SAHPs, I Keep Messing Up and I'm Embarrassed. I Need to Fix This

[ajewelinhiscrown]

I'm the SAHD, all day, every day. I take care of almost everything on the home/parenting front - I'd say at least 90% if not more. I don't know what is going on. We just took a trip to Florida for vacation. Before that, my wife was working crazy hours and everything was stressful. Before we left, I washed a blanket that my 2 y/o had thrown up all over only to find I ruined it in the wash. It came up completely shrunken and it was my 7 y/o's favorite blanket on her bed. It was $200. I replaced it with a new one I ordered.

We got back from our trip. My wife asked me to wash a sweater of hers, so I very stupidly threw it in the wash only to find it came out completely shrunk and I ruined it. I found a new one on eBay and ordered it. My wife doesn't know this yet. She's going to say I'm an idiot.

But what is wrong with me? I don't usually mess up so much like this.

My kids all had strep for the second time in the last 5 months. My wife and I had it too. We finished our antibiotics in Florida. We flew home a day early due to my wife's work scheduling an important in-person meeting. My 5 y/o yesterday developed a full-body itchy rash. I've never seen anything like it. This morning it was worse. Our pediatrician told us this morning via phone to get Zyrtec and we did and the rash is going down. My 5 y/o was out of school for the day so she stayed home with myself and my 2 y/o. We had a bed delivered this morning and installed since we moved into a new place two months ago. So I oversaw that as part of my duties today.

At 2:38 PM I got an email: "Is 5 coming for her swim lesson today?" Her swim lesson is 2:30 every Wednesday. Ballet is afterward nearby. I missed both of those things. I was picking up my 7 y/o at 4:30 PM from after school with my other two with me.

I keep messing up. There is too much going on. I don't know how to fix it.

 

[saltlamp]

@ajewelinhiscrown OP, I remember you from your previous posts.

It's not supposed to be this hard. You shouldn't have to do everything and remember everything all on your own. This is supposed to be a partnership. You should be able to rely on your spouse and not worry that she'll have an emotional outburst that her sweater shrunk in the wash. We all make mistakes and we all need breaks. Marriage and the SAHP dynamic isn't supposed to be this way.

At this risk of being too forward: is your wife getting help? Have you found a support system?

 

[bymay]

@saltlamp And it’s not ok for your spouse to call you an idiot! That is abusive! OP, please don’t accept this. I highly suggest you enter therapy for yourself and start reading The Dance of Anger.
Sending you hugs!

 

[charismaticlady]

@ajewelinhiscrown Your biggest screw ups as a parent have been incorrectly washing a few items of clothing (which you replaced!) and missing two activities for your kids? This is still Parent of the Year territory! I’m pretty sure I make more than this many mistakes in a day. It sounds like your family and household are very well taken care of. Grace, my friend.

 

[steadfastspirit]

@ajewelinhiscrown Hey I don't think you're messing up so bad.

We've all shrunk things in the wash, it happens!
The rash isn't your fault at all and I don't think going to swimming with a rash is that great of an idea anyways so shrug maybe forgetting the class was a blessing in disguise.

Try to relax tonight, you're busy give yourself some grace. Get some sleep tomorrow is a new day!

I put all the activities in my phone calendar with a one hour reminder so maybe that's something that could help you.

 

[alanstranger1]

@steadfastspirit I agree, I wouldn’t have taken the kid to either of those lessons in that condition anyway. It’s fine! The only real problem here is that OP is getting down on himself and catastrophizing normal mistakes.

 

[ryannate]

@ajewelinhiscrown You are doing a great job! Just reading about all you do has me exhausted. Like you said, it's all too much, and you're doing everything you can. You're no slouch!

It's normal and easy to forget things when routines get messed up. The rash isn't your fault, and you put the priority as your child (rightfully so). Maybe have an honest conversation with your wife about feeling overwhelmed and how you may need to start reorganizing priorities.

And you're human, so be kind to yourself.

ETA something that helps me is that I use my phone calendar and reminder notifications all the time for things I have to do or appointments. I'll set up notifications for a day before or in the morning so it's on my mind for the "schedule" that day.

 

[string_theory]

@ryannate One of my kids has dance lessons on consecutive days and I cannot, for the life of me, remember which time goes with which day. My phone reminds me an hour before the lesson every time, otherwise I would absolutely forget a lesson at least once all month.

 

[zakariyya]

@ajewelinhiscrown You've got a lot going on and your brain needs a break. Vacation with kids is not very relaxing or restful. This is your brain asking for some support.

If you want ideas on actions to take... For a while, I was spiraling, and I got myself an appointment calendar so that I could write everything down in 15 min increments. I am already diligent about writing things down in my calendar, but I needed to adjust the reminder time from 10 mins to 1 hour, and I got more disciplined about checking my calendar to review what I needed to do the next day.

I started taking ginko biloba supplements for memory and taurine for focus. They seem to be working, but I'm also coming out of my depression... Ish. So, YMMV.

 

[brian1970]

@ajewelinhiscrown You’re stretched VERY thin. There is only so much you can do. That schedule with that many kids and only one adult is hard. How are you surviving without help is the question. No chance you can hire a local teen to help out? Maybe just w some basic tidying and walking kids home. If not the the option is good old self compassion. Shit happens. Fabric is replaceable. You got this!

