Toddler tantrums are ruining my life

[benzohar]

@jimishasmom Yea I'm starting to think our outings are going to have to look a bit different now. Overstimulating seems to be a consistent trigger.

Hubs does take him as much as he can and helps all the time. And usually if all 3 of us are together it's him that deals with the tantrums because LO wants absolutely nothing to do with me if dad is around, but I also can't leave the room without notice. Lol make that make sense

 

[jimishasmom]

@benzohar The only thing I can think of that might be contributing to the preference when he’s melting down is that he might be sensing your anxiety? Is dad generally less sensitive to the tantrums?

 

[benzohar]

@jimishasmom The wanting dad part is during a meltdown or not. So I don't think it's just that, if dad's around I'm not required lol. He actually seems to get frustrated faster than I do during the big meltdowns.

 

[jimishasmom]

@benzohar Dang. Parental preference is real!

 

[benzohar]

@jimishasmom Lol yea it's dad or nothing... Except at night now so of course when dad's trying to give me a night off LO still needs me to help settle in the middle of the night.

 

[kyleeak]

@benzohar I mean this isn’t normal tbh. Like tantrums are normal but what you are describing is not. You could consider family/child therapy at this point.

It’s very hard to give advice without seeing how the dynamic is playing out. You could try reading the book “hunt gather parent” specifically the middle section on the Inuit is mostly about dealing with tantrums and may have some novel strategies

 

[breety]

@benzohar I realized not too long ago that most of my 2.5 year old’s more intense tantrums were a delayed result of hurt feelings or stressful situations where everybody was mad. I think he’s just very sensitive and he sort of absorbs those negative feelings and they come out as a tantrum a few hours later. I mean this for the tantrums that aren’t easily explainable like if he’s tired or hungry.

Mine is a little older so his language skills are probably a bit further along, but the other day he threw kind of an epic one, like screaming until his face got red and sort of hitting his own face. I kept trying with “are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you want to go outside?” But nothing was working. I remembered that a couple hours earlier we had been playing with his marble run and I had told him repeatedly not to dump all the marbles, so when he dumped all the marbles, I of course got frustrated and even though I didn’t yell, I know I sounded super annoyed. He didn’t respond at all in the moment. After like 15 minutes of his tantrum, I said “did mommy hurt your feelings when I yelled at you earlier?” And he immediately climbed up into my lap and said “YEAH.” And that was it.

All kids are different, but understanding this about my son has been so incredibly helpful. Even arguments between my mom and I really affect him. Before bed every night we review our day together and we usually discuss any stressful/tense situations that came up, and I try to make an example by saying things like “yeah mommy could have handled that situation better and next time I’ll try to take a few deep breaths and calm myself before responding,” so in that way I’m modeling the behavior I want to see but also letting him know that I can make mistakes and that his feelings are important to me. And even if your 2 year isn’t responding yet, I promise you he’s absorbing a lot of it!

 

[benzohar]

@breety Hmmm yea that definitely could explain some of what's happening. I like the discussing the day part and I think I'll implement that. Sometimes I do walk through what happened after he's claimed down and always make sure to apologize for and discuss my reactions if it didn't work out quite so well.

 

[breety]

@benzohar Yeah, like I said, all kids are different so it could be something else entirely for your son, but try to see if there’s a pattern between some of these more inexplicable tantrums and stressful/tense events in the household. My son is definitely affected by anger/discord even if it’s not directed at him. I think a lot of modern American households (not sure if that applies to you) are just stressful in general and toddlers can internalize a lot of that.

I’m trying not to make this sound like an indictment on your household or parenting because that’s definitely not how I mean it, just sharing some realizations I’ve had recently in case they might be helpful!

 

[agapefalcon]

@benzohar We're not to the "terrible twos" yet but we have started to hit mad screeches. I'm not formally diagnosed but would bet money that I have ADHD and as such I struggle regulating my own emotions, let alone trying to help a toddler regulate theirs whilst being overstimulated myself!

I remember reading or seeing a TikTok or something about how when toddlers are in the throws of a tantrum, they aren't open to reasoning or even to learning a new skill (such a skill for regulating themselves). And honestly, same lol. I've started trying to implement skills/techniques during mild annoyances/frustrations instead of after shits already hit the fan. It gives me the opportunity to be a calm space to co-regulate when normally I feel like I'm mid-melt down too. For example, I see her getting frustrated with a toy, maybe she's trying to force a triangle into a circle or something, and I say something like 'hey, it's okay if it doesn't work out! Let's take a deep breath so we can try again' and then model taking breaths with her. I do think she's working on this because sometimes I see her start to get mad and she looks at me and does this little huffing thing and then goes back to playing. I know it's not a good solution door in the moment when he's having a big feeling, but it could help in the long run!

I've also seen some posts talking about offering their older toddlers the option (when it's appropriate) of do they want/need a hug or support? Or do they need space? If trying to hug him or physically help him calm down seems to just escalate him, then maybe you can sit on the floor or couch nearby and just let him know you're there when he's ready for you.

 

[sybaelle]

@benzohar this is not like the whole answer but earplugs could help a little w the anxiety? i find the volume to be part of the overstimulating part for me and that can help me (not ignore them) but manage my own reaction more easily

 

[1gazza]

@benzohar Hi, try checking for ear infection. Hugs!!

