Toddler tantrums are ruining my life
- Thread starter benzohar
- Start date
@benzohar My kid is 2.5 and I feel this. My sister is an ECE professional and she says that when kids get really upset/tantrumming their higher order brain isn't working. They're in full on animalistic flight mode and cannot be reasoned with which is why things like threatening privileges or time outs often don't work. They literally cannot follow your reasoning.
In the moment, I draw whatever boundaries I need to keep my kid and people around safe. So if he's threatening to run into traffic or hit someone then sorry kid I'm holding you even if you thrash and scream harder. If we're at home I'll put him in a safe place and leave the room. I also find the screaming triggering so I avoid it. When we're at home he'll sometimes finish his tantrum and then come find me and ask for a snack lol
When he's not throwing a tantrum, I'll model or play act different things. Like situations earlier where he was frustrated or upset. I'll let him correct my behaviour and we'll talk in a toddler fashion about what we can do when we're upset. Getting him to recognise and name his feelings helps a ton. About half of the time he'll say "Mama I'm mad!" And I'm able to figure out why and head off the tantrum.
I will say 15-22 months was the most challenging time for me with my kiddo so far. Like I said he's 2.5 years and things have been improving as we've hit 2. The more he can communicate the easier time I have managing personally
In the moment, I draw whatever boundaries I need to keep my kid and people around safe. So if he's threatening to run into traffic or hit someone then sorry kid I'm holding you even if you thrash and scream harder. If we're at home I'll put him in a safe place and leave the room. I also find the screaming triggering so I avoid it. When we're at home he'll sometimes finish his tantrum and then come find me and ask for a snack lol
When he's not throwing a tantrum, I'll model or play act different things. Like situations earlier where he was frustrated or upset. I'll let him correct my behaviour and we'll talk in a toddler fashion about what we can do when we're upset. Getting him to recognise and name his feelings helps a ton. About half of the time he'll say "Mama I'm mad!" And I'm able to figure out why and head off the tantrum.
I will say 15-22 months was the most challenging time for me with my kiddo so far. Like I said he's 2.5 years and things have been improving as we've hit 2. The more he can communicate the easier time I have managing personally
seawolf1957
New member
salvationislord
New member
@benzohar Iām so sorry this is where youāre at the moment. Youāre not alone. My boy was the same way once he turned two. I knew in my gut that this wasnāt just something heād magically grow out of. Meltdowns were sometimes close to an hour.
Heās now four, and he has HUGE emotions. Feels things so deeply. Weāre looking into High Sensitive Person (HSP) and weāre currently working with a play therapist to help him. This has been a journey filled with such despair, pain, and tears, as weāve sought to understand him. But, joy is coming and coming more frequently.
Make yourself a priority. I know it is so hard when theyāre little. And it may not be possible to physically leave to go somewhere and chill. But carving out an hour every few evenings for yourself and doing something you. Journaling the good in your child helps as well. Just listing even one thing, every day. Hang in there, this does get easier, but itās a marathon.
Heās now four, and he has HUGE emotions. Feels things so deeply. Weāre looking into High Sensitive Person (HSP) and weāre currently working with a play therapist to help him. This has been a journey filled with such despair, pain, and tears, as weāve sought to understand him. But, joy is coming and coming more frequently.
Make yourself a priority. I know it is so hard when theyāre little. And it may not be possible to physically leave to go somewhere and chill. But carving out an hour every few evenings for yourself and doing something you. Journaling the good in your child helps as well. Just listing even one thing, every day. Hang in there, this does get easier, but itās a marathon.
@salvationislord Thank-you for the kind words and great advice. Honestly I've meant to journal and just keep putting it off for sleep lol. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little hsp as well, that's definitely something we will look into if this keeps going.
@benzohar Could you walk through a typical meltdown and what different things you tried?
