The 'not your birthday present' tradition my M.I.L started

[adesolution]

@jjoolloo There are no negative emotions

 

[katrina2017]

@jjoolloo And you may choose to use sibling birthdays for this, and potentially ruin the birthday childs day to deal with a tantrum, but it's not wrong to choose to make peace for that day, and do practise other days.

 

[httx]

@katrina2017 Someone else having a tantrum isn’t going to ruin a kid’s birthday, you can pick that child up and remove them from the room. Happens at some point in the day at plenty of the parties we’ve attended. Allowing another child to blow out a kid’s birthday candles to avoid the tantrum is a poor parenting move.

 

[katrina2017]

@httx Obviously that is, because it's detracting from someone else. No one even mentioned that, or I completely missed it.

I'm talking about a small gift to help kids who struggle with their siblings birthday to help keep the peace before they've learned the emotional tools to do so

 

[jjoolloo]

@katrina2017 All the more reason to set expectations early, when the birthday child is young enough to not remember or be too affected by their sibling.

Parent how you want, but I personally haven't come across any legitimate literature or experiences that support this method.

do practise other days.

Not sure of any other occasions that fit this bill, other than birthdays or more special celebrations.

 

[vanna]

@katrina2017 Behavior like this absolutely has a developmental effect on kids. OPs kids are learning that they should get focus on every occasion, when they should be learning that not everything revolves around them. Kids need to learn how to share the spotlight, and behavior like this from the mom is delaying that lesson. Kids who go their entire childhood like this end up becoming very self entitled adults.

 

[katrina2017]

@vanna Again, you're just wildly speculating what you think the long term effects are based on what makes sense in your head.

 

[sapphireblue]

@jaltatujkazoe This is so accurate and has been a point of contention between my wife and I.

I'm afraid my kids are becoming materialistic because of this type of shit, like they all expect presents and elaborate birthdays because that's the standard. And I have a few things to say about the quantity of gifts, too.

 

[catzkc]

@jaltatujkazoe Yeah, called a consolation gift. We’re only doing that when they’re still young. Once they’re in, say, 2nd or 3rd grade, we’ll put a stop to it.

 

[transparency]

@catzkc What’s your plan for stopping the practice in the future? Like how will you explain the change of plans?

 

[catzkc]

@transparency "You're a big kid now, you can handle it."

If they throw a fit, ignore.

 

[transparency]

@catzkc Why not teach them the lesson in the first place then? If you’re just going to end up ignoring the fit in the end, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

 

[ninamarie]

@transparency I’m not saying you’re right or wrong, but I think that the intelligence of a toddler at least is too undeveloped to learn this lesson. Doesn’t matter how many nice words or whatever you use, the parent just becomes some asshole that (appears to) loves one child more than the other. Their brains can’t rationalize around the favoritism. They are like baby birds fighting for a single worm. I personally think age 4 or so is a good time to work on that because that’s when they can verbally discuss ideas like “fairness” and can also learn that their “special day” will happen to balance out someone else’s “special day”

 

[transparency]

@ninamarie I absolutely agree that a toddler is too young to understand more complex concepts like sharing, favoritism, jealousy, etc. I would treat this like I would treat any other disappointment. Lots of prep leading up to the event and then a “wow, you want a special treat too. Today is [redacted]’s birthday so we’re celebrating them like we did for your birthday a couple months ago! It’s okay to feel sad/mad/upset.” And then move on. Appeasement will only get you so far for so long, not to mention the message it sends to the other kid. ETA: a missed word.

 

[prepperoni]

@catzkc yea this just seems like your setting it up to me more of melt down later than it would be to just... not do it now. sorry i dont mean to judge, just one opion of a guy you will never meet on the internet.

 

[katrina2017]

@jaltatujkazoe That's your assumption, and that's their assumption. All I can see is one prevents definite upset today, whereas one speculatively prevents "potential" things later.

Life is a long hard slog as it is. Childhood should be a respite and buffer from that, it's also preparation and dad's should encourage and judge their kids appropriately, but giving them intentional disappointment and then labelling as "teaching them a tough lesson" isn't the same as teaching them emotional maturity.

 

[jaltatujkazoe]

@katrina2017 Not giving someone a present on someone else's birthday is nowhere near "intentional disappointment". That's a pretty huge stretch to make. It's not even a tough lesson for young kids to learn.

 

[katrina2017]

@jaltatujkazoe Some kids find it tough, I'm saying it's not unreasonable to want to keep the peace for the sake of the kid who's birthday it is. There are plenty of disappointments in life to learn from.

Worrying how many dad's can't fathom that downvote doesn't equal disagree.

 

[jaltatujkazoe]

@katrina2017 Giving a present to the other children is a sticking plaster, it's not solving the root problem.

You're better off helping the child to learn that, firstly, it's okay to sometimes be disappointed, but that disappointment doesn't need to ruin the rest of their day, and secondly, try to reframe that disappointment for themselves as happiness for the other child - try to see the positives, etc.

And, yeah, on the day of a birthday party is not the best time to be handling it but there's lots of opportunities for learning these things at other times so, when it comes to the party, it's something they've dealt with before but maybe a slightly more challenging version of it.

 

[katrina2017]

@jaltatujkazoe Correct, and for some people (again I'm not saying all kids should get gifts when it's not their birthday, I'm just saying it's ok if that's what you do) giving kids a temporary solution to a longer problem is ok, if you understand that you have to address their problem at all.