 

[ocean_soul]

@ajewelinhiscrown SAHP responsibilities are just a heavy load on the working memory, I'd see this as simply a string of bad luck and not a sign that you're slipping! Could be even that the perceived pattern is making you hyper aware of your mistakes.

Re laundry, I wonder if you could set up a system for special-care garments. Like you could buy a ton of delicates bags for those to go in as soon as they enter the dirty laundry, or mark the tags so they're flagged. (I put things that must hang to dry in a delicates bag in the wash, my spouse knows to watch for these and not move them to the dryer.) Or you could put a post it note or string across the washer door just as a visual reminder to double check for problems before you hit the button.

 

[tanananana]

@ajewelinhiscrown A messed up routine and kids sick multiple times? Give yourself some grace. You're doing just fine. Just one of those things with one kid is enough to make my brain short out.

Mine was sick with various things for almost 2 weeks. She'd get better for a day or two, then come down with something else. She went back to school Monday and I still feel like my brain is fried.

I got the dishes done today, but they're not getting put away tonight and I forgot to call around for lawn care services for the second day in a row. I went to run three errands and forgot the third one by the time I finished the second. My daughter has makeup work to do from being sick and we got zero done this evening, and she really tried my patience today. But she's fed and safely and soundly sleeping in her bed after telling me that I'm "the best mommy".

If I'm really struggling to remember something, or I forget it multiple times, I set myself reminders on my calendar or make a to-do list on my phone, no matter how menial the task. Sometimes you just can't keep everything in your head and that's okay. You're one person and you have limits but this isn't some personal failing.

And also, if it makes you feel better, I once washed and ruined my husband's professional license.

 

[ahnubiss]

@ajewelinhiscrown Hey, friend.

This all feels really, really hard. A move, illness, travel, and a spouse whose work gets prioritized above even family vacation is stressful!

Give yourself the grace to respect that you're overwhelmed because it's overwhelming. Do the bare minimum to get by. Delegate whatever you can to your spouse.

I hope this passes soon. You need some of this to let up. You are not messing up. It would be too much for anyone.

 

[nader1]

@ajewelinhiscrown Honey, you’re doing fine!!!! Sounds like you are doing a really great job juggling a really tough stage of life. I can’t even count how many times I’ve ruined a LOAD of laundry by washing lipstick. You are not stupid! Also, missing an activity is nbd. Seriously, stop swearing it! And if your wife is unkind to you about it, then you need to have a talk with her. 90% of all childcare and chores is honestly too much for one person. Of course you won’t do it perfectly.

 

[cat1223]

@ajewelinhiscrown This is so hard. Please know that you’re doing a great job. Missing lessons and shrinking laundry feel terrible when they happen, but you are doing so much for your family by staying home and focusing on your family’s needs.

The rash reaction could be related to a certain antibiotic allergy, specifically sulfa. Look into what kind of antibiotics that was prescribed. If it is sulfa based, there is a good chance that your child is allergic to it. It’s a rare allergy, but itchy body rash is the most common symptom. (I’m not qualified to give out professional medical advice and this is based on a personal experience with antibiotics and consultations with doctors.)

 

[katrina2017]

@ajewelinhiscrown I completely forgot to have my oldest attend their activity today.

Start taking time to just stand still. Literally, when you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you’re swimming in everything, stand still and just organize your thoughts. Ignore the kids, they’ll be ok for a few minutes while you check in with yourself and organize.

 

[godstruth]

@ajewelinhiscrown Those are such minor mistakes. Stop beating yourself up, you sound like you’re actually doing great. This isn’t an easy job.

Oh, and your wife should t be calling you an idiot for making normal human mistakes.

 

[nmaddog46]

@ajewelinhiscrown They make laundry room posters with a guide to the laundry code on tags if it’s that important. Generally unless it needs sanitizing I wash everything on cold. The blanket may have been unavoidable in getting shrunk.

Missing lessons one night is better than going sick.

Days like this happen, have a cup tea. Relax the kids are ok, you and your wife are ok. You and your loved ones are the important part of life.

 

[taznq15]

@ajewelinhiscrown There is a app out there called Todoist. My husband uses it religiously and claims that if it ever went down he would forget everything. Anyways, point being, being a sahp is a job! So go ahead and treat yourself to some kind if task management tool! We all need methods of staying organized. You don’t need to keep it all up in your head. I just use a refrigerator calendar and look at a lot. It needs to be updated. I’ve been winging it for a few weeks and that is typically when i get in trouble!

 

[saturnsteve]

@ajewelinhiscrown I suggest getting a shared mobile calendar that you and your wife can add stuff onto(I use Cozi) Color coded, everything goes there. When you make appointments pull that sucker up and enter them in at that moment. Check it when you make plans, USE the snot out of it.

I also suggest a dry erase calandra board, something like this. get colored markers to match your mobile calendar and place it where your family will see it all the time ( living room, entryway, mud room,) it’s important that your spouse also knows what’s going on, so there is less of a chance to overbook.

Set up alarms on your phone to go off 30-45 minutes before re occurring events ( ballet, swim, school pick up) so you get a reminder and can act. Give yourself enough time to be able to load the kids up and get there. Also have the kids stuff needed for sports and activities loaded and ready to go at least the day before. This prevents the running around looking for things when you need to leave.

As for laundry I recommend having a bin that your wife puts all her delicate/ hand wash cloths into. Things that if washed wrong will not survive, have her wash them herself.

It’s hard not to feel crazy when you are carrying a large metal load. Hopefully some organization and communication can help.