SAHP guilt... I feel like I’m not pulling my weight

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atlas2023

New member
I’m not sure what I’m asking for with this post. Maybe advice? Reassurance? Strategies?

I stay at home with my daughter who is 8mo. This is ‘normal’ in the UK as most mothers take 9-12 months maternity leave. However, I have handed my notice in and won’t be going back to work for the foreseeable future.

Currently, I care for her all night and all day time. Husband does 6-7.30am (when he’s getting ready for work) and bedtime routine although I ‘put her down’.

However, I feel like I don’t do anything else / enough. He does all the evening cooking (while I’m putting her to sleep). He does the washing. He does the food shopping. He does most of the cleaning. On top of a full time job (teacher).

I just feel like, as I have chosen to take on the job of SAHP, I should be stepping up and managing most of those responsibilities as well as childcare. I feel like he’s giving more to the family than I am. But I’m so exhausted that I don’t know how to do more.

Baby has gastrointestinal problems (investigating whether it is complex non-IgE food allergies). Because of this she’s only on small amounts of mashed potato twice a day, so I have to breastfeed her every 2 hours to ensure calories are met, this includes throughout the night. She’s often in a lot of tummy pain (we’ve been told to stop giving her regular pain killers) which at best, I find emotionally difficult to have her cry and not be able to help, and at worst, she’s up for 2 hours at a time during the night unable to sleep. She poops 2-6 times a day, often crying and straining for 30-120mins before, then they’re explosive so need full outfit change and often a bath. Because of her possible allergies and breastfeeding, I’m on a restricted diet where I can’t eat 15 allergens so it’s next to impossible to eat/drink out (which is usually how my friends meet up). And then because she’s frequently in pain and frequently nursing, I can’t/ won’t leave her for more than 30mins to get some ‘me time’. Hence I’m so exhausted.

Husband is totally fine with this setup. But I have lots of friends with babies of the same age who seem to be ‘rocking it’ as SAHP and are managing all responsibilities. Yet I’m not.

Edit
Thank you so much for everyone’s kind and supportive comments. I was expecting a couple of people to list some strategies or routines to get me to do more. But when I saw it was full of affirming and reassuring comments, I got super emotional (had a good cry). I’ve spoken with my husband (and shown him the post). He echos what all of you were saying and doesn’t feel like he’s overwhelmed with how much he’s contributing. However, we are going to look into getting a cleaner once a month to deep clean the main rooms. I’m able to keep most things tidy and it’d be easier to manage the cleaning if it’s just surface things to do. We also might look at doing online food shops, we’ve always held off this in the past because we usually shop at a cheaper supermarket that doesn’t offer it (Lidl) but with my dietary restrictions we’re having to go to Tesco anyway so might as well get it delivered! Thank you again fo taking the time and energy to comment, I’m going to try to work through replying to each comment around baby (might take until this evening!).
 
@atlas2023 The way I had to view being a SAHP changed drastically once I was actually in the thick of it. I assured my husband that if I could stay home, not only would we save on childcare costs, it would free me up to take care of the house and do a lot more cooking. He hates housework and loved the idea of being free from it, so combined with that and the fact that childcare was freakin expensive (it would basically suck up almost all of my take home pay from my job), he agreed.

I quickly felt like you. Like I was drowning. Like I had no other time or energy for anything but keeping my son alive and happy. I had so much anxiety about it and was so stressed out all the time. The only time I was able to get much done was if someone came over to help me with my son so I could focus on house work or dinner or whatever needed getting done. Unlike your husband, mine wouldn’t step up to assist with cleaning unless I asked, but unlike your situation, my son had no health issues other than he just didn’t seem to believe in sleep. It was still impossibly hard (and my heart goes out to you that you’re dealing with even more!)

Eventually I came to realize how unrealistic my view of a SAHP was. Maybe in the future I can be “Betty Homemaker” when my son is more self sustaining and everyone it getting better sleep and square meals, but these first few years are tough! I had to essentially accept that the real job of a SAHP, especially if a really young one, is to keep that child or children alive, fed, safe, content, etc. Everything else is a bonus. What helped me realize this is that if we had placed my son in daycare, they wouldn’t be also cleaning my house or cooking us dinner. They wouldn’t do our laundry. They would watch our son from the hours we were at work and then we’d come home and be expected to parent, take care of the house, errands, etc together.

The older my son got (he turned 2 at the end of July) the more I was gradually able to pick up some other chores. Sometimes we’d have a great week and I could get dinner on the table most nights and the house was clean. Sometimes it was hell and nothing got done and I’d stare daggers at the dog hair gathering in the corners. The more his sleep squared away, the more mine did too and the more I was able to get stuff done either during his routine naps or before he woke up for the day, Sometimes even after he went to bed. Other days I was so exhausted I napped when he did.

All this to basically say you’re not alone. It does get easier, but it’s gradual and it can feel like one step forward, two steps back. Accepting that is the hardest freaking thing and I still struggle with that sometimes, especially when I go from a good week to a bad one. Try not to beat yourself up too much! The important thing to remember is what an amazing mom you’re already being to that little one with the sacrifices you’ve had to make alone.
 
@doctoroliver83 I wish that was the case for us! But with our animals and where we live (semi rural so lots and lots of dust and dirt to blow in and track in), the house gets dirty insanely fast. Even rooms that no one goes in that stay mostly closed tend to get dusty in a week.
 
@robbie777 Thank you so much for your comment. Reading everyone’s comments has definitely made me think I need to reframe my mind a thoughts on what important about being a SAHP. It’s the child not the laundry
 
@atlas2023 Naw, lady. You got a double whammy of super difficult stuff from issues with your baby. You're taking the brunt of that because you must. Your husband is a smart man and sees that he can help you in other ways. You two sound like a good team and you shouldn't feel bad that you're not able to do more now.
 
@atlas2023 Oh my goodness. If you are nursing every 2 hours through the night then you are just plain exhausted. I'm guessing your husband is being compassionate about this and being a good husband.

Sounds like you're rocking it to me!
 
@lifos Yes I am.. I hit me most around 7 months. I sleep during her naps in the day which I find is the main way I can cope, I struggle if she has her longer nap out so I can’t sleep. Thank you.
 
@atlas2023 Spouse to a SAHM. Sometimes she does more. Sometimes I do more. We never keep score and we always try to give each other a break.

Just show him he is appreciated. That will be more than enough.
 
@atlas2023 Try baby on lactose free formula. There is lactose even in breast milk. (I cut dairy out of my diet and it helped a bit but not notibly) It might be worth a shot. My son had similar issues and was like a different baby after a few days on lactose free formula.
 
@iwannaknow Thank you. They suspected lactose overload (which I was told is the form of breastfed lactose intolerance - different to cows milk protein allergy) when she was around 5 months. For for 5 days I block fed (to reduce my supple), didn’t comfort feed (which was not nice because she did that a lot as she was in pain a lot with her tummy) and only fed her every 3-4 hours (also not nice because she was used to feeding every 2hrs).
It made absolutely no difference. So they moved onto trying something else.
 
@atlas2023 I’m not sure that would make a difference because there’s lactose in breast milk. The only thing that can help that is lactose free formula. Of course it might be something else but based on the symptoms it sounds really similar to what we went through.
 
@atlas2023 Just appreciate your husband. Every day. Tell him, show him, hug him. That is the only secret. Everything is exactly as it should be. Postpartum lasts for 18 months. You are in the thick of it. Heal your self- all the parts of yourself, and appreciate the people who are in the trenches with you. He isn’t doing anything you wouldn’t do if he needed the care. This is just what love looks like and it is humbling at times.
 
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