Still not adjusted at daycare after over 3 months -- help!

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religiondoctor

New member
Y'all, my girl (21 months) has been going to daycare part-time since March. We did a gradual transition, she was going on her own by mid April. And I thought it was going well. Some emotional days but some happy days, and usually no tears at drop-off.

But I got a call the other day and apparently things are NOT going as well as I thought! They say she's still struggling to adjust. She cries so much.

I don't know what to do. What can I do to help her?!

Here's some relevant information/context:
  • She is happy talking about daycare, doesn't resist going, and sometimes even acts excited to go. It's just once she's there she's apparently quite emotional
  • We do a pretty quick drop-off, keep it light and positive and reassuring that I'll be back later and all that jazz
  • She can communicate when she's sad or scared, can ask for hugs and much of what she needs
  • There are 3 teachers in her class, she is particularly attached to one. She gets upset when that teacher has to leave or tend to other children/tasks.
  • She goes M-W-F typically (sometimes we adjust due to long weekends or transportation/work exceptions) -- is 3 days in a row better?? We figured spacing it out is better than having 3 on then 4 at home doing whatever else but I don't know!
  • She attends from about 7:45am - 3:45pm
  • We just introduced a weekly calendar for her the other day, showing her visually what's happening "today" and "tomorrow", with pictures of home, daycare, and other significant happenings, such as time with family members, going to the beach, etc. I have a space for 3 things per day, currently though I only have 2 items for each day (e.g. "daycare then home", or "beach then Grandma comes over"). We thought maybe if she can visualize the pattern and anticipate what's happening a bit more, that might help? She loves the calendar so far, but it's pretty new, so I'm not sure how much she understands.
  • When home, I try to connect with her as much as possible. She still breastfeeds with me for comfort or connection. We play and read and I try to be very present but also let her do her own thing (basically, follow her lead on how involved she wants me, and am there for connection and affection whenever she chooses -- with a few necessary exceptions, of course. I have boundaries and sometimes have to tend to other tasks as well).
  • We are trying to implement some structures at home that mimic daycare. For example, when she's all done a meal, we can't clean up and set her off to play right away, need to wait until everyone else is done.
  • The teachers are being very collaborative and helpful, implementing whatever strategies we can think of. They are trying to offer lighthearted reassurance where it feels appropriate, but otherwise when she is upset they express understanding and validation, offer comfort, and then distract. I find she doesn't do well if what she's expressing is ignored (pure distraction is not the way) -- sometimes she needs to know we get it and understand what she's saying, then offer explanations/reassurance, and redirect.
What else should we be doing? I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Is it just a matter of time?? Do we need to shorten the days? Today she cried when I dropped her off, and apparently didn't stop crying until they went outside and she was able to calm down for a bit.
* I don't work during the summer but will need to go back part time in the Fall.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just so sad, and at a loss for what else to do to help her.

TL;DR: 21-month old seems to like going to daycare but once there is still crying so much. She goes M-W-F. Besides quality time together outside of daycare, and a visual schedule to see what's happening each day, what can we do to help her??
 
@religiondoctor I run a home daycare and I can tell you in my experience 3 days in a row is generally better than a split schedule. When they say she cries a lot - is this because her favourite teacher is not available or are there specific instances that make her upset? Usually kids have difficulty with transitions.

It sounds like both you and the daycare setting are doing things exactly right. Some kids have a harder time adjusting to daycare than others, especially with just a part time schedule.
 
@jwd Thank you for your insight.
I've tried getting a better picture about when and why she might be crying. Honestly I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see if I can identify something the teachers are missing. From what they can tell, it's sometimes because her favorite teacher isn't there or has to leave/do something else, but sometimes it's just out of the blue and she's just sad and probably tired, and can be distracted/happy for short periods of time before she "remembers" and gets sad again.

They are also trying a new strategy, using a visual schedule for the day with her so she can see that it's play time, then snack, then outside, or whatever. So far she seems into it but I dunno how much it's helping yet (this is the second day they've used it).
 
@religiondoctor A visual schedule is a wonderful idea! I’m a little surprised they don’t already use that with all the kids. It’s such a great way to help kids feel secure in what’s going on. I do think moving her to 3 consecutive days is a great idea.
 
@religiondoctor It sounds like you've created a wonderful physical and emotional environment for her at home and found a daycare with similar values - well done!

One thing I would do is switch to consecutive days if possible. That could make a big difference in helping your daughter recognize a pattern in the week and get into, and sort of relax into, a 'daycare mindset'.
 
