What chores can I give my 15 year old daughter that will take about an hour?

[chang]

My daughter is a straight A student, and does really well socially. But I am sick and tired of her sense of entitlement and irresponsible behavior at home. I admit that I have let things slide and get put of hand, but I am not convinced that all is lost. Today she was home for 6 hours by herself, and did NOTHING. Granted, she was with her little brother who is 5, when I asked her what she did all day, she said she was up in her room with him, then she took a nap. She didn't even give him a snack. Her reason would probably be there he didn't ask for one

To give you an example, She cleaned her room 2 days ago, and it's a complete mess again. Clothes and shoes on the floor and all over the place. I don't even know how she sleeps at night with the mess that's on her bed. Yesterday I left for 2 hours for an activity at my son's school and gave her a list of 5 things to do that would have taken no more than 10 minutes. Taking out the garbage was one of them, and when I got home, she had only done 3. When I question her about things, she makes excuses for herself and seems to not think there's anything wrong.

Example:

Me: Does your friend's room look this messy?
Her: no its clean
Me: ok
Her: but I clean it before people come over, how do I know they aren't doing the same thing?

Me in my head : THATS NOT THE FUCKING POINT!!

Today she is at a halloween party. I told her from now on if she doesn't take care her responsibilities at home, she will no longer be allowed to do ___ (record music, go out with friends, etc.)

I have reason to believe she is not all there mentally, as in she can't read between the lines, takes everything literal word for word..so if I say "take out the garbage" She needs me to say "put the garbage in the big black garbage can and roll it out to the curb".
But this is exhausting. She also diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD.

I want to give her a list of chores that will take her a while to complete so that she stays focused on the tasks and doesn't end up in her room doing nothing. I'm a single mom who works full-time and I also have a five-year-old. I am exhausted at the end of the day, and she gets home 2 hours before I do on a work day. Please help.

 

[ralf624]

@chang Fifteen is tough. They can't work, they can't drive, and they are totally content with their electronic umbilical cord. Neurologically, they have a hard time seeing past themselves. I wish I had a great response to this, but I can tell you what I let go of: their room.
I let the room go except for weekly cleanups. The internet doesn't go on Sunday mornings until the beds are stripped and remade, the floor is clear, the trash is thrown out, and the laundry is running. They have to fold and put it away later or it goes off again. This takes about 15 minutes.
All my other chores for them are little: put away groceries, empty the dishwasher, shark the floors.
I guess I just favor short bursts and instant gratification. I think they feel better about getting something done.

 

[chang]

@ralf624 I haven't nornally made a big deal about her room, but I feel it's almost ridiculous at this point. There is sometimes no walking room becasue of so much clothes on the floor. She definitly has enough furniture and room for everything to be put away. Sometimes I help her and it takes about an hour to do.

And yes, not working, not driving seem to be a big issue, since she does want to make money and can't.

 

[konsciencia]

@chang I have 3 teenagers and a 9 yr old. They have their chores which are cleaning their room, doing their own laundry, and picking up their own stuff around the house. Then I have them rotate weekly drying dishes(no dishwasher), taking trash out, and wiping down bathrooms. Then they have a choice to earn money. $5 an hour, they mow the lawn, wash dishes, vacuum, wash windows and mop. Or, whatever else I can think of if anything else needs to be done. If they aren't doing their own chores then they start loosing phones, going out, Xbox. This way they are still contributing to the house/family, but can still earn some extra money to buy whatever they want. So far it has been working well. They always want to buy stuff, so I usually have at least one of them working and it helps me around here.

 

[chang]

@konsciencia Thank you,
Sounds like a good idea I'll have to try.

 

[danny7995]

@konsciencia I do something similar with my kids. I made a weekly chore chart on a dry erase board. If they don't do their assigned chores, they don't get their allowance. If they do half their chores, they get half their allowance. If they do extra stuff beyond the chart, they get paid per chore.

I don't take stuff away from them for not doing their chores, aside from their allowance money. I'm working fulltime & going to school fulltime so I have neither the time nor the energy to fight with them about crap that really doesn't matter in the long run. Their bedroom is their problem but they're not allowed food or drink, other than water, in there because they drew fruit flies & roaches over the summer. I'm sure they sneak stuff in when I'm not around & I honestly don't even care because they're smart enough to dispose of the evidence.

