daniel1136
New member
@daniel1136 Happy Cake Day! I am just scared of what she'd say knowing that at a point before lockdown, I was sexually active.
daniel1136
New member
@chesney Thanks for the heads up, I wouldnt have known! Also, YOU'RE 20! You have to be either Asian or Middle Eastern because those are the only two ethnicities that I know of that would feel that a fucking 20 year old shouldnt be having sex. You're an adult! You should tell them. I have a feeling that youre scared they will react like that, but as a parent, the gravity of the situation wouldnt allow me to feel anything else except for feeling like I failed you. I sure as shit wouldnt be mad. And if she does get mad, I hate to say this but you should tell her to fuck off and leave. To have ANYONE, let alone a PARENT tell you it was your fault for being raped is 100% unacceptable. I dont care if you were naked laying on the side walk passed out drunk. Unless you say it's OK, it's not OK!
@daniel1136 No problem 
Not Asian or Middle Eastern at all actually! I'm Caucasian, Western European to be specific. But this message just made me cry because I know my parents will focus on everything else but the fact that i was raped. Like they'd go into stranger danger, or how I should have just said no at first (to clarify, I agreed to it first but when he started to get violent I withdrew consent and kept going while I screamed and begged him to stop.) Thanks for your reply!!
Not Asian or Middle Eastern at all actually! I'm Caucasian, Western European to be specific. But this message just made me cry because I know my parents will focus on everything else but the fact that i was raped. Like they'd go into stranger danger, or how I should have just said no at first (to clarify, I agreed to it first but when he started to get violent I withdrew consent and kept going while I screamed and begged him to stop.) Thanks for your reply!!@chesney Oh my love, that is not true at all. That is victim blaming at it's finest, you weren't at fault for how he behaved just because he was your Tinder date. People meet and marry off of Tinder as well, it can go either way, any way, all the time... he could have just as easily been a man from your work or college...
Women who blame other women for sexual violence against them struggle with a lot of internalized misogyny and may not even realize it. If she fawns over the alpha male types and defends toxic masculinity as "gentlemanly" then please, please please do not believe anything like her opinion on Tinder and your traumatic experience.
I would talk to a therapist, and if you want to tell your parents, maybe wait until you have some emotional support in your corner from a counselor. No matter what you decide to do please don't ever believe it was your fault. He is a rapist pig, he chose to harm you.. that was not a decision you helped him to make in any way. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Hang in there
Women who blame other women for sexual violence against them struggle with a lot of internalized misogyny and may not even realize it. If she fawns over the alpha male types and defends toxic masculinity as "gentlemanly" then please, please please do not believe anything like her opinion on Tinder and your traumatic experience.
I would talk to a therapist, and if you want to tell your parents, maybe wait until you have some emotional support in your corner from a counselor. No matter what you decide to do please don't ever believe it was your fault. He is a rapist pig, he chose to harm you.. that was not a decision you helped him to make in any way. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Hang in there
deadstar4545
New member
@chesney First of all, it's 1000% not your fault, so please don't think that.
Secondly, you need to tell someone. If you know your mom will react harshly, do you have someone else you can go to? Maybe an aunt or grandmother? What about a therapist?
I'm sorry you went through this, and I hope you can find someone to talk to.
Secondly, you need to tell someone. If you know your mom will react harshly, do you have someone else you can go to? Maybe an aunt or grandmother? What about a therapist?
I'm sorry you went through this, and I hope you can find someone to talk to.
@chesney I'm a parent, but even more importantly, I'm a daughter of a Mother who has similar opinions to your Mom's. Because of that, I have had her on a strict information diet for many years to avoid the harsh criticism that she spews out when I tell her anything that's happened to me that doesn't follow her line of thinking. I, personally, would seek comfort and solace in close friends and an understanding therapist versus my Mom. I'd literally never hear the end of it if I told her I had been raped during a Tinder date. Also, as a Parent, I am doing everything possible to ensure my kids can come to me with any issues knowing that I will welcome them with open arms and no prejudgments. If anything, I've learned to parent my kids better because my Mom's opposite methods. Good luck, OP!
katrina2017
New member
stevansmith255
New member
@chesney There's no way we can know if your parents will respond with the love and care you deserve. I'd want to know, but I have also strongly believed that victim blaming is helping no one except the wrong doers. I am so incredibly sorry for what you've gone through. It is my sincere hope that if you tell them, they will comfort you. You deserve no less than complete love and support in this. I hope they pay for what they did to you and that you are able to find peace. This was not your fault.
katrina2017
New member
@chesney This is a very tough question to answer. I was raped when I was a teenager and my mom told me it was my fault because I wore a short dress to the Homecoming dance. To this day, what she said is a large part of what affected me from that trauma. A year later a boy from school followed me home, climbed through my window and raped me violently while my mom was out. I never told her about that incident because of the way she reacted to the first one.
Now fast forward 25 years and if either of my daughters were raped, I of course would not have that reaction towards them and I would want to know immediately. Keeping this to yourself is a very large burden, and you will probably be working through this trauma for some time. I do NOT believe someone is asking for rape just because of this or that. Who WANTS to be raped?!?! All that being said, if you tell your parents and their reaction is negative, that could stay with you for a long time as well. My best advice would be to talk to a therapist, not only to work through the trauma but to get advice on best to handle this situation. I do really hope that you can find the support that you need, and if you only remember one thing from this response please let it be this: YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.
