Ttc for about 2 years and I’m irrationally angry

M

marty1983

New member
My husband and I have been ttc on and off for about two years now. I personally have gotten to the point where I am just irrationally angry all the time. I hate it. The problem is is im not necessarily mad at anything in particular. Im angry at the tests (like it’s their fault). im angry at every dr I have seen bc they just keep telling me to lose weight (which I have obsessively tried with nothing happening). Im mad at my husband bc it feels like he doesn’t understand (which I know he does bc he tears up at the bfn tests too). Im mad at my best friend bc she gets pregnant so easily (which totally isn’t her fault) And im angry at myself bc I feel like it’s my fault (which I understand is dumb and it’s not my fault)
I’m at a complete loss. I’m heart broken and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else felt this way? Bc I feel like it’s just me which is just making me feel more alone.
 
@marty1983 Have you been seeing a therapist? If not, it would be something to consider. I wouldn’t have been able to survive any of this without my therapist, and even then, I still struggle with some of the negative emotions that join the TTC party.
 
@marty1983 Once I had a similar anger and a therapist told me to come up with an image for the anger. Then she told me to come up with an image of what could protect myself from the anger. I imagined the anger as me holding fire in my hands. And the protection I imagined was me wearing fire resistant gloves. When I got angry, I’d imagine my gloves. And that helped calm me. She told me it was about not letting the anger hurt me!
 
@marty1983 So sorry you’re struggling and feeling this way.

We’ve been trying since 2019 so I can empathize.,I’ve found the subreddit infertility to be a really supportive community for anyone who have been TTC for awhile.

The weight thing.. have you been to an RE? I was having the opposite issue of losing weight unintentionally. Turned out I had an undiagnosed autoimmune disease. Now that I’m managing it, we’re currently pursuing fertility treatment. Perhaps there are underlying conditions?

Sending you an internet hug.
 
@marty1983 We’ve been TTC for a year and a half and I’ve been doing acupuncture for like 6 months. All the testing came up normal and now we’ve been given the diagnosis of “unexplained infertility”. I’m angry, but mostly I’m just so depressed. I can feel myself falling into a bad depression over this and am exhausted and sad. Every milestone, no matter how small, makes me feel worse. Like yesterday was my half birthday…I never think about half birthdays! But now it’s like, oh, I’m halfway to 33 - no chance of having a baby at 32 anymore and I wanted my first child by 30. Anyway Al this is to say that I get it and I’m sorry
 
@marty1983 Anger is a totally valid emotion and there's nothing wrong with feeling it. Is it a productive emotion? No. But does every emotion need to be? Also no.

Anger all the time isn't healthy, but sometimes it's totally okay to feel anger against this very heartbreaking, unfair process.

I feel you, and you're definitely not alone.
 
@marty1983 I’m sure you’ve done this already, but just in case - have you had your thyroid levels checked? You may have hypothyroidism, which makes it extremely difficult to lose any weight at all. Getting your thyroid under control also helps with regulating other hormones that help you conceive. It may be something to consider if you haven’t already.
 
@marty1983 Is it close to being on the low side but not actually out of range? And did they do all the tests associated with thyroid? I ask because I highly suspect thyroid to be my problem, but because I’m only .01 away from being in the official “low” range they won’t seem to treat me. I suspect the range isn’t applicable to me, and maybe something is going on with you. PCOS can also be mild and cause weight gain. If you can see an endocrinologist I do recommend!
 
@marty1983 I can definitely relate to that feeling of anger and it being both directionless and yet targeting everything. My therapist actually was the person to advise me reaching out to some online forums because sometimes really the only people who can get it are people going through the same thing. As well intentioned as he (my therapist) was, he admitted that he couldn’t give me something to take the pain and anger away. Struggling to conceive IS painful and hard, and anger is a natural to that. I’ve found venting can sometimes be enough, not a cure, but it does feel better to just say it all. All the angry and jealous thoughts, just letting it out into the universe and hearing yourself say it out loud can be a way of letting it go.

I would say though to find the people you feel safe doing that with. Last night I had dinner with a friend and after crying about my struggles with conceiving she told me that it was her first month trying and she was already 5 days late. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking a different language when people seem to keep just. Not. Getting. It. So I say vent away my dear, you deserve happiness and it is not ok how unfair TTC is. If you have that kind of humour sometimes r/trollingforababy helps me laugh when I’m angry.
 
@marty1983 I'm at 2.5 years ttc. Just now got actual test results that make sense. I went to a fertility clinic and we got the results but aren't jumping into IUI/IVF just yet.

But, I totally get how you're feeling. It's a feeling that you feel all the time and it carries over into everything in your life. You've probably tried this, but we took a break ttc. I stopped temping and using OPKs for a month, and the next month I just didn't temp. I felt a little less crazy and others having babies hurt a little less because we weren't actively trying. I don't know if this is something that could help you or if you've already tried it.

I hate that you're feeling this way, because there is little you can do to actually feel better. I had to let go, but I don't know if that will work for you. Just know how you feel is understandable and okay and we are here for you! 🥰
 
@marty1983 My best friend also gets pregnant so easily, she cried to me because it happened first go & she was shocked. I’m here waiting for my next ovulation induction cycle (this one was unsuccessful) after years of infertility. I feel that anger.
 
@marty1983 Those feelings are so common and you're not alone. You seem to be able to very rationally explain them. Definitely a sign of maturity. Don't feel bad about these feelings. You're doing your best. Your husband sounds supportive. Maybe get a coffee, go for a walk or drive with him and just tell him your feelings. Make sure he understands that you don't want him to try to solve the problem, just to listen and commiserate. It has always worked well in my 12 year marriage.
 
@marty1983 I got super angry watching the dropout

Spoiler

The show is like yeah she's this super terrible person, defrauded people, medically endanger people....and her trial got delayed because she got pregnant. Like the universe just here rewarding psychopaths
 
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