You (OP) need to step back & look at the big picture, here. Your children will be moved out before you know it. You'll regret spending so much energy on this that could have/should have been spent on your kids. A clean house is nowhere near as important as a healthy relationship with your kids. Stop getting on her about all this little stuff. You don't want her remembering her teen years as the time period Mom spent up her ass about cleaning.

 

[david90]

@chang I would not ask her to do an hour worth of chores at once. She will get bored, quick and NEVER do them. Believe me, my daughter is 14. Can she start dinner some nights (if you trust her with that).

 

[chang]

@david90 Ok, maybe not an hour straight, but something, like maybe a list of things for her to do.

I rarely ask her to do much..

Load/unload dishwasher
Wipe off the table
Put laundry away
Give her brother a bath

I don't make her cook, do dishes, scrub anything or bathrooms, etc. None of the heavy stuff. I just feel lost.

 

[layner]

@chang I don't have kids - if I my post should be removed, I'm sorry and so be it.

That said, I had the grossest, messiest room as a 15 year old girl. It was a den of filth and I was often very upset and frustrated and frankly confused about it. I got even more upset and frustrated when my parents snarked at me. I felt very grateful that I could occasionally ask my mother to help and it really would be a helping collaborative process, not her doing it for me while I watched.

When I was about 17 I started making my bed every day and then the mess at least lived on my made bed, not the floor.

When I was about 19 and at university, I wasn't clean but I was tidy.

I'm now 26, live in my own flat, and love keeping it clean and tidy. It gives me great joy to see my visitors' faces light up when they see it.

So much for rooms - my point is pick your battles and maybe not that battle.

I love the suggestion in this thread about turning internet off on Sunday mornings until some basic chores are done.

The other thing that I didn't see in your post, although maybe you just didn't mention it, is telling her BY WHEN you want something done. You mentioned those five things - what if you'd said "I want this done by 3pm" and than not mentioned it again until 3:01pm? I just remember all those midnights where one parent or the other stormed into my room angry that I hadn't vacuumed the bathroom/emptied the dishwasher/taken out the compost and my logic was simply "I'll do it before I go to sleep". I didn't know they wanted me to do it by 10pm.

So I guess my two main points, if you aren't doing them already, are:

• focus your attention everywhere but the room. That's her space to explore adulthood. You can model how tidiness and hygiene works by incorporating her in tasks all over the rest of the house.
• give her deadlines.

 

[chang]

@layner Thank you this is very helpful. I do help her at times, and she seems to appreciate it. I can understand how having to clean a messy room creates more anxiety, because she has no idea where to start. Deadlines are definitely something I have never thought about.

 

[anita5050]

@chang She does two chores a day-that’s it.

The importance of the chores are more long term learning skills.

My kids a total slob. She pours a glass of milk splashes it s all over the counter and walks away.

If I find it- I go get her and make he wipe it up immediately.

If she doesn’t do the chores blatantly- she loses items. (ie her phone) or certain apps.

Food is not allowed in bedrooms.
I am a stay at home mom so I do a fair amount of chores around the house. (Like laundry) however all laundry is to be brought down.

I honestly don’t care if she likes her chores.

She has to do them anyways.

There have been days I have had to stand there and babysit her doing them- however we encourage doing them with music or something that makes them easier.

We opted to not do a 504 because I don’t feel like it will prep her for the real world where they don’t care if you are AD(H)D.

Her school is pretty project based too- and she struggles in the classes where she has to actually do work (like math) where it’s not just memorizing or grouping with others.

Consistency is THE MOST important thing for a person with ADD.

It’s taken us six months to get her into a rhythm of getting them done- and she’s in colorguard but that is thankfully over (for now) so it’s a bit easier.

When I find socks scattered about the house I pick them all up and place them in her lap and make her deal with them appropriately.

But I also reward little things she does.

I thank her after she does all her chores.
I appreciate her effort to help keep the house in order.
It feels weird to thank someone for these things but the reality is they need some affirmation that they are helping to do their part too.

 

[chang]

@anita5050 Thank you, this is really helpful.

 

[samsonrise]

@chang My 15 year olds are now responsible for cleaning the kitchen. I honestly hate doing it but it needs to be done daily and I decided it would be a good chore for my kids. We have a house cleaner so besides keeping their rooms at a basic level of cleanliness (which is an ongoing battle) they don’t need to do much in the way of vacuuming, dusting etc. I’ve found I need to make my expectations really clear about what all needs to be done. Otherwise they will do the dishes but leave the counters and sink a mess. They are also responsible for doing their own laundry and additional chores on an occasional basis (usually yard work). If they complain I remind them that all members of a household need to do their part. They also occasionally cook dinner - I should have them do that more often as it’s a good skill to develop.

