Starting a co-sleeping tradition - once a week

[leematthew1234]

@rengb121 So people who prioritise their kids sleeping separately will say no, because obviously the child may want to do it more often. But whether or not this is an issue is completely down to your family and priorities. From a science based perspective there isn't as much to say here as they are old enough to bed share safely. It's your personal preference. If you and your child enjoy sleeping together occasionally you really don't need our input. It's not all or nothing, you can trial something and backtrack if it's not working, and explain why to the child. Even if sleep quality is slightly reduced, once a week wouldn't really be an issue and you can reassess if that's happening.

Example, I was sharing with my toddler in a king bed. To try to transition her to a toddler bed I had to climb in with her for part of the night, but as she isn't quite ready, it involved a lot of bed merry go round in the middle of the night, and squishing myself on the edge of the toddler bed. Everyone sleeps a lot better straight through if we just stay in the king bed together. She asked me about it and I said if she thinks she can sleep alone she is welcome to try the toddler bed, but I didn't sleep good trying to squeeze in, so I won't be sleeping in there with her. She did accept that

 

[seedtimeharvest]

@rengb121 I'm sure you're already aware that bed-sharing comes with it's own set of challenges. What did you "miss out on" exactly?

If it's extra cuddles you're looking for you could try putting a futon on the floor and inviting your kiddo to cuddle with you. I had a floor futon and used it in the mornings when I was tired but still had to be awake and watch my son. He would play by himself and then check in for some cuddles. It was really sweet.

 

[jolual789]

@seedtimeharvest Devil’s advocate here - but I love cosleeping and totally understand the sentiment of “missing out.” I coslept with both. More with my oldest and less with the youngest, as he was just a better sleeper. I’m so glad I coslept with both and think often about how I’m so glad I got to bond in that special way. Everyone’s sleep preferences are different, but I absolutely love the nighttime cuddles with my kiddos.

 

[gomez2219]

@seedtimeharvest

What did you "miss out on" exactly?

I realize every kid is different, but the only thing my wife and I missed out on by not co-sleeping was even worse sleep than we got when his crib was in our room.

Having our own space and own bed has been priceless.

 

[godsgirl1972]

@seedtimeharvest This. We cuddle on the couch. You get more out of it while you're awake. What are you even enjoying while you're asleep? I'm happy to sit cuddled up to one of my kids while they watch a cartoon and I sip coffee.

 

[totterman]

@seedtimeharvest My 11 month old still co-sleeps. She starts the night in her crib and sometimes stays there until 4am. Sometimes it 12am. Last night was a tough night, maybe teething? I took off her sleep sack thinking she was too hot. (It’s been hotter than usual) She sat up and crawled right next to me and fell fast asleep.

 

[yonniejoy]

@rengb121 Instead of doing a whole night, can you add in naps, story time, or movie nights in your bed to get your cuddle fix? I don’t think 3 year olds have a great grasp on days of the week (or boundaries in general) so I’d be hesitant to change his positive habit of sleeping in his own bed overnight.

 

[rengb121]

@yonniejoy That's a good idea. I was hesitant to do it during his weekend naps since we use this time to get a lot done. But I could try the movie night. He is actually getting really good with grasping the concept of days of the week, but boundaries in general might be an issue hahha

 

[bfewell]

@rengb121 If you are worried about this affecting kiddo’s sleep but still want all the sleep snuggles, you could try movie night in your bed. We don’t co sleep but we do this sometimes on the weekend, everyone snuggled up and watching a movie. It’s way comfier than the couches and the kids love it.

 

[alexanderlisa38]

@rengb121 I had a Thursday night ritual with my mom where we would watch Survivor and then CSI in my parents' bed while my dad had a card night with friends. We didn't go to sleep, just spent quality time together like that and it is some of my most fond memories with her. Would strongly encourage any sort of bonding rituals like that for sure!

 

[sophiaseo]

@rengb121 I did the opposite of most of the commenters here.

I always co-slept with my daughter and really glad that I did. I considered and tried sleep training for a short time, but did not see any benefit as it did not fit our lifestyle. I like to travel and typically we stay at a friend's place or at a hotel. At least once every other month, but typically once a month; 2-3 nights away from home.

In terms of # of hours sleeping, mood, height/weight for age metrics; have never been an issue for my daughter.