So I remember the nearly 2, and freshly 2 period to be very painful in handling kiddoās emotions. For us it was a combo of kiddo being remarkably articulate for his age, but still being his age therefore not always able to express himself. With his language skills being surprisingly good, we often made the mistake of expecting older kid maturity and behavior from him so there was a lot of expectation adjustment on our end. Thereās also the typical emotional things as they go out and experience the world and the frustration they get as they work to figure it out.
Sometimes the tantrum will just be that longā¦ Iāve heard of some parents dealing with hour long tantrums. Sometimes itās just weathering the storm.
So for me itās sort of like a decision tree I had to tune inside my head based on how well I know my kiddo and where we are. Ie itās evening so I know heās likely tired, Iām not gonna try to reason with him, if itās an easy thing to cave on, then cave, if itās a boundary Iāve decided wonāt be crossed, Iāll hold and comfort him or at least sit near him or try to distract with something else (preferably high value that heāll really like). If weāre fresh in the morning and heās eaten well, Iāll try to talk him through the logic behind why or why not XYZ. If itās something that can be fixed, like spilled milk, Iāll try to involve him in fixing it (ie oh no! I see youāre sad about the spilled milk, do you want more? What should we do about this mess? Where are the towels? You can try holding the cup again, this time letās hold it against the table so it doesnāt slosh). If heās gone way past the point of no return, I get him to a safe place and just try to be there for him while trying to find something distracting. My husband for the longest time found that taking him outside to look at the cars driving by worked really well. If you are breastfeeding, apply magic boob.
I wonāt lie, we definitely relied on bluey and Daniel tiger far more than I would have liked to snap him out of it.
If we had to just weather it out, I try to talk about it during bedtime. At that time, I found daily morning planning and evening debriefs have really helped where we talk about the day, how we feel about it, how to handle different situations better the next time, etc. I made sure to let him take as much time as he needed to expressed himself, and also fully express myself to him (like if Iām feeling tired today or something made me frustrated)
The biggest most helpful thing I had to learn was just how to find my own inner zen so that I donāt get dragged into the turmoil of emotions heās experiencing and for him to see that Iām completely unaffected and maybe get his mirror neurons to kick in. Back then, my husband and I did a lot of tapping in tapping out. If I could feel myself ready to snap, Iāll swap with hubs and vice versa. Gonna be a lot harder now with our second kiddo. I think hanging on to your zenful self for dear life during those moments has ultimately paid off because over time, I really feel my now 3yo has shown an amazing amount of emotional maturity and empathy, with us and with his baby sister. (Disclaimer, everything should end with āfor his ageā
)
Another maybe tip that helped us a lot was talking about being a big kid and how proud we were that he was becoming a big kid and how proud he should be of himself. Even if he just took off a sock, wow, you can take off your own clothes now! What a big kid, what else can you do?
Those phrases eventually evolved into, big kids take care of their bodies, big kids take care of their things, big kids take care of others, and I think that had really helped as well because babies flop and cry, big kids help grown ups take care of babies.
(Sorry this got long and is not organized at allā¦)
Aaaaaaall that being said, this is a tough age. Give yourself lots of grace and surround yourself with positive and peaceful things. For me itās a little bowl of chocolate covered almonds
canāt go wrong with chocolate covered almonds.
Eta: two book recommendations. Hunt gather parent was a great resource for tips and ideas outside of whatās common in the western world and this might be too old for a 20 month old but consider it, breathe like a bear. Has breathing exercises that my 3yo has been learning that have helped immensely. We started doing one breathing exercise every morning talking about how we can use it to help us calm down.
So I remember the nearly 2, and freshly 2 period to be very painful in handling kiddoās emotions. For us it was a combo of kiddo being remarkably articulate for his age, but still being his age therefore not always able to express himself. With his language skills being surprisingly good, we often made the mistake of expecting older kid maturity and behavior from him so there was a lot of expectation adjustment on our end. Thereās also the typical emotional things as they go out and experience the world and the frustration they get as they work to figure it out.
