The thing that’s been giving me nightmares, the announcement that I just KNEW was coming but couldn’t seem to emotionally prepare myself for no matter how hard I tried.
My sister in law (who is almost 7 years younger than me) and her brand new husband (who is 10 years younger) announced their pregnancy at Christmas dinner yesterday.
They’ve only been trying for two months.
They’ve now officially gotten engaged, got married, moved in together and gotten pregnant. In. One. Year.
And what do I have to show for 3+ years of praying, hoping, trying, testing, crying, mourning for a baby?
Well, besides all of the above …. a cancer scare, self-doubt, an anxiety disorder, nightmares, piles of the most negative pregnancy tests you could possibly imagine, a very strict vitamin routine, months of being in tip top health down to months of not giving a single F and pure indulgence (I.e too much drinking, and with that regret at possibly wasting opportunities to get pregnant “this time”) an unhealthy googling habit & and over awareness of symptoms and body changes. Oh, did I mention crippling anxiety?
But also… patience. More than I ever thought I possessed. Strength. Realizing the amazing support system I have in my husband. An amazing sex life (most of the time). Love, I still have so much love to give. And hope. Sometimes.
I knew this was going to be tough.
Once I let it really start to process, I told myself I need to be happy, and positive. I can’t let myself feel the way I’m feeling because that’s wrong. It makes me selfish and unkind. But I’m not. I know that.
And so I’m going to let myself feel the way I’m feeling.
Am I happy for them ? At the moment, no.
But I will be. Hell, on top of being an aunt and uncle for the first time we may even be godparents. And that would be an honour.
But right now I’m grieving and that’s okay. Grieving for the what if’s. Grieving for my husband, who cried in the car with me on the drive home last night (maybe the best thing that came out of this was that we shared that moment together. I love the shit out of him, truly).
WHY not us?
That was supposed to be our announcement.
Not that they don’t deserve it because of course they do! They’re good people.
But we have gone through SO much to get to that point. We’ve got it all together. How can I not feel like this is supposed to be our time?
A few months ago I had so much certainty that it was finally going to happen. I had such a clear picture of finding out I’m pregnant, announcing it, giving birth, naming our baby, having a family. Now I can’t even visualize those two damn lines. It seems impossible.
In the midst of my tears I actually had to ask my husband “Can you even picture me being pregnant and us having a baby?” And he reassured me, of course. And he brought a little bit of that hope back. Which I’m grateful for.
I’m just sad. I’m tired. I’m selfish. I’m lonely.
For anyone who is in the same boat and has stuck with me to the end of this post to get through the mess of my emotions. Thank you. And I see you.
Somehow we will all get through this, stronger and more resilient than ever. And hopefully with a tiny version of ourselves. Who looks up at us with wonder and amazement. Who we can share our love, kindness and knowledge with. Who will love and trust us unconditionally. Who will call us “mom and dad”.
My sister in law (who is almost 7 years younger than me) and her brand new husband (who is 10 years younger) announced their pregnancy at Christmas dinner yesterday.
They’ve only been trying for two months.
They’ve now officially gotten engaged, got married, moved in together and gotten pregnant. In. One. Year.
And what do I have to show for 3+ years of praying, hoping, trying, testing, crying, mourning for a baby?
Well, besides all of the above …. a cancer scare, self-doubt, an anxiety disorder, nightmares, piles of the most negative pregnancy tests you could possibly imagine, a very strict vitamin routine, months of being in tip top health down to months of not giving a single F and pure indulgence (I.e too much drinking, and with that regret at possibly wasting opportunities to get pregnant “this time”) an unhealthy googling habit & and over awareness of symptoms and body changes. Oh, did I mention crippling anxiety?
But also… patience. More than I ever thought I possessed. Strength. Realizing the amazing support system I have in my husband. An amazing sex life (most of the time). Love, I still have so much love to give. And hope. Sometimes.
I knew this was going to be tough.
Once I let it really start to process, I told myself I need to be happy, and positive. I can’t let myself feel the way I’m feeling because that’s wrong. It makes me selfish and unkind. But I’m not. I know that.
And so I’m going to let myself feel the way I’m feeling.
Am I happy for them ? At the moment, no.
But I will be. Hell, on top of being an aunt and uncle for the first time we may even be godparents. And that would be an honour.
But right now I’m grieving and that’s okay. Grieving for the what if’s. Grieving for my husband, who cried in the car with me on the drive home last night (maybe the best thing that came out of this was that we shared that moment together. I love the shit out of him, truly).
WHY not us?
That was supposed to be our announcement.
Not that they don’t deserve it because of course they do! They’re good people.
But we have gone through SO much to get to that point. We’ve got it all together. How can I not feel like this is supposed to be our time?
A few months ago I had so much certainty that it was finally going to happen. I had such a clear picture of finding out I’m pregnant, announcing it, giving birth, naming our baby, having a family. Now I can’t even visualize those two damn lines. It seems impossible.
In the midst of my tears I actually had to ask my husband “Can you even picture me being pregnant and us having a baby?” And he reassured me, of course. And he brought a little bit of that hope back. Which I’m grateful for.
I’m just sad. I’m tired. I’m selfish. I’m lonely.
For anyone who is in the same boat and has stuck with me to the end of this post to get through the mess of my emotions. Thank you. And I see you.
Somehow we will all get through this, stronger and more resilient than ever. And hopefully with a tiny version of ourselves. Who looks up at us with wonder and amazement. Who we can share our love, kindness and knowledge with. Who will love and trust us unconditionally. Who will call us “mom and dad”.
in 2024 will be our turn. Hugs.
. I really do love this kid he’s like a brother to me but I told him in no uncertain terms to not ever do that again to me or anyone else.