@benzohar I know this comment may not align with some of your viewpoints, but this is my opinion on the matter, take it as you will.
Your child is nearly 2 years old. It seems by your post that you are trying to let him lead you, in that, when he gets upset, you allow him to set the boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Children learn how to manipulate their parents to get what they want. In this case, perhaps its attention, to be soothed or to have you cave and give him whatever it is he was crying about. Of course there are times where you as a parent should allow yourself to soothe him, but on the other hand, you cannot allow your child to manipulate the situation like he is doing. The fact that you are constantly giving snacks to ensure he isn't hungry makes me think that your redirection may well be rewarding poor behaviors. He gets snacks throughout the day when he may not need them, he gets used to rewards being used as redirection for his tantrums.
If I were in your shoes, I would set strict boundaries. Time outs are powerful. Taking away privileges like playing with a certain toy or not getting desert can go a long way towards teaching a child that there are consequences for their actions. The most important tool I believe that a parent has at their disposal is "follow through". No, you don't need to spank in order to discipline, however, if you ever threaten to do something like give a time out or revoke a privilege, DO IT if your child does not listen the first time. None of this "stop doing that, or im gonna count to one, two, three - what did I just say? (Then you give your child options for how to navigate their poor behavior)"
In my opinion, a young child only has two options s during a tantrum. Either do what the parents say, or don't. The child has a choice to disobey, but they should be taught that disobedience has consequences, and that if they continue to act out, mom and dad will impose those consequences. Conversely, kids learn that listening to what mom and dad say leads them to a more favorable outcome in the long run. Your kid is young, so it will take some time for him to really get the hint, especially since he has acquired the understanding that he is allowed to test your patience to its limits.
When giving a time out, sometimes you just need to let your kid cry it out. I can't remember how many times as a kid I was sent to my room in the throes of a tantrum, only to cry enough to start calming down once I got it all out of my system. It sucked in the moment, but once I calmed myself down my mom would come and talk to me then in order to help me understand why I was given a punishment and how I can improve my behavior. You are the parent. You must assert yourself otherwise your young child will learn that by asserting himself during tantrums, you will cave in and there will be no punishment for clearly poor behavior.
Again I'm sure some of this goes against your views, but I wanted to share my 2 cents.
