Still not adjusted at daycare after over 3 months -- help!

[religiondoctor]

Y'all, my girl (21 months) has been going to daycare part-time since March. We did a gradual transition, she was going on her own by mid April. And I thought it was going well. Some emotional days but some happy days, and usually no tears at drop-off.

But I got a call the other day and apparently things are NOT going as well as I thought! They say she's still struggling to adjust. She cries so much.

I don't know what to do. What can I do to help her?!

Here's some relevant information/context:

• She is happy talking about daycare, doesn't resist going, and sometimes even acts excited to go. It's just once she's there she's apparently quite emotional
• We do a pretty quick drop-off, keep it light and positive and reassuring that I'll be back later and all that jazz
• She can communicate when she's sad or scared, can ask for hugs and much of what she needs
• There are 3 teachers in her class, she is particularly attached to one. She gets upset when that teacher has to leave or tend to other children/tasks.
• She goes M-W-F typically (sometimes we adjust due to long weekends or transportation/work exceptions) -- is 3 days in a row better?? We figured spacing it out is better than having 3 on then 4 at home doing whatever else but I don't know!
• She attends from about 7:45am - 3:45pm
• We just introduced a weekly calendar for her the other day, showing her visually what's happening "today" and "tomorrow", with pictures of home, daycare, and other significant happenings, such as time with family members, going to the beach, etc. I have a space for 3 things per day, currently though I only have 2 items for each day (e.g. "daycare then home", or "beach then Grandma comes over"). We thought maybe if she can visualize the pattern and anticipate what's happening a bit more, that might help? She loves the calendar so far, but it's pretty new, so I'm not sure how much she understands.
• When home, I try to connect with her as much as possible. She still breastfeeds with me for comfort or connection. We play and read and I try to be very present but also let her do her own thing (basically, follow her lead on how involved she wants me, and am there for connection and affection whenever she chooses -- with a few necessary exceptions, of course. I have boundaries and sometimes have to tend to other tasks as well).
• We are trying to implement some structures at home that mimic daycare. For example, when she's all done a meal, we can't clean up and set her off to play right away, need to wait until everyone else is done.
• The teachers are being very collaborative and helpful, implementing whatever strategies we can think of. They are trying to offer lighthearted reassurance where it feels appropriate, but otherwise when she is upset they express understanding and validation, offer comfort, and then distract. I find she doesn't do well if what she's expressing is ignored (pure distraction is not the way) -- sometimes she needs to know we get it and understand what she's saying, then offer explanations/reassurance, and redirect.

What else should we be doing? I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Is it just a matter of time?? Do we need to shorten the days? Today she cried when I dropped her off, and apparently didn't stop crying until they went outside and she was able to calm down for a bit.
* I don't work during the summer but will need to go back part time in the Fall.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just so sad, and at a loss for what else to do to help her.

TL;DR: 21-month old seems to like going to daycare but once there is still crying so much. She goes M-W-F. Besides quality time together outside of daycare, and a visual schedule to see what's happening each day, what can we do to help her??

 

[jwd]

@religiondoctor I run a home daycare and I can tell you in my experience 3 days in a row is generally better than a split schedule. When they say she cries a lot - is this because her favourite teacher is not available or are there specific instances that make her upset? Usually kids have difficulty with transitions.

It sounds like both you and the daycare setting are doing things exactly right. Some kids have a harder time adjusting to daycare than others, especially with just a part time schedule.

 

[religiondoctor]

@jwd Thank you for your insight.
I've tried getting a better picture about when and why she might be crying. Honestly I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see if I can identify something the teachers are missing. From what they can tell, it's sometimes because her favorite teacher isn't there or has to leave/do something else, but sometimes it's just out of the blue and she's just sad and probably tired, and can be distracted/happy for short periods of time before she "remembers" and gets sad again.

They are also trying a new strategy, using a visual schedule for the day with her so she can see that it's play time, then snack, then outside, or whatever. So far she seems into it but I dunno how much it's helping yet (this is the second day they've used it).

 

[jwd]

@religiondoctor A visual schedule is a wonderful idea! I’m a little surprised they don’t already use that with all the kids. It’s such a great way to help kids feel secure in what’s going on. I do think moving her to 3 consecutive days is a great idea.

 

[the_precious_one]

@religiondoctor It sounds like you've created a wonderful physical and emotional environment for her at home and found a daycare with similar values - well done!

One thing I would do is switch to consecutive days if possible. That could make a big difference in helping your daughter recognize a pattern in the week and get into, and sort of relax into, a 'daycare mindset'.

 

[religiondoctor]

@the_precious_one Thank you so much for your encouragement and affirmation. I think consecutive days could make sense for that reason. I still hesitate because then it's 4 days off with no daycare, but a few others have commented that they've seen it work really well so maybe that is the way to go. I wish it was easier to know!

 

[the_precious_one]

@religiondoctor If there is flexibility, maybe you could try it for a few weeks? My youngest has been going to daycare part time, 3 consecutive days a week, since 20 months old. Every morning, he asks what kind of day it is, a 'daycare day', a 'me and mommy home day', or an 'all-body home day' (everybody-at-home day = weekend ). He still asks, but I would say from about the time he turned 2, his guess is usually right, so he has some sense of time and flow of our week. I think daycare days being consecutive helped him see the pattern.