@the_precious_one Thank you so much for your encouragement and affirmation. I think consecutive days could make sense for that reason. I still hesitate because then it's 4 days off with no daycare, but a few others have commented that they've seen it work really well so maybe that is the way to go. I wish it was easier to know!
 
@religiondoctor If there is flexibility, maybe you could try it for a few weeks? My youngest has been going to daycare part time, 3 consecutive days a week, since 20 months old. Every morning, he asks what kind of day it is, a 'daycare day', a 'me and mommy home day', or an 'all-body home day' (everybody-at-home day = weekend :)). He still asks, but I would say from about the time he turned 2, his guess is usually right, so he has some sense of time and flow of our week. I think daycare days being consecutive helped him see the pattern.
 
@delightintheway Honestly I kind of love that idea, especially since it's shorter chunks of time apart, but my job wouldn't allow it. I'm a teacher on call, and while half-days do sometimes come up, they aren't common and certainly not reliable.
 
@religiondoctor I’m so sorry - this is so hard. It’s totally normal for kiddo to struggle adjusting even though it’s heartbreaking as a parent.

I would suggest a few things:
* consecutive days will probably help, as you call out.
* social stories and acting out the day with her dolls together so she can “practice” moments like Favorite Teacher has to step away
* books about leaving and coming back (Llama Llama Misses Mama, Bye Bye Time)
* is there a comfort object she could bring from home she could hold when she’s sad or scared?
* shorter days might help but is not super sustainable. You can try it this summer while you’re off and build back up to full days in the fall
 
@guevaraj Thank you so much for all your suggestions! And the validation. It IS so hard.

I love the idea for acting out/practicing moments in the day with toys. Books have helped us talk about it too, so that's a good idea to do more of that. I actually made her a book myself with pictures of her daycare and the teachers, and us (walks through the getting ready, arriving, saying bye to mama and that she'll be back later, but in the meantime what does she get to do today ... goes through all the fun and nap and snacks, then mama comes back at the end -- she loves the book and I think it's helped her get familiar with it. Or... well I though it did).
She does have a baby doll she uses for comfort and brings that with her.
True about possibly being able to shorten the days then work back up. That's maybe an easy option to try at least in the meantime, as it doesn't change too much on her, but minimizes our time apart
 
@religiondoctor Part time can be harder. So even though it’s been three months in calendar time it’s been just over half that in daycare days for her. It takes time.

I am from EU country and now live in US. Have worked in childcare in both places. In EU country we had kids daily (no such thing as only doing a few days, part time there means half days every day), and considered our settling in time to be from early September till Christmas. With some kids taking longer. It amazes me how different expectations are depending on where one is at in the world!

Have you spoken to her teachers? What is their take? Is she able to calm down and play at all, even if she still cries periodically? How has their communication been?

Time is definitely a huge part of it. She likely just doesn’t want to be away from you. And even though a two year old can be quite verbal, the whole routine thing can be hard to understand, cognitively. Hopefully having the calendar and pointing it out on there can start to be helpful once you have done it even longer!
 
@andybrooks Good point. And I love the idea of half days but every week day. I just with that was compatible with my job.

The teachers' communication has been great. They don't have any solid takes on the situation, only guesses. She has had some happy days, so that's been encouraging, but I feel like it's been worse lately? Though when I asked them, they said it's been about the same since the beginning so... I dunno what to make of that.
She is able to calm down but it sounds like the trend is that she'll get distracted for a moment with something, then get sad again (they think maybe she remembers Mama again and gets sad).

Thank you so much for your input! I'm leaning towards trying 3 consecutive days and leaning on the visual calendars to help her understand the week and her daily routine at daycare.
 
@religiondoctor Mine also took a long time to adjust, also going three non-consecutive days a week. Started at about 16 months and the end of about 9 miserable weeks, we had a two week long trip planned. I was so nervous that after this trip it was going to be like going back to square one (from maybe square two, but still...). One morning while we were away, he woke up babbling about his teacher and his friends. We had to reassure him that he will see them again soon! After we got back, he just absolutely loved it. No idea what went on in his head during that break, but there has been no looking back since then... except when he changed rooms and teachers 😩

One other thing I tried when he hated it was explaining to him why he had to go. “Mummy would love to stay with you all day but I have to work. When you go to daycare you ae a big helper because it lets mummy work. Thank you for helping me by going to daycare!”
 
@daphne1 Oh wow that's so interesting about the time away then loving it when he came back. Man, don't you wish we could just know exactly what's going on in their brains?!

I think that's beautiful about the explaining. I try to do this with my girl as much as I can. I haven't framed it the same way as you, though, and didn't really explain why ... Hm.
 
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