Now that my daughter is in Kindergarten, it wasn't an issue for her to sleep in her own room either. She still sleeps with me on Friday/Saturday; when we do weekend movie nights.

I'm really glad I didn't listen to friends in regard to sleep training. I have a much easier time in comparison to my friends when we travel together. We've traveled to 6 countries so far because of how easy it's been.

Note- I follow an attachment parenting philosophy, and anecdotally do feel a closer bond with my daughter. I don't know if it's something that could be measured. But I do know we're both happier when we co-sleep, and there's no issue in developmental growth for us.

I don't think you will regret cuddling with your kid more.

 

[follow_the_word]

@sophiaseo Can you explain what you’re comparing to when you say you feel a “closer bond” due to attachment parenting?

 

[sophiaseo]

@follow_the_word Sure, if I set out the objective to be "have a closer bond with my daughter" (subjective/qualitative). The key results of how I would know I achieved the objective could be as follows:

1. Love communicated. # of nights (or >90% of total nights) where the last words before falling asleep were 'Good night, I love you" by me. # of mornings (or >90% of total mornings) first thing she hears were "Morning! I love you!" by me.
2. Acts of services. # of nights putting the child to bed.
3. Caregiving. # of time and response time for feeding baby and changing diapers
4. Soothing (reduce anxiety for child); # of times when the child wakes up middle of the night cries or feels anxious. % of total times anxious moments occurred. *I was aware of each instance, and was able to soothe immediately; because I was physically there.
5. Quality time spent. # or hours/minutes spent with child.

If I had high numbers on all of these metrics; I think it would be undeniable that I have a closer bond with my daughter than not doing those things. Between the 2 options of co-sleeping and independent sleeping; I don't think I would achieve better numbers (volume, capacity, efficiency) from implementing independent sleep instead of co-sleeping. I feel it's justifiable for me to say I feel I have a closer bond because we did co-sleep.

Of course 'closer bond' doesn't mean the 'best solution' or the only criterion. Co-sleeping may negatively affect the parent's mental health from lack of sleep. Every situation is different.

 

[follow_the_word]

@sophiaseo Right, but closer bond than… what? It’s awesome that you feel close to your kid but this seems circular - “I am closer to my child than parents who don’t cosleep because I cosleep which makes me closer to my child”?

I have no objections to cosleeping but I’m flagging that it’s a big (and as far as I can tell unsupported) assertion to suggest parents who cosleep are closer to their kids than parents who don’t.

 

[sophiaseo]

@follow_the_word I never made the claim that I have a closer bond than other parents who do not. My claim is between the two methods, I feel closer bond. My claims are supported by the quantifiable metrics. I only compare me to me. My own actions I did do, and actions what I would have done. I’m not trying try track my own against yours or anybody else.

I also did not tell anybody to CoSleep. I really don’t care what others do. It doesn’t affect my life. I can only say what has worked well for me.

Now my question to you, how would you measure yourself if you gained a closer bond between different options. Again not asking you to measure against others, but your own measures? How would would know if you achieved the objective of gaining a closer bond?

 

[ovixs90]

@rengb121 I feel like you chose your words wisely so, if you don’t mind me asking, what about your decision do you deeply regret?

I’ve bed shared with my two kids (my third is still sleeping in her bassinet for now, let’s see what the future holds).

 

[rengb121]

@ovixs90 Good question, and I think the long answer would be way too long for this platform. To try and summarize it I would say the reasons would break down into two categories: emotional and practical. I never co slept with my parents and I remember when we tried to nap together when I was older it was always awkward for me and i am very afraid that my son who is already growing up will feel the same. I was also never really close with my parents and, although I understand that not co sleeping is not the reason, I can't help but make some connections there. I want my child to want and love to sleep with us for as long as possible.
The happiness on his face whenever we napped together was something that I haven't seen on him before and it broke my heart to think that we are depriving him of that daily. The feeling that I got when sleeping together was overwhelmingly euphoric for me. Basically it's ~8 hours of additional bonding that we are missing out on.
For practical reasons, it mostly has to do with travelling and convenience of sleeping in the same bed versus having to look for places with extra rooms and beds.
Of course there are MANY upsides to him sleeping in his bed and i used to be convinced that they outweighed the downsides but now that he is growing up and not really used to sleeping with us I am beginning to worry that we will never experience this closeness.