Sometimes the tantrum will just be that longā¦ Iāve heard of some parents dealing with hour long tantrums. Sometimes itās just weathering the storm.
So for me itās sort of like a decision tree I had to tune inside my head based on how well I know my kiddo and where we are. Ie itās evening so I know heās likely tired, Iām not gonna try to reason with him, if itās an easy thing to cave on, then cave, if itās a boundary Iāve decided wonāt be crossed, Iāll hold and comfort him or at least sit near him or try to distract with something else (preferably high value that heāll really like). If weāre fresh in the morning and heās eaten well, Iāll try to talk him through the logic behind why or why not XYZ. If itās something that can be fixed, like spilled milk, Iāll try to involve him in fixing it (ie oh no! I see youāre sad about the spilled milk, do you want more? What should we do about this mess? Where are the towels? You can try holding the cup again, this time letās hold it against the table so it doesnāt slosh). If heās gone way past the point of no return, I get him to a safe place and just try to be there for him while trying to find something distracting. My husband for the longest time found that taking him outside to look at the cars driving by worked really well. If you are breastfeeding, apply magic boob.
I wonāt lie, we definitely relied on bluey and Daniel tiger far more than I would have liked to snap him out of it.
If we had to just weather it out, I try to talk about it during bedtime. At that time, I found daily morning planning and evening debriefs have really helped where we talk about the day, how we feel about it, how to handle different situations better the next time, etc. I made sure to let him take as much time as he needed to expressed himself, and also fully express myself to him (like if Iām feeling tired today or something made me frustrated)
The biggest most helpful thing I had to learn was just how to find my own inner zen so that I donāt get dragged into the turmoil of emotions heās experiencing and for him to see that Iām completely unaffected and maybe get his mirror neurons to kick in. Back then, my husband and I did a lot of tapping in tapping out. If I could feel myself ready to snap, Iāll swap with hubs and vice versa. Gonna be a lot harder now with our second kiddo. I think hanging on to your zenful self for dear life during those moments has ultimately paid off because over time, I really feel my now 3yo has shown an amazing amount of emotional maturity and empathy, with us and with his baby sister. (Disclaimer, everything should end with āfor his ageā
)Another maybe tip that helped us a lot was talking about being a big kid and how proud we were that he was becoming a big kid and how proud he should be of himself. Even if he just took off a sock, wow, you can take off your own clothes now! What a big kid, what else can you do?
Those phrases eventually evolved into, big kids take care of their bodies, big kids take care of their things, big kids take care of others, and I think that had really helped as well because babies flop and cry, big kids help grown ups take care of babies.
(Sorry this got long and is not organized at allā¦)
Aaaaaaall that being said, this is a tough age. Give yourself lots of grace and surround yourself with positive and peaceful things. For me itās a little bowl of chocolate covered almonds
canāt go wrong with chocolate covered almonds.Eta: two book recommendations. Hunt gather parent was a great resource for tips and ideas outside of whatās common in the western world and this might be too old for a 20 month old but consider it, breathe like a bear. Has breathing exercises that my 3yo has been learning that have helped immensely. We started doing one breathing exercise every morning talking about how we can use it to help us calm down.
jimishasmom
New member
@wmc385 I found that book so condescending and just annoying to read. Honestly I'm finding it hard to find a parenting book that I can actually get through... I have definitely tried and researched and read everything I can get through so far. If there was a summarized version of that book I'd be all over it though.
@benzohar Iām sure youāve exhausted all options on how you handle the situation at this point. Meaning, Iām sure youāre doing your best. And Iām so sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds so hard to stay calm when he screams like that.
Could there be some bigger picture factor you havenāt considered yet? Is he a very sensory-sensitive child? Maybe loud noises from the city, constriction, or something else inside your home is setting him at a heightened state already. Or maybe there is something physical that is going on- maybe some constant pain he has that he canāt communicate yet. I have heard of friends taking colicky babies to chiropractors or osteopaths and having great success.
