Toddler tantrums are ruining my life

@benzohar Daughter is 2 and a bit and has been quite similar to how you explain your son such as severe seperation anxiety from birth and highly sensitive and a poor sleeper etc we have gone through phases where we believe she could be autistic or have sensory processing disorder however paediatrician believes so far that she is just very sensitive! We have meltdowns that are very similar to how you explained also sometimes lasting 30 minutes and screaming until she almost vomits! We also sound like perhaps we have similar parenting styles. As you have said sometimes distraction works but recently not so much and sometimes if you speak too much it makes it worse so I’ve started just sitting on the floor or laying or whatever near her and just softening my eyes and face and body language and putting my arms out every so often and when she is ready she comes for a hug then I sing and rock her and she usually falls asleep as it must take lots of energy out of her! I’ve noticed it’s been in phases though so hopefully you are just in a hard bit now then it will calm down again soon

In terms of sleep and bed we transitioned her into a Montessori style floor bed and this helped a lot (you just have to ensure you have a baby gate on the door and that furniture attached to wall and no safety issues in reach) also found she started sleeping better when we got rid of her night light and is pitch black. She still has phases and wakes up most nights atleast once but a dramatic difference

Everything is a phase! I really hope things get easier soon! I’m really sorry that my comment isn’t more helpful but just know there are other parents out there with similar situation you are not alone
 
@gmasweetart Yea I'm sure it's all normal. It's just so difficult!

For the sleep, were you cosleeping then transitioned? Or do you still cosleep? We have a sidecar setup that he likes and usually uses, but lately he's been having night time separation anxiety so that's not been helping either.

I'm really hoping something gives soon!
 
@benzohar We weren’t co-sleeping however before she moved into the floor bed she was going through phases of ending up in our bed but we were cuddling her to sleep in a chair then transferring her to the cot but now we still cuddle to sleep but it’s so much more comfortable for me because I can just lay down next to her in floor bed in her room!

Everything is a phase though and naturally as they get older the amount of support required at bedtime and over night will slowly decrease til they are one day teenagers and we will be complaining get them to get out of bed before about 2pm on a Saturday haha!
 
@idontadamandeveit Thanx I'll look.

Yea that's definitely on the list, something I'll be talking with the doc about later today. But it also takes so long to get in with a specialist or even a pediatrician where I am it's better to be on the list than need it and wait. Canada has great free health care but you need to wait for it lol
 
@benzohar Attachment parenting doesn't mean permissive parenting. What is triggering these tantrums? Same thing different day, or different scenarios? Has he learned he can be more demanding in public vs home, or is he overwhelmed? Does he have structure? Is he taking too many naps during the day and ruining his overnight sleep?

Impossible to give advice on general tantrums. Handling each one requires fluidity and different responses for different causes.

You should stay on the medication. There's no shame in it, and if it will help you handle this stage of his life then it's necessary.
 
@benzohar Distractions won't help him learn to deal with the emotions he's feeling during a tantrum. They need a regulated adult to be with them in order to learn self-regulation (this is a scientific fact). Would it help to know that this is normal, and all you need to do is ride it out with him? Would taking that pressure off help?

The fact is that he needs to learn self-regulation, and it's far better that he learns it now during those tantrums rather than as an adult through psychotherapy after a decade of failed relationships (ask me how I know).

Take the meds, buy some earplugs, learn breathing exercises (and teach them to your son). It is super rough, but it's developmentally appropriate. We're here for you.
 
@benzohar Your feelings are valid but you gotta rephrase and change your mind set . Your baby is having a hard time not giving you a hard time. You’re ruining your own life not a minor .
 
@benzohar I know this comment may not align with some of your viewpoints, but this is my opinion on the matter, take it as you will.

Your child is nearly 2 years old. It seems by your post that you are trying to let him lead you, in that, when he gets upset, you allow him to set the boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Children learn how to manipulate their parents to get what they want. In this case, perhaps its attention, to be soothed or to have you cave and give him whatever it is he was crying about. Of course there are times where you as a parent should allow yourself to soothe him, but on the other hand, you cannot allow your child to manipulate the situation like he is doing. The fact that you are constantly giving snacks to ensure he isn't hungry makes me think that your redirection may well be rewarding poor behaviors. He gets snacks throughout the day when he may not need them, he gets used to rewards being used as redirection for his tantrums.

If I were in your shoes, I would set strict boundaries. Time outs are powerful. Taking away privileges like playing with a certain toy or not getting desert can go a long way towards teaching a child that there are consequences for their actions. The most important tool I believe that a parent has at their disposal is "follow through". No, you don't need to spank in order to discipline, however, if you ever threaten to do something like give a time out or revoke a privilege, DO IT if your child does not listen the first time. None of this "stop doing that, or im gonna count to one, two, three - what did I just say? (Then you give your child options for how to navigate their poor behavior)"

In my opinion, a young child only has two options s during a tantrum. Either do what the parents say, or don't. The child has a choice to disobey, but they should be taught that disobedience has consequences, and that if they continue to act out, mom and dad will impose those consequences. Conversely, kids learn that listening to what mom and dad say leads them to a more favorable outcome in the long run. Your kid is young, so it will take some time for him to really get the hint, especially since he has acquired the understanding that he is allowed to test your patience to its limits.

When giving a time out, sometimes you just need to let your kid cry it out. I can't remember how many times as a kid I was sent to my room in the throes of a tantrum, only to cry enough to start calming down once I got it all out of my system. It sucked in the moment, but once I calmed myself down my mom would come and talk to me then in order to help me understand why I was given a punishment and how I can improve my behavior. You are the parent. You must assert yourself otherwise your young child will learn that by asserting himself during tantrums, you will cave in and there will be no punishment for clearly poor behavior.

Again I'm sure some of this goes against your views, but I wanted to share my 2 cents.
 
@katrina2017 Time outs don’t relate directly to behavior so all the child will learn is shame for their feelings.

I’m not sure how your approach aligns with the purpose of this sub but it is woefully wrong.

Attachment parenting emphasizes connection, even in times of tantrums, not punishment which is disconnection. This advice seems better fitted for the people in r/parenting but not here.
 
@katrina2017 That's the opposite of what we are doing so what you've said doesn't really work anyways. He doesn't ever get rewards. For his behaviour and the snacks are just there to make sure he isn't hungry I don't give them during a tantrum or after I just mentioned that we have them and he eats a lot to say that the snacks are not the issue.

Also time outs are not really suggested until 3... But we do let him do "time ins"

I'm well aware that I'm the parent. I've set all the boundaries and rules and don't give in to him and that's what makes the tantrums so much harder to deal with. I could easily give him what he wants and end the shit show but I don't and that is why they continue. We also do give consequences and follow through with them, another reason the tantrums are so hard to deal with.

I also won't let my kid just cry it out without some kind of comfort being offered, even if that's just my presence. Being thrown in a room to sort it out on his own isn't very fair, he's not even 2 yet he doesn't understand....
 
@katrina2017 As a professional who works with kids, You should read about PBIS, positive behavioral intervention and supports and as well as some reading into Erickson, Piaget, and some Kohlbergs stages of development.
 
@katrina2017 Respectfully, these suggestions aren't aligned with attachment parenting. You are of course entitled to your 2 cents, but I am guessing that OP is looking for helpful strategies that reflect their values.
 
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