 

[benzohar]

@1gazza I've wondered this but I haven't really seen any other signs that would point to it... Is that possible?

 

[1gazza]

@benzohar Yes, my 20 month old son was having more tantrums this week than normal. I thought maybe it was because he went to a new music class earlier this week and was copying behavior from the other older kids. He was having more trouble each day going to sleep and wanted to sleep longer during the day as well.

Last night, he woke up at midnight and was inconsolable finally got him down two hours later. Took him to pediatrician this morning, ear infection in right ear. They gave us drops and antibiotics.

 

[benzohar]

@1gazza Huh wow ok that's definitely something I'm going to have checked out! Thank-you for the insight

 

[1gazza]

@benzohar Just checking in on this, was wondering if it ended up being an ear infection? My little guy’s infection is clearing up and he’s better emotionally but he’s started this new thing where he is now screaming everything he wants to say at the top of his lungs

 

[dwhite081705]

@benzohar Absolutely I understand what you’re going through, my first kid had like 2 tantrums between ages 2-3. My son has them daily, I swear. He just turned 3.

Here’s what works- 1. ignore him and put him him a safe place and let it burn out, checking in periodically, wearing earplugs. But if I try to help him through it, it makes it worse. He is beyond rational thought at this point. He knows he’s not alone, but other than that I cannot help him.

Pre-tantrum when he’s headed there:

1. Agree with him about his feelings without a lecture or fixing. I know you’re so upset! You feel so mad about that. You don’t know what you want to eat, I know.
2. Narrate as if he is speaking to me and what he would say in a dream world, “Son says, ok mama I’m feeling mad, but you can change my diaper and then I will get a snack and feel better!” He will cry and say “that wasn’t me!” But it usually calms him.

I know the phrasing you’re using “ruining my life” is just a phrase and of course you know it’s not his goal to ruin your life. And. yes it makes life really really hard. But when I start thinking things like “whyyy are you doing this and making everything hard? I JUST want to go to bed, and you’re stopping me. You always do this, I’m so sick of it, etc” it makes things way worse. Instead I like the mantra “this is his job” or “this is not an emergency.”

 

[godsgracejesus]

@benzohar Sorry if this is way off base, as my kiddo is still very little and we haven’t reached the tantrums stage yet, but you mentioned lots of screaming, so I wonder if it would help to put in some ear plugs or pop on some noise cancelling headphones when things start to get loud? I’m easily overstimulated, and I’ve found that when things get too loud, bringing down the noise level for myself via ear plugs really helps with my ability to cope. I mostly needed this during the endless crying of the newborn phase. At the time, I justified it by saying that lowering the volume for myself didn’t mean I was checking out or not meeting baby’s needs; it just helped me to cope when everything felt like too much. Again, sorry if this is way off base. Good luck.

 

[bemmmy]

@benzohar Wow.. this is like a post about my child LOL. Fortunately his tantrums are not quite that long but he's a frequent tantrumer. He feels deeply lol, about you know, his cheerios falling on the ground, or a lid not being able to be screwed back onto a bottle, or perhaps not having the red pajamas available, or god forbid, blocking him from trying to get to the oven... if we make it more than 15 minutes without one, we're doing amazing LOL.

Do you have any doting grandparents? My husband and I refer to it as "Grandparent energy", basically leave him with them for an hour, maybe two, and they can handle the screaming for an hour or two just to give you some respite. My child is still waking up 3-4 times a night, and twice a week he has bad nights of up every hour... I really feel you for lack of sleep. I get it. And yes, ours definitely was not a proponent for sleep training either. We co-slept, and then stopped because he literally lost his mind at bedtime and I was afraid he was going to hurt himself.

My guy tantrums a lot... and initially I found it very stressful. It started at 7.5 mo with little fits that were 5-8 min long... and just proceeded to escalate from there... re-direction doesn't always work, so sometimes I have to just move him somewhere safe and just let him be him... I've stopped stressing about it / don't care anymore, or let myself get worked up because I know just as quickly as it started, it can end just suddenly, and he can be quick to laugh and giggle. Definitely quick to temper, but quick to feel happy too. And I'm 100% sure it's linked to sleep. The days after a bad sleep he's really struggling.

It definitely sounds like you need a break and I truly suggest at least shifts with your partner for at least the days your partner is off work. You need time to have some peace and quiet. Literally even if it means your partner takes over, he screams and you just drive somewhere and sit or watch netflix on your phone or some shit, you need some respite.

 

[benzohar]

@bemmmy We do have some grandparents near by it's just hard as they're much older and we don't see them much so LO isn't super comfortable with them. But there is a local babysitting Facebook page I've been looking at and considering hiring a sitter for a few hours a day so I can have a bath or read or just go get groceries alone lol.

My hubs is amazing. Any minute he can have him he takes him, and honestly LO wants him when he's home anyways. Except at night now. He's decided only lol is good at night which is hard because dad takes him on overnights for the weekend and I get he big adult bed to myself but still have to help with the odd meltdown at 1am.

I do agree I think I'm in need of a good girls night again, it's been quite a while. I was also looking into that book! I started researching temperaments and it came up, I think I'm going to have to pull the trigger on that and get it.