The 'not your birthday present' tradition my M.I.L started

[janeyann]

@jackiecline And they say we’re the “participation trophy” generation. Interesting.

 

[dickvep]

@jackiecline We put the kibosh on this. My aunt did it with her kids and led to huge rivalries later in life because instead of enjoying the moment they are looking at the other person to make sure their gift wasn’t better than the one they had received.

We also tell family that all we want are books, homemade items (a lot of my family makes clothing as their hobby), college plan contributions, or we are perfectly happy with just a visit/phone call/ face time and no gift.

 

[katrina2017]

@jackiecline Imo this is how you get kids with “I’m the main character” issues who don’t know how to hear “no”. My ex in laws did this too, and my ex was super entitled about life.

 

[rodniblett]

@jackiecline Are they Hispanic? This is something a lot of people on the Hispanic half of my family do with kids. I just always assumed it was a cultural thing.

 

[nesha012]

@jackiecline No I feel you. A sibling's birthday is supposed to be a great opportunity to learn that not everything is about you and learn how to be happy for someone else on their special day. There's even a whole Daniel Tiger episode about it

 

[anubis101]

@jackiecline My own mother does this for my kids. She says she feels bad that the other kids are "missing out" when the kid gets presents on their birthday. It's mostly apparent when my two oldest (both girls) want the same thing so she doesn't want the other one getting upset.

 

[shoobiestomper]

@jackiecline My mom tried doing this and I put a stop to it. My opinion is kids need to learn that they don't always get things when other people do. (Dealing with the disappointment is a good learning experience.) AND that it's important that we celebrate others and take joy in seeing others happiness.

 

[aya74]

@jackiecline I think this is an awful precedent to set for the kids. If it was my family, I would try to get them to stop, in the most tactful way possible. Good luck to you, OP.

 

[godstruth]

@jackiecline My mom did this. I always got 2-3 presents on my brothers birthday, and he on mine. I think it is because my grandma also did it, as my mom’s siblings did it for their kid’s as well, but I’ve never asked.

It never made sense to me, so I nipped that in the bud real quick. My mom brought my 6 month old a gift on my 2 year old’s birthday and that’s the one and only time that happened.

AFAIK, only one of my first cousins has chosen to continue this tradition with their kids, so it would seem our generation has mostly ended it.

 

[thedisaffected]

@jackiecline My in-laws did this with our two nieces. I always felt it was weird, but my in-laws are super nice and considerate people so I to try give benefit of the doubt.

My nieces are now 9 and 12, both well-behaved caring girls with great manners. So I don't think this tradition will make or break your daughters.

My personal opinion is not to have this tradition because they are already included in the festivities and this is to teach them that this day is to celebrate one person.

But if it's just your MIL doing this tradition then it's really not that big of a deal. Grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren!! Your daughters will mainly associate this with their grandmother more than anything.

 

[seanm112]

@jackiecline This type of shit is always put in place for older kids who can't share the spotlight, then gets phased out for the younger kids because suddenly it's silly and too much.

You're also setting them up for unhappiness in adult life. You're teaching them that it's normal to expect attention on other people's special occasions. You ever see pictures of a mother-in-law wearing white to her son's wedding and think, "Who could possibly be that attention-seeking?" That behavior comes from exactly this type of thinking.

 

[established_by_god]

@jackiecline So I'll go ahead and put this out there because most of the comments seem to be decrying this entirely. Don't downvote me, bro!

I don't think you're being a grumpy dad, and I do think you have a point, however, here's my experience -

It's my daughter's birthday today too! She's 3. My son is 4. We have gotten the other child a small gift at each of the others birthdays. Nothing elaborate. We let them know it's the other kids special day but we don't want them to feel completely left out.

As far as raising a self centered or spoiled kid needing it to be about them, I think what you do the other 364 days of the year is going to have the greater impact.

For example, this morning, my son opened up his little present (what your in-law is calling the "not your birthday" present). It's a metal slinky. Nothing spectacular. But the first thing my son did after opening it was give it to his sister and let her play with it first because it was her birthday, not his.

With that said, I completely agree that turning it into some elaborate thing could be over the top, but to the extent that it gets everyone excited to celebrate for the one whose birthday it is, I don't see it as inherently bad.

But you've also got to pick and choose your battles, I've found. If this is your hill to die on, then die away man. If you're saving your "dad says no" capital for like, no ear piercings before X, or no trampolines (death traps!) Or no drum kits, save it for that.

 

[dkhan04b]

@jackiecline Offering another angle here, but 20 presents is a lot of clutter in the house and waste. At this rate, 4 girls, 5 presents each, 4 times a year is 80 presents per year, not counting other occasions like Christmas if you celebrate it. What happens to these presents afterwards?

So you could add this to your toolbox when explaining why you feel it’s too many presents. Main reason is still that it deprives them from learning the world doesn’t revolve around them and it’s somebody else’s special day.

 

[joanne671]

@jackiecline The only time I ever do this kind of thing is giving big siblings small gifts (like a Lego mini figure) when they have a new baby. I call it their big sibling present to help them feel included and excited about the new baby.

Every birthday and so many gifts would make me very uncomfortable for a few reasons:
1) takes spotlight off birthday kid, takes away the opportunity for kids to learn to be happy for their sibling without any expectation of personal gain
2) consumerism, puts focus on stuff rather than celebrating their sibling
3) clutter and environmentally unfriendly

 

[greg76]

@jackiecline My family did a version of this growing up, but it was supposed to be about the birthday kid thinking of their siblings and getting them something, not the grown-ups. I mean, my mom basically bought all the gifts, but she pushed the sentiment. Don’t know if it was good or bad.

 

[mamabear2000]

@jackiecline Bluey season 3 has an episode that's kinda about this

 

[lakeview13]

@jackiecline Lucky's dad's rule

 

[katrina2017]

@jackiecline My partner grew up in Germany and this is a common practice.

 

[daviddei]

@katrina2017 i would not say its common practrice in germany. some people do it, some dont.

 

[fleshisweak]

@daviddei Even a sizeable minority would make it a common practice, in the sense of "something that occurs often".

They didn't say most people did it, or even a majority of people did.