 

[christianx19]

@chang My son cleans his room, bathroom, and sweeps and mops the main level of the house every other weekend (he goes to his dad's on alternate weekends). He's 15 age I pay him 25 bucks each weekend that he does this. Works out for both of us.

 

[nbooi]

@chang This may make you feel better ... after ready yours I feel worse ! I have two teenage girls and one 11 yr old son . My 18 yr old daughter sounds a bit like your 15 yr old daughter .
My 18yr old has been diagnosed with ADHD as well and does very well at school as well. However , her social skills are not as great . I think I did too much for them over the years because I felt terrible for them due to a very difficult divorce from there father . ( whom they have no contact with by there own choice ) It was an awful situation and I felt they dealt with too much stress so I always did everything because I wanted them to use all the time they had on being happy .
After 14 years things have calmed down and I’ve tried to focus on them being responsible and it’s been so hard . I’ve been working more and trying to get our finances on track and get them to clean up after themselves . Clean a bathroom once a week, clean and vacuum there room . My 18yr old little seems to be completely incompetent at doing these tasks . I seem to get the same response as you do . Like I have to go step by step . So I did , I showed her exactly how to clean a bathroom and vacuum . She refused to watch my demonstration because I was being ridiculous. I remind her every day or week she needs to get it done or I won’t pay for her phone . She says the more I bug her the less she feels like doing it .... yet she doesn’t do it and then says she didn’t have time . Even though she spent the day doing nothing . I’m so busy now and I need them to do things and they expect me to do everything and work and sleep , Drive them everywhere . I just can’t do it all and now our relationship is breaking down . They say I’m angry all the time. I get frustrated but shouldn’t I?
I feel like if I make them be responsible for chores I am risking them not telling me when they need a mom . If I say no I can’t drive you , I have to make dinner or rest or I just need a day I don’t have to do anything, I’m the worst parent that ever existed . I know teenagers are difficult , I feel like I just can’t do anything right . They leave messes in the kitchen all the time and I try to follow through , hold them accountable . I shit off the wifi once and they literally started planning to move out !
I know they suffer from anxiety and maybe depression . I try and talk about that but for whatever reason enforcing chores have caused an extreme disruption . I don’t think I’m asking too much of them . Am I? I do take responsibility for not having them do it at all before but I can’t seem to fix it now . I’m not sure what’s more important , keeping the lines of communication open or enforcing basic independence .

 

[david90]

@chang I know; It can be hard. ((((Hugs))))

 

[notbob]

@chang Have you framed it as proving she's responsible enough for driving and working for pay? That might motivate her some. I would also focus on shared areas of the house and not her room. Get her to write up a list of task expectations and the desired endpoints with your input. Let her do the task her own way so long as the goal is accomplished. She needs to feel ownership and a sense of accomplishment. I never wanted to help growing up because it felt futile when my results were always criticized.

 

[chang]

@notbob I never criticize, I always say thank you. I even help her sometimes.
I've tried to talk to her about responsibility. Things like telling her she needs to prove __ before she can do ___.

But I will see about letting her choose and prioritize.

She is quite complicated. I never had these issues with my oldest. But my 15 year old is different. Not only is it the chores, but a variety of other things too. The way she treats her brother, her attitude towards me, her lack of accountability when something goes wrong. She always blames someone else or comes up with an excuse.

She's going to therapy next week. I hope that, in addition to the suggestions here will spark something in her.

 

[notbob]

@chang Ask the therapist if both of you can take the Meyers Briggs test. It is a well known personality test (not diagnose disorders) I had difficulty with my parents and took this before I got married. It helped me understand that my brain works very differently from my parents. Understanding your personality differences may help u communicate better. Knowing I'm unusual has helped me be patient with people who are different.

 

[chang]

@notbob She took it in school as part of a class.
Hers is ENFP
outgoing, creative, perceiving, flexible, adaptable, charismatic, curious,

Challenges: need time alone, dont do well with routine tasks, disorganized, easily bored, emotional, poor practical skills, inability to focus, overthink, easily stressed

Now I will take the test.