The 'not your birthday present' tradition my M.I.L started

@jackiecline When I was really young I used to get a gift on my one year older sister's bday. It was to be opened in private, I personally loved it.

My kids are 5.5 and 2.5, my oldest does NOT need a gift on their siblings birthday. They can understand what is happening on that day and why it's not about them. My youngest though, boy he gets some upset that nothing is for him. He will at some point grab one thing for certain and lay claim to it. Which my oldest is okay with since she knows it's actually hers.

Giving a gift to my youngest on their sibling's bday would help him cope, but he's like 1 year away from being able to control his disappointment. Why complicate our lives now! But the bday this June, while he is still 2, well I expect it to get some pouts from him. haha.
 
@jackiecline My grandmother always did this to my family growing up, with the reason that “ I didn’t want X to feel left out”. I absolutely hated it, and not because I wanted to be the centre of attention, but because it was so awkward getting a gift on my siblings birthday for no reason cos it made me look petty.
 
@jackiecline In a lot of ways, I feel like this is just sending the wrong message to the children. I agree with you, the kids should be able to be happy for their siblings (or at minimum not have any expectations for themselves) on their birthdays.
 
@jackiecline I definitely understand giving them maybe one small gift when they’re really little and don’t understand birthdays yet so they don’t feel left out but as they get older, they definitely should be learning that it’s okay to not receive something because we are celebrating someone else.
 
@jackiecline It's a terrible pair of lessons: "Nobody else can be the focus of the day, I always have to get something as well", and "I will never be the focus of the day, someone else must always be appeased."

You could get two well-adjusted kids out of it, or some combination of a narcissist and desperate attention-seeker.
 
@jackiecline Similar position for my family. We started explaining to our kids, (and to the grandparents), that it's an important life skill to be able to be happy for someone else when something good happens to/for them. Once you point out how difficult it is to guide teenagers or young adults away from the entitlement that gifts for other people's occasions can lead to, it will be an easier to make the change. It's extra difficult based on the precedent for you though.
 
@jackiecline My mother in law does the same thing. She thinks the other feels bad because they’re not getting anything. We’ve told her not to, but she does it anyway. She also buys them so much bullshit trash toys all year round that my wife and I now have a policy that we don’t give them toys for their birthday or Christmas. We say that’s a Grandma thing. We got them Bunnies for their birthday last year. We bought a family trip to Chicago for the Harry Potter Magic at Play exhibit for Christmas… we’ve decided family memories are now going to be our gifts going forward. We might still get them things like a bike or a new iPad or that kind of stuff, but no more toys at all
 
@jackiecline For birthdays, I would generally share the day with my brother, since we had birthdays in the same month and were close in age. Of course, this often meant that we shared a single present as well.

For Christmas, the few gifts that we got were generally for the family as a whole, rather than individual gifts. We were not well off (still aren't).

My grandparents would spend lots of time with us, but they didn't really buy us "things," so much as they took places, sometimes special trips out of state (usually to museums and the like). We formed some really good memories, which we were unable to do later (my grandfather passed away shortly after I started high school).

My parents haven't been able to take their grandchildren on trips, but spend as much time with them as they can (in some cases, even providing daycare several days a week for some of them). Their grandkids know their grandparents love them, even if they can't buy them a lot of stuff. And time is more precious anyway.
 
@jackiecline I agree with you. It sounds like you've tried to discuss this over the years without success. Here's an idea without going nuclear but it'll take a lot of work I think.

Propose that for the next birthday instead of everyone getting gifts, you spend the day before making and/or shopping for gifts for the birthday girl together.

If daughter A has a birthday tomorrow, each girl gets $50 at the store to pick out a gift for her. Same for their birthdays. It helps translate "I always get gifts" to focusing on giving.

I suspect a lot of this has to do with your wife and MIL's love language of *giving*. I have the same thing here - so the key could be allowing them to express this through others if possible. Maybe MIL could work with the girls to make gifts, or go shopping with them for the birthday girl.
 
@jackiecline As with most things, there are exceptions to the rule. Recently, my wife and I had baby number 2. When coming by to see the baby, some friends and/or family brought a baby gift while also bringing a small gift for our 3yo. I thought this was a nice gesture, because the baby does not know or remember getting a gift while the 3yo’s life has just been changed forever so a small gift to to reduce jealousy, that works for me.

Your situation is insane and set an unnecessary precedent. Yeah no chance I’m ok with that either. As you stated, it takes away from the birthday girls day
 
@jackiecline TL&DR - You're not overreacting, it's out of hand, I don't think you need to eliminate it, but you need to bring it back under control and put a FIRM limit on it.

////////////////

It sounds like it's a great idea that's gotten out of control and you need to rein it in.

I grew up with this as well and it worked great for us but we only had 2 kids.

Stuff like I think is good provided 2 conditions:

1) The birthdays are far enough apart (more than a three months at least though my brother and I were six months apart)

2) The value & qty of the unbirthday gifts remains IN CHECK. $10 max when we were growing up (90's). Was enough for a new book or a small toy. Budget for the birthday kid was $100-$150.

Honestly I think I spend more than $10/kid now on stupid bs crap for goody bags so I'd be happy to put $10 on a Barnes & Noble gift card or an xbox/ps5/itunes/whatever card for the kid who's birthday it's not.

Fortunately or not, I find myself in the position where my kids birthdays are only two days apart so I don't believe this will ever find its way into my current family dynamic.
 
@jackiecline I dont agree with it at all, like my neices were somewhat raised like this for a while. My youngest neice definitely felt left out/unspecial would throw a tantrum and im sorry but when its "your" birthday then "you" will recieve your own special present. But im not just gunna go out an buy a present for a child who is going to throw a tantrum unless they also get one. Its litterally rewarding a child so that they dont tantrum. The longer it goes on the more they feel entitled to also getting a present on someone elses birthday. Ive been to other birthday parties where someones child wasnt even related to the birthday kid that threw a tantrum because they didnt get a present. Teach kids that their birthday is special to them and its like their own little holiday.
 
@jackiecline My father in law does it for our 2 girls but it’s something simple like a candy bar or a lovey not something outrageous. As much as it such coming from the other prospective when their grandparent passes it’s a sweet memory they have.
 
@jackiecline I'm not a fan of that. In my mind, it's teaching the kids they will always get something even on someone else's day. They are going to hate going to birthdays when they know they aren't getting anything.
 
@jackiecline Doing this will mess with your kids mentally in ways you didn’t know could. Feeling unworthy and undeserving on your birthday while everyone else lavishes around you must be so heartbreaking. Hope you get her five more presents too ❤️
 
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