol!

But no one really warned me how strong the post-trauma could be. It’s been a couple of years and sometimes it still hits hard. I only got to feel the movements for a short time, I was only just starting to really look pregnant and not just holiday-related fluffy, and no showers or celebrations were even planned yet. It barely felt like I was pregnant before I wasn’t anymore. The actual birth was also super traumatic and when the memories come back it can still take my breath (it was bad). My advice for that is to not suppress it. Even if you can get to Monday’s induction and everything goes beautifully, it still isn’t what you were expecting when you saw those 2 lines, and it’s okay to be sad about that. Don’t let anyone diminish your experience, yourself included.

 

[carson]

@ahmed360 Thank you so much for the advice! I think your story is really impactful, especially it being like a roller coaster. So many have said not to compare yourself to others, every baby is different. I am so sorry that your pregnancy was cut short. I said that I felt bad getting admitted at 32 weeks and I was in the midst of my nesting phase which I was really enjoying. I loved doing the nursery and working on having everything ready, but it’s okay and I know that no matter what she will have what she needs.

Yours is certainly an interesting perspective as you spent time caring for other NICU babies, but then on the other side of things really seeing what parents go through must have been quite an experience.

 

[ahmed360]

@carson It was definitely not my idea of a good time. But it did help give me more peace about going home knowing who was watching my baby and what to expect to get to go home, etc.

 

[zastaman]

@ahmed360 Wow, reading the last part of your post is like you took the words out of my head. I don't feel like I have the capacity to process my emotions, it all feels so very fragile right now. I hope that I get to one day work on that, too.