It feels lame to offer you any advice, but those are just the things that come to mind. I just want to affirm to you that what youāre going through sounds really straining, really difficult. I really hope you find the help you need soon or that he grows out of this difficult phase for you.
Could there be some bigger picture factor you havenāt considered yet? Is he a very sensory-sensitive child? Maybe loud noises from the city, constriction, or something else inside your home is setting him at a heightened state already. Or maybe there is something physical that is going on- maybe some constant pain he has that he canāt communicate yet. I have heard of friends taking colicky babies to chiropractors or osteopaths and having great success.
It feels lame to offer you any advice, but those are just the things that come to mind. I just want to affirm to you that what youāre going through sounds really straining, really difficult. I really hope you find the help you need soon or that he grows out of this difficult phase for you.
@rakitha Yea exhausted being the key word lol. I'm sure there something going on. And I'm trying my hardest to get him the help he needs. I have yet another appointment with my family doc to discuss other options on Sunday. I'm on Canada so the process to get to a pediatrician or any specialist is a shit show. And most don't let you self refer.
Thank-you for the kind words. It's a serious struggle and I know there's light down at the end of the tunnel.. somewhere lol
Thank-you for the kind words. It's a serious struggle and I know there's light down at the end of the tunnel.. somewhere lol
chrissygerzen
New member
@benzohar Sign up for Dr. Beckyās Good Inside membership and do the tantrum workshop and sleep workshop. Life changing for me!
ETA: my daughter didnāt respond well to sleep training either. The sleep workshop isnāt for sleep training but gives you tips to improve sleep. My 2.5 year old is sleeping in her own bed now without waking up!
ETA: my daughter didnāt respond well to sleep training either. The sleep workshop isnāt for sleep training but gives you tips to improve sleep. My 2.5 year old is sleeping in her own bed now without waking up!
@chrissygerzen Yeap looking into that! Thanx for the advice
@benzohar Janet Lansbury has fantastic podcast episodes that talk through how to handle these situations. A lot of acknowledging and naming the emotion, while prioritizing safety.
Littles feel big emotions that overwhelm them, combined with developing communication skills, so they canāt always express their emotions in words. Hence the screaming and hitting.
Janet Lansbury talks about visualizing yourself as wearing a superhero cape. This cape makes you impervious to their emotions and behavior so you can remain calm and attend to them. The cape absorbs whatever they physically or verbally toss your way. I have found this image is a big help in moments of chaos.
Littles feel big emotions that overwhelm them, combined with developing communication skills, so they canāt always express their emotions in words. Hence the screaming and hitting.
Janet Lansbury talks about visualizing yourself as wearing a superhero cape. This cape makes you impervious to their emotions and behavior so you can remain calm and attend to them. The cape absorbs whatever they physically or verbally toss your way. I have found this image is a big help in moments of chaos.
@2reshane I love the idea but I personally just can't handle talk like that. The whole cape thing would have me turning it off. Which sucks because I know there's probably great advice in that but I do a lot better with facts and statics rather than talk that more aligns with how I would talk to a child rather than another adult. Which makes finding parenting books extremely difficult for me. And I know it's my own doing and I could read past that stuff and I do try too but I just find the whole thing so childish and annoying I can't keep going 
@benzohar You should listen to an episode. She is all about talking to kids like they are people. The cape thing is about getting your own mind and emotions in the right frame as you face what your toddler is doing to you - basically itās a mental strategy to address the panic attacks you are having.
It does involve some talk that would feel awkward saying to an adult, but given we arenāt talking to adults with rational and fully developed minds we do need to use words and phrases differently.
āWow, you are really frustrated right now. You donāt like that I wonāt let you do ā¦ā¦.ā This conveys you understand them and gives them a name to the emotion. Thatās in essence how she coaches people to talk to kids. I find the podcast helpful in getting the tone of my voice right so I donāt sound patronizing or disingenuous.
