@goblue24 oh girl, yeah. one of my twins has a prettyyy flat head but i definitely don’t blame myself, because the sweet thing sleeps so well through the nights on her back in their hard bassinet.. i feel like it’s inevitable, even if she wasn’t a twin.. people do ALWAYS have unnecessary comments to make when it’s twins though.. i kinda dread introducing the twins to new people because of that. my MIL and her mother are coming this weekend to meet them, and i just know they’re going to say something about it. my twins also gaining weight very differently (about a pound and a half weight difference) and EVERYONE has something to say about that. news flash people: they’re individuals!
@goblue24 Sounds like mom guilt plus a personal lack of social awareness to me. She probably wanted you to reassure her back or be grateful for her “kind words”. When that didn’t happen she repeated herself hoping to get that reaction.
Sounds like a personality thing. I’d bet she does this with other stuff too.
@goblue24 She probably didn’t acknowledge the twin aspect because she still feels the mom guilt. She doesn’t have the same “excuse” so didn’t want to address it. It wasn’t her fault her child needed the helmet and it’s not yours either. But she probably internalized your explanation and didn’t like that she didn’t have a comparable explanation. Like an internal “well my children weren’t twins so I guess it’s my fault” kind of thing.
@jeff325 That's a really good point, I was saying it to explain that I didn't feel like it was my fault because I can't hold them both in a supportive way and it was inevitable. Dosent mean that that's what she heard or didn't have an internal commentary going.
@goblue24 You definitely weren’t in the wrong for explaining! You said outside of that bizarre conversation that you enjoy her as a person so I’m just giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to frame things in a different perspective. I think guilt can make people read into things.
@goblue24 I don't think she meant anything bad by it. I had a singleton before my twins so I totally get both points of view here. I think you're 100% right she needed someone to tell her that so she didn't want you to feel that way.
@goblue24 Interesting you posted this. I've had this thought that I haven't really acknowledged as well with my BFF who has a singleton two years older than my twins. She feels a lot of mommy guilt, and will say things to me in support if I complain about something random and or unprompted will echo what your friend said. Sometimes it throws me off because overall I realize in the long term its not going to be that big of deal etc.
I think as a parent of multiples there is just a ton of things that you just have to 'let it go' because logistically it will not happen and since we have two babies we can see and realize a lot of things parents obsess over is out of our control (like development both physical and mental.) Having twins, and boy/girl twin to boot, made me realize quickly that I cant compare babies. They are on their own path for the most part and I am just here to support and provide a stable loving foundation for them. I couldn't will their heads rounder anymore so then I could will who smiled or laughed at me first. It just is what it is.
@goblue24 My husband and I were having the helmet convo just this morning! He saw a post from a triplet parent on Instagram and all three had helmets, and he was like, “is it a genetic thing?” And I had to remind him that multiples just spend SO much more time in containers or laying flat in comparison to singleton counterparts, and that on top of that being born early and possible NICU stay doesn’t help either. And after I said it, he was like “oh duh, I’m so dumb”
There’s just so much MORE with twins. Singleton parents with two close in age are closer to understanding, but also still far away. And those who only have one kid? Well they are on a different planet of understanding. Maybe I feel that more as someone with newborn ones currently. But it’s just that you accept that the ideal Instagram influencer parenting where you make organic baby food from scratch, cloth diaper, tandem bf until 2, AND never have your baby in a container is NOT the normal twin parenting. It’s all about priorities and getting basic needs met first and then IF and only IF there’s extra bandwidth that you don’t use for yourself to sleep, that maybe one of those extra lists will be done if they are your priority.
@goblue24 Yes. People CANNOT help themselves when it comes to pregnancy and the newborn phase. I promised myself that I wouldn’t relate everything back to myself, but I still find myself doing it.
@katrina2017 I think its pretty natural in conversation to bring up personal experiences, unsolicited advice is the stuff that sucks lol. So far with parenting talk, sometimes just hearing other people's experiences can help with a future situation, in a positive or negative light!
I had been meaning to message her about the helmet thing before but had never gotten around to it. It was nice to ask her questions and hear how it went for her first born, which I was desperately trying to keep the conversation in that vain lol.
@goblue24 The helmet people will tell you this: The prevalence of helmets has increased since safe sleep standards became what they are. Combine that with the fact that multiples are often born lower weight and/or earlier than singletons, you bet they get flat heads easier. They are predisposed to it. It's no one's fault. If anything it's a sign you're doing a lot of what's right for them.
@goblue24 My first (singleton) had a helmet and the doctors were very adamant that it wasn’t our fault. So maybe she’s just repeating what the doctors told her to you?
@goblue24 It's just a thing that happens to some kids, twins or not. I think she's probably still feeling guilt from it. I think twin parents are more chill about knowing we can't prevent some things. The twin parent community is so much more supportive than singletons, who everyone assumes has screwed up something by not holding their kid when this happens to them.
@goblue24 I don’t think this is a multiples vs. singleton thing honestly. It sounds like her intentions were good but she wasn’t reading your cues well. I don’t think she needed to acknowledge how much harder twins vs. singles are - something I think our community is quick to jump on.
@timothythe2nd She for sure wasn't reading cues well lol, and her intentions were coming from a positive place.
The reason I bring the twin aspect into it isn't because they're harder but as an explanation that there's 2 of them and 1 of me for most of the day. Which is a big reason why they ended up with the flat head situation, which is out of my control, once again not happy for it but not beating myself up.
I think in my mind if she had acknowledged that part I would have felt better about the 15 other times she told me it wasn't my fault. Like said "Oh yeah, that's a good point, you can't hold both at the same time!" And we would have been all good.
@goblue24 I guess from her perspective: her kid had a flat head too and she only had one. So maybe she felt hurt that you were insinuating the only reason yours have an issue is because there are two but if you’d just had one you could have held them more and prevented it? Respectfully, seems like a lot of over-analyzing.
@goblue24 There is specifically a 'connection' between flat-head and neglect, to the point where my health visitor argued that the correlation between flat-head and needing special ed in school (there is a correlation, yes) are likely both symptoms of the same thing: neglect at home, rather than cause and effect. So that perception of it is why people respond that way..
Realistically though, twins or not, it is SUPER common now because of safe sleep. All babies sleep on their back, regardless of what you do with them during the day that is a hell of a lot of time on their backs = flat heads. Previous generations slept on their fronts, so if they got flat-head it meant they were spending ridiculous amounts of time on their backs outside of bedtime.
@goblue24 I think you're probably seeing too far into her comments. It bugged you that she didn't aknowledge that twins are different... how could she know? If she would have said her 11 months apart babies were just like twins, you (and all of us) would have tilted. Because people speak on their experiences... she was probably made to feel like her kid's helmet situation was her fault and needed to avoid another mama to feel the same by over driving her point. It happens a lot.
Aside from that, out of two singletons and twins, the one kid that was borderline needing a helmet but three specialists couldn't agree so he didn't get one, was a singleton, and not my first either. His position in the womb combined with the time spent in the canal before finally making his way out (with a 99th percentile head and a luxed shoulder) made it so it took for fucking ever to correct the situation. I heard it ALL from everyone, but one thing stuck.
my MIL and her mother are coming this weekend to meet them, and i just know they’re going to say something about it. my twins also gaining weight very differently (about a pound and a half weight difference) and EVERYONE has something to say about that. news flash people: they’re individuals!