Sad News today

[safat]

Hey fellas, new to the sub and hoping in the future I can post more exciting news but today after only about 7 wks we were told that our first attempt is likely going to be nonviable. We weren’t officially diagnosed as a miscarriage but the doctor more or less said it’s a pretty sure thing.

Some background, we are both 35 and in okay health (some chronic illness for both of us but mostly under control) and have no concerns about genetic issues or anything of that sort. This is our first go at any of this and we’re completely green.

After the first ultrasound last week, we were told the heartrate was a little low for how far along we were but not anything drastically alarming but today the heartrate was even lower and there was minimal growth. I almost knew when the fetus showed up on the ultrasound that something wasn’t right, the heartbeat was barely visible. As far as I understand it, it’s all but over. Next week is our definitive answer.

I guess my question is for the families like us who are a little older and trying to conceive now, how did it go for you guys? I know it’s common to have miscarriages the first try, or even in general but what kinds of things did y’all do to keep your spirits up? We want to try again but we’re not sure when or how that will even look. I’m also worried for my wife and what she’ll have to endure once the inevitable takes place. Her periods used to be very painful for her but got better when she was on birth control and I’m now worried that this is going to cause her a great deal of pain. Outside of being a pillar of support I’m dreading the helplessness.

Most of my friends and family have told me the only way out of the sadness is through it, and to just let myself feel, hell I know most of the process too well as a behavioral health professional, but I guess I’m just looking for folks like us who might have some wisdom to share.

Thanks for reading guys, I’m sending all my love to y’all who are feeling worried or need some extra good vibes right now.

 

[imnathaniel]

@safat Hey dude, I think something like 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that’s not even age-adjusted. It’s incredibly common, but people don’t tend to talk about it, especially since it tends to happen early on, before you’ve told people you’re pregnant in the first place.

That being said, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely hard. You’re right to be concerned for your wife, and yourself. The fetus may have only been around for 7 weeks, but you’ve already started envisioning a whole life with that child… so in that regard it’s a huge loss. On top of that your wife’s hormones are going to be all over the place.

It sounds like you have supportive friends and family, which is fantastic. My advice is don’t just start trying again. Focus on yourselves, make sure you’re good, and only when you’re both comfortable, start again.

 

[purplequestion]

@imnathaniel It’s more than that and they think the number is an underestimate because we’re only recently beginning to detect pregnancies within a few weeks. Does that make this any less shitty? Absolutely not. My wife and I went through three (1 before our daughter, then two before this pregnancy), and each one was horrible. We’re here for you my guy.

 

[imnathaniel]

@purplequestion Yea, that’s why I specified “known” pregnancies. Women can have an especially heavy period without realizing they were pregnant and had a miscarriage.

Can’t say I’m upset being born a guy.

 

[katrina2017]

@purplequestion Yeah, for years my wife would sometimes be late and have a heavy period and we never thought anything of it until we learned more with this our first (known) pregnancy.