Iām an academic, working on my PhD right now, so I also like facts. Her methods are well grounded in child development literature. She isnāt going to give you statistics, but Iām not sure thatās what you actually need.
I honestly have never dealt with the kind of tantrums you are describing with any of my kids. But I have always used these methods so maybe thatās why. I have one rather explosive child - his emotions burst out. But he has always calmed down quickly and I think itās because I validate and name his emotions and help him work through them.
Iād encourage you to try her podcast āUnruffledā.
It does involve some talk that would feel awkward saying to an adult, but given we arenāt talking to adults with rational and fully developed minds we do need to use words and phrases differently.
āWow, you are really frustrated right now. You donāt like that I wonāt let you do ā¦ā¦.ā This conveys you understand them and gives them a name to the emotion. Thatās in essence how she coaches people to talk to kids. I find the podcast helpful in getting the tone of my voice right so I donāt sound patronizing or disingenuous.
Iām an academic, working on my PhD right now, so I also like facts. Her methods are well grounded in child development literature. She isnāt going to give you statistics, but Iām not sure thatās what you actually need.
I honestly have never dealt with the kind of tantrums you are describing with any of my kids. But I have always used these methods so maybe thatās why. I have one rather explosive child - his emotions burst out. But he has always calmed down quickly and I think itās because I validate and name his emotions and help him work through them.
Iād encourage you to try her podcast āUnruffledā.
jimishasmom
New member
@benzohar I totally understand where youāre coming from. The tantrums are starting to ramp up in frequency and intensity for us at this stage. My kid is also a shit sleeper (though itās been getting better very recently but Iām not holding my breath).
The sleep deprivation is making it 100 times more difficult for you to cope. Is it possible for you to sleep for a few hours in the morning while your partner takes the baby? Thatās what I do with my husband. I sleep from 4-8:30. Itās still not enough sleep but it definitely helps.
If heās throwing the tantrums out in public he may be overstimulated and reacting to that. Is it possible to reduce the amount of time heās out and slowly build from there or take him to a less crowded place?
I canāt imagine how it triggers you when youāre out but I think you should practice pausing and breathing through it in order to model calm. I also suggest just working through not caring what people around you in public think. I know itās stressful but tantrums are normal. If people are upset about that they can live in a cave away from society.
Donāt try to reason and calm him while heās in the midst of a tantrum. If heās pulling away from you in public screaming, breathe, hold onto him, and let him scream. Eventually heāll stop (as youāre breathing and silent) and you can walk him through what his feelings were.
Outside of tantrums let him watch you work through difficult feelings like anger and frustration. Itāll take ages but eventually heāll understand what feeling heās experiencing and that alone will help with the tantrum.
Coregulation is the basis of this stage. The more you practice it yourself the better itāll be for him.
This is hard work but you can do it.
The sleep deprivation is making it 100 times more difficult for you to cope. Is it possible for you to sleep for a few hours in the morning while your partner takes the baby? Thatās what I do with my husband. I sleep from 4-8:30. Itās still not enough sleep but it definitely helps.
If heās throwing the tantrums out in public he may be overstimulated and reacting to that. Is it possible to reduce the amount of time heās out and slowly build from there or take him to a less crowded place?
I canāt imagine how it triggers you when youāre out but I think you should practice pausing and breathing through it in order to model calm. I also suggest just working through not caring what people around you in public think. I know itās stressful but tantrums are normal. If people are upset about that they can live in a cave away from society.
Donāt try to reason and calm him while heās in the midst of a tantrum. If heās pulling away from you in public screaming, breathe, hold onto him, and let him scream. Eventually heāll stop (as youāre breathing and silent) and you can walk him through what his feelings were.
Outside of tantrums let him watch you work through difficult feelings like anger and frustration. Itāll take ages but eventually heāll understand what feeling heās experiencing and that alone will help with the tantrum.
Coregulation is the basis of this stage. The more you practice it yourself the better itāll be for him.
This is hard work but you can do it.