Now fast forward 25 years and if either of my daughters were raped, I of course would not have that reaction towards them and I would want to know immediately. Keeping this to yourself is a very large burden, and you will probably be working through this trauma for some time. I do NOT believe someone is asking for rape just because of this or that. Who WANTS to be raped?!?! All that being said, if you tell your parents and their reaction is negative, that could stay with you for a long time as well. My best advice would be to talk to a therapist, not only to work through the trauma but to get advice on best to handle this situation. I do really hope that you can find the support that you need, and if you only remember one thing from this response please let it be this: YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.
@chesney I have two daughters, both school age still. I'm terrified of this happening to them and so, so sorry that this happened to you. It is not your fault, Tinder or not, predators have been around long before Tinder.
If one of my daughter were to tell me they were raped, first I would be horrified for them and angry at the attacker. I wouldn't blame them, ever, even if they were walking down the street naked because it is never the victims fault. I think after processing those emotions together, only then would I ask for circumstances, again, not to blame them but to understand.
I was raped, but luckily my brain shut down and I don't remember a majority of what happened, just that it happened. I even pursued my attacker and forced him to acknowledge what he did and apologize. This is a unique case of course, but I would want to express to my kid that she can overcome this and just...be there for her.
Again, so sorry this happened to you, and as a mom, I would want to know. Good luck, and if she blames you then I'm your mom now and I love you.
If one of my daughter were to tell me they were raped, first I would be horrified for them and angry at the attacker. I wouldn't blame them, ever, even if they were walking down the street naked because it is never the victims fault. I think after processing those emotions together, only then would I ask for circumstances, again, not to blame them but to understand.
I was raped, but luckily my brain shut down and I don't remember a majority of what happened, just that it happened. I even pursued my attacker and forced him to acknowledge what he did and apologize. This is a unique case of course, but I would want to express to my kid that she can overcome this and just...be there for her.
Again, so sorry this happened to you, and as a mom, I would want to know. Good luck, and if she blames you then I'm your mom now and I love you.
@chesney I like the suggestion another commenter made about bringing them to a counseling appt with you to tell them in a safe space. If you're unable to, I'd just sit down and tell them. I grew up with conservative parents too so I understand the fear of judgement, so just do what you feel is the best for you.
@chesney Tell them, I waited a year to tell mine and almost four to get actual psychotherapy help. Get yourself some therapy.
I will say, my narcissistic mom has used it against me a few times and my dad has victim blamed me for it. It's possible you get a similar reaction, however, I want to be very clear, this is not at all your fault. The only cause for rape, is rapists.
Stay strong, it will be okay.
I will say, my narcissistic mom has used it against me a few times and my dad has victim blamed me for it. It's possible you get a similar reaction, however, I want to be very clear, this is not at all your fault. The only cause for rape, is rapists.
Stay strong, it will be okay.
xxtrollbasherxx
New member
@chesney I'm a parent of 3 daughters, the oldest about your age. I would definitely want to know. I would want to be able to support her through this, know any triggers, help with any legal things. And just to love on her a little extra.
Now... YOUR parents. First, I think what they've said to you about tinder dates is complete unacceptable. I have other words, but we'll stick with that one for now.
That said, these are your parents and they said what they said. They believe what they believe. You are dealing with enough right now and it is not your responsibility to educate them. Not now.
Your story is YOURS. You can tell it when and how you choose, in as much or as little detail as you choose. My advice is to tell them the central fact. They should know, IF you feel that they will support you and care for you. They do not, however, need to know the details (who, how, etc). That is yours and you can piece it out to them as you feel comfortable doing so. Or not at all- your call.
Right now you need support. Tell them what they need to know in order to provide that. As you get stronger and are coping better and they, possibly, grow a bit... you can choose to share more.
Now... YOUR parents. First, I think what they've said to you about tinder dates is complete unacceptable. I have other words, but we'll stick with that one for now.
That said, these are your parents and they said what they said. They believe what they believe. You are dealing with enough right now and it is not your responsibility to educate them. Not now.
Your story is YOURS. You can tell it when and how you choose, in as much or as little detail as you choose. My advice is to tell them the central fact. They should know, IF you feel that they will support you and care for you. They do not, however, need to know the details (who, how, etc). That is yours and you can piece it out to them as you feel comfortable doing so. Or not at all- your call.
Right now you need support. Tell them what they need to know in order to provide that. As you get stronger and are coping better and they, possibly, grow a bit... you can choose to share more.
@chesney I am now a parent of a seven year old daughter. I would hope she would be able to tell me.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 18, and I never told my parents. I wish I had - though it might've been complicated for them due to their conservative religious beliefs - I think they would have helped me seek counseling, which I really could've benefitted from.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are able to find help and healing soon.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 18, and I never told my parents. I wish I had - though it might've been complicated for them due to their conservative religious beliefs - I think they would have helped me seek counseling, which I really could've benefitted from.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are able to find help and healing soon.