Shifting timeline for a friends wedding

[mikeyjesus]

I know the title will make everyone say “don’t do it!” But hear me out.

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years and are getting married (finally!) in October. We waited on marriage to pursue advanced degrees, get settled in careers, etc. I was definitely getting impatient towards the end but ultimately glad we waited. In terms of TTC, he’s still a little nervous because he’s just not totally ready to have a tiny human physically attached to us 24/7, but who ever is? In any case, we are currently 29&30 with birthdays at the end of the year so he knows we can’t wait forever and he’s supportive of whenever I want to start trying.

Initially I suggested we pull the goalie (just condoms, I’ve been off the pill since 2019) on the honeymoon because why wait? He was like “woah maybe get through the holidays first?” We settled on “not preventing” during that time, then actively trying in January ‘22.

Now, my best friend and maid of honor in my wedding is engaged (yay!). Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t mess around with our TTC timeline for her wedding - just like I’d tell anyone else. There’s always a reason to push things back. But I couldn’t help automatically calculating how pregnant I’d be if she had her wedding in month X or Y and I got pregnant in month A or B. Ultimately, she’s decided on a Caribbean destination wedding in October of 2022. I really want to go to that wedding. Not just because it will be a lot of fun, but because she’s been an incredible maid of honor thus far and has really gone above and beyond. Obviously she would understand if I was 40 weeks preggo and couldn’t come, but I would be really sad about it. I wouldn’t consider moving my timeline for anyone else but her, and really only because it’s destination/ requires flying.

I’m not willing to wait a whole extra year, but if we push just to March of 2022 I’d be ~30 weeks pregnant at the time of her wedding (assuming we conceived the first cycle, obviously no way to predict that). I know there are other considerations when traveling internationally and especially to that part of the world when pregnant and I would obviously discuss those with my OB and if I’m not cleared from a health perspective, I would have to miss the wedding.

Other benefits of waiting two extra months:

• we are also closing on a house next month so it gives us extra time to get settled and let our finances recoup
• my car will be paid off in January and I will probably be able to pay off my (minimal) student loan debt by March or April once I have that extra cash to throw at it, so we would be debt free except the mortgage
• my fiancé gets more time to mentally prepare and feel closer to “ready”

Sorry this ended up being way long, just needed to write out my thoughts.

 

[praisestogod]

@mikeyjesus Sounds reasonable to me! When I was 30, I wouldn't have thought twice about waiting a few extra months for a very good friend. In my almost mid 30's, I feel a little differently. FYI, in my opinion, if you're not preventing from October-December, you're sort of trying Just keep in mind realistically, you might have a baby at the wedding, ha.

 

[willy_b]

@praisestogod And further, check if baby would be able to go or need special vaccines or something!

 

[kyfisher1]

@praisestogod Yup 100%. I’m turning 34 this fall and one of my closest friends is getting married in May overseas. We are planning to start trying in the next month or two and not delaying, even though if I get pregnant quickly I won’t be able to go to the wedding. If I were younger I wouldn’t blink at delaying for a few months for a wedding, but it’s different now.

 

[mikeyjesus]

@praisestogod Oh yes, I’m aware haha. If we push to March we would probably continue using condoms until then and if not we would definitely avoid having sex around ovulation. My cycle is really regular and easy to track, fortunately.

Edit - sorry for some reason this comment posted three times lol

 

[wayofthepromise]

@mikeyjesus That amount of delay seems appropriate. If you had mentioned wanting to wait until after her wedding I’d say probs not, but the couple of months is smart and a good balance that still gives you a specific window to start

 

[aditemonroe15]

@mikeyjesus We're in almost the same situation! October 2022 wedding. It is a wedding we have to travel to but luckily only a few states away and it's driving distance. We plan on ttc in august and are in agreement that if it doesn't happen by November, we'll need to push back until next spring. I do not mind being pregnant at the wedding, but we don't want to risk a due date anywhere near October cause you never know what could happen and I refuse to travel with a newborn. And everyone would want to hold them which would make me nervous being a FTM with a brand new baby. This individual took a whole week off for our wedding and was so great and we wouldn't want to risk not being able to attend. So I totally get it!

 

[wayofthepromise]

@mikeyjesus That amount of delay seems appropriate. If you had mentioned wanting to wait until after her wedding I’d say probs not, but the couple of months is smart and a good balance that still gives you a specific window to start

 

[larrybjr10]

@mikeyjesus I made almost this same decision with regard to a professional meeting next February. Definitely not something I’d recommend planning conception around, but it’s in a great place and it’s a huge meeting where I’ll catch up with friends who I used to see every day and have since moved all over. My husband is reluctant anyway so adding a few months for that made sense to me.

 

[neilarmstrong]

@mikeyjesus I agree that a few months is okay especially for a very best friend! It’s not like you’re doing that for every wedding you get invited to! Most of my friends aren’t married yet and we plan on starting to try next year so I know there’s going to be some wedding conflicts in my future.

Also I think having all of the other reasons adds a lot to. We pushed our timeline back a few months to have the ski season here which sounds silly but this year is our first and potentially only time living close to a ski resort and I am an avid skier but my husband has never been so we feel like this is an important time for him to learn when we both can go. My baby fever makes me tempted to un-push it back but it is also likely that we will move again around 9 months from now and for my own enjoyment of the birth and newborn experience I absolutely do not want to try and do both within a few months of each other. Plus as you also said my husband could use a bit more time to mentally prepare and as of now i have no reason to believe we would have major fertility issues so a short delay seems okay

 

[enfyre]

@mikeyjesus Wow, I just had a really similar situation come up! My maid of honor got engaged a while ago but pushed off their wedding planning because of COVID. I met up with them last night and she was excited to tell me they were now planning a destination wedding in Mexico— and it would take place right around the time I’d be super pregnant or have a newborn if we conceived quickly based on our current plan.

She is my one close friend and without a doubt the only wedding I’ll ever be in... I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t go. We still have a while so I’m going to think it over, but I might rethink my plan a little, just for her.

I think your plan sounds very reasonable, wishing you the best!

 

[buggins]

@mikeyjesus Honestly as long as it's YOUR choice and it's not due to pressure from anyone else, do what you want to do! I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to miss your best friend's wedding and be a great maid of honor for her, too. It seems like you've found a middle ground to make it all possible.

 

[cmadukasi]

@mikeyjesus Like other comments, I had a similar situation. Our original ttc plan changed thanks to covid last year, and our "conceive on first try without protection month" after that would have me due at my best friend's wedding, so I pushed back a few months so I wouldnt be heavily pregnant.

I'm glad I did because (whilst we're still trying) I was able to run around and help the bride get ready, do whatever she needed, and enjoy her day

You seem to have it really thought out and doing it for the right reasons, and it's a couple of extra months just having fun together without any thoughts of ttc

 

[yeshuaisonlyhope]

@mikeyjesus I'm sort of in a similar boat, my childhood best friend is getting married at Disney World and I'm maid of honor. I really wanted to take my SO to disney one time before we have children because I used to work there and I want to share the magic with him before we have children and then we can concentrate on our kids on future trips. We haven't been able to justify a trip for ourselves in the last few years but my friends wedding is the perfect opportunity. She's getting married in September 2022 and I definitely don't want to be heavily pregnant in humid Florida during her wedding. We are postponing until 2023 and I'm totally okay with it. Everyone is on their own timelines for one reason or another. My worry is that I will always find another reason to postpone the start dates for us, and maybe you worry